Mother-in-Law Makes Me Cringe

She sounds like a sweetheart! I am on my iPhone, so no long replies, but really, I think I am going to slap you on the wrist WHACK!

I think you need to pick a different coast this summer! I am never a proponent of being unkind-but you haven't been- so no slap from me. I hope you see a change this year! Good luck!

Nah...no slap on the wrist from me!

My mother in law has actually FLOSSED her teeth at the dinner table....IN A RESTAURANT!

'Nuf said?

You've had your vent, and this is a fairly safe place to vent.

I'm a MIL myself, and I hope I'm not like that. (I don't want my kids finding this site and venting to everybody about ME!) On the other hand, I, too, have a MIL, so I understand a little where you're coming from.

But you can't change her, really. When my MIL and FIL would come to visit, back when the children were small, many of the house rules would end up being suspended. And I would say, "Enjoy it, kids, because everything goes back to normal when our company is gone." Now my children are grown, MIL is much older - and things are more difficult.

My concern is that if you have this bitterness (unforgiving anger) when you're *not* venting, you're going to end up in the hospital and/or teaching bitterness to somebody else. If your emotions toward your MIL are really getting beyond your control, please find a counselor and ask how to stop being infected by *her* actions and *her* attitudes. There's a very true saying that he (or she) who angers you controls you.

I am not sure what you want as a response. I too have a MIL that is not the worlds model for MIL of the year...but she raised a son that I love and adore. She couldn't be bothered with my children when they were growing up and now wonders why they don't fawn on her and come and sit by her side when she is not well. (They are all grown with children of their own)
I must say that I am pleased to see that my husband has been the IDEAL son over the past couple of years, while she has been dealing with some major health issues. I think it has a lot to say about the type of person he is...and it also bodes well for the way he will take care of ME if I ever need it !!
There isn't a whole lot you can do about your MIL...but what you CAN do is adjust your attitude towards the entire situation. Ask yourself what you want to teach your children...do you want them to learn to be kind and forgiving...or do you want to teach them to be judgemental and sarcastic? You are NOT going to change your MIL...believe me...it ain't going to happen!! Thank her for offering to babysit but tell her that it really isn't necessary. Bite your tongue and ask her to come over and help you work in the yard or bake cookies, or go to the zoo with you and the children. Be kind, be happy and you might surprise yourself and actually get to the point that you can ENJOY help your children forge a relationship with their Grandmother!! I am not saying it is going to be easy...and I am not saying that you are the one to blame for all of the "issues" that you are dealing with. Your MIL sounds like a real character and I would have trouble being friends with her too!! But remember that she IS your Husbands' Mother and you can't really ask him to make a choice...he loves both of you...as he should.
Good luck...you have your work cut out for you!!

Dear E., Dr Phil likes to say that no matter how flat you make a pancake it always has 2 sides! My MIL had to be sedated by a doctor (not exaggerating, this really happened) when DH told his parents that he had proposed to me! She wore a white satin dress to my wedding and most of our guests were her friends and not ours. I've only mentioned the tip of the iceberg to give you an idea of where I'm coming from. Fast forward 21 years - my FIL died in Nov and DH & I flew up to help her deal with funeral etc. She actually begged me not to leave her alone! We brought her back home with us and converted my DH study into a room for her. We actually love each other now! So what caused the change? 2 years ago I wrote her a letter saying that I was aware that I was not the woman she wanted her only son to marry, and that at times we have upset each other but that, at the end of the day we both love her son. I said that because of our love for him, I felt it was about time we tried to bring the family together and that I loved her and her hubby for having raised such an amazing person - my husband. She didn't actually respond to the letter, but the tension just went out of our relationship. My FIL died a year later and I'm really very glad that I'd sort of cleared the air so that it wasn't as hard for us to take her in. Good luck with your own journey!

to answer your actual question: yes, at times, I did. But then I learned to accept her for the person she was....a genuinely, caring person - who simply lived waaaaay different from me. & I mean waaaaaaay different!

What turned me around was the realization that I bothered her as much as she bothered me. It's hard to look in the mirror & see that truth. But I saw it & changed what I could about our relationship. For the final years of her life, I know that I was a part of her happiness.....& she deserved so much more.

