Mother in Law Not Sharing Outings and Behavior While Kids in Her Care

I don't think it's wrong to want a break down before or after about what they did or are going to do, but if you need her to call you everytime they are about to do something I thinks that is just too much! You might as well not even let them go over there! How are they supposed to enjoy their time together if they have to call you every thirty minutes? You say you trust her but you are not showing her trust. Maybe you are just not ready for them to have extended stays like that.

If you feel the need to know every detail like that then maybe you shouldn't let your MIL take your kids for long stretches of time. Personally, I don't understand the issue. You say your trust her to not harm your children and she puts them in the carseats. Write a note/letter giving her permission to make medical decisions in case of an emergency (which everyone should do with anyone who has their kids overnight). Then let them go and stop being a helicopter mom.

Our closest family is 3 hours away so my kids routinely spend 3-4 days at a time with their grandparents. I call at bedtime to say goodnight and hear about their day. They go to the zoo, library, grocery store, parks, etc all the time (which I find out about after they go). I have a vague idea of what they eat and I know my parents will follow our bedtime/nap schedules but I also know staying up an extra 15 minutes while visiting grandma isn't a Big Deal in the big scheme of things. I trust my parents yes, they might let them have an extra cookie I would say no to but they make sure my son gets his medicine at the right time. My kids have been doing this since around their 1st birthday.

One of my favorite memories of childhood is spending a week or two at my grandparents every summer without my parents. The bond between grandchild and grandparent is special and unique and should be encouraged. Grandparents tend to be more laid back than parents because they have the blessing of hindsight and know what things are minor and what things are major. Heck, just looking back 7 years ago to when my son was a baby I can realize (and now laugh at) all the silly things I took so seriously but really don't make a difference at all these days. Eating non-organic food for a few days or skipping 1 nap or staying up 30 minutes late so grandpa can show you the stars is not Earth shattering and won't result in needing years of therapy, IMO. :-)

My advice is to let your kids have fun with their grandparents and when they get home you just enforce your rules for food or sleep or whatever. They'll learn that some things are allowed at grandma's but not at your house. It's good for kids to see that not everyone is the same.

You DO want your kids to grow up knowing that grandma and grandpa are people they can trust to go to with their problems (face it, most kids prefer to talk to someone else about Big Stuff instead of their parents). How are they to learn they can trust their grandparents if YOU won't trust them? (believe me, the kids will figure it out soon enough if you keep up the constant vigil on their activities while in their care).

E.,
I have to say I disagree with what all of the other women said. 18 months is awful young to spend that much time away with out mom. I think you are not being unreasonable in the least and I think having a strong attachment with our children is paramount to their confidence as adults.
The fact that you are their mother and are already being so generous with their time is pretty nice of you.
I think they need to respect the fact that you are their mother.
It isn't that difficult for her to give you a heads up of their plans and call you if anything changes, she should feel blessed to get them so often and be happy to oblige whether or not she feels it is "necessary".
Tell them it is very important to you and that should be the end of the story.
Best of Luck to you - you sound like a wonderful mother.

C.

I am the grandmother of 12 ranging from 20yrs. Old to 3ms. Old. Im 58yrs. Young enough about me. Ive had no problems with my 2 daughters and their 4 children. I dont have a problem with my son's first wife and their 3 children,i dont even have a problem with my fist daughter in law and her new husband and there 2 children of cource i claim them they are sibblings to 2 sets of my grandchildren. My son's new wife is just like you i tried to help her when she had 2 children 13 months apart i couldnt enjoy the children for the never ending phone calls for updates,eihter she trust me or she didnt and if she didnt she and you should keep your own childen

This is a TWO WAY STREET HERE! If you TRUST her (she raised your husband) then WHY do you have to know EVERY LITTLE DETAIL? You need to read THE LITTLE BOOK OF LETTING GO by Hugh Prather. If you don't back off a little, you may harm your relationship w/ her as well as put stress on your relationship w/ your husband, and possibly his relationship w/ her. Is THAT what your really want? STOP feeling like you have to be in complete control even when they are out of your care.

