Mother of Four

L., Here's my opinion as both a mother and a child that slept with my mom (same bed for awhile then same room until 14!) Stop now! I would have said at the time that I was happy and it was great but looking back it was awful for me. I didn't sleep away from home until I was 17. I would go to slumber parties and make excuses to come home at night (stomachache, headache, etc.) I used to have terrible fears like "If I'm not home mommy might die!" to this day my mom doesn't know this. It really wasn't good for me but I never would have said anything when I was young because I really felt that I HAD to sleep near my mom. In my opinion it created an unhealthy bond with my mom and me and now that I've moved on with my life she still is overly attached to me. I tell people that I feel more like a spouse to her then a daughter some times! I have done my best to set limits on my time with her but now she invites my 8 year old over and they sleep on the couch together and watch t.v. all night. I really feel that kids need to learn to be independent.
Now, as a mom of a 16month old, I think the fear of the "cry it out/ self sooth idea" is mostly on the side of the mother. We think they baby is feeling "why did mommy leave me! Doesn't she love me!!" But really, how many times are they crying during the day and something like a bird flying by stops them instantly. They are babies, they don't have all our baggage and rejection issues. They are thinking, "I'm hungry....I'm tired....I've gotta poop". With both my girls I did the whole self soothe method and I did it on my friends little boy when she said it didn't work on him. You just have to have the idea that it will work and that it is making him stronger everyday to be a confident, independent baby. He will learn he can go to sleep and mommy will be there when he wakes up instead of if mommy isn't in my sight she might die. That's what I thought anyway. This is what I know from my experience and I hope it helps. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about my post.
Good luck and God Bless!
-Brandi

wow, you've gotten a lot of advice. My kids are almost 4 and 7. My oldest slept with us until he was almost 4 and my youngest until he was 2, it was easier to move the younger one into a room with his big brother. I think that if you look at other cultures, it is normal for babies and young children to sleep w/ their parents and then to sleep with siblings. and it is a lot different for a 15 month old to sleep with mom than a teenager to do so. At some point, your kids can understand when you say "big boys sleep in their own beds" and it may take a week of them waking up and you walking them back to bed but transitions are part of life. I also breastfed my kids longer than most women do. i nursed my oldest for 3 years and my youngest for 2 1/2 yrs. I laid down and nursed them to sleep for naps too, until i weaned them. and I weaned from the breast the same way, "you're a big boy now and big boys don't nurse!" They were sad for a day or two but it wasn't very hard for them to give it up.
I think that as moms we always want to do the right thing and we're very sensitive to the opinions/ criticism of others. Its hard to know what is the right thing to do, so you have to listen to your heart and do what works for your family and when you're both ready, you'll move him into his own bed.

Oh L., I feel your pain!

I wanted to co-sleep with my daughter, and my husband was okay with it--but when it came down to it. I was not sleeping well at all! I'm an extremely light sleeper, and my daughter is a very restless sleeper--so I was getting about 4 hours a night. It just wasn't working.

When she was 11 months, I went to the pediatrician for advice. She said I had 2 and a half reliable options, aside from co-sleeping (which she was fine with for families until age 3 or 4 when she suggested transitioning to big-kid beds). 1. Pantley's method (no-cry sleep solution) which would take a few months, 2. Ferber's progressive waiting method...and 2b. Cry it out. She said my daughter would be sleeping through the night within a week if we let her cry-it-out...and that the progressive waiting might work, but could also get setback if she was teething, etc. and then we would need to start again. I was SO desperate for sleep at that point. We just let her cry it out. A method that I thought was "cruel" and "mean" turned out to be beneficial to our entire family. And my daughter never seemed to "suffer" emotionally during the process. If anything, it gave her her first experiences of being an independent being--which we need to remember that although our children might be so connected to our hearts, they are their own people!

She was very sad the first two nights but on the third night she "whimpered" for about 10 minutes and fell asleep. She never acted like we had hurt her feelings in the morning. My husband and I noticed that she was a much happier baby --probably because on some level she was tuned into my stress and exhaustion that were virtually eliminated after I got more sleep!

