Mother In-Law Issues

I'd make her buy the ten more of everything. If she wants to be that rude. And yes it's rude to invite people to a party you are not the host(ess) of with out prior consent. I would also let her know that she had been rude, but that maybe because I'm already in a mood because of my MIL

I agree with Amanda. I had been upset about things when my girl was about one or two with my MIL and now I look back and am like "Big Deal".
I don't know HOW many more people she invited but all I am hearing is you have already invited 31 people....what's the big deal about 2 more kids? Is it about the kids and the goodie bags or is it about MIL? LIke I said, I don't know how many more people she invited, if it's more than a couple, yeah she overstepped but deal with it AFTER the party. Good luck.
By the way, is this the first grandbaby? MIL's are sooo overzealous with the first.

I just want to let you know I feel for you - this is the type of thing that makes me nuts in my own family. I would accomodate this situation since it is already put in motion, but I would have my husband talk to his mom about letting you plan the birthdays from now on. In my family, I stopped letting my in-laws know about my kids' parties - there are just too many of them to accomodate. I know that may be wrong, but the kids in my husband's family are all much older than mine and I just don't see the point in having that many people at a little kids' party, especially when they are not people they are close to. As they get older, it is hard enough to plan for their friends when they start having them, then to add in ALL the cousins, etc. if you have a big family. It's just too much. You might do what we do, have a kids' birthday party for just friends and VERY close relatives, and then have another night to go out to eat and whoever wants to go (on their own dime) can - that will show you who truly wants to celebrate the birthday and who is just out for free food and cake (maybe you don't have relatives like mine, but hopefully some people out there can relate).

Good luck!

This is only the beginning of dealing with in-laws. Trust me on this one!!!! My inlaws are much more outgoing than I was. You can help her see your boundaries in a very positive manner. Eventually you and her will hopefully work together more peacefully. You can possibly still make them feel welcome, not offend anyone and make the best of her inviting new guests (after all it is not the fault of the new guests. You do not want to make them feel unwelcome because of something your MIL did. This may come back to bite you in the near future.) Why don't you instead ask your MIL for some help. Tell her that it is very important to you that she help you to make the party great for all the kids and guests. Since it may not help with issues if you confront her, tell her what you really need her (or someone else that she may find) to do such as stop by Party City and pick up a few more goodie bags and bags of chips. Tell her you simply do not have time, that you are now picking up more food, making a bigger cake, feel sick, etc and that you do not want to offend her new guests by not providing for them. Explain to her at another time that you preplan things, have a budget and to pls simply contact you in advance. She may welcome this and gladly help out now and in the future. Trust me, I have learned to incorporate both sides of the family into events, not just my way. Your kids and hubby will appreciate this also

L.,
I have read all of the responses so far and there's a couple of good ones. I think you can figure out what to do about the bags, that's no big deal, but I urge you to think before you leap on this MIL business. I am one of those and would never invite someone to a party without first confirming with the hostess, but since your's has, there are a few things to think about. Is this the first time something like this has happened? Not necessarily a party, but her just stepping in and doing things without asking first? If this is a first time thing, just roll with it; but if it has happened before, or happens again, tell her before hand what size gathering you are having and a big crowd just makes it too complicated, but remember, you will have a very long relationship with this person and the one thing you DO NOT want, it a complicated relationship. She is your husband's mother and she deserves respect from you. She is your child's GM and you must promote love and respect between them, and the child will know and not understand if you are not close to her. You have been given some good advice from all these ladies, but there has also been some very harsh, selfish and inconsiderate suggestions made. Read them all very carefully and remember that you are spending the rest of your life with this person. You did not mention how long you have been married. When you chose to be a part of his family, you should have known she would be part of it. Unfortunate, there are some young brides who go into marriage with the idea that they will have MIL problems automatically...and granted, some do. Sadly, there are some mothers who think there is nobody good enough for their child to marry. Just remember, you can never fill the place with your husband that she does. She is his mother, you can never be that....and you are his wife, she can never be that. Each of you have a place that can never be filled by the other. You and not in competition with her for anything. This is a first party...don't sweat the small stuff. Enjoy it. If something goes not as you had planned, just laugh about it and make do. If you need her to come and help set things up, just ask (I said "set up" not pay for) and I'll bet she'll come running. I was one of the lucky ones, I had a MIL for 35 years who was a good friend and we loved each other. If you play your cards right, you can also be that lucky, but if you create a problem now over something so trivial as this upcoming party which will last only a few hours, you are inviting yourself to a lifetime of problems. My wish for you is a long and loving (and mutual) relationship with your MIL...that you can look on her as your second mother, the woman who raised the man you fell in love with. And as far as those little gift bags go, they fall into the "don't sweat the small stuff" catagory. You'll figure out what to do there if you read all the responses you receive........GOOD LUCK

Hi L.! Yes, I would "bite the bullet" and go out and buy more party gifts. Don't make the 2 other children feel left out because of you MIL's lack of manners. Always "suck it up" and do the right thing! There will be more of this to deal with in the future! Take this from a 49 year old woman who has dealt with MIL issues for many years! You want your son's First B-Day to be wonderful..at any cost. Good Luck! T.