Do you really WANT them to be at her house and no where else when they're with her? WHY shouldn't she take them places and have them experience things? That's not to say that you might want to set some boundaries and maybe do a better job of communicating, but I would MUCH prefer my children be going places, experiencing things, etc. than sitting in front of a video, just playing w/ toys, etc. Take a look at it from a different perspective. It's not all about you. What about their experiences and time w/ the grandmother?

Do you trust your MIL? If so, enjoy your adult time and let them enjoy being with grandma. If you're worried that she might take them somewhere unsafe than that's different. If that's the issue than you need to talk to your husband and the two of you speak with your MIL. Otherwise take the much needed rest, I know as a parent of multiples and two other children not many offers come when you have multiple children.

God Bless

I don't want to come across as mean or rude, so please don't take this in those ways, but I don't have a lot of time to respond. I think you need to decide which is more important to you...knowing every little detail about your kids' day (already knowing that they are being well cared for) or them having a relationship with their grandparents. I know if I had to give every little detail about a child - what they ate, every place we went, etc., I'd stop watching them. Plain and simple. I love to know everything about my kids and watch what they eat and what their activities are, but when they are with any of their grandparents, I back off. To me, having special grandparent time is way more important than making sure they get enough vegetables. I only wish that I would have been able to have special times with my grandparents when I was little.

I can't tell if you are wanting her to tell you in advance of her going somewhere with the kids or if you just want a summary of what they did once she drops them off to you.

There's nothing wrong with asking her "what are your plans while Suzy and Steve are visiting?" so you get a general idea of that ("We are going to the zoo, grandpa's office, etc."), but if you need her to inform you of every single thing they do, every little place they go prior to her doing it, or to call you if she changes her mind about going somewhere, maybe you should hold off another couple of years before letting your kids go there.

Grandparents are going to do things differently than we do, and they tend to spoil the kids, and as long as it's not out of control, it's all good. I know that in my case of kids visiting with grandparents (since they've been about a year old) they will have good memories! They get to stay up a little later than usual, they get to eat some treats that I don't typically bake or buy at our housse, etc. In the end, they may be doing some extra things they don't get to do at home, but as long as you know they are safe, that's all that really matters. If you believe they are not safe because you don't know where they are at all times, every piece of food they eat and their exact sleeping schedule, then don't send them there.

There are two ways of looking at this and one of the ways is easiest to explain to your husband and your in-laws.

In the event of an emergency situation you have no way to contact to her if you don't know where she and the children are. Should there be an accident, etc., where she would also be needed and other arrangements made immediately for the care of the twins, there is no way to make immediate plans.

Now for the second way. One of the reasons for allowing the children to visit with her for 1 or 2 day stretches is to give you and your husband a break and for the 2 of you to enjoy each other and accomplish things that are very difficult to do while tending 2 very young, active, children. You admit you trust her to care for them. I have to think they wouldn't be with her if you didn't. She raised your husband. You seem to think he isn't worried about where she takes the children or how they are being cared for while with her.

I would hate to leave my children with someone and then have them report to me what they ate, if they misbehaved, what was done to correct them, what time they got up, etc. in great detail. If I was the one watching them I wouldn't want to feel I had to carry a diary of events back to the parent, it would take the joy out of having them with me and make me feel incompetent and untrustworthy.

I can't tell you what to feel or what to do, I just know that when I stayed with my grandparents as a child I got to go a lot of places I didn't get to go with my parents. I got to do a lot of things I didn't get to do with my parents and I loved that time. From trips to farms and the Kankakee River (without a life vest, oh my!), fishing on Pickerel Lake (with a life vest), to newspaper fights in the livingroom (for which my grandmother came after me and my grandfather with a fly swatter) to trips to Spring Mill State Park overnight! I am sure my mother worried, but they never reported back to her what time we got up, what was on the menu, or that we went to Uncle Herman's and walked in cow pies and played in the barn and climbed the trees. It was a vacation for us children, too, and when we got home (as we got older) we had a lot of things to share with my parents all on our own. Like how I burned my hand on the cookie tray helping bake cookies and that cold water and aloe made it better, see, not even a red spot!

You either trust them to take care of the children and make sure they are safe or you don't trust them to do what is right.

