Mother in Law Drama!oms

He needs to realize YOU and the kids are his family now. If she is cruel to one, she is out the door. If she speaks about you that way in front of you, you can bet she is doing it to the kids also. I wouldn't let her around my children and a MAN should stand up and tell her Good Bye.

And really.....even a tiny studio apt for all of you has to be better than one day living w/ her.

This is unacceptable!!! As cruel as your miserable MIL is (she is obviously all alone in life and is very miserable and lonely), she is not the problem. Your husband is the problem. He MUST support YOU, and if he doesn't, your marriage is in big trouble. Tell your husband that you & your kids are his family & first priority, & his mother is NOT his first priority. He cannot continue putting her ahead of you. Have a long talk w/ him about his toxic mother & that he MUST stand up for you & demand that she stops disrespecting you. So sorry!

Wow-how terrible! If I were you I would consider the relationship over and done. I would not be able to ever speak with someone who treated me like that. But I would be cool headed with it. The opposite of love is indifference-not hate. Just be matter of fact-I will no longer talk to that woman. Period and nothing more to discuss. And don't discuss her anymore with your husband either. She is dead to you. He may continue his relationship with her-that is fine. But don't expect you to be around her. It doesn't sound like she is very interested in the grandkids either so you won't have to worry about having them see her. And if your husband wants them to see her he can take them over to her house. This is the way it HAS to be until you get a sincere apology from her.

Ok Been there done that!!!!

What I need to share with you will be hard for you to hear but please read every word.

I understand you have all kinds of emotions going on with just having a baby and being abused by the mother in law. That is horrible to go through!

What needs to be done is, go to your husband and tell him how you feel, use feeling words only! EXP When she does this I feel this... OK
When he doesn't stand up for you, you feel this. Have him do the same thing to you. Cause he is feeling torn up right now too.

I almost lost my husband because of a situation like this! It is not worth it to lose your best friend!!!!!

After you have your feeling talk, it may be a week or 2 or 3 but you need to do this next step ASAP.

You need to go back to the Mother in laws place.
I know how hard that will be!!!! Believe me!
What you need to do is talk to her like you would talk to your children when they have a temper tantrum, Cause lets be honest here that's what she did!

So you go over there and you tell her that if she doesn't like you that is fine with you, that you don't have to like her either! But you BOTH love your husband!!!! Neither one of you want to lose your husband!
Tell her (whether it is true or not) that you know she loves the kids and she would want to have a relationship with them too. But all that means she had to be pleasant to you and you need to be the same with her.

You can even tell her that You may never be able to forgive her for what she said cause you were so hurt but You are willing to put it aside for your husbands sake! ( cause you are the bigger person and you want to show your kids that you are a bigger person then she is! She doesn't need to know that!)

Now I basically said to fake it with her. Sorry but that is really what it is.
I would NEVER let my children go over to her house with out me. Not even with just my hubby there. You see he will never see his mother the way she really is. He will never be able to really watch the kids around his mother the way us Moms do.

So if you do this, you would be doing it for your husband and Children. I know you love them enough to pull it off. It doesn't mean going over there all the time!!! Its letting your hubby go when he wants but he needs to know how you feel and that your family comes first. SO if his mom calls and you are doing family stuff he can't drop it to go save his mom from what ever the problem is. She will always try and get between you 2. If you 2 are stronger then she is you will do great! You have to have the best communication with your hubby.

My hubby and I have been married for 15yrs, we have done this, we are actually living with his parents again and I so did not want that to happen and things are going great! I can talk to my mother in law and have a good time with her. I can't really trust her, but things are 100% better then I thought they would be.

Good luck to you and your family!

When you depend on the kindness or charity of others you must sometimes be silent and humble. I know times are not easy and have not been easy for you and your man, however, it seems like during your 11 year relationship, you and your husband have not been able to sustain a family on your own.

His mother sees her son struggle and having children he can not afford to take care of and sees you as the reason her son is having such difficult life. (You will feel the same way if your grown children experience what you and your man are experiencing now). Unfortunately, parents prefer to blame their child's spouse when in fact there are two people involved.

I am glad you have your own place now, no matter how small you are better off standing on your own two feet then living with others....your family or his. With three children, you will be eligible for food assistance and probably Section 8 help so you can find a larger place. Unless you and your husband have determined that you will not work outside the home, you are also eligible for job training. I think you and your man could use a two income situation.

In time the family matters will work out, especially if you can demonstrate that you and your husband can be independent. Be patient and concentrate on your husband and children. Go forward, don't look back! There are many resources that are available to you and your family.

Blessings....

Keeping a strong relationship with your husband is crucial right now. He is probably feeling very torn, and guilty over "abandoning" his mother. He has lived for his whole life with this type of manipulation and her sick, sad dependency on him and control over him, so it's not entirely his fault if he is feeling guilty, torn, conflicted. But he has to focus on you and the children and see her for what she is -- someone he loves but someone who is toxic to him. If you say it too often, he may not listen, and may think you are just speaking out of anger. So let him hear it from someone else: Please, please get couples counseling. If money is a problem, go to your local "women's center" and/or county or city health department to find options for low-cost, sliding-scale or free counseling for you and him together, ASAP. Without it he may end up distancing himself from you and the kids, seeing you as the reason he is in pain over his mom.

