Mother in law/Mother/Grandmother Issues

Updated on September 03, 2010
R.L. asks from Blain, PA
9 answers

My son had a daughter out of wedlock, who is now 5. She is my first biological grandchild, I have 7 other step grandchildren. My son got married a year ago, his wife was pregnant at the time and they now have a 1 year old between them. I love all my granchildren but naturally my son's first daughter, who I spent alot of time with, has a special place in my heart. Now that my son and daughter in law have their own child between them, my 1st bio grandaughter has become a huge issue. My son lived in our home(apartment attached) when his 1st daughter was born. We moved 3 hours away 3 years ago so are not able to see the 2nd daughter often at all. I try to go back to the area when I can but I work full time and it's difficult. My son is playing the "favor" card. He claims that I favor his 1st daughter, who he only has every other weekend, and it so happens that when I do visit them she is never there. My 1st grandaughters bio mom will not cooperate with me regarding visiting b/c my son was verbally abusive to her quite often in the past and she witholds her daughter b/c I didn't control my son. He is now 29. My son also uses profanity around his 2nd daughter and if me or my daughter confront him with this he becomes enraged and the visit or phone call ends. Hence, not spending time with little ones, now for a different reason. Last night I told him I was going to pick up daughter #1 and sleep at my daughter's house so we could spend time with her and went on a dissertation on how to take care of her and this is his daughter and he just wants her to be safe etc. etc. AFter relaying that I'm quite capable of taking care of children, he erupted and hung up on me. Called several times I won't pick up and left me a voicemail that said he doesn't give a f..... and he's sick of the BS with me. Yes, I know this is a mess. Please help.

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So What Happened?

Since this is a repeat behavior of my adult son, yelling, profanity, disrespect toward me, I have decided to postpone this weekends visit. It really hurts me that I won't see my grandaughter but I cannot allow my son to continue to verbally abuse me this way. I have been working on this issue with him for many years, thought it was getting better but it seems to be getting worse at this time in his life. I personally cannot handle the stress of his volatile state of mind.

More Answers

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M.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I see so many adults behaving like spoiled, disrespectful children, that it's almost beyond belief.
If you want your kids to respect you, you must respect yourself.
Set boundaries early, and stick to them.
It's really a tough challenge when a grown man, or woman acts like a spoiled brat, refuses to take personal responsibility for their behavior, and lashes out at their parents through temper tantrums.
I agree that postponing visits with her at your sons' is a good idea. I also agree with another posting about repairing whatever damage was done with your granddaughters mother, and beginning a new relationship with her based on your love for your granddaughter.
God Bless!

2 moms found this helpful
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C.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

hmm tough one. First anyone that says they don't have a special bond with one of their kids or grandkids is fooling themselves.

Don't let your sons rude and stupid behavior keep you from your grandkids. Talk to your 1st grand babys mom. Open the door to talking with her and let her know you want the relationship with her baby. And keep in touch with the 1yr old thru her mom until your son grows up.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Please pick up your granddaughter and visit with her at your daughter's house! Why should your son's rude and childish behavior prevent you from having your granddaughter.

I urge you to allow your son to have the natural consequences of his behavior as his ex is doing. When he's inappropriate it is appropriate that he not have his daughter. Her mother wants to be sure she is safe and not exposed to her father's language and anger.

It's important for you to accept that the issue of your son having or not having his daughter is between him and his ex and should not involve you. I'm pleased that your granddaughter's mother is willing for you to have a visit with your granddaughter. This issue is between you and the girl's mother and has absolutely nothing to do with your son.!!!!!!

It sounds like you are allowing your son to control how you feel and how you act by his rude and obnoxious behavior. You do not need to please him. You are his mother and he owes you respect. YOU hang up on him when he starts in with the foul language. Warn him once, saying that his language is foul and rude and that if he continues using it you will hang up. That is the natural consequence for his behavior. You do not need to put up with it.

I'd continue to arrange for visits with your granddaughter with her mother if she's willing to do that. I'd also not tell your son that you're doing that. It is actually none of his business. He does not have custody of her.

It is natural that you don't see his second child as often. As you said, you weren't a part of her early life. I imagine you often took care of your first granddaughter. This along with her being the first forms a close bond.

Stop trying to please your son! Do what is best for yourself and your first grandchild. Tell your son that you will spend more time with his second daughter when he treats you with respect.

Your first granddaughter needs your love and attention. You are a very important part of her life. Keep seeing her and leave your son out of it.

I keep writing because I'm feeling so angry with your son and frustrated for you and your granddaughter. He is hurting his own children with his rude behavior. Are you hurting your granddaughter in an effort to keep peace with your son? You need to stand up for yourself and your granddaughter. No one has to get permission from her father for you to visit. Her mother is in charge of her daughter's time and activities when she's with her. I don't understand why you'd give up time with your granddaughter. Are you hoping that your son will treat you right if you do what he wants? That's way backwards. You have to show that you respect yourself and therefore make decisions that are in your best interests before he'll respect you. He still may not respect you but you'll still respect yourself and not allow your self to be controlled by an immature temper tantruming "boy."

Later: Did I not understand your question? The original plan was to pick up the 5yo from your son or from her mother? That does make a difference. If you were picking her up from your son, you do need to work at not responding to his anger so that you can pick her up.

