Mothers (Or Dads) of Adult Males

Get to know her. There are NO negatives to having a good relationship to her and it can defineitrly help bring him closer!

Oh, this made me sad....I have 6 boys and only 1 girl
..luckily they are all still pretty young and I don't have to worry about this yet! I guess I should prepare myself...

How about trying to imlement a 'family dinner night' or something?

My ds is in his early 20s, lives out of state, and a couple months ago he came back for a week to visit all his friends. We all went out for Mother's Day and had a nice time, but the rest of his visit was all friends and pals.

Then when he was about to return home, I asked him if it would be ok if just him and I went out for a pizza, or any restaurant of his choice.

He got all suspicious: did I need a whole evening to tell him to not text and drive, or was this going to be about the earring he had or what? I hadn't really harped on that before, but I do remind him to be safe, etc.

I asked him to give me a chance and see if we could have a grown-up dinner with no nagging or "mothering" and he said yes.

So we went to a nice place and tentatively I asked him about a concert he had gone to. And he started telling me about it. I kept my questions very neutral. Not "Did anyone get drunk and then drive" but "you said it was in a smaller venue. Was the sound and stage good?" And "you mentioned that your buddy ______ was trying to move back. How is that going for him?"

And I told him about the scrapbooking I was doing, and then we talked about cooking. We had a fun debate about pizza crust, and wonder of wonders, he talked and shared and we were at the place for more than 2 hours! And although I wanted to tell him all kinds of mother stuff, I held my tongue.

So my encouragement to you is to not push. But always be available, and to show your interest and when you do talk with your son or his girlfriend, make sure your words are not filled with things like "I hope you guys are making a budget", but more like "oh, you're having yellow roses in your wedding bouquet. Yellow roses are beautiful. What do they remind you of?" And if she says would you help her with addressing invitations, don't say "oh those will take extra postage. You should save money". Say "I'd love to! Do you need me to bring nice pens, or shall I just bring the brownies for when the long task is done?"

As for "coming home", or "losing them", I would tell you to rethink those phrases. They don't come home, hopefully. You made a home for them, and you prepared them for the world, and now they're successful enough to have relationships and jobs and a life. Coming home often means "mom, I got nowhere to crash tonight. I got kicked out. I got fired My car got repossessed". You did a good job! You raised an adult!

And as for losing them, you didn't lose them. Would you really want him to be on your sofa, calling you Mommy, drinking and watching game shows? That would be a loss. That would mean that you didn't prepare him for independent life. You contributed a responsible adult to the world!

As they mature and make their own lives, they include you in their circle, in their home.

Celebrate yourself as a mom! Congratulate yourself on raising a young man!

Sometime, ask him if it would be ok if you invited his fiancee to meet you in town for a lunch, and don't give her the third degree, just ask her a few nice questions about herself. Start by telling her something about planning your own wedding ("I remember how crazy the seating chart planning was") or tell her something funny (not embarrassing) about your son as a baby.

Don't push. Make yourself available and non-prying and pleasant. They will include you in their lives.

My in-laws felt as you do when I got married to my husband. Unfortunately, they unintentionally pushed my husband away b/c they tried to make him feel guilty. It got much worse when we had kids. I won't go into the many examples. I'll just say that I never felt comfortable or relaxed with them b/c I was always on guard for a snarky comment, usually hidden behind a big smile. And I'm sure you know how husbands react when they have an uncomfortable/unhappy wife...they just avoid the situation altogether.

So, my advice is to treat him like an adult. Respect his choices. Let him know you are happy for him. Show an interest in her. Invite them over, but don't make them feel bad if they don't stay long enough. Do not let on that you are hurt, jealous or desperate...it will only make him shy away from spending time with you.

It varies with the son. I have some sons that I have lost to the wife's family and some that have stayed close.

In your case, be nice to the fiance and get to know her. Invite her over for dinner and activities and fun. She will bring your son along and maybe even encourage him to be more responsive to you. It has worked that way for me.

Good luck to you and yours.

My sons are 30 and 31, my stepson is 36.
All 3 of them are pretty quiet.
I have found that DIL's help with the communication quite a bit. Currently, one son out of the 3 is married so DIL keeps us informed on things. One son is divorced so we rarely hear from him, the other son has a girlfriend and she has stepped up the communication a few degrees.
My husband calls his mom every Sunday.
I do believe you have the power to manipulate that type of communication if you work on it.
I talk to my boys on FB more than anything else.
As far as I'm concerned they are hard working and have busy lives and even tho I miss them, I feel pretty good about the fact that they are independent.
When they have kids of their own, THAT's when you hear more from them :)

There's that old saying. . . . "A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."