See, two sides. I can understand them both. Take it to the Creator and pray. Learn to trust and relax a little bit because as the twins get older they will go a lot of places and do a lot of things you can't control and aren't immediately aware of them doing. When you find out some of them you will choke, have increased heart rate, and probably ground them (after the fact) but there will be parents and family members you will have to trust to do the right thing or they will have to stay home all of the time!

Hi E.,
I'm a mom, not a grandma. My daughter is 11 years old now. I was a single parent and my parents helped me out a lot with my daughter when she was younger (watched her while I was at work, kept her for occasional over-nights when I needed a break, etc). I think you need to back off and trust your MIL. It's not healthy your relationship with your MIL to need to be this controlling over her activities with the kids. It's also not healthy for you. You deserve to get an occasional break from the kids; take advantage of that time to take care of yourself for a change!

I understand you wanting to know what goes on in your children's lives, but do you really want her to call and inform you every time as in...' now we're running to the store for bread" and "now we're going for a walk in a park" and "we're going to my friends' house to show off the children." ??

My niece will not let her parents keep her children unless she is in the same city. They live about 250 miles apart. She is willing to stay in a hotel in the same city so they can have alone time with her children, but not with her at home. I respect her wishes and of course, it has nothing to do with me anyway, but I really don't quite understand and I can't quite understand your wanting to know at all times where they are.

Maybe for your peace of mind, maybe you shouldn't let them go for overnights until they're two, or three, or whatever age you feel like you will be willing to NOT know where they are at all times.

Please- I am not saying you're wrong to want to know where they are at all times, but I do think it's a little hard to manage on the part of the person who has them in their home.

If, on the other hand, you felt like she was not taking good care of them, not using car seats, not watching carefully, feeding them things you specifically do not want them to eat...that's a different situation and that would be concern about the care they're receiving. You don't seem to imply anything wrong with the care they're receiving, you just wish you could know what was going on as it was going on.

If you asked her to jot in a little notebook every time they went somewhere, would that work? You could get the kids back after 2 days and find out, for example: "the first evening, we went to the store to buy some food. The first full day, we went to the park, to my friends house, and walked in the neighborhood. The second day, we went to the library and the ice cream place."

Would something like that meet your needs and be something your MIL would be wllling to do?

This is why I just let my son spend his first weekend away with Nana and Papaw and he's 2.5...and I almost didn't let him go!
I think you just have to let it go. If you aren't going to go as well, you have to trust her to keep them safe. If there are specific things you don't want her doing with them, that's one thing, but to expect her to give you an itinerary seems a bit much. I'm not saying don't be over-protective, obviously I am seeing as I waited so long to send my son for more than a night! But you have to decide if you trust her or not and then let her decide what to do from there. Give her a list of things they can and can't eat...no sweets, easy on the salty snacks, etc...and their normal bedtimes. From there, it's up to her.

You recieved a lot of responses, however, I think I may disagree with most of them. These are your children and whether they are with you or not you have every right to know exactly what they are doing, sleeping, eating where they are going etc. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. I am sure your husband was raised great but regardless you make the choices for your children and to not know what they are up to for 1 to 2 days is insane. Whenever my kids sleep are my mom's or my mother n law's I know what time they went to bed, when they woke up and if or they where to went anywhere. I may not know exactly what they eat but I ask how they ate (meaning sometimes my son decides to skip meals and I want to know when he does) neither of the grandmothers have any problem "reporting" this to me. Good luck and dont let these grandmothers on here make you feel bad.

You sound totally reasonable to me! I can't believe some of the other moms would call you controlling. I totally disagree with them and think you are completely right in being concerned and annoyed! I think you are just being a good mom. Yes, the old adage is that Grandparents get to do whatever they want...within reason! You don't even know what they are doing! Sounds like the Grandparents like the control! These are YOUR kids, not theirs, and you are completely within right, and reason, to want to know what kind of day they had with Grandma. I would just try to be very kind about the conversation. Explain how much you appreciate the break she provides, but that you also miss your boys, and wonder how they are doing. It would be helpful to you to know what kind of day they had. A missed nap or oddly timed meals/snacks can make or break a day...you'd like to know what you are in for! Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck...you're doing a great job!