There was a time that my daughter and I fought often. I finally learned to just not say anything at all while she ranted. When I found myself needing to defend myself, I ended the call or the visit before my anger got the best of me. It took several weeks but eventually we both stopped trying to control the other one. We were both in a power struggle because each of us was trying to convince the other one that we were right.. When she told me how to take care of her daughter, I just listened and said ok. Usually what she requested was what I'd do anyway. And if it wasn't what I'd do, it wasn't so important that I had to do it. She rarely asked me if I did what she said but when she did, I said that I had.

I want to add if you were going to pick her up from her Dad, that I also urge you to do what you must to spend time with her. I also urge you to be the first to hang up on him when he gets unreasonable. Never argue with him. The same rule that applies in parenting children applies when dealing with adult children. Never argue. When you argue you lose your standing as an adult and are stooping to his level. You are better than that.

I'd "eat crow" if I'd been you. Say the words even tho you don't mean them. I've not had to do that with my daughter. She was quick to anger and quick to forget that she was angry. But I would have if it was necessary to see my grandchildren. She needs you to provide some stability in her relationship with you. She doesn't know that Daddy made it difficult for you to be with her.

I also think that not going is a good plan too at this point. You do not have to put up with his disrespect. He has to know that you won't.

You can consistently provide natural consequences for you son when he is disrespectful while at the same time learning how to manage him so that you can spend time with your grandchildren.

My daughter also felt that I played favorites. I did see my granddaughter more often because my grandson, who has a different father, spent time with his father. The way we handled that was for us to plan time for me to be with each one. Planning the time helped alot. Once I started spending more time with him I realized that I did favor my granddaughter because I didn't know him very well.

Once I realized that I consciously am sure to pay attention to both of them. When I buy one a trinket during a visit, I make a point of buying the other one a trinket during their visit.

This would be more difficult for you since you live 3 hours away. But when you visit you could plan to take each one alone for a specific period of time. That might help. And always be sure to pay attention to both. It's much easier to pay attention to a 5 yo who is more socially mature than to a 1 yo who is still a baby.

In summary, do not give him what he calls bs. Hang up before he gets to you, before you feel that you have to say a word. Picture yourself as more mature and capable of maintaining a calm conversation when he insists on fighting. Just hang up. And don't pick up the phone when he tries to call back. Call back yourself the next day or so.

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J.K.

answers from Phoenix on

Oh no, I'm so sorry! I'd be persistent and try to spend time with them as often as you can. If he acts like a baby, then let him be. Try to ignore it, if you can. Your priority right now is your grandchildren. Good luck to you!!

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T.W.

answers from Chicago on

All the family history aside, you say your son was talking to you about how to take care of your granddaughter, he wants her to be safe, etc. I think this is something where you need to bite your tongue, listen & say okay, I will, I will, & chalk it up to an overprotective Daddy (which is good). I think it's very easy for a son to be fed up enough w/ mom to stop talking, and that is obviously something that no one wants. If I were you, I would call him & apologize because the last thing you want is to be on bad terms with him & not be able to see your granddaughter. Good luck.

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K.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

There's a lot going on in this post. I am going to hold myself to one comment:

You say your son has expressed the opinion that your favor his eldest daughter. You seem to say this is not true so I want to point out you stated early in your post "I love all my grandchildren but naturally my son's first daughter, who I spent a lot of time with, has a special place in my heart."

Can't resist...The mother of the eldest is right to protect her daughter from a man who was and continues to be verbally abusive and has anger issues. And you are the beneficiary of your son's un-fatherly behavior...Not fair but..

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J.M.

answers from Allentown on

I think it's unfair to favor any children/grandchildren. I understand that one may have a "special place" in your heart over the other b/c of birth order or bonding. But you shouldn't reflect that where it's apparent to everyone.
Secondly if you son requests certain things of you when HIS children are in your care I'd suggest you follow those requests, at least until he feels the trust. (Seems there are trust issues w/ this whole situation)
Ultimately he is getting his way with you postponing the visit.....you are reinforcing his distruptive behavior (even if he an adult) and the cycle is bound to repeat itself. It's ashame for the children involved.
I don't think family counsle is a bad idea! :D Good luck to you.

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D.C.

answers from Pittsburgh on

There are a lot of issues here.

I'd like to comment on the 'favoring' issue first: Is it possible you are favoring the 1st child when both are there? An example is in your post. Having a sleepover at your daughter's house I'm sure would be seen as a special treat. Why didn't you invite both girls? You may have very good reasons for only inviting one, but I can see how this might be seen as another example of favoritism.

To be honest, it sounds like you all need to go to family therapy to learn how to communicate. If your son won't go, you should consider going alone so that you can learn new ways to communicate with him without triggering his temper. Another example - I'd be bent out of shape if my mother or mother-in-law called and "told" me that they were taking my child for a sleepover. Asking for permission to take the child - great, inviting the child - great. But just telling me that they're taking my child - not so great. I'm not excusing your son's behavior in any way - erupting in anger isn't appropriate. But with an expert on your side, you can likely learn better ways to interact him.

You could also use that time to talk to the therapist about ways to repair your relationship with your grandchild's mother. The therapist might help you understand her motivations better (rather than just seeing her as vindictive as you seem to), and that might help you to find ways to meet her on her grounds.

For the sake of both your granddaughters, I hope you do so.

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi, R.:
Y'all need to have a Family Group Decision Making Conference to talk abou these issues:

www.iirp.org

or

www.collaborativelawpa.com

Get help doing it. Good luck.
D.

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