She's slept through the night from 11.5 months on. We have a great bond and she loves to snuggle with me when we read books, or play together. She is definitely comfortable in her crib, and gets excited for bedtime.

Kids are resilient and manipulative! Your younger son has discovered that mom will do what he wants her to do. He's smart enough to be able to sleep on his own. He doesn't NEED bottles during the night, he hasn't for quite a while. Talk to his pediatrician, lay out a typical night and what your concerns are.

best wishes to you

He will only get you up for a bottle as long as you continue to reward his behavior with one. Once he learns that waking at night produces no bottle and no getting into bed with mom, he will learn to sleep. You say you have to lay down with him for naps, but this is a choice. Babies can be trained to fall asleep quickly and happily on their own. I didn't learn this until my fourth child, but my fourth and fifth were the happiest babies because they had such good sleep habits. There will be many tears, but he will eventually fall asleep. Reward his happy behavior, not crying.

Reading the other responses, I'm shocked how many people think this is a problem and you should let him cry it out! I coslept with both of my children until they were four or five years old (I think this is a pretty common age for cosleeping families). They are now happy, secure, loving adults who cosleep with their own children. Cosleeping is not the problem! It seems that he sleeps better with you, since you say he is only waking twice a night, which is within what is normal for his age. I wouldn't worry too much about what the doctor says about the bottle, although it would probably be good to not have too much sweet in the bottle (because of dental concerns). Or you can still cosleep and give him a drink of water when he wakes up if he's thirsty, but not give him formula, and/or just soothe him back to sleep. Besides the No Cry Sleep Solution, another good book is The Aware Baby - which has suggestions for how to sleep together but not depend on the bottle.

I don't know the story with your older son, it is unusual (in our culture anyway) for children to sleep with parents that long, but if he seems fine I don't think that's a problem - and just because he slept with you that long doesn't mean your younger son will or needs to. Both of my children were really excited to get their own beds at the age of 4 or 5 years (I usually snuggled them to sleep in their own beds for a few years after that). But, if your older son was actually afraid to sleep away from you until recently, you might want to do some thinking about whether you somehow contributed to his fears or in some way encouraged his dependence on you (I'm not saying this is necessarily the case, just something to consider). And his reluctance to be away from you at night may have nothing to do with the sleeping arrangement - it may just be that he was afraid for other reasons, things going on in his life, and that sleeping with you actually helped him to feel safe and deal with life better.

But please don't blame cosleeping - it's really the natural normal way for humans (all mammals) to sleep, and contributes greatly to people feeling secure and connected. You didn't mention your other two children (girls?) - I assume you coslept with them and they left your bed eventually and are fine? (and don't assume that your son will be like your other son just because they're both boys - they're all individuals!).

Of course babies will survive sleeping alone and will eventually learn (by letting them "cry it out") to not wake up and cry (since nobody comes), but what they are learning is that they are alone and nobody will come when they call out. You are doing your children a great gift by sleeping with them!

Let him cry it out! I know this is not the answer you are looking for, but start now, and he will adapt! Put him in his crib, and don't go in there every hour...maybe once or twice, then work your self up to not going in at all. It should only take a week or two and he will start crying less and less. And the more you give him a bottle when he is sleeping the more he will be waking up....you are training him to do this. That uninterrupted sleep is just as important for him as it is for you! You can do it! Good Luck!

My 4.5 yo son sleeps still sleeps with me. I asked the same question at our Parent meeting and I was surprised to find out that lots of his Preschool friends are sleeping with theirs parents or in the same room. Our Parent educator sad that it is OK as long as everybody gets enough sleep and she also sad that sleeping with the parents actually enforces the bond between the parent and the child. And you know what... it is true. My son and me share special relation and I did notice the same "special" relation between the parents and the children that sleeps together. I don't want to say that the other parents don't love their children or the children doesn't love them. It is something in the way they interacted that is different and noticeable and makes you think: "Oh, they really share a special bond.". Sorry, can't really describe it, may be is more love, affection, I don't know how to call it but I know it is there. The bottle is a different thing and it is very easy to stop the habit. Just start diluting the formula or the milk with more water every couple of days and he will stop waking you up for it when it gets to only water. Good luck!