Drives me crazy to not know. My sons dad is the same way, and so is his mom. I call like 4 times a day when my mom has my son. Typically my mother in law doesn't go very far, but my sons dad will go all over gods creation and I never knew. We aren't together, and when my son was younger and not talking his dad was dating a pain...she would actually yell at me and get all offended if I asked what they had done with my child that day, when he ate last and such. I just kept at it. If he can't talk, and now won't talk about it, I have a right to know. I'm the custodial parent I should know all!
As I said, they do what the want and such, and I just keep at them. I just say you know, I'm just one of those people that has to know whats going on. Call it over protective, call it obsessive or odd or whatever you want, but I want to know where my babies have been or are going. I trust you to care for them and feed them and such but I like to know what to except tired wise and hungery wise.

I agree with Caroline. You are NOT wrong for wanting to know where you kids are and what they are doing. It's not about control, it's about your involvement as their mother. When kids are that young, routine is so important. How can you possibly maintain a routine for them if you have no idea what they are doing for 1-2 days at a time? Anyone who tells you that you just need to relinquish control of your toddlers to your mother-in-law is ridiculous. They are YOUR children and you have a right to know what she is doing with them.

As for getting your mother in law to understand, I think the 1st thing you need to work on is your husband. If you can't get him on board, then his mother never will be. I would hope that simply your desire would be enough for him to say "Okay, if this really bothers you, then we need to fix it." However, it doesn't sound like it will be that easy. You need to stress to him that it isn't that you don't trust his mother, but that you feel it's part of your job as a mom to always be aware of what your kids are doing. It's a matter of peace of mind. I wish you a lot of luck with this. In law issues are never easy.

All my best!
A.

From her point of view, she is thinking your requests are a way to control or judge how the time is spent with your twins under her care. Understandably, there is probably some truth to this perception. You are their Mother and it is natural and right for you to have an influence over what your babies do even when not present. They are certainly too young to not be eating only heathy foods and drinks and possibly tiring them out our completely ignoring their regular routine for rest and sleep can have negative repercussions for you afterward. My advice, ask your MIL to share how they spent time with you so that you do not worry. Don't get into explanations of what you fear, just say you are a concerned Mommy and want to hear how they are spending time away. As for your husband, he needs to support you rather than side with his Mother. This is a big rub for most couples when the spouses wishes are not taken seriously in favor of pleasing a parent. Again, we are back to control. You are struggling to establish that YOU are the parent and your wishes in regard to their safety, diet, routine are important to you and it is not wrong to ask about this.

As harmless as it seems for your MIL to act annoyed at your request to know more, she is passively disrespecting your higher ranking position as the twin's mother and your right to inquire about anything involving your babies.

I agree, you're being too controlling. If your mother in law is trustworthy enough to be the caretaker of her grandchildren for a couple of days, then she should be able to take them where she wants to. She was a mother once too...I think sometimes we daughter in laws forget that. My mom keeps my kids overnight sometimes and I can't imagine asking her to let me know the details of what she will be doing with them. She would look at me like I'm nuts and tell me to stop being paranoid. I think it's because it's our mother in law, and there's not that underlying unconditional trust in them yet since we haven't known them our whole lives, but just remember that your husband has and that should be good enough

Hate to say this but, you've got to give up control here. Even this early, you can't be so controlling. As long as you have no reason to feel your kids are in any harms way, which if you do feel that, then they shouldn't be going there. Grandparents are supposed to be the ones the kids can go to their house and have fun, not be on any schedule, and eat whatever they want. That's part of being a grandparent and you've got to accept that!!! My kids (8 yo twins) have always loved being with their grandparents just for this reason and then when they come home, it's back to reality. Goodluck

As the grandmother of 11, I am wondering why you even would let them be away overnight at this age?
As for day long stays, I think whatever she does or feeds them is ok as long as they are not allergic to certain foods or are not in physical danger.
If you are not comfortable with what she does, do NOT leave them with her.
Just don't dictate to her.
Within reason, trips to Grandma and Grandpa's house involve a certain amount of spoiling and junk food!
We certainly try to respect our children's wishes with regard to their "rules", but at our house our grandchildren are "on vacation" too.

Do you think she did a good job with her son/ your husband? If so, don't think that she has suddenly lost her ability to take care of children. Times at Grandmothers shouldn't have to be "exactly like at home" that is what makes it special!