What also helped turn things around was her epiphany that her son was not a saint nor was I the only witch in the house. As she witnessed more & more of her son's behavior, she realized that together her son & I had a relationship which was very different from her own marriage....& that we were active, hands-on parents very different from how she handled life. When she began to applaud our parenting, I also lightened up on my own judgment of her behavior in my home.

Together we began walking a two-way street. Sometimes it was awkward, sometimes I wanted to scream....but in the end, I was responsible for every single family gathering for her & she openly appreciated my efforts. When she passed away, each of her daughters made a Memory Board. Mine included a eulogy praising her....& it was heartfelt. :)

I understand.

Women with normal MILs can never really understand and they are blessed.

As the mother of a son I find this post and some of the responses so depressing (people who seem to genuinely despise their MIL's for saving ketchup packets, suggesting you cut her out of your life, etc). She really doesn't sound that bad. She just wants to be involved and you make it clear that you don't feel she has ANY place in your family even as the mother of your husband.
Yeah, some of what you are saying does sound overbearing (such as staying over Christmas Eve, having boyfriend be called Grandpa) but if you haven't had an adult conversation with her about how you feel about these things, it's partly your own fault too.
I mean really, you have a son....is this what you want to model for him? A nasty attitude toward the paternal grandma? Pushing her away while treating your own mom like one of the family?
You think you will be a better MIL one day, but that won't be decided by you, it will be decided by your DIL, and if she is half as harsh as you, you are going to have a hard time staying close to your precious son.
Just something to think about. I hope you work out your issues with her.

You are going to have to speak up and stand up to her. My house my rules. We do not use offensive terms at the dinner table. I do not want a man I barely know sleeping in my house. The kids will call him 'Bob' but not grandpa. (Where is their paternal grandpa?) Does she live with you or have her own place? I could see a week or two if she stays with you, if she is planning on being in California for longer than that she needs to find an apartment.

As far as the babysitting goes let her take the kids on 2-3 hour outtings once a week and see how it goes. They could go to the LA zoo there are sooo many places in and around LA to take kids for a couple of hours. While they are gone you could do something just for you. You could also just do some laundry and cleaning and make dinner, without interferance from the kids. If the daytime outtings work out then you could plan date night with hubby once a week.

I also need to tell you --- you need to relax and let go a bit. You can not control every person your children have contact with. I'm a grandma and I am not perfect but I love my grandkids and love to spend time with them. No matter what **she is your kids grandma**. You do not have to like her but you do need to respect her. You also need to let her and your kids have a relationship. Even though you do not like her personal style you need to look at it as simply different --it's not good or bad--it is different. She is allowed to be different. My daughter hates the way I wear my hair-- I haven't changed my hair style in over 30 yrs -- it took a couple of yrs to get her to understand ~~it's my hair I like it and I'm not changeing~~ !!! You don't like her shoes --seriously -- is that honestly something you want to fight about?

You are not a saint. You are coming off as unbearable, self absorbed and as over bearing as your MIL is in your opinion. Remember men tend to marry women like their mothers--you are more like her than you care to admit to. The things you see in her and can't stand are probably personality quirks in yourself that you do not like.

In all cases be kind. Everyone is going through something.

People will often not rememer what you said or did. But they will remember how you made them feel.

Hmmm? I am one of 'those' blessed people that has a normal, loving MIL and I SO CAN NOT RELATE...but with that being said...

When the going gets rough can you just repeat to yourself ...'Without her I would not have my wonderful husband and therefore my beautiful children...Without her I would not have my husband and therefore my beautiful children' as many times as necessary to get you through it?

~When I struggle with difficult situations I know I have no control over I try to tell myself that "I can do ANYTHING for X amount of time"! It usually helps me....but I do not like to dwell or focus on negative behavior or feelings...life is too short!

