Mother-In-Law Dying

What I would suggest is invest in a recording device, be it a tape recorder or dvd recorder and set up some special time. Ask her about her child hood and growing up and let her tell those stories that are the most special to her. It will make a great legacy to be passes down and give a reminded of not only the woman that you love now, but also of her the way that she remembers herself.

You've received some wonderful advice from many moms and I have to agree with all of them. But, I also know that when you go to "interview" her, you may not know where to start or what to ask. I have a document with over 100 questions that will guide you through her life starting from childhood, school years, marriage, parenthood, etc. Some are simple questions asking for dates and yes/no answers, but many of them are questions that will get the stories flowing. Since it is so long, I won't post it here, but if you are interested, email me privately and I'll send the attachment to you. (and anyone else that wants it too)

A. Robison
____@____.com

p.s. I use this document in my personal business: I help others preserve their stories and photos in hardcover, library bound books that will last for generations. I'm happy to help you with that as well. www.CreateHeritage.com

I don't know if this applies to you, but here goes. My Grandmother passed away earlier this year. She was an amazing southern cook and after she was gone, I realized I wished I had asked her for her recipies(she had few written down as most had been passed orally from her mother and grandmother to her). I have such a since of loss from not having this family info and there is no way to retrieve it now. I am so glad you are able to realize how precious this time is. God bless.

After my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, my sister video taped her. She told us stories and we asked questions and have it all on tape. Best thing we have. Not just answers to questions, but her telling us the answers etc. It is great to watch now and then, also wonderful for the great grand kids.

Hope this helps. Prayers with you all.

I took care of my ex MIL until she died. She used to wake us up every morning singing gospel songs. I told her that we all knew that she wouldn't be with us forever. I told her I wanted to fix her face & hair and for her to do a video for us. I asked her to sing all those songs that I cherished. And, she did. Oh tears. I've only been able to watch it a few times in the 10+ years since she died.

Have your MIL make your children a video for later years. Then they'll have her alive on their TV anytime they want.

The first thing I would do would be to ask if she has a Will; if not, GET ONE. Then I would ask about family traditions from WAY back and record them in a journal for your daughter and your husband; I would ask about special family pictures; I would ask about favorite family recipes, and how and when she made them (in our family we have certain dishes for each holiday); if you are at all interested in someday researching a family tree, I would get information (names, approximate dates of birth, location of birth, names of siblings, grandparents, etc.); I would ask her to share favorite memories of your husband as he was growing up -- record that in your journal, too). You didn't mention if your father-in-law was still in the picture, but if not, get information about him, too. I would think all of the above suggestions would help your little one feel connected to her daddy's family. You might have her dictate a letter to your daughter about how much she loves her, how she felt when the baby was born; some special memories she has -- like when the baby began to walk, talk, sit up -- anything -- to record in the journal, also. Unless you know about family medical history, you might question her about that, too. Hope this helps.

My parents have both passed now and I'm glad we took the pictures, did the crafts etc. but the one thing I did that in retrospect was the most "important" was just sitting and listening to THEM. Being at the end of their lives they had alot to say to me, things they needed to get off their chest, their hopes for my future, their regrets etc. Even when they were sleeping I just held their hand so I could remember what it felt like. I felt that in doing these "little" things meant the most to us both. I know how difficult it is and I'm sorry.

C.,
I am so sorry about your MIL- I know these can really be difficult times. Myself, I had to watch my mother slowly die and it was very painful. Now, at this time I am watching my first born child slowly die with a dreaded diese of the liver and it is not an easy thing to go thru.
The only comforting thing I can offer is to spend as much time with this person as you can, cheresh every moment- talk about everything- get her family history if she knows so she can pass that on to your children- love her ...........then here is something that someone I know did when they lost a loved one- she took all the clothing this person had and had quilts made for her other siblings. It was a lasting project of love that will stay with them for ever. They use these quilts all the time and it makes them feel so much closer to the one they loved. If there are not enough pieces of clothing to use for quilts, you can make sofa or bed pillows.

My prayers are with you and your family.
blessings

hand print sounds like a wonderful idea. My opinion, time is the best gift. Spend lots of time with her. you can lose a craft, a picture but you can never lose memories. Live in today not the future. Thinking of you and your mil for a peaceful passing.