I had the same problem with my mother in law. I didn't care if she took the kids someplace, I just wanted to know about it. Luckily my husband agreed. The three of us sat down at the kitchen table and he explained to her how we felt and that if she didn't agree to this we wouldn't let her watch the kids. It ended badly in the fact that she did take my son out one day. They went to visit Grandpa at work. A few days later I ran into a friend who works in the same office and mentioned it to me. I asked my son, who was around 3 at the time, if Grandma had told him not to tell us about visiting Grandpa. He admitted that she had asked him that. My husband and I went to his parents house and explained that you can't do that. An adult should not tell my child to keep secrets from me. Ultimately, do to that, and a few other issues that came up, we had to get tough. She is now not allowed to be alone with our kids. WE go to visit as a family.

I think you should just let your children enjoy their time with their grandmother. Is it necessary that you know exactly what they eat and when?? Or it is important that you just know she is taking good care of them. There are so many things in life to get upset over. I think your children spending a few days with their grandmother and having a great time is nothing to complain about. You should, however, express your concerns and ask her to please tell you when she takes them on a visit somewhere, just so you know. Maybe she could make a diary of what they do and when while they are there and give it to you when she returns them. Being too overprotective (even though we all are to an extent) is not always for the best.

Good luck with this.

I can understand that fully. My daughter in law used to ask how the boys were when we had them. I am the laid back granny so I never really had an issue but would keep her in the loop if things got a bit hectic which honestly did sometime happen. I always cleared it with her if we went somewhere. You know anything can and usually does happen.
My sister use to come and pick up my son without my knowledge and never understood the panic that I went through. We have bad people in our community who would do things to children male or female. Also I wouldn't know if he was hurt or what. I only asked to be left a simple note and it would never be here. Even my own mother didn't understand. Well he's with your sister you don't think she would hurt him do you. Well that was the issue how was I to know where he was if I haven't been told. Hold your ground even if it hurts feelings. Maybe limit the stays for a while to only a few hours. Or just show up early to pick them up. Just say something came up and no one would be home when she was to bring them. I bet that breaks her.

If you're just asking for her to let you know what plans she has (or what they did do after the fact), and she's hesitant to answer or obviously lying (she says they stayed home the entire time and you find a shiny Chuck E. Cheese coin and a Dave & Buster's ticket in a pocket), she's definitely hiding something as well as giving you a reason not to trust her.

Personally I refuse to let my child stay with anyone I didn't trust, not even for one minute - I learned that lesson the hard way. My husband and I have a "no smoking near our kids" rule, and we left Nick with my MIL and her husband, both of whom are heavy smokers and are aware of our rule, for 4 hours on a sunny day (so they could rotate going outside and smoke one without my son seeing or having to deal with the smoke). I had a gut feeling that our wishes weren't going to be met when she snapped at us for letting her know important information, like when he last ate, napped, had Tylenol (as he was working on that first tooth), etc., saying that she knew what she was doing and didn't need our guidance. When we picked him up, what did we find? A couple of cigarettes freshly put out - the smoke was rising from the tip of them and our son playing with the trash can. Needless to say she only gets to see our child with our presence now, and we're pretty reluctant to take him to her home, and if we need a babysitter and my folks aren't available, Nick goes to my husband's dad and step-mom.

Trust your gut. If you have a genuine concern about how she cares for your children, and/or she does not respect your needs as a parent she does not need to be left alone with your children. It may do more harm than good to continue letting them see her privately in this situation; even if nothing bad happens, your kids may pick up on your discomfort and not want to be around Grandma, which just doesn't sound like the goal you have in mind. Being able to stay overnight at Grandma's is not essential to your twins having a good relationship with her; knowing that they are in a safe place around Grandma is.

Be grateful that she is spending time with them and giving you a break. I only wish my mother-in-law would do the same. And pretty soon your kids will be able and happy to tell you everything they did with Grandma!