When you look for the bad or irritating things about someone, you will ALWAYS find them no matter who they are. She does sound crude and offensive, but you are nit-picking this woman to death because you haven't kept your boundaries clear. It sounds like she has been overstepping for a while and you have let her even though you weren't happy about it. You have to find a way to make your thoughts/feelings known without sounding disrespectful/ungrateful or you may drive a wedge between you and your husband.

wow. I might be on my own but you didn't give real exanples that warrant that kind of rage. I mean she sleeps over chirstmas eve with her long term boyfriend. I'm assuming thats not that odd for a grandparent who lives out of state. Most don't take the time to visit. She wants her non blood related long term boyfriend (i'm assuming of mny years who live together to be called grandpa?) I'd like my daughter to be refered to as a grandchild by her future step grandparents should I ever get married...shared dna doesn't account for everything. If he acts like a grandpa and is around he shuld e able to be called one. As for using the word urine at the dinner table, gosh I am unrefined because if I was relaying a story I might use that word too. As for saying your child looks like another ethnicity, when my daughter was first born she did and I commented on it as did other people...she looked gorgeouse her skin tone was slightly yellow and had to go under that light and had dark hair. She only looked that way for a few days but when I see pics she looks of spanish decent...I do't find that horrible to say.
You went on and on about her tan, flip flops, voice...you sound so mean!
I had a mother in law who wasnt so easy to deal with but for real reasons, not the way she looked and talked but I still love her even now that shes not my actual mil anymore...I love mil rants ussualy and ussually agree but the way you worded this seems so mean...I mean how dare she watch the kids once a week and give you a break and bond with them
now if you said she was teaching them bad habits, talked down to you...that would be diferent, but from you saying you're a saint and talking down about her using the word urine i feel you would be the one talking down to her

Rather than wish for a MIL that you didn't have, it's time to accept the one you do have. The woman has limitations, but you've got to be comfortable setting up boundaries.

The one thing that really irks me is her insisting your children call her long-term boyfriend Grandpa. That's a title of respect that he hasn't earned and one you haven't given permission for. She may have made the request/demand, but you get to tell the children what to call him if calling him Grandpa makes you and your husband uncomfortable. Have your husband tell her so, because it's HIS mother. Have a few suggestions ready and compromise by allowing her to add a couple of suggestions. If there's something they like on the list you came up with, then the kids use that one. Make sure that they're still titles of respect, but let her know that because he's not their grandfather, that particular title and those related to it are off limits.

Your husband also needs to be firm with her about setting additional boundaries. Visiting on particular days and maybe having a planned family dinner with her once a week. Calling before stopping by to make sure that it's a good day EVEN IF it's a "particular day." Because seriously, just because you work out of your home that doesn't mean you're available.

And remember: no one can "make" you do something you really don't want to do. You just have to be comfortable reinforcing boundaries, especially when your husband won't. But practice makes perfect, dear husband.

WOW

I have nothing nice to say.

Wow...... with all that, did you say "week-long family reunion"???? OMG!! You're a better woman that I am honey!

My hubby and I just had a conversation about his mom where he finally decided to have a talk with her today. And that's my suggestion for you.... It's really your hubby's job to address the issues that disrupts the peace in your home caused by his mom. You are too angry to do it where things won't end up worst than they are. I almost blew it with my MIL last week (she too will cross boundaries with our kids and us) but things got handled peacfully when hubby finally took a stand today.

i so can relate. with your feelings i mean, not the intrusion. i too have said so many times i hope i become nothing like my mother in law. my mom, on the other hand, is an awesome mother in law. so i know it can happen. i really have no words of advice except cut the ties. i mean, a lot of people cannot do that for fear of how the husband would react, but i risked my marriage by cutting mine out. i just had to. we had no relationship, and there was no chance of her changing at her age, so why even bother? it worked out best for us. not necessarily for her because my husband stopped visiting her. they still talk, and she is still a looney bin but she doesn't see him ever. ya think that made her think? nope. she sees nothing wrong with having no relationship with her son or his family.

She can only violate your boundaries with your permission. So stop giving her permission.

There is so much of what you wrote that could have been written about my MIL, so I definitely feel for you. That said, I am very lucky that for the most part, my MIL is so self-involved that while she may say, "I'd love to come and watch the kids for you and give you some time off", it doesn't come to fruition. We have few visits to contend with, and that is find for me. My biggest issue is the constant frustration and disappointment she causes my husband. For instance, I had just been admitted to the hospital for severe pancreatitis, and my husband was driving our kids to my parents house rather late at night so that he could come be with me in the hospital. (There were times he thought I was dying, he'd never seen me in so much pain.) I don't know if he called his mother (who lives on the other side of the country) or if she just happened to call, but he tells her what is going on and she proceeds to berate him for imagined insults from when my son was born six years ago! They had it out on the phone then, but a few days later she is calling and making plans like nothing ever happened. She is an egomaniac and I will not let her disappoint and hurt my children like I have seen her do to her own son.