C.,

I am so sorry that your family is going through this rough time, however, you are so wise to know that you will want things for the future. We lost my mother in law, a few years ago and it was tough on the kids. Somethings that I would recommend are getting a tape recorder (or whatever the high tech equivalent is!), and recording your MIL's voice. Have her leave a message for your little, about how much she loves her, how she felt when she was born, etc. This way your daughter will always hear in her grandmother's voice, how much she loved her. Or record it via videotape. I know you will always tell her how much she was loved, but nothing beats the real thing.
Compile a list of questions that you would ask, so you don't forget in the emotions of things. Ask about stories from her childhood, your husband's childhood, etc. These things are so important for the future.
k

with my dad we made an audio interview about his life. His experiences as an immigrant, his childhood, his parents, his life lessons...

I've got his voice forever and my children have the wealth of his life. It's a treasture.

Well first I want to say i'm so sorry about your MIL. I would just take as many pic's as possible...with each of ya'll individually and a group and some of just her...but that's just me. Also, my sister got a book for our g-ma to fill out that asks questions about her child, etc. SO, maybe ya'll could get that and go thru that with her...I'm not sure exactly what the name of the book is, but I bet you could go to the bookstore and just tell them what type of book it is and they should be able to help you. I'll try and get the name of the book from my sister if you are interested! I love your idea about the craft...If I think of anything else I will let you know. Also as for the pic's...I'd get some posed shots but also candid shots of her with the family. Maybe you can put together a scrap book or something. Just a thought. My thoughts and prayers are with ya'll!!!

Morning C.;

At my age I have lost a lot of people and wish I could have a conversation with each one, I have lost both parents, my brother all my aunts and uncles and my youngest son! It isn't easy!
I have a couple of suggestions:
#1 make a video with her with each of you including your two year old daughter!
#2 On the video have her tell you as much about the family as she can remember. Every story that she can think of!
My father-in-law's family were Irish and we regret that we did not ask him more questions about the family. As a result we have hit a blank wall in trying to trace my wife's family past her grandfather and grandmother!
Most of all, make her last days HAPPY!
Good Luck
B. C.

Sorry I didn't read the posts so if this has been said, sorry to waste, but first I would if she is in any condition to video as many of her stories as you can, especially about her childhood, and your husbands. Also if she can record a message to your daughter that would be a great thing to keep for her. I am so sorry for your impending loss!

M.

Yes by all means you must try to capture her essence for the children who will want to know what she was like. Has anyone done an oral biography on her life. Perhaps if she can't speak, there is a sister, brother or best friend who knew her well who could speak on her behalf. Tape record their stories about who she is/was. If she can speak - then capture her stories in her own voice. Speak to her doctors and see if this is possible. You will be glad you did. My MIL and I were close and I wish I had done this very thing with her. My grown children ask me constantly "What was she like?" You will be glad you made the effort and IF she still has a voice she will want to tell you in her own words. There are books on this subject. They will guide you through the questions to ask. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Da...
Good luck and God bless. This is a worthwhile project. My MIL wrote a letter to the grandkids telling them how much she loved knowing them.

Our most precious memories of lost grandparents, in particular, are the video interviews we did with them talking to us about their lives, stories they were fond of telling, and so on. Just start the camera, say "tell me again that one about the fish you took for a walk", and you're off. My dad (the fish story) died when my younger kids were 3 & 4, and this is how they know him. They're now in college and just lost their other grandfather at age 100. Nothing replaces someone, but this helps some,especially if a little one has no other memories.
My sympathy on your coming loss to you and your husband and family.

Dear C.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. I know how overwhelming it can be to have a family member terminally ill. It is hard to think. Before my pappaw died, he was in the hospital for 9 months and i would visit him once or twice a week. He would just talk and he was very lucid. He would tell me things about where relatives are buried, very specific things, that at the time almost seemed like lists, and i thought at the time "i'll never rememeber all this", but was too overwhelmed to do anything more than listen. He would tell me stories, about WWII, about growing up, about all the different jobs he had, about my mom and her siblings growing up, etc. My fave was the time he was walking home in the country and passed a parked car, looked inside, and saw Bonnie and Clyde asleep.

I'm going into detail so that it might jog your memory of things you might want to ask. I would get a tape recorder and then write some of it down. I wish i had done the same, but at the time, i had my Mom and i thought i'd be able to always ask her. And you think that you will remember things that you will not. Ask her about her first kiss, the first time she fell in love, dances or the prom and what she wore. Her wedding day, pregnancy, funny stories about her children. Stuff about her siblings if she has any, getting in trouble, kid stuff, fave present or christmas. Greatest rewards of her life, spirituality, biggest regret, lost dreams. I'm assuming she is lucid and has strength to answer these questions. If she does, pick one or two day, and just talk.

