Mother in Law Advice

I grew up with a grandma like this one (my step-dad's mother)from the time I was two and she treated me exactly the same way. Even at Christmas time she would get something for all the other cousins ($100 gift certificates) and maybe give me a $10 bill if she remembered. It was very hurtful for me to have to spend time around her and I dreaded every holiday. Luckily I had a great step-dad who treats me like his own daughter and I never wanted for anything. He tried again and again to explain to her how I felt but she never was able to see me as "real" family. It will only get worse as your children get older and realize what is going on, if your husband speaking to her hasn't helped the situation then I would ask her to stop buying gifts and/or refuse when she buys gifts or treats for your one son. Once I was old enough, I made the decision to stop seeing her and attending family functions for that side of the family. I now have little to no contact with that part of my family and I would hate to see that happen with yours.

V.-

I have perspective on this from being the mom and being the step-grandkid! So, here they are:

Being "step-grandkids", my sister and I were treated this way by my stepfather's folks from day one. What helped us is that our stepfather couldn't have been a better father - so you do the best you can do as their step-mom and it will be okay. As they grow, they will realize there is nothing wrong with them, it's a warped perception of the grandmother. Since it's your mother-in-law, if something needs to be done to keep the peace in your family, then it's your husbands job to do it. It's his mother.

As a Mom, and step-mom (which is THE single most hardest job in the world by the way, so I commend you for taking it on!) I love all my children the same. I doesn't matter if they are of my blood or not, they are my children. When I was first married, my step-kids were 11 and 12 yrs old. For some reason my father wouldn't acknowledge the kids once "my" kids came along a year later. All he would do is ask about the baby. (he lives in NY, so it wasn't "in person"). I would bring up the other two and he'd move on to another topic. So, one day, I told him he had 3 grandkids in this house (now he has 4!) and if he wasn't interested in acknowledging all of them, he wasn't going to hear about any of them!! And I stuck to it. It didn't take long for his behavior to change.

One thing you could do is let the MIL know that if she gives gifts to the baby at Christmas, birthdays, etc, and not to the others - don't bring anything. If she does, give those gifts away - and let her know it!

It's a place to put your foot down and you need to let the other kids know you are there for them and they are just as important and as much of the family as the baby. How would you handle it if it was reversed and the baby was ignored? It should be no different.

Good luck-
C.

Ah mother in laws...
V., it is not your job to maintain family peace. It is not your job to educate your mother in law.
I would suggest that instead you take care of your kids, if there is a way not not see this woman for a while I would take it. If there is a way for you and the older 3 to go on a date and let dad take the baby to see his mom, that might be an option. My husband never sees his mother as wrong on anything and so I think it is great that your husband does see it and has gone so far as to confront her with it.
I would try, try being the oporative word here, not to critize her in front of your husband, so as to maintain him as an ally.
And I would try to keep the kids away from her.
If your husband is open to it, all the kids, you are all a family. If not then the older ones.
Best wishes in this very hurtful situation.
C.

Weird, but my mother in law is the same way except she just doesn't like one of her son's kids (she has 6 sons). I don't know why. Anyway, obviously you can't change the mother in law, but I've seen my brother in law turn this situation into a great teaching opportunity for his kids. They're not stupid, and they know they are the least favorite grandkids. He just teaches them to love her and respect her anyway. Now that they are almost grown, I think it's given them a lot of character to deal with this issue. I've seen it in action, and I am impressed with the maturity that the kids show with their grandma. I also know they talk about it with their parents freely at home, so they have a way to vent their feelings. Good luck. I know it's a weird situation, and it sucks. But, I think you can make it bring your immediate family closer and stronger.

If you want peace, then let it go and let her do her thing. You aren't going to be able to change her. It is what it is. I know I probably sound harsh or uncaring, but I've been that kid.

The best thing is to explain it to your other three kids without emotions behind it. If you play it down with your kids, your kids will accept it better. If your kids see you in frazzle about it, then they will be in a frazzle. Our kids pick up from us how to cope with stuff. Show them that you are going to love this unloveable person and accept her the way she is. Maybe someday she will figure it out, on her own, how she's affecting your kids and everyone else.

Also, don't punish your husband for his mother's behavior. He can't control her. He did talk to her about it, which is more than a lot of men would do. Make sure you don't take your frustration with her out on him. And, don't make this an issue in your marriage. His mother is her own person and she will do what she wants to do. Making it an issue is not going to change her and will only cause problems in your marriage. Separate your husband from his mother and let them be two separate individuals. Accept the situation and don't complain or fuss too much about her to your husband. It is his mother and putting him in the middle isn't fair and may cause him to resent you. Be careful.

I had a similar situation with my nephew and nieces.
After my brother was killed I felt that his children
deserved a little more attention with gift giving when my sister's children. I know that she was very generous with the gifts that she gave her children and that my brother's children were recieving less. I kept justifying the lack of balance in my giving of gifts. Finally, my sister had a heart to heart with me and explained how hurt she was that I wasn't giving gifts to her children. As long as your mother-in-law can justify the inequality it will probably continue.
Perhaps a real heart to heart about how you feel (not how your children feel) might assist her to see how hurtful it is.

Hi V.,
I wouldn't accept any gifts from her for the grandson, and I would tell your husband to take care of it. He needs to be the one to tell her how it is! Unless it's a birthday she needs to recognize all of them.I wouldn't allow any visits either until her behavior is modified. She's acting very immature, not like a grandmother. She'll learn quickly, when she can't see the kids. You need to nip this, you could be dealing with this forever if you don't. Explain to your older children that even adults sometimes act like children, but don't tell them any more than they need to know.Good Luck, H. G

my circumstances were similar but thank goodness the grandparents lived in another state so usually mailed items to "their grandchild"...
when the others were not acknowledge on the holidays i returned all the packages back to them via however they were sent.
when the grandparents visited and continued to ignore the "other kids" then i would refuse the gifts from them and return them immediately.
my spouse had to be firm with them and tell his parents that ALL of the kids are part of him so that meant they had to acknowledge all of them or none of them...
the child in question is now a teenager and prefers to ave nothing to do with her grandparents since they ignored her older siblings and made them feel unwanted and unloved...
kids know the truth no matter what we tell them..