Unfortunately what's done is done. Although it's very frustrating that she took it upon herself to invite other guests, you don't want the two additional kids to feel left out. I would recommend buying the same toys as the others. Since it's already done, try not to stress over it. That's only going to affect your mood. Try to let it go and have a wonderful time at the party.

Pick your battles... To me, this isn't worth fighting over or making an issue that might haunt your relationship with your MIL. Yes, its annoying but, hey! the more the merrier... I think its important to realize that she invited her friends because she is excited about her grandbaby; probaby wants to show him off to all the friends she's talk about him. That's fine. She obviously feels comfortable enough with her relationship with you to grant herself these social liberties.

Really, I don't think the cost of 2 more kiddie bag treats is worth a confrontation with her. Your relationship with her will NEVER be the same if you correct her... She'll just be offended.

L.,
This happened to me with my son's first birthday. 30 people turned into 75 people, very few of them I knew and a lot of our friends left early because of all of the adults (my son's father's extended family) that showed up. I was not happy and made sure it never happened again.
You should definitely talk to her about it and mention that you had only planned on certain people coming. There may not be anything you can do about this party since the people have already been invited but she needs to know that for the future she should get your permission first.
What you could possibly do is if some of the children coming are older get them a different goodie bag or not at all. Usually once they reach 10 or older they don't care to get toys but always up for candy. This way you don't have to over buy items especially since you already had them made up. Plus you don't neccessarily need to give one to your son. You can have him hand them to the children so it's easier to explain to him why he isn't getting one, he gets wrapped presents instead.
What is your theme? I have a few goodie bags left from my son's last birthday, actually a few back. I think I might have car designed bags, maybe spider man, I even have a couple of plain red and blue that have funny glasses, and other toys not sure what all but can check if you'd like.
Good Luck,
M.

Family issues are tough to handle at times. Have you considered asking your MIL to cover the costs of the extra guests that she has invited? This is your home and you have the right to set boundaries and expectations. Thank her for wanting to share in this exciting milestone in your family's life, but also explain that you had budgeted a certain amount for the party, and the extra guests are a presenting financial burden to your plans - surely she can understand this. Does your husband feel the same way you do? I hope he is standing with you on this situation.

Good luck and enjoy the first b'day party - it's always special.

ADD ON AFTER READING OTHER'S COMMENTS:
wow - sounds like serious drama for a 1st birthday! Things I find dangerous:
1)asking your husband to speak with MIL - why? what does that accomplish except making him feel like a dog sent to "sic" his mommy - a plan that will never work, even if he does it, how has that made him feel? Honor him by not commanding that he do something - its not his drama and he shouldn't be a puppet.
2) "Nip" it in the bud by talking to MIL about it - this only causes friction (especially if done before the party) which causes resententment. It will make her uncomfortable at the party, and around you for a while. You will come off as a controlling "**tch" - even if she takes it graciously in outward appearance. You should never attempt to teach an old dog new tricks - so to speak. I don't know your MIL, but she might just be begging for an excuse to hate you - this could be it.
3) Asking anyone other than you and your husband to pay for any additional supplies - cuts off your man's pride. Makes it known (whether its true or not) that your husband can't support his family properly.

FYI - I have been married for 12 years. I actually have 2 MILs because my husband has a mom and a step-mom. I don't have MIL issues because I respect my husband very much and make a conscious effort to always reflect that in the best way possible. Now, if this situation were my mom and not my MIL, then I'd handle it differently of course - but I have a different relationship with her than I do my MILs. I still wouldn't ask my mom to spend money for the extra guests as that would be disrespectful to my husband and my financial matters are no one elses businesses.

Drama is only there if you make it. Be gracious, please - don't make your husband or MIL uncomfortable at your son's 1st birthday - allow everyone to celebrate the day as it should be.

Original post:
I wouldn't say a word about it to my MIL, and I wouldn't bother my husband with having to side between me and his mom either - or even letting him know that I'm erked by it - it might cause him to feel uncomfortable during the party with both you and your MIL there. Why add tension when you have the power to control it?

Let it go and enjoy the day for what it is meant to be enjoyed for. Go out and get what you need for the party to accomodate the extra kiddos.

Next year, call her before you send out the invites and ask her if there is anyone she'd like to add.

This honors your husband and makes you look gracious and flexible. Win-win.