Also, with a 2yr old, there will be questions as she grows up you be might wishing you could ask. Things about milestones that she will have in relation to when her father had them. When did he get his first teeth, etc. I have 15month old and my mom died 2 yrs ago and i find myself wishing i could call her all the time. I want to ask her how fussy i was when i was teething, about my first steps, etc. Things that my dad has no clue about or just can't remember.

I know i wrote a lot, but i know how hard it is to remember what you want to ask. The mother's seem to remember more than the father's, so once they are gone, it seems like there is just this vast amount of knowledge that you no longer have access to. I didn't mean to overwhelm you with all of these things you might want to find out, and if i did, just take it a day at a time. Ask a question a day, write a paragraph as she tells you. You do have a rare opportunity, one that so many don't get. Do what you can, leave the rest to God. It will turn out the way it is supposed to. Take care of yourself, as well. I know that between your MIL and your child, you have more than enough. Don't be afraid to ask others for help.

Y

I have a friend who has recently lost his mother to this disease, and I got to spend some time with her. I don't know the condition that your MIL is in, but this lady lived several years after diagnosis and a few years after she had deteriorated almost fully. I say that because you mention that she will be gone in about one month but you want to get information from her. Be sure to prepare yourself and your children for her to be here a while with very little to no capacity to communicate with you, unless she's got the hand-held computer or she can answer yes-or-no questions with her eyes.

Start asking other elders in the family for what you want. If it's in her presence, that might unlock her and get the ball rolling.

My heart goes to your family and to your husband specifically.

I would have your hubby sit down with her and just TALK and record the conversations. Talk about his childhood, her childhood, family members, her hopes and dreams, what she remembers of her own parents, any wisdom she wants to pass down to him and to your daughter. Take some pictures of your hubby and her and your daughter together. And most importantly, make sure she has written down somewhere what belongings she wants to go to certain people so there is no question afterwards. Make sure you save some things for your daughter for when she is older.
I can't think of anything else, I hope this helps and I'm very sorry you're having to go through this

One thing I did with my mother was to interview her about her life, with a tape recorder, and with me, my brother and my brother's partner present. She was a shy, self-effacing person and I think she liked being asked about herself when there was no way she could say "i'll tell you later." Videotapes of her with my daughter were also a good idea.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's great that you are thinking of how to keep your mother in law alive for your grand daughter.

M.

First off I want to send my sympathy to you and your family. It is so hard to lose someone we love, but from experience I can tell you the memories will live on forever. One of the things I regret the most after my mother's passing was that I never sat down and asked her questions about her family and upbringing. Sure I knew who my grandmother was and my mother's siblings, but I never asked her more questions like where did her mother and father come from, who were their parents, what was her growing up years like etc. I have had to piece it all together through many years of research and talking to other relatives and if I had only asked her. She would have loved to tell me her story and think back and share some good times and bad. Please for your children, do ask these questions and take notes or tape her telling her stories. Go through old photos of people you don't know who they are and ask her who they are and make sure your write it on the back of the photo. You will cherish this information for years to come. Spend time with her so she will know she is loved and will be missed and whatever you do, please do not feel that you can not tell her how much she has meant to you etc. So many times we are afraid to mention the fact that they are dying and we don't tell them the things we should and that they want to hear as well. It will bring peace to her and she will leave this earth knowing how important she was in everyone's life. Make her feel specials because once she is gone there is nothing you can do about all the things you wanted to say and do. Good Luck to you and my prayers are with your mother-in-law, you and your family.

Hi C.,

My name is D. and my Mom just passed away in July. Do anything w/her that you and your daughter and spouse wish to do with her as long as she feels up to it. Ask questions about her background, great, great grandparents, great uncles and aunts, etc. and always have a pen & paper ready or a very clear working taperrecorder/video. Your daughter might want to know these things in the future. I know I did this with my great aunt whom informed me about my heritage more than my Mom even could. My Mom couldn't talk about such things after having a stroke over 15 years ago. Hug her a lot and let your little hug her. You will always remember her touch. I kissed my Mom on a daily basis on her forhead and I know she felt me and I still feel her forhead daily. Her smell is with me as well. I still hear her calling me when I walk in the house. Take lots and lots of pics. You will want to put together a nice video for the funeral. That is done now a days at almost every funeral home. Get pics of her w/other family members you will want to include in the video. I was able to include at least one pic of all siblings, nephews, nieces, my aunts, uncles, and Grandma and of course my family and my loving Dad whom passed away 12 years ago. Give her what she wants to eat, secretly, make her day. Heck, let her die in peace. Ask for any forgiveness she needs to do because you will feel great. I did with my Dad and my Mom and there wasn't much to ask for but I still feel great that they left w/no problems w/me. Celebrate all holidays with her and include her in as much as possible w/you, husband, and child. Don't make her feel like she's a burden. Last of all that I can remember now, talk to God every single day, everytime you feel overwhelmed, and for all answers pertaining to her. Ask for time off from friends, family, or even me. I truely understand. I took care of my Mom for 15 years ---feeding, dressing, changing, just everything. Don't listen to the Docs, God is in charge. She may live a lot longer. Mom was dead and came back to life for 15 years. ( : Live it in Gods hands. Be strong and write back.

