Mouthy/disrespectful Teenager

I would tell her that she can have the shoes, but she has to find a way to get herself to the store to buy them, and she has to come up with the money to pay for them.

"Too bad so sad. "

Let her know you understand she is frustrated, disappointed and angry.
This is what she wants. She wants you to understand how she feels. Validate this.

Once you tell her you understand, then you tell her how you feel.
You are frustrated because you took time out to take her where she promised she knew the shoes would be. You made it clear if they were not there the hunt would be over and yet, even though you told her all of this, she turned it into your fault. In reality it is neither of your faults, it is just the way it is.

Ask her how next time she can REALLY make sure the shoes are going to be there and in her size. Let her figure out the answer on her own.. (She could have called, she could have gone online.)

Remind her you love all of your children just as much as the other and it not only hurts your feelings, but it is insulting for her to suggest otherwise.

Also tell her, you know she is growing up, and so you need to start seeing her behave as though she can control some of these emotions and learn to talk and express her feelings instead of lashing out. Mature people do not throw fits, especially over things that are really no one else's fault. Remind her you reward positive behaviors not negative.

Give her a hug and remind her you remember what it feels like to be so full of emotions. But also remind her she is not the only person in the house, everybody has to take responsibility for their behaviors.

Sorry, but I'm going to take the devil's advocate position here, I guess. I've raised two teenagers who are now 28 & 26.

Well, it wasn't her fault that the stores didn't have the shoes in her size. How about calling ahead to each store to ask if they have style, color, and size before driving there?

If she had a ride to the mall, and her money to buy the shoes, her request was a solution that didn't involve any effort from you. I might have thrown a fit, too, as the "no" seems illogical at this point.

An adult might have been able to articulate their thoughts and feelings about your "no" and made a convincing argument. A 15 year-old can sometimes do this, and sometimes their immediate emotions take over and they throw accusations and even insults. Ignore this response and help them learn rational argument, by being as rational and as about problem-solving as possible as an example to them.

It isn't the fact that you don't want her to have the shoes, its her lousy and disrespectful attitude and until it imporves, there should be any shopping or socializing outside of school for the next week.

Lay down exactly what is expected (dad should be in on this talk--if he's in the picture) so she knows you both are on the same page. Kids (especially teens like to play one parent against the other when they are not getting the answers they WANT. Let her know if there's no improvement, the next thing to go will be the cell phone and computer. Stay strong and consistent.

Blessings.....

Continuing from the last 2 answers...

Frankly, changing your mind after you've had time to think about it, and effectively communicating this thought process to your kids, is likely to engender more respect from them, not less. You might want to sit down with her and tell her that when you thought more about it you realized that her request was reasonable. However, you are concerned about her response (tantrum). If she can find a way to apologize for the tantrum, you can show her some respect back and let her get the shoes, if it requires no further effort from you.

I don't consider this "giving in" to the tantrum. I consider it having second thoughts about your initial, possibly kneejerk, response to her request. The tantrum is a separate (but still important) issue.

Ah, that stage. Sometimes I feel like our 2 yr old and our 16 yr old are in the same phase. Anything is "unfair" if they don't immediately get their way. Whatever.

I would find a time to sit her down and talk to her about the disrespect. Calmly. If you would be willing to purchase the shoes online (my stepkids have huge feet so we've done this), then tell her so at that time, but make HER pay for them.

Sometimes what we do is ask the teens to present their case - logically, rationally and without fits. What are THEY willing to do about it? What are they requesting of you? Then you can reconsider it. If my stepdaughter wants to go out after school, does she have a ride? With who? What's the contact number? Is she asking us for movie money or does she have her allowance? Etc. Just because she wants to go doesn't mean I hand over my wallet or jump when she needs a pickup.

However, there is no option for this if they're just going to throw a fit about it.

Sometimes, just like a toddler, they need to be taught how to "use their words" and maintain calm even if the situation really, really ticks them off. I recognize that the teenage brain is a mess, and I was a rotten kid myself, but that doesn't mean disrespect has to be tolerated. The teen can go to her room for a while to chill out if she needs to before revisiting the situation.

If she is talking dollars and cents, show her receipts. Long ago, when my stepson's video games started getting more pricey, we talked to him about how he might get 2 games and his sister 5 toys, but her 5 toys were less $$ than his games. Your daughter might want $80 shoes, but the little kids might be wearing shoes that cost you $20 each or whatever. I'd lay it out for her. My husband started to include the kids in the bill paying so they could see, "Oh, that cable tv costs us x and that's what they mean about interest on a credit card..." They didn't *seem* to pay attention, but I think they did.