I would call your MIL and tell her she needs to supply some cash to cover the additional people she invited without consulting you.

As for the kids bags, make one different and have it be for the smallest kid or for your son, or if one of the bags was for your son, just don't give him one and give it to the "no bag kid".

Either go buy a few more, or make the bags different. It's too late to uninvite them and they may have no idea that you did not want them there. Then, enjoy the party! But, I would definitely have a discussion with your MIL if your husband won't! Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she probably didn't mean any harm, but she did overstep you and cause a problem for you. You have to let her know that you really didn't appreciate her inviting people to a party that you're throwing. Find a nice, but direct way to say it.

I am having the same issue. Only it is with my sister. She said she was only comming with her two step children. Which is great. Then last night ( party next day) she called to tell me that the kids mother is comming and two other children that are from Courpus. First of all. I am having it at Fiesta Farm where I can only have some many people. And I am at my guest count. Then I dont have enough stuff for goodie bags either. I cant even go buy the same stuff. I bought things in at Target months ago. They dont have it anymore. So I told her well I am sorry I dont have a goodie bag for them. I could not afford to go buy more stuff and food and the place to charge me more for more people. So I also told her if everyone comes and then I am over because she invited people " Did not ask me" she would have to pay for them. Sorry but I had to be blunt and simple that is it. I love my sister but she did the same thing to me at the beach and invited people at my cost. And I am not doing that again. You have to be striagt up and that is it.

Well, it's NOT the children's fault. - Here are some suggestions. 1. Make YOUR child's goodie back different and the OLDEST and/or YOUNGEST child attendee different. 2. Buy one more set of bags and have take one prize from each of the other bags and put them into the two bags. Then buy one more set of something else and add to everyone's bag. 3. Make two separate bags for children who are SIBLINGS -that way when they go home with the bags, they will each have the same stuff and they won't know that they have anything different from anyone else! I hope this inspires the right answer for YOUR family situation! Blessings, S.

I agree with L. W. its not your problem that you created and I wouldnt clean it up. let her handle the mess she made. and let her know she made a mess. sorry for you mil situation.

I'm used to being the resident meanie. I take issue with people who overstep their bounds. I take issue with inappropriate RSVP etiquette; that includes taking it upon oneself to invite additional people.

I think that you have no obligation to accommodate these extra people. Period. Your MIL will be embarrassed, and she should be. Don't be nasty, but don't let her change your plans without your consent. It's okay for children to learn that sometimes there just isn't enough stuff to go around. They don't have to know why and might not even notice that everyone else has something (unless you make a production of distributing the goodie bags). Let them run around and have fun and then go home. Does your MIL know that you know that she's invited these other people? If not, then you can play dumb. If so, then you should pull her aside and tell her that you have budgeted according to your guestlist and would appreciate no further surprises, as the first poster suggested. Keep in mind that she is proud of her grandbaby, so don't be too harsh. She'll be a valuable resource in your baby's life. However, you still need to set the boundaries, before it becomes a pattern. It's a kinda funky position, so always act in love.

For my wedding reception, the responses were trickling in; so I politely let everyone know that if they just showed up without any notice, they should be prepared to stand and not eat. They laughed and sent in their responses. They know that I mean it.

You should treat all the children the same. But, tell MIL how you had to rush out & buy more party favors. Tell her that from now on, early in the planning stages to let you know who all she WANTS invited but the ultimate decision is yours. These parties get expensive. MIL probably doesn't think she did anything wrong. Politely tell her.

I am sure that your MIL had the best of intentions but she is way out of line! and I agree that you have to nip this in the bud, NOW! So if it were me, I would let her know the dilemma about the kids gift bags etc. Let her know that you only had enough cake etc, for who you invited , and that you thought you had it covered because you thought that you were in charge and knew the plan that you had made. Then you politely ask her to bring an extra cake, ice cream and gift bags for all of the people that she invited, and let her make the hotel reservations for "HER" guests! Let her know that you love her, and treat her kindly during as well as before the party. She will be much more careful not to do this in the future when she finds out that you are going to hold "her" accountable for "her" invites! best of luck! Don't get mad at her just let her know that she is responsible for "her" guests!