D. -
Angleton, TX.

There are some companies that specialize in doing video histories of loved ones. I don't know how expensive they are, but you might look for one of those in the Houston area. Another thing to do would be to call the local NPR station (KUHF) and ask if they know how you can get a Story Corp package. It was a national program that interviewed people about their lives and was aired on the radio. The program had a packet with a whole series of questions to ask for those of us who didn't have a clue where to start. The packet was for people who didn't want to lose the memories of beloved family members. Also, Learning Express has several craft projects like hand prints on plates, etc. that your MIL and daughter might enjoy. They are very cute and not very expensive. Hope this helps. I'm very sorry that your family is going through this. You sound like a wonderful DIL - this is such a thoughtful and sweet idea on your part.

My grandma stayed with my parents in the end of her life, I would go over as much as possible with my son (2yrs at the time)as that was helpful to her! My mom had bought a grandmothers memories book, kinda like a baby book, with fill in the blank style. What will be will be, but try to make each day happy and full of family! It's hard, but being there can be blessing for all.
God's Blessings

Wow, I can't imagine how hard this would be. The only thought that comes to my mind, is make sure you understand your MIL's feelings and what she wants right now. Be extremely conscious of her needs.

C.,

I'm sorry your family is having to go through this. I've read the other advice, so will try just to add new thoughts.

1) If you have not enlisted a hospice yet, I would do that. They will be of more help than you can imagine as The Day gets closer. They are even helpful in the after period.

2) One other person wrote, and I concur, that she may be able to talk only a short while longer. There are some great books for grandparents to tell their story in, and one of those may have great questions for her. But do it soon. Her ability to write may soon be gone, as well.

3) Pictures and crafts, not just with your daughter, but with you and your hubby and any siblings he may have. And definitely get her voice if she still has one.

My prayers are with you.

A.

Hi. I don't know where she is with everything...it's hard to answer. When my mom died of cancer the last month was really messed up - traumatic, intense, it takes an incredible amount of energy. (The body is tough and it aches to see the pain.) I didn't really have a map or plan, i was just there for whatever she decided she needed. We had hospice aids periodically but it was pretty non stop craziness.

So there are like transitional stages of consciousness - i guess that's sort of what i'd call it. i was pretty good at meshing in with her and just flowing. We didn't even need to communicate verbally the last couple of weeks, we moved way beyond that. It was the closest we've ever been. It was so beautiful in that sense.

If you think about it, you aren't really losing her. And the questions you worry about thinking of - it's cool - because one will pop up and before you know it the answer is felt in your heart. You KNOW her - the last month isn't who she IS. The type of answers you'd seek would not come from you mother in law in the last month, it would come from who she is, the being, without the physical illness end part. You will feel her love and if you listen you will hear. It's just a different form of communication.

I wish I could explain it in a more articulate way. It will be a tough road and you will be stressed. Just maybe think of what can you do to help her be comfortable - feel it out - and that will show you what to do. Do your best not to add anxiety or worry, and use your love for her to help make her transition as beautiful as possible. You are granted to the unique opportunity to decide what you want to contribute to her passing.

Let her know it is okay for her to go - while my mother and i were ready to make that journey, other family members weren't and she clung on for two weeks. It was unreal torture I can't describe, she loved us and so she is trying - mostly on limbic system and so unable to process it and in total dischord - and it is uneccessary. That was probably the most f%$#ed up part of it all (sorry, for the blunt language.) It's quite possible that you are already witnessing that the person in the very end is not the same as whom you long to keep.

Take care of yourself, as it will take a tough toll on your own physiology if you allow it.
It's all going to be okay. Offer your love to help in whatever way is truly best for the experience. All the assorted people type anxieties you might feel, it doesn't really matter because you will find your peace. I make my crafts now and think of my mother all the time - and that is a gift to her. I try to live as a better person to honor to beauty I know, and that is a good gift to give your mother in law.