What your mom means is children learn to be confident and independent from sleeping by themselves.
I did the cry it our method with both of my girls. At 8 months old with my first and at 12 months with my second. My second was a colicky baby and needed me more. So, I put my baby girl in her crib the first night and she screamed for 45 minutes and then fell asleep. The exact same thing with my second baby. The secon night they cried for 15 minutes. My babies did not respond well to the "check on them to reassure them" thing. It was more successful with just putting a night lite on and leave. They are happy, confident and secure little ladies now! Good luck!

Are you happy with co-sleeping? If so then it doesn't matter. You aren't messing up your child by co-sleeping. i am a co-sleeper and will continue to co-sleep! If YOU are unhappy with co-sleeping there is a book called the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.

I hope you find a happy medium and can tell people to let you make the decisions that your family needs. Do not let other people make the decisions for you including your parents. which is a very ahrd thing to do.

Feel free to email me privately if you want to know more or need more support.

S.

Hey L.,

Are YOU happy with co-sleeping?

Is your 15 year old messed up in someway because he co-slept for so long?

Anyway, I think that's the bottom-line. If YOU are happy with it and your 15 year old seems well-adjusted and happy, but you feel pressured because your mom is telling you what you're doing is wrong, than I would stick with what works for you and your children and tell her (politely) that the subject is closed.

If you're NOT happy with it, then by all means look at the various advice here and choose a method that works with you, your son and your parenting values.

Best of luck.

Hi L.,

How is your relationship with your husband? Do you have any alone time together? It is very important to keep your marital relationship healthy and happy and to have a good sex life. How does this happen with school age children in your bed/bedroom? Or are your children in your room a way to avoid your husband? I think you are keeping them with you to satisfy your need, not do what is in their best interest.

A lot of people have mentioned the "Cry it Out" method. What they haven't addressed is how much the children gain from being able to soothe themselves. Once your children reach school age, you can not always be there. Children need to learn that they are OK on their own and be independent. How can they feel that independence if they can't even sleep by themselves? What happens at sleepovers?

I found with my daughter that if I didn't jump up the second she started to fuss, she would roll over and go back to sleep after a few minutes. The process of my "checking on her" woke her up. If I left her alone, she would settle back to sleep. I strongly encourage you to transition to the crib now. It will be easier and less traumatic for everyone if you do it now.

I hope I haven't offended you. I'm just offering my point of you for you to consider. By the way, your mentioning you "have to lay down with him" for naps either indicates you feel trapped and want a change (who is in charge?)or you like the martyr role. I say empower your children to sleep on their own- They can do it and will sleep better! Children are very resilient- The 15 month old won't remember crying in his crib. A 14 year old will remember how hard it was to stop sleeping with mom! Do you want your teenager searching for someone to sleep with as soon as they leave your house, just so he won't have to sleep alone?

You might think only terrible mothers do this, but my 2 sisters and I have all had to use the cry-it-out method for at least one of our children. And you're about at the age limit of where that will work quickly.

Use Supernanny's instructions. After about 4 days to a week you'll have a sleeper. That was our experience anyway.

L.,

I don't think you're messing your child up at all. If they need the comfort of Mom, they need the comfort of Mom. I think it would be beneficial for everyone to have your 18 month old in his own bed, but at this point in time it will be a bit if a struggle to make the transition.

With our children, 4 1/2 year old boy and 15 month old girl, we give them 5-10 minutes to soothe themselves, then go in to comfort and calm down. This is mostly for my daughter, but we did the same thing with our son. I would put him in the crib while he is drowsy, but still awake so he knows where he is. As long as my daughter falls asleep *and* wakes up in the same place she's a happy clam, if the two places are different she's a bear. If she's not able to soothe herself back to sleep, or has had a nightmare/night terror/bad dream/whatever I go in and either rock her back to calm in her rocking chair, or I just sway from side to side right at her crib then gently lay her back in bed once she's calmed down. Usually she's nearly asleep as soon as I pick her up. We also have a CD of lullabies that plays all night, and a dimmer switch on her light so it's at least dim all night for her.