L.-- as annoying (and rude) as it is that your mother-in-law invited more people, I would feel a little wary of making different goodie bags, just because that could cause a war. :) Unless the kids don't open the goodie bags till they're out the door... but at my son's parties, the kids always seem to pull everything out right when you hand them the bag. But if the added kids are younger or older than the others, you might be able to get away with something different? When my son turned two, a few of my friends had newborns, and I bought a three-pack of Carter's onesies and put them in the goodie bag for the babies. (I got lucky because they were all girls!) And for my best friend's kids, who are much older, I put in a movie theater pass and some movie theater candy (they had been really helpful with setting up the party and playing with the kids). Then again, if the little guests are mostly babies, maybe they'll have no clue what they're getting and will be more interested in the goodie bag itself! :)

I understand meddling MILs I think it was extremely rude to invite additional people to a party that they are not hosting.
I reccommend although its hard its necessary for your husband to say something to his mother about the extra guest inviting to nip this from reoccurring. I think you could make a different bag for the youngest 2 kids or the oldest 2 kids that are different and just don't make a big deal about it when you hand them out. If the kids ask just say tell its for the oldest and youngest at our party or the 2 oldest or 2 youngest at our party.
Kids will just want a short reason and if it looks special and intentionally not against the 2 new guests its a good trade off. Or a game where 2 kids win a special prize and the other kids get the other gift bags you already had.
Hope this helps the main focus should be on your little one not the guests and pleasing everyone to the tee, its your child's birthday take lots of pictures and enjoy.
Mom of 3 yr old twins.

do not be embarrassed to do different bags and ask her to tell you sooner next year so you can be sure to accomodate all the children better with party favors cause you do not want to feel left out or to have a different set up.

I think it's perfectly fine to make their bags different, after all they are only one year old. They are not old enough to sit down and compare bags. I would make a few extra bags, and cxall it a day. Good luck! :)

Wow! As if having a party at all isn't stressful enough, now you also have this tension... yes, she was wrong to invite people without consulting (asking) you and your husband 1st. But, maybe she's so excited about the 1st birthday for her grandson, it just seemed too good an opportunity to let anyone miss out on the big day? Yes, I'd be extremely mad too, but do you want this to be the memory of the big event you carry for the rest of your life. Your child will not remember the party. Sad, but true. You will. Do you want those memories to be of the fun he has tearing paper and smearing icing or the resentment you feel towards your MIL? I agree with the mom that wrote you could do 2 more bags, who cares if they are the same or not? Give the bags as the kids leave, chances are no one will even know what's in them till they are all apart and won't have a chance to compare anyway. I somewhat agree with the 1st response in the sense that you should address the issue with your MIL. However, I don't think any good will come of 1. having your husband do the talking (this seems to be your issue) or 2. being confrontational and accusative. Since I don't know you or your MIL, I can only assume she did this not out of anger or spite, but out of love for her grandson. If this is the case, maybe a simple, calm talk of how this has made things more stressful, expensive, overwhelming, etc. would be more appropriate and productive. Don't know if this helps, but as a mother/wife who can't seem to do anything right in the eyes of her own MIL, I hate to see anyone having MIL troubles :-)

I would try to accomodate them all. As inconvenient as it, it's a problem that soooo many people out there would give anything to experience.

My husband also comes from a large family as well as I. It's easy to look up and be overwhelmed by numbers. When I'm ready to pull my hair out, I just think of what a blessing it is to have my child so loved. There's lots and lots of children who don't have very much family or have family that doesn't care.

I recently went to a great BIG, BIG first birthday party for my nephew. There were probably 20 kids or more. The goodie bags contained mostly candy. They weren't all identical. They then had a pinata as well. Just do the best you can, and I'm sure it will all be wonderful.

If money is an issue, ask for some assistance from your mother-in-law. Just frantically ask her, "I've got a problem. I'm out of time and money and don't have enough goody bags. Do you mind swinging by such and such and picking up ... to fill in the blanks?" When she gets to the counter and sees how much it costs, she may be more careful in the future.

Good luck!!!

Sweetly tell your MIL where to go buy 10 more of everything. Ask her how she wants to handle the issue. Be nice, nice, nice. But let her know what repurcussions her actions had. If you make bags different, you could separate by age and/or gender. You probably have a range, so that would work. But get her involved. That might make her think next time.

Dear L.,
The nerve of her! However, if you plan on staying married , you will have her in your life for a very, very long time. Even if you get divorced, you will still have her in your kids life for a very, very long time. I am a divorce attorney and I suggest that peace with the mother in law is the best strategy. I suggest you tell her what is in the bags, where you bought the items and explain to her that you will not have the time to go shopping for the next two bags. Ask her if she will go shopping or if she would mind dividing up the current bags for the kids when she shows up. I also suggest that you ask her to go to the grocery store and pick up some food item for the party for the extra people. Bottom line......One year old kids don't care what is in their goodie bags. Adults don't care what they eat at a one year olds party as long as there is birthday cake. Don't worry about the travel arrangements for her guests. Enjoy yourself at the party. C.

L.,

In a situation like this, MIL and I would have a talk about this situation. Basically, she has come and taken over. I would tell her, she needs to "put up or shut up"!!!!! Especially since you have already planned and purchased. Not the kids fault so again she needs to go half.