I'm not quite there yet. Our son is 21 and not in a relationship right now. But I can tell you that my husband is 1 of 3 boys. My husband some how, does an amazing job between 2 families. Of course it helped that he was my mother's only in law for many years. But even, as a wife, I've seen him get closer to his parents over the years. He will even comment that when he turned 25, 'all of a sudden' his parents became smart! So he started calling them more often for general advice.

I also realize now, looking back that his parents never pushed a relationship if that makes sense. My mother in law did an amazing job let us set up our life as a family without intrusion but was always there when needed. I don't think we ever had any bonding events like lunch and shopping, but when we were together she talked to me. Asked me questions and was truly interested in my thoughts, ideas and life. She told me stories of when my husband was little as he grew up.

She was also the one who came up with the every other year holiday suggestion. Instead of her kids worrying and stressing about where to spend holidays, she suggested one year we do Thanksgiving with them and the next year Christmas. Of course we celebrate with my family, but it just isn't on the same day. My family thought it was a great idea and it's been 25 years!

Good Luck. I'll be thinking of you.

Our son came running back when our first grandchild arrived!

I agree with those that say to put out occasional but specific invitations to dinner or such to both of them. I would also reach out to her separately. Ask her to go shopping or lunch or something else that you think you both could enjoy.

I am kinda confused. I don't really call my dad all the time. Troy doesn't call his parents but maybe once a month. That is a normal adult relationship. My son calls every now and then. Maybe my daughter calls a bit more but I think only because she is younger.

I guess I am just wondering how much you talk to your parents, hang out with them. For me it was only holidays and family events. This of course changed when my mom got Altzheimers because my dad needed me. Now that she died and he got remarried it is back to the way it was.

I am sorry, maybe I just don't understand the question. I know some people have a hard time when their kids move on as adults I just never experienced it. I guess I am just happy that they are independent and not clingy.

I read a post that said he will be back when he has kids, this is so true. My parents and in laws were the go to babysitters. My two oldest now visit their grandparents more than they visit me. It is a strange dynamic, it just keeps changing.

It doesn't have be that way. It's not in our household. You can help by being sure to build a good relationship w/ your future DIL. That can make or break your relationship and interaction with them in the future. Be sure she knows she is welcome and you consider their relationship to be the source of you GAINING a daughter. Start making an effort to invite them over NOW.

Guys tend to let the women in their lives control their social lives.

I'm not a mother of an adult male; however, I married one. We met when we were both in our mid twenties. We've been married for 16 years now after having lived together a little over 2 years. In my case my husband was a bit of a momma's boy, so I decided to make my MIL to be a friend. I contacted her and asked her to help me learn how to cook something, and I spent an evening getting to know her and my FIL without my husband present. I suggest that every woman preparing to marry do this. So your coming from the other end. Maybe you could invite her to do something with you. Is there anything she really likes or is good at? Crafting, cooking, even shopping. You need to create a bond with the wife to be. I believe she will dictatate your involvement in their lives. My husband, son and I spend more time with his family than mine. Of course they are a bit younger than my parents and our personalities click more, but really I keep us connected to them, because I have grown to love his mother so much. I hope you can create this type of relationship with your daughter in law to be. Good luck. J.

I don't think I would really push him. I think that as his own wedding grows closer and certainly when he and wife have children, he will find his way back to his family. Right now he's just being independent and in love! I do think you should try to build a relationship with his fiance. Maybe you could invite her to lunch. Don't, however, talk to her about your son not being communicative, etc., with his family. Save that for a little ways down the road. For now, just work on building a relationship between the two of you, apart from him. Who knows, once you guys have a close relationship, she will probably start bugging him about calling, visiting, etc., all on her own, without your needing to say a word. It will work out much better for you that way!

I find that if we are not proactive, SS will do his thing for days and we'll have no clue. Not that he has a current love interest, but he's about the same age and will often leave (he's home on summer break) and then we'll realize he's gone for days.

I wouldn't be pushy and hovering, but I would tell him something like, "Hey, we'd like to talk to you once a week or so. We miss you. Remember us? The ones that housed you and fed you and taught you to tie your shoes? What day might be a good time to chat?"

My SS also likes skype over phone calls or texts. We had some good times over skype when he was doing a semester abroad. It's like it's more social or something.

I've never been superclose to my inlaws, but I like them a lot. We are closer now that I have DD and she gives me an excuse to go there by myself. I would start letting her know about things you are doing that might interest her or invite them both to dinner now and then. Young men gotta eat! See what develops.

I'm not a mom of an adult male, but my hubby was independent and lived far away from his parents when we met. He's a very responsible guy, and I have a great relationship with his mom. He's 22 and according to your post, this IS NOT different behaviour for him. Add a fiance and her family to the mix and he communicates less cause his time is spread out more.