I can understand how you feel. You are a good mom and just want to know what they are doing when they're not with you. At that young age they are totally reliant on you and you have such a strong bond with them. Of course you want to feel connected to them even when they are in someone else's care. Explain that to your MIL. Tell her its not that you don't trust her or that you don't want the kids to spend time with her, but you are just a protective mom and need to know what they are doing for your own peace of mind. Tell her that she's a good grandma and you appreciate everything she does for them, but that you just need to know these things to make you feel better when they are away from you. Ask her what they are eating and what she plans to do with them. It is only natural for mothers to be protective of their children and she should understand that. Try to work on your relationship with her so you feel comfortable asking her questions. I really don't understand why she thinks it is a big deal to just let you know when she plans to take them somewhere. She should be glad that you are obviously such a good mom. If she hesitates to keep an open communication with you, then I would not allow them to stay over night until they are old enough to reliably tell you themselves what they have been up to(probably around 4 years old). You are their mother and she should respect that. Also, you need to get your husband in your court, otherwise this will all be much harder.

Hi, E.,

Wow - it's so hard, isn't it? I remember every time I'd leave my first child with my own mom (who loves him every bit as much as I do) that I would drive up the street, park the car and cry for five minutes. It wasn't that I worried about her ability to care for him.....I just missed being with him and not knowing every little thing he was doing. That's my baby boy, after all.

My husband and I are pretty strict about what our children eat, what they do, how much TV, etc. But I have always wanted my children to have a special relationship with their grandparents, and to have wonderful memories of them after they are gone. So I knew it was important to let them live with Grandma's house rules while they stayed with her. Those are the special things they will remember, because it was different than Mom and Dad.

So, when we are at Grandma's to drop them off, and my son asks for a cookie and I say, 'no, you don't need a cookie this close to dinner' and I hear my daughter whisper to him, 'Cade, just wait til Mom leaves and ask Grandma; she'll let us have one!' -- I pretend to not hear, and just smile, because I know it's true, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if they have a cookie before dinner. What does matter is the memories and bonding they are creating.

Really, even if she fed them ice cream all day and let them stay up until 11:00pm, in the long run, it is not going to hurt them. (and you know she is not going to do that anyway) You already said you know she would never do anything to harm them. So trust your own judgment and trust her.

As someone already mentioned, make sure your MIL has your number with her for anyone to find in case of emergency. Better yet, get those little bracelets for your boys that list ICE numbers (yours). Then, if something were to happen while they were out, anyone who found them would know who to call. But statistically, the chances of an emergency happening while MIL has them are not that high. Not as high as our mommy worries let us think. :)

Then, just call a couple times a day (mid-day, before bed) to talk to the boys and that gives her a chance to tell you about the exciting day they had.

I know, truly I do, how hard it is. But they will be okay....and so will you.

Blessings, J.

E., I totally understand the feeling! My daughter (who is now 6) was the first grandchild born on both sides of our family. My mother-in-law LOVED taking her because she was fun, and such an easy baby. However, like you, when I would get my daughter back after playing with my mother-in-law she too would mention all the places they went and the things they did. It would make me so angry because I though they were always just at my mother-in-laws playing, and then I find out they've gone all over the city. You have a right to know where your children are at all times for safety reasons, and for your own peace of mind as a mother. When children are taken out in public, there are so many things that could put them in danger, you have the right know where they always are. For example, what if they were in a car accident, and no one could let you know your kids had been taken to the hospital because your cell phone was off or something because you didn't even know your kids were going anywhere. I know, it's a terrible thought, but it could happen. Good luck getting your point across to your husband and mother-in-law. Bottom line, they're your kids, and for safety purposes you just want to know when they are going somewhere. :)

I have to say that I'm shocked at the numerous responses calling you controlling! In my eyes, I see you as a concerned mother trying to do the best for her kids, definitely not controlling. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a general idea of what she plans to do with the kids while she has them. If you knew where they're going, you might be able to give her a heads up about things that will make a trip easier on her or make sure you pack certain things. As for the for knowing what they ate and how much they slept -- that is a MUST!! That kind of thing is going to affect how they act upon their return to your house. If you know they didn't get much sleep, then it will be easier to figure out why they're cranky and that you'll need to fit an extra nap into your schedule for the day. I agree with others that getting your husband on your side will need to happen first. Just make sure he knows that it's not that you don't trust or not want you mil to have them. You just need to know basic info to make everyone a little happier. Good luck!