Does your MIL know mine? (I had 45 people at my daughter's first birthday thanks to some extra invites by my MIL too.) Keep it simple. Either divide up the goodie bags if possible and fill in with some character themed fruit snacks since those are fairly cheap and better than candy, or put together 2 different goodie packages for the extra guests. The bags are usually distributed as people are leaving, and those kids will be delighted no matter what's inside their goody bag. Trust me. You and your family will have a wonderful day if you focus on you son and his experiences. Here's a hint for future give-aways.....I buy disposable cameras from Wal-Mart by Polaroid in packs of 3 for about $8.88. That means each camera is $2.96 before taxes. They are brighly colored in red, yellow, and blue. I hand 1 to each child as they leave in a ziploc bag with a bow and some treats thrown inside like lollipops or fruit snacks. This works for either gender so no more boy/girl issues. Also, the kids can take pictures and make memories for another day. It seems to well. Best wishes!!!

As someone else said - pick your battles carefully BUT what you do for this first party will set the precedance for years to come. Buying double stuff can get expensive and time consuming - double work for what you had planned.

Me, I would talk to her and tell her how you feel. First I'd make sure husband is on board with you or you can create issues there. In my house, husband and I are in the same boat and back each other exclusively. We talk to them together and it makes them mad,causes some hurt feelings at times. But we pick out battles and this is one we have fought over the past 20 years on more than one occasion.

We have 7 children and others inviting more guests, esp at the last minute plays havoc with our budget and time so we put a stop to it early. Good luck.

As far as the goodie bags go I completely understand the # delima. The way I've dealt with it is like others have suggested - something a little different for much older/younger kids usually fixes the problem. Whatever budget I set for the bags I would maybe buy one larger, more mature item for an older kiddo, or do a small package of snacks for a much younger one. If all of your kid guests are close in age then just divide up what you have, making each a little different. You might even go as far as making one more extra - just in case. If you decided to have a pinata take into consideration that's part of their treats too. Some parents feelings will be hurt if their child is left out somehow. I have a friend w/ twins - they attended a party and received ONE goodie bag for the two of them - had both boy/girl's name written on the bag. It caused major fighting between the twins, and hurt mom's feelings because her two were being treated as one.

Our family has always been pretty much "open door" if we're having a party/gathering just about anyone can come. That being said people understand that if you show up late the food may be all gone, or even bring your own favorite drink. They also know that if you didn't RSVP your child just might not get that goodie bag. We also have a large family.

BUT clearly thats not how you do things, and you MIL should respect that. I'd deal with it after the fact though. Don't let it weigh on you, so you can enjoy the party - after all it is about you showing off your pride & joy!!! :D My husband would deal w/ his mom, and I deal with mom - it works smoothest that way for us. You'll figure out the best way to deal with the issue.

Though if you're really stressed w/ the budget or the issue then suggest to her "Since you invited x number of people I would really appreciate if you would pick up such & such items. It would really help me out."

Good Luck & HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! We're in the process of our daugther's second birthday party, and expecting # 2 at the same time!

MIL is out of control. This was rude of her to do without your knowledge. Still she is proud of your baby and wants to see the family and is using your birthday party as a mini family reunion. Your husband needs to tell her that you had planned everything to the person (or child) and she caused you stress. She should be encouraged to pay for the extra people (probably not going to happen since her son will be too proud to ask for money). You need to do damage control right now and get more cake, ice cream and goodie bags together for the kids. You are not responsible for overnight accommodations for her guests. All you can do is be the best hostess you know how to be and welcome all who attend. A good hostess will make everyone feel at home and comfortable in any situation. So, try not to let this get to you now so you can enjoy the party with your family, guests and baby. After this party is over, in a nice calm sort of way, tell the MIL that she has to consult you before she ever invites people to your home or your parties again. Explain your budget constraints or how you selected the location for the party based on how many people it could accommodate. Seriously someone needs to rein her in so it doesn’t happen again. Let her know you respect her desire to share her family moments with those she holds dear (the more the merrier approach). If she is worth her salt as a mother she should offer to pay for something – the cake – the party favors – the blow up bouncy thing for the older kids - the clean up (next day). And next year you might consider holding the party in some public place like a park or playground so there is less wear and tear on your own property. Good luck and remember to have fun. You are building a Family memory for your child and all the others at the party – don’t let the MIL stress you out too much that it ruins your day. BIG families are lots of fun - so just enjoy the circus.
On a personal note: I come from a very large family that used to gather for birthdays and picnics often. NOW years later, even though we are scattered all over the country - we are still very close and buddy chat often. This is a good thing.