I'd have a conversation with him about it. Tell him you miss him, you know his time is spread thin. Suggest maybe having a get together every other week so that you know you'll see him more regularly and not be upset when he's not being communicative.

If you want to have a healthy relationship when they are married, start to think of her and her family as part of your family. Get to know her and them. You can't force a relations, but you can make it easy for one to grow.

I have a GREAT relationship with my MIL (she's like a surrogate mom). She made me feel welcome when we visited them, made me feel like she was glad I was with her son.

Definitly develop a good relationship with the fiance. She may be your best link to your son in the future. We have a son who is very much like what your son sounds like. Not really communicative (even his wife complains of that!). Our relationship with our daughter-in-love is strong and it keeps us in touch with our son.

I found that the way to keep myself engaged in my adult son's life was through food. Nothing beats mom food, or free food in general, if he is in his young 20's!!! Every other week I bake something with multiple ingrediants (his kitchen is so basic, typical bachelor! if a recipe calls for more than 3 ingrediants it's beyond him!) and when I go out to take it out to him I also offer to take him out to lunch (more free food)! He appreciates these things, I know he's eating well, and I get to spend time with him!!! Works well!!!

I have two grown sons. I have always heard the same thing, but refuse to be that kind of family.

My advice would be to talk to him. Call him until he calls back and make arrangements to talk to him in person. First I would let him know when you call he better call back. How does he know it is not an emergency and you need to get a hold of him? Let him know how you feel and try and work it out. Tell him you would like to get to know your future daughter-in-law and her family. The way to your son will be through her. He still is young too so may be all wrapped up in her right now especially if this is his first love.

He should come around with your help and love. Always your love brings them around!

R.

Hi. My oldest child is my 23 yr old son. I have also heard similar. For this reason, I have always tried to have a great relationship with each of my children. (I also have a 17 yr old son & 16 yr old daughter.)

If he will really be marrying this young lady, then perhaps you should get to know her. She will become a part of your family. Perhaps you can invite her to your house for lunch, or out somewhere to lunch. Are her parents in town? Perhaps you can meet her parents, too. (You might run it past your son, so that he will feel included. He might appreciate that you want to get to know her & her family better.)

I'm sure that his lack of communication with his own family won't last forever. Give him some time. He will come around, especially as he gets older.

I would try to talk to him & let him know how you feel about his lack of communication with you. Just let him know that you want to be a part of his life, especially since he will be making your family grow by getting married. This young lady may be the mother of your future grandchildren (if they have children).

Just be friendly & nice. Good luck.

My oldest son is only 4 1/2, so I can't really speak from experience : ). But I think Elena B. is right on the money. You did well in raising him if he does not want to come back home. He's an adult and wants to be his own person. He's probably afraid of being mothered any more if he spends too much time in his old environment.

I've noticed that, with my husband, the few times we have gone to visit his parents (they live several hours away), he sort of unconsciously lapses into his high school self. Being uncommunicative, unthoughtful of his (adult) sister, even childish about some things. He is NOTHING like that at home with us. Otherwise I wouldn't have married him!

Give him some time and some space as he makes his new life with his new wife. Send him an email or a letter to let him know you're thinking of him. Offer to treat him to lunch just to hear what he's up to, and don't offer any kind of advice unless he asks for it.

It's just another stage of life. If/when grandchildren come into the picture, it will change again.

I don't have a grown son yet (he's only 4.5yo hehe), but I can speak from the daughter-in-law perspective. My MIL is a HUGE part of my life, and truthfully, we're so close that if we ever lost her, it would be like losing my 2nd mother! My husband and his mom are VERY close; they talk almost every day on the phone (we live in CA, they live in OH), and we try to skype with the kids once a week. My in-laws only have their 2 boys, so I don't know if that's one of the reasons the family is so close, but I know that both myself and my BIL's wife have a special bond with our in-laws as well. I laugh sometimes because in my experience, people dread spending time with their in-laws. Me? I LOVE it! They're so special to me and such an important part of my life, my husband's life, and my kids' lives!

I would get to know the fiance better. Your son wants to spend all his free time with her, so if she is near you, he will follow. Try to build a strong relationship with her before the wedding. You could use the wedding as a way to bond with her. Tell her you'd like to take her shopping and pay for her wedding shoes as a gift or something like that. You want to be close with her and show her that she can trust you. By this I mean trust that you will be a friend to her and not a "typical" mother in law. When they have children she needs to feel good about leaving them with you.
When I met my husband he and his mother were very close and I felt intimidated at first. His mom started asking me to lunch and we went on little shopping trips together. We got to know eachother and became great friends. We got to a point where we would invite his parents on some of our date nights.
Weddings can be very stressfull for everyone involved. It can bring out the worst in some people. Offer to help her and be a stress free person that she can count on. With a little work, you could become great friends.