At this age our little ones should be able to sleep through the night, my daughter does. For the bottle issue I would have him help you put them all in a bag and then have him watch you throw them in the garbage. He needs to be done with them and I think cold turkey would be best. My daughter is able to drink from a spill proof cup that has a straw. See if your son is able to do that as well, it may ease the "loss".

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Sometimes you have to be firm about it.put him in his crin at night,if he wakes let him cry for a little bit ,it wont hurt him,and infact its good for their lungs.if he continues crying go in there comfort him and let him know that you are still there,pick him up walk with him,then put him back in his crib.Do not put him back in bed with you.I know this is difficult I went through it with my oldest,but dont give in.He is waking up every two hours cause he knows you will give in and put him in bed with you.So you need to be firm,and strong but still gentle.Make sure he is safe let him know your there comfort him,but put him back in his crib,he will keep you up every hour for a bit,but if you keep up with what I said,it will get better,and soon he will learn that you are there,but that he has to sleep in his crib.You have to be consistant.It is not good for kids to be sleeping with you all the time and at that age.They need to have there space as well as you do.Like I said it will not hurt him to cry.You need to stop putting him in bed with you the sooner you start making him sleep on his own the better.
Take away his bottle throw them away take him to the store let him pick out a sippy cup,then give him a drink before he goes to bed if he wakes up give him a sip of water from the sippy cup,comfort him and put him back in his crib.Its not going to be easy,but you can do it.Dont give up.Dont be afraid to walk away and let him cry,just make sure he is safe and cannot hurt himself.No one has ever died from crying,the worst that will happen is that he will pass out and fall asleep.Just make sure he is safe and that you go in and check on him and let him know you are still there,comfort him when you need to,just dont give in,put him back in his crib.This will not be easy ,but it will get better.
Good luck to you.

I am not a fan of the cry it out method... but it sounds like maybe that is the way to go here. My theory with my son was to get him sleeping on his own during the day first, then gradually work on the night. It actually turned out that he did better at night first. But... I guess I'd have to say that a 12 year old still sleeping every night with parents is not too terribly good for the attachment of the child, or the parent, for that matter. I'd definitely get the baby out of the bed ASAP. Like I said... I really hate the cry it out method... but sometimes, I believe it is necessary. Maybe you could try sleeping in his room on a mattress on the floor for a little while, and start leaving when your son is totally asleep. I was really afraid that my son would hate the crib too... he was only 5 months when we transferred him out of our bed (the key was to get him in a bassinet first... then to his crib.) Now, at almost 2 years, he really loves his crib and stays in it for an hour before falling to sleep at night and an hour after he wakes up in the morning. We had to use cry it out for maybe 1 or 2 nights... but he really didn't cry that much- only 15 minutes, maybe... I couldn't have handled much more than that. Anyway... get your son out of your bed first, then try his room. Try to do this asap... don't wait.

All this being said... all kids (and parents) are different. There are some that handle cry it out and some that don't. There are some kids that need the closeness at night with mom and dad and some that get it in other ways. But, I think you should really take a close look at what is a true "need" and what is a "want" or a "I am used to this, and haven't ever learned another way." My nephew was 10 before he stopped going into his mom's room periodically to sleep with her. My son now will not sleep with me. He likes his crib too much. But, I have a newborn that I am currently working with to sleep at night without me actually holding him. Maybe with yours, he will need some extra loving... but I'd still say get him out of your room if you need it. He will be okay. Find something that works for both of you.

Oh... "No Cry Sleep Solution" is a great book. Also, another posting suggested Ferber method. You know... for some people, this works. For me, no possible way. Another good method is Dr. Sears. He is somewhere between "cry it out" and "no crying at all". I actually really like Dr. Sears' method. He suggests to hold your child while they cry and put them down when they are calm. Babies sometimes need to cry just to process through their emotions. But, in the end... the parent's will needs to be respected and enforced.

Good luck to you!