Hi L.! I have one of those MILS too and she has done things like that to me too! I used to get frustrated about it especially because of the additional cost but then I remembered my baby. I realized what is most important about a birthday party is that the baby feels special (and the more people focusing on him and giving him presents the better) and that each time he sees these people he has extra people who are learning to love him and you are there to foster those positive relationships. The more he surrounds himself with in life the richer his life will be so in the long run some extra goodie bags and treats will really balance out in your sons favor. Good luck!

I would tell my husband to call his mother back and tell her she had no right to invite people to our child's party. I would have him tell her it is her responsibility to provide the following items for the kids gift bags and extra food for kids and parents as we had already purchased everything based on OUR expectations for the party. I would then have him tell her that the next time she felt the need to invite someone to an event she did not plan or pay for that perhaps she should consider ASKING the people paying for and planning the event FIRST.

I would further have him tell her if this was not acceptable that she was responsible for calling these people and expalining that she had not gotten permission to issue the invites and that the party was already planned and payed for and SHE is very sorry for getting everyone's expectations up.

I am sorry if this seems harsh, but I really have no tolerance for this sort of thing. I would personally do it if it were my own parents, and, likely I would actually do it myself if it were my MIL. However, I am very lucky in the MIL department and my parents know me well enough to know how I would respond to such a thing.

I hope that things get resolved and that your son's first b-day party is full of great memories and fun times instead of stress and worry. ;-)

Do not know what you had in the gift bags, but what I would do is just take one gift away from all the bags and make the other 2 gifts bags from those item. Put the left over items in a box for next year. This way you do not need to buy anything else and the other kids will never miss what they never knew about anyway.
I and my friends never do the gift bag thing.
My mother-in-law always brings unexpected guest (whom I never wanted anytime to come over), and still does that to me, even our private Christmas Eve for our family. So, I know how you feel.
Oh, just had a thought, call and tell her you only have enough gift bags and she needs to supply gift bags for the guest she is bringing.

Hi L.,
you dont have to go bye packs of 10 butyou do have to give the other 2 kids a pack go to a dollar store and find some things that you can put in 2 of them noone will ever know the difference then ask hubby to talk to his mom about next yr's party in advance hope this helps
have fun
L.

At that age (around one) kids don't care or know who's getting what so I would just supplement and move on. If the kids are going to be older (and/or varying age) then the kids will notice. Looks to me like your bigger problem is your MIL and I would nip that in the bud quick.

Hi there L.,
It was very inconsiderate for you MIL to invite more guests without first consulting you. You definitely want to set your boundaries with this or you will find it repeating itself for the rest of your married life. She may have meant no harm, but as you say it is not her party. Perhaps you could express to her that you had not planned to have these extra people and ask her if she could buy the extra party gift bags for her guests? At the same time be sure to tell her that she should not ever do this again. Of course use your discretion and your own wording.
Love,
Z.

Oh Boy,
I've had a meddling MNL now x-MNL for 20 years something about them that they think they can act like a parent.Your husband should approach this w/you near by and insist as nicely as possible after the party that the following time she has the urge to invite to ask you first since you are the one throwing the party.If he doesn't have the kuhonnas to do that for you when your around so YOU can hear him say it, you do as nicely as possible because no matter what,shes going to take offense to it.If you decide not to do it or he won't do it plan on her NOT stopping.If he does it,it lessens the blow because its her son and probably get over it easier.Comming from you expect her to carry it for sometime.
You shouldn't have to go out and buy all the same goodies again,but since it is a 1st b-day whos going to pay much attention to the goody bags if 2 are diffrent.Hand them out when they are on the way out so no one knows what each other has.
As for the experince w a/ MNL I feel they never quit meddling.And those that are so lucky to have one that doesn't let them know your thankful for that so they don't start so that they'll think when they have the urge too.I hope i was helpfull!!

I agree that since your MIL invited the extra kids, she should go and buy the extra goodie bag favors and anything extra you need as far as food and party supplies. This is only fair since she is the one who invited the extra people.

I would nicely explain to her that since you already bought everything for the estimated amount of people, the extras are welcome but she needs to provide the extra supplies.

I don't blame you for being frustrated, I would be too.

If for some reason she won't buy the extra, just make up a few extra goody bags that are different, the kids won't care as long as they get something. Beside you usually hand those out as they leave so they probably won't even notice.

Good luck!

My persoanl oppinion about the goodie bags at birthday parties is:

Birthday parties are for the birthday boy/girl. Friends get invited to come and celebrate with the birthday kid. Provided for them is cake, ice cream, games, fun, etc. There is so much planning for a party and not to mention money spent. The children who are invited need to understand, it's not about themselves and what they get, but it's about the birthday kid.

Ok, so much for my two cents. Since you have already bought the bags, go ahead and divie (sp?) up what you have, so the two extra kids are included. It's not going to make that much of a difference. I would not go out and buy extra.