I'd also look for opportunities to spend time with her alone so that she doesn't feel like she's being set aside for the little ones.

You're doing the right thing here and it isn't her fault that they didn't have her size, but she could have called first to make sure. You gave her the chance to confirm it (which she obviously didn't do) and she promised you that they did.

Stick by your orignial consequence or she's going to think that throwing a tantrum will change your mind! Good for you mama!

I don't have teens, but I was one. If I threw a fit at my mom for something like that I'd be grounded for few days. No phone, tv, computer (supervised if for school). Just books and homework. Or another thing my mom would do is make me work for the item, and hard if it was expensive. Dishes for the week, clean bathrooms, vaccuum, etc. It really made me appreciate when she bought me stuff. And then when I was old enough I got a job. She only bought me clothes for school in fall and spring, anything extra was on me (unless sports related). We split my prom and homecoming dresses. Don't know if any of this helps, I'm sure your not alone. She's just trying to find her voice and independence. Find compromises.

Nope you aren't the only one. To a teenager, the world revolves around them. I have a 19 year old daughter who has put me through the ringer. I got the attitude, the fits, the disrespect, etc. It's no fun for us parents but we have to do what's right for them. I have a motto that I kind of follow, if my kid never "hates" me, then I haven't done my job as a parent. That's not to say I go out of my way to make them hate me but just saying no to something they want makes me the bad guy. You have to remember too that our brains are not done growing until our mid 20's. The last two things to develop are logic and reasoning. Teenagers simply don't have the capabilities to reason as well as we can. They can't see what their decisions would cause to happen down the road. They think of the here and now. It's a tough job parenting a teenager. All we can do is raise them in the best way we know how, teach them our morals and then hope and pray they take the right path in life. Stick to your guns mama. If you don't she will walk all over you. Don't let her guilt you into doing something. Good luck.

It's the hormones and the desire to be desirable. She wants to fit in with the people whom she wants for friends.
For the shoe thing if the last of the company that she wants the shoes of fit her she can buy online.
The mouth isn't going all month. It is likely to be at ovulation and when she has PMS. Be glad she is rebelling now. If she waits until her 20's it is far more dangerous and you will have no leverage.
In the meantime, when she's not so upset sit down and have a talk about her needs and your needs. She is obviously a step child and that of all things is a tough position for a girl. You might get her a therapist to talk to. I did it with my daughters and with the first she made her life decisions. With the second she was not willing to be honest and so she stopped going. Her life isn't where I wish it could be.

Oh my God I know what you are going through. They just keep trying to manipulate us over and over. Guilt is definitely a ploy my daughter uses. Her and I are know talking about attitude, behavior and character. If she chooses to act like a two year old I will treat her like one. I also took her to a psychologist and he told me she is having teenage temper tantrums. Tell her what you expect of her and then stick to it. And yes I have other kids who she tries to guilt me with to and the amount of time I spend with them. My sons never did this.(She has 2 older brothers and 1 younger brother) So I am constantly reminding her and trying to reenforce when I can. I told her if she can't be nice at home I can't trust that she won't be the same way outside the house. So my favorite line is kindness begets kindness. The other one, is to not have the mentality of "I am going to get them before they get me". I told her that type of approach will backfire on her. So hopefully long term this will work. I still remember the quotes my mother told me when I was a kid so I am hopeful she will remember that.

You're not the only one. My daughter will do the same thing to me. But - now that she has acted like that, you need to stick to your guns and not get her the shoes. I would wait til her behavior gets better to be able to reward her with the shoes for something good she has done, ie. better behavior. I do this with my 14 year old. If you don't do this now, she will just continue the tantrums. I do hear though in the next few years, the mouthiness should wear off. Good luck.

I realize the tempertantrum was very disrespectful - I also understand you think she is tyring to guilt you - but a 6 year old and 2 year old demands much more attention then a teenager and while you aren't knowingly doing this to a teenager it appears that way because they are by definintion more needy - do you get to spend much mom and daughter time? That is just a thought. And you can call and be told shoes are in your size and be told they will hold them - however that doesn't always work as well as it used to. People don't have the same respect as they used to