More practically -- If you can do this without sounding angry or defensive, suggest to him ways to help her without getting directly involved. She needs her car battery jumped? Buy her the cheapest available AAA membership and when she calls for a jump, he can say, "Call AAA, they're great at that." She may refuse to call them and keep bugging him, but he's done all he needs to do. She calls him to the house to do a chore for her? He first needs to learn to say, "I can't" without feeling he needs to make excuses, and then, he can give her the number for a handyman service. She will be upset, angry, offended, and will blame you, not her son. But he has to have a reality check (that's what the counseling's for) and deal with her without getting sucked into doing every little thing for her.

I'm sure that when he's seeing her without you, Mom is filling his ears about how awful you are; you can't tell him "Never see her" or you'll risk alienating him, but you DO need to ensure you and he are rock solid and on the same page about living apart from her, being a united front and finally, simply not jumping whenever she calls.

You need to get on with your LIVES -- getting involved in the kids' new schools, setting up playdates to make new friends for the kids, getting out of the apartment and into your new neighborhood. Don't let the focus on Mom hamper all that.

As for his sister, the godmother, you have enough to deal with right now. Do not worry over her or even think about her. Focus just on your relationship with him.

Hello, You may never be able to make your mother-in-law happy. Jut focu on being a good person and take care of your family. She can go on with her sad little life.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

You need her out of your life. It is unfortunate that you were depending on her, but going forward, don't try to repair it, just stay away. You need to deal only with your husband and he needs to shape up. She doesn't need to like you, and you don't need to like her, but he needs to put you first and her second. Good luck!

You have some really interesting advice from both sides of the fence so far. I think there are some good points. I do agree that possibly there is some concern over living with MIL after 11 years and 3 kids. You don't say how long or why that arrangment was made and I'm sure you needed help at the time so I"m certainly not trying to fault you for that, but I think now that you're on your own, which is great, you need to talk to hubby about what he wants and how he sees the relationship with his mom playing out. I do agree that it is not and will never be okay for her to talk to you and treat you the way she did, unacceptable, but you and your husband have to be on the same page regarding his relationship with her, your relationship with her and the kids' relationship with her. Find out what your husband really feels and a solution will become easier to find.

Most mom's don't think anyone is good enough for their kids but don't act this way. I say, focus on your kids, your hubby, and yourself. Don't bad talk his mom, and the dust will eventually settle.

I feel for you!! I've been there too. You did a good thing by moving out of her house. Now you must put all your energy on getting your family ahead. Let her do or say what ever she wants. You need to focus on your marriage and kids. Especially your new little one. Like some of the other ladies said don't talk bad about her to your husband. Now being out of her house he should start seeing what type of person she is. My husband was the same way. When we moved out he felt torn between me and her, cause we had a little fall out there at the end. After sometime of being away he saw what type of person she really is. Now I have to remind him to go over or call her every once in a while. (we only live like 3 blks away).
You have lots of good advice here. Hope all works out well with you and your family. I tell ya some MIL's just can't cut the cord!!! LOL.

that's too bad. i would suggest moving as far away as humanly possible. and make sure you don't make your husband feel the need to stand up for his mother - never speak a word against her or he will start taking her side on things. hey, at least you're out of her house now, right?

I've been in a similar situation. My MIL and i dont get along. We have different beliefs about things. She's mexican and i am white and it seems in their culture that they cator to their men and dont expect them to do anything. We are divorcing now because my husband cheated and one minute she tells me she is going to suport me and the next cuts me off. I expected it and wasnt going to rely on her. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would not talk to her or about her. Just let it go and get on with your life. She's not worth your worrying. Your husband will have to choose. My soon to be ex husband chose his mom over me one time when she went off on me and said i gave her a dirty look. She's crazy like your MIL. We even had to go to marriage counceling because i demanded she appologize to me. A yr later she did and we have tolorated eachother but thats it.

been with him for 11 years...WHY were you living with his mother (the worst of all choices?) I understand times get tough but get you and him on your feet? Ive been with my hubby for about 13 and we have been SOLO for 10 of those years....Its you and HIS life...she really should not have a say so in who he chooses for his life partner...It WILL work out if you and him are meant to be but as long as his mom still keeps that umbilical cord tied to him, you will always struggle....VERY hard with 3 kids, but figure it out and get you and your family out on your own..dont rely on anyone for help.....that only makes you better. Forget about the school changes...that will work itself out..but you need to provide a STABLE place for your kids (that doesnt mean moving back in with family just to save a couple hundred a month) Sorry to be soo harsh. I know you are in pain..but get a plan going..only you and your hubby can make it work.

I think these books would be very helpful :)

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Factor-Dealing-Mother-Contend/d...

The most important thing that you need to do for yourself and your nuclear family is to make sure your marriage is strong - so please talk to your husband and make sure that you guys are a united front when it comes to family matters. Have him set the boundaries with you. Support his emotional struggle by not prohibiting him from visiting or doing things for his mom, but on the one condition that he also support you emotionally and physically. Also, if your MIL is going to be mean to your kids or ignore them, that would be a personal boundary for me. It's not right for an adult to hurt a child's feelings out of spite for someone else, and I would hope your husband can see that.