Then let your mil know thats it...no more, you're done.

Happy Birthday to your precious baby boy!!!

Deborah

You have to get your husband to speak to his mother, and tell her that it is a party that you and your husband are giving. And, that she should NOT take it upon herself to invite others without asking you or your husband first. That is just right down rude, even if she is your MIL. You had better put her in her place now, or you will ALWAYS have issues coming up with her, for years to come.

Hi L.
I read some of the other mom's responses.I happen to agree with both.Dont make a big deal out of it yet please say something very nice to the effect of "How exciting that my son has so many people that care about him and want to share in this special day I will have to get more food/goodie bag stuff blah blah blah"speak your mind in a nice way.Your MIL is excited and so are you and husband. As one of the responses said this will set the presedance for parties/your relationship with your MIL.Let it slide off your shoulders but please say/speak your mind do not let it fester.Keep your boudaries in place hope you know what I mean.
Best of Luck
Happy Birthday to your son this is who it is all about dont forget that!

I would've said something from the beginning. That although she was trying to help (it may be hard to act like she was doing you a favor but just go w/it if you have to) it wasn't her place to invite people to a private party, that YOU are the one in charge & hadn't planned for all these unexpected guests. As for the party favors, if you don't have enough for every child then don't give any at all. If questions arise from the children "not getting anything" then just simply explain, you had only originally invited such & such or so & so & hadn't planned for the extra guests & didn't have enough to go around. If she's mature, she'll accept your response. Don't put yourself out further for someone elses thoughtlessness or selfishness for overstepping your authority. If you don't say something about it, she'll just keep doing things like this & taking advantage of your generosity thinking "oh SHE won't MIND!" But in fact, you DO mind so SAY something, it would CERTAINLY bug me & I would definitly let that person or persons know I didn't appreciate that. Just stand your ground if she says anything derogatory & try to calmly say that she should've asked your permission first. Again, she's overstepping or undermining your authority, don't let her get away w/o telling her how you felt about this. Good luck!

well me and my husband both have very large families and i have 2 birthdays coming up in august i never want to leave any one out and by the way we are a very close family. To save any trouble i just set some money aside for the special events and invite everyone chances are as years go by not everyone ends up coming. Since it is your babys 1st everyone wants to be there. Just go buy more stufff and plan on having big parties for years to come the families are not going to go away. Hope my advice was some help i know parties are very costly but its only once a year. GOOD LUCK

I hope that you find a way to let your MIL know that when you throw a party you set the rules. You don't have to be mean about it but it needs to be addressed! A 1st Birthday is so very exciting and important... DON'T waste energy being frustrated. What seems to work in my family is that I warn my hubby that I am going to talk to his mom so that there are no misunderstandings and minimal hurt feelings! I let a few things go that first year that I wish I hadn't. I find that the more genuine and honest I am with my MIL the more she respects me and my space! Don't let this go... find a middle ground now! My MIL has issues with many people in the family... be thankful that your MIL gets along with so many:).

How obnoxious!!! My m-i-l is also very selfish and inconsiderate. After 9 years of marriage and 2 kids I have decided to tell her no. We usually just take her shenanigans in stride but they just get worse as the years go by. I suggest that you say something to her. I know that's easier said than done. I would tell her that you would have loved to invite more people but you just can't (no excuses necessary). Say that you wish she could bring people but it just won't work. (again don't give any reasons) It leaves her with no room to argue or manipulate the situation. If she asks why, just tell her that you just can't do it. Don't engage. Good luck....

Wow! I'm curious to know what your husband thinks about this. If she were helping pay for the party, she has a right to invite guests, too. Otherwise, she overstepped her place a bit.

In order to keep the peace since the invitation has already been extended, try to SWEETLY tell her where you got the goody bags and what you have put in them... since you're sure she would want those children to have one as well. (I'd be honest about the fact that you only budgeted for "x" amount of children and don't have enough goody bags. Leave it up to her to decide what she wants to do) I also like the suggestion about different bags for the older kids. Goody bags are for guests, so your little one doesn't really need one... he has all of the presents!

If these extra guests require hotel accomodations, give her the list of hotels you are using and suggest she set up accomodations where YOU ALL made arrangements. Share the prices with her ("This one might be more economical for you!")

While I realize that it is the principle of the whole thing that is bothersome, try to remember that birthday parties for one year olds are really more for the parents and family. The little one won't remember one thing about it other than what they see in pictures in the years to come. Try to look at it as all the people who love him and are celebrating having him in this world. He is a gift from God and Grandma is wanting others to love him as much as she does!