My son still sleeps with me occasionally but he also sleeps in his own bed in his own room. he is 14 months old and i moved him into his own room when he was 8 months old. i actually had to let him cry occasionally to get him used to his own bed. it was heartbreaking but my pediatrician said it was the only way. but the way i did it is i set a strict routine (bath, brush teeth, jammies, story and bedtime) we do this everynight and then i nurse him and lay him in his bed. and he only cried for about a week and now he usually goes right to sleep for me. good luck!

I agree with your mom! What are you doing??!!!! your first son was WAYYYYYYY to old to be in the bed then room with you. you need your own space and so do your boys. I feel sorry for their wives!

Hi L.. My suggestion to you is to try the Ferber Method. It does take work and it's not easy but when it's all over, you feel so much better and all your hardwork will be paid off to have your child sleeping by themselves. My daughter slept with us until she was 9 months old and we just couldn't take it any longer. She was too big and waking us up all the time with her movements. So the pediatrician suggested the "crying it out method." At first, I was completly against it and then I googled it and read about how to go about it and it only took a week to get her sleeping through the night. Now she is almost 16 months old, sleeps in her own bed and all through the night. For naps, I give her a binky, hugs, kisses and just lay her down in bed. She instantly goes to her pillow and waves goodbye to me. Sometimes it takes her a few minutes to go to sleep but I rarely hear make any noise after I put her down. At night, we have a routine-bath, book, hugs, kisses, and night night. She goes right down at 8:00pm and I don't hear from her again until 6:00am. At first, you will not get a lot of sleep but in the end you will. Your son should not be having a bottle in the middle of the night. Some ways I've heard of breaking them of that is to put more water than formula in their bottle and gradually increase water to formula ratio and eventually the child will not cry for water anymore.
I hope this helps. Good Luck!

I know how hard it can be, but learning to sleep on their own is part of life and learning independence. You don't want your kids crawling in bed with you on their honeymoon because they haven't developed that independence (I've literally known of people who did that).

You just have to do it. It may take a few days of sleepless nights, but it will happen. Make it as comfortable as possible. In some countries it is normal to have all your kids sleep with you. It just depends on what you want and what your husband wants.

Hi L.,
When my son was born we put him in the basinet/playpin/changing table and my bed was pretty high at the time, same level as the top of the changing table on the playpin/basinet. I had a hurniated disk at the time and it was easier for me to co-sleep with my son. Well we did this for six weeks(as long as i breast fed) and then he was about 6 months before I put him in his own bed, because I couldn't lift him after I had back surgery. He would wake up twice a night if not more, and I would take him in my room and lay with him he had his bottle, and when he was asleep put him back to his bed. He would always end up in our bed one way or another. Well to make a long story short, we had to finally put him in a big boy bed, because of him climbing out of his crib at 23 months. He would try to get out of his big boy bed and come into our room. I would get up take him back to his bed and tell him he needed to sleep there it was his big boy bed. Now I know not every baby at this age is ready for a big boy bed, but ours was. Anyhow, I would sit in his room for a few min. and tell him it was ok, and he would be ok. Mommy loved him and daddy loved him but he needed to stay in his big boy bed and be a big boy. This went on for a while... even to this day he will get up once a night, (not everynight) and ask for a cuppie... and he will get it, go back to bed, and wake up in the morning. So I guess to all my mumble jumble here, that probably doesn't help in anyway... lol... is be consistant. Let him cry it out a little before going in there... He will soon get on track and no he is safe and that mommy isn't far from him. If you need to sit in his room while he falls asleep, then move out, and just move closer to the door every couple of nights. Hope I have helped in someway.
Good luck!

I was reading some of your responses, and of course, it all comes down to what you feel is best. My boys were on their own from about 2 months, and we too have a "special relationship". Co-sleeping does not give you a better bond with your child, how you parent and interact with them does. I used the cry-it-out method. I would let them cry for 5 minutes, and then go in a comfort without picking them up or a bottle, just rubbing bellies and talking/singing. Then leave for another 5 or 6 minutes. I never had to go in more then once, but my boys started young. This method will work, but since your child is older it will take a little more time, and patients. Hang in there, and know that the self-comforting skills your child learns will help him throughout his life.