I also believe that the human psyche is far more complex than to simply say, "Men marry women who remind them of their mothers." In some ways, yes. Men look for a woman who will be a caring nurturer, yet tough when the situation calls for it. That is kind of a very simplistic definition of "mother", and since most men at least have some notion that they will have children with their wives, they pick out women who may be compatible mothers to their own parenting philosophies. (Of course all philosophies can get morphed in the actual practice, but that's a different conversation.) For every similarity one might be able to draw between myself and my MIL, there are at least five very important differences, not just to me, but to my husband. If he had a better relationship with his mother, it might be a very different story. I hope you your husband is clear on what his priorities are and not blind to the issues that make you uncomfortable. The only time a MIL is truly a problem is when she is afforded the opportunity to drive a wedge between man and wife. Everything else is pretty easily handled. Good luck to you.

That's okay. My MIL lives several states away and maybe we see her once or twice a year, thank goodness. If we happen to go out somewhere, she is grabbing all the freebies she can. Even in a fast-food place, she's swiping ketchup packets, sugar packets and napkins to use for later. Even when she has stayed with us, in our home, she's done this - and we're like, "Umm, we have lots of ketchup! Plenty of napkins too!" As often as she can, her Christmas and birthday gifts to her grandchildren are whatever she could get for free from somewhere. One time my stepsons for Christmas got Coca-Cola t-shirts from her that she got for free for recycling enough soda cans. One time my Christmas gift from her was a calender that she got for free from the bank, because it had puppies and kittens on it. Talk about wow.

Anything that she actually buys for a gift is as cheap and tacky as possible. She always got my stepsons socks and underwear for Christmas until they were like, 12 and 13 and their dad had to say something beforehand that she couldn't do that anymore. Then she wondered what to get them because "they're getting too old for toys, I can't get them toys anymore!" Ummm, HELLO! You have NEVER gotten them toys, why be concerned about it now? This year for Christmas she sent my daughter a package of stuff that included, of course, socks, underwear, and undershirts - all the packaging was labeled "Slightly Imperfect". She is always getting us stuff too that she apparently thinks we need, but don't really need. It's always pens, notepads, gloves, towels. She never ASKS if there is anything we could use or would like - she just gets it and sends it, and it's never anything I would pick out for myself. And if I really needed pens, I can afford to buy some. Same with ketchup. This year, hubby's gift from her was a Patriots hat from when they were AFC Champs in 2007 - so exciting and thoughtful!

Sometimes I wonder if deep down, in some way, they know they messed up with their own kids, and now want to try to make up for it with their grandkids. Or they really believe they did a great job with their kids and therefore can do a great job with their grandkids. I understand how you feel and I would try, whenever possible, to maintain boundaries, and let your husband handle her if he is effective. Just don't bad-mouth her in front of your kids. My hubby's ex-wife would do that and carry on as if she didn't think her sons could hear her. Like her or not, she was still their grandmother. Eventually when they are old enough, they will form their own opinions, but right now they don't need their feelings and thoughts tainted by your opinion of her. I am not crazy about my MIL but I don't bash her or talk all snarky about her in front of my daughter either. My stepsons know she is nuts. Everyone else knows it too. You are not alone. She gets under everyone's skin. I've just learned to accept her as she is, and recognize that she has her limitations in many ways, and not to expect more. That way, I am rarely surprised, or disappointed.

I feel this way about my mother in law too. It is hard..when you say "she raised and I fixed" I can sense that maybe you didn't always like your husbands attitude/behavior and had to suffer and work to change him into someone better. And the mil is a reminder of who you dot want your husband to morph back into. Some people are not good for your marriage, even if they are family. Maybe keep her at a distance, have her see the kids at intervals but if you think she is a bad influence keep her at a distance. Unless you are experiencing it most people don't get how damaging people like this can be.

I feel your pain! I have one of the crazy MILs. Even my husband is picking up on her craziness finally. I agree with a previous post, people with normal MIL dont understand. Lol. Made me feel better anyway