I learned with my first son that we are not just raising our baby! We are also "raising new grandparents!" (assuming this is the first grandchild.) My mom often forgot that she wasn't the "mommy" in situations and ~ although her heart was in the right place and she "just wanted to help" ~ she often overstepped her role. I just had to remember it was done out of love; as aggravating as it could be. We talked honestly and openly about the way it made me feel and things changed over time.(My MIL was an old pro at it, as our kids were the baby's of the bunch. I'm an only child, so just imagine!!!!) We now have 4 kiddos, a lot less interference on matters and the same loving support.

Hang in there and try to focus on the positives! Enjoy your little one's special day! Have your husband talk to her soon, though.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~M. S.~

Maybe you could pull one candy from each goody bag to make 2 more and add a silly straw from the dollar stores. They come in packs of 10 or so. If you have 2 little ones attending the party, they wouldn't be able to eat the candy, so maybe a cute bag of cheerios and some infant cookies that you already have in your pantry. You can just make the bags "age appropriate". About your MIL....just pick your battles wisely. I'm sure you will have plenty more. Once the party rolls around, you'll forget about having to make 2 more bags and have fun....

Have your husband very lovingly but very authoritatively tell your mil to cover the cost of the extra favors, food, whatever your comfortable with. He should explain why and let her know that she needs to notify you well in advance if she would like to invite anyone not on your guest list in the future.

WOW. Previous posters have been WAY nicer than I would be. First, don't put it on your husband to talk to her because it's your issue, but make sure he is aware of your stance and intentions of talking to your MIL and that he will support you. Then, call your MIL and tell her that you know she had good intentions, but that she has overstepped the boundaries. WHile you appreciate the love she has for your son, YOU are the mother and it is YOUR priviledge to plan this party. She had the opportunity when she had her own children. Let her know that you cannot accomodate the additional guests as they were not included in your budget. Then ask her if she would prefer to let them know or if she would like you to do it. (If you have to do it -- be honest & tell them that YOU were planning a "small party" and your MIL didn't understand that.) You are setting the tone here for the future. It is easier to be tough at the beginning and lighten up than to let them run over you and try to correct the behavior later. (This is good advice for parenting, too!)
Good luck.

L.,
I don't know all the ages of the children; but, I seriously doubt they will all know the difference in the goodie bags. One, two, or three year olds don't care. Goodie bags are not a priority for them. The bags might be a priority for the adults; but, not really them. Now that the others have been invited, they cannot be uninvited, so do the best you guys can. This is only an issue for the adults.

You will have to address the problem with your MIL in regards to her invitations. Know this. No matter how delicately you attempt to discuss the matter with her, she will most likely get wounded feelings. Bottom line is, she has taken over your place in the family and decided to be the one making choices. How does your husband feel about this ?
Will he speak to her ? Could he be with you when you approach the subject ? Perhaps she really did not think before she stepped in ?

I would encourage you after the party is over, and you have time to sit down and talk with the hubby, and give this some more thought, to make your plans then. Whatever you decide, and however you decide to do it, be very confident in your feelings and understand that it could turn into a much larger
deal than you ever expected. Some people, and most in particular MIL's don't always accept confrontation or criticism well.

My very best to you and good luck. Happy Birthday to your precious little one !

R.

Well, you can't uninvite anybody, that would just be rude. So I say make them all feel welcome and wanted, but kindly and firmly inform your mother in law (and your husband, since he seems to think it's ok, too) that you would appreciate it if she did not invite people without your knowledge or consent.

I totally understand your sensitive situation. You are angry but when the party comes you will feel terrible if the kids that got something different then the others and they start crying or feel hurt because they don't have the same thing. We all know the goody bags don't mean anything to adults but to kids at that moment it is huge! You can't control you MIL but you can control you own emotions by doing the right thing by buying everyone the samething. Don't feel bad about the left overs. They won't go to waste. You can save them as future rewards, stocking stuffers, or donate to there school for there treasure box.

Hi L.-

I think you have no choice but to make a goodie bag for the other children, but I see nothing wrong with 2 of the goodie bags being different from the others. It doesn't necessarily have to be these 2 children that get the different ones. Perhaps if there are 2 children that are older than the others they could get more "mature" goodies or 2 children that are younger could have something a little more age appropriate than the other goodie bags.

I would suggest that you talk to your mother in law and make sure there are not going to be any more surprise guests. Just let her know that you have prepared the goodie bags, you have ordered the appropriate size cake, etc. and you can't accomodate any surprises at this point.

Good Luck!
K.

In some cultures it is a BIG deal when a child turns 1. Does you MIL know about the bags if not let her know where she can buy more for the extra kids. Also let her know that you may need help with the food etc. because of the extra people this is a family gathering and family (should help). The help will make it easier and faster for everyone to have the fun be sure that everyone has a camera those pictures are the most fun later. But the most important thing is to be happy that your child is turning 1. Be happy for that.