Mother-in-law Trouble - Lewisville,TX

Bless you heart. I know exactly what you're going through. I'm sure you're husband is wonderful, but in this one area, he needs to realize that YOU are the #1 woman in his life now and he has to do what is best for his family. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I think it might be a good idea for you to let your husband read all of these posts. Like I said, I totally understand. My mil is very controlling and also VERY annoying. Thank God she doesn't live here. Hang in there, and if you ever need to vent, you can vent to me!!

Hi J.,

I agree that your DH needs to step up and be on your side. It's his responsibility to negotiate between his mother and his wife. And, if there's ever a disagreement, he really should be on your side - especially when it's things like this and you aren't being unreasonable. Maybe you should let him know how much you depend on his support.

I would suggest you stick to your guns on this because you know what's best for your family.

Good luck! IL issues are tough to deal with.

C.

Wow, that totally sucks really. My advise to you is to figure out what you want your boundries to be and stick to them. In my family it's not my MIL, it's my Aunt and her entourage... Long story. I also loved the line from the guys book for arguments in general - the line is "love you to much to argue". Not sure if will will infuriate her or make her see sense. But next time she you tell her what you are doing and she starts arguing, "love you too much to argue about this". It might help shut her down and helps you keep your sanity.

Hope it helps! Good Luck!

J. - I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Honestly, I don't feel you have a mil problem, but a husband problem. It isn't fair that he is so willing to back down because of her whining and make you look like the bad guy. He needs to understand that as long as the whining and manipulation continues to work, she will continue to do it. So, to make it stop, you both must stand up against her. It isn't that you are wanting to cut her out of your lives, or the life of her grandson, you just want to be the adults and make decisions that are best for you and your family. I would sit down with DH and discuss my frustrations and come up with a family game plan, then stick to it -- no matter how poorly she reacts to it.

I would also recommend that you read the book "Boundaries." It is a great read that tells how to set limits on people so your own personal feelings, values, etc aren't violated. It is difficult to establish boundaries with people who have never had them set on them before, but without them, life only gets more difficult.

Good Luck!
~M.

I know what you are going though as far as arranging schedules. My parents are both remarried and then there are my husband’s parents. So I have 6 grandparents to appease. After I had the first grandchild they started acting like children themselves calling holidays and weekends with no concern for what my husband and I wanted. My husband just like yours took his mothers side winch is natural thats his family. What I did was have a talk with my husband about our family and how that was his new focus. Doing what is best for our family not our parents. Now we cycle out with the parents and there are some occasions that are just for us. My MIL also resorts to fit throwing as I call it like yours. She hangs up the phone on you or will say some things only to your husband and not to you. This is another childish act. She might feel threaten that you are the new family matriarch of her sons family. Because she was the one telling him what to do for so long she might have trouble adjusting to it. What I do is make sure my husband and I are on the same page, mark out boundaries, and when need make sacrifices comparable to the ones they are willing to make. What really upsets me about your story is that you MIL said that she had to put up with it as a young bride. That is not an excuse to justify a bad decision that will just breed resentment. Just because she feels entitled to impose on you because that happened to her is not a good cycle. You are going to have to open the lines of communication and put a stop to it. Like any relationship the one with my MIL has its bumps but it is so much better now. Good Luck!!!

J.,

You can not be the one to change it. Your husband has to stand up to her. She needs to realize that he is married and has a family, and you are his priority. It will probably be hard the first couple of times, but he needs to do it before it causes to many problems in your realtionship with him.

Good Luck!

I feel your pain! It took me several years to finally (completely) stand up to my MIL. My husband just goes with the flow. I always joke that he married me to deal with his parents!

Sometimes grandparents forget what it's like to be a parent to young children. I have had to cancel several family functions knowing that my girls will be horribly tired & grumpy & will give off bad vibes to family members who rarely see them. I'd rather have the girls see them when the have eaten & are refreshed. Plus grandparents forget that if we stay up too late or if our schedule is thrown off course - it's not a good thing.

Stand your ground. Who cares what she thinks - this is OUR family now. When my husband & I were taking marriage classes before our wedding the counselor said, when you get married & have your children your new family is your circle. The grandparents are the circle outside of yours, other relatives/friends are the circles outside the grandparents, etc. Sorry I can't explain that better but you & your husband have to make the best decision for "your" family - not your MIL!

I agree with the previous posters. You summed up your problem with this one sentence "My DH always sides with her." It's my personal opinion that children should deal with their own parents and not expect their spouses to be the scapegoat.

As for your most recent dilemma, could they compromise by eating a little earlier, say 'brunch' instead of lunch, so that you could get home around 7 or 8?

Otherwise, if your husband won't stand up to his mother, and it was me, I'd just have to stay at home with the baby and let him go visit his family by himself. But that's just me. :) If they miss their grandchild enough maybe they'll take the effort to make the drive to your house next time.

I pretty much agree with the other moms- your DH needs to stand up for you and especially for the sake of your baby. It's horrible to ride in the car for six hours especially if it's a dreaded trip! It's not fair to you who probably ends up being the one to try and console, take care of and comfort the irritable baby throughout the trip. For us, and believe me my MIL is a doozy, I had to tell my husband that if he doesn't stand up for me and the kids who will? I, like you, am the one who "stands up" to my parents!
If he wants to take the trip so badly and doesn't want to back down let him go with his Mom and stick to your guns-don't give in and go. I am telling you that it only takes once maybe twice to stick to your decision and they will see that you are serious in the decisions you make regarding your baby's best interest! Good Luck!

My hubby is the baby of the family, so when we got married, it was a BIG deal for his mom. In fact, in-laws were the main argument in our marriage the first year- so I understand where you are coming from. Eventually, my husband had to understand that I am his wife and #1 responsibility, not his mom. With a type A mom-in-law, you have to be united in your decisions, regardless of her attitude or actions. Besides, you have more to think about now that just the inconvience to yourselves, your sweet baby is counting on you both to make good decisions for him. If you are going to have him on a schedule, and he needs to be in bed, then that is that. Blame the schedule, "sorry, we can't stay b/c the baby has to get to bed earlier than that". BUT- you'd better make sure you stick to the schedule for the 2 days you are at her house, too- so it is consistent. I would suggest maybe finding a good counselor through your church or even just an older couple that you both respct to talk this issue out with. DH has to back you up, period. She might also have a hard time adjusting to not being his #1 woman in his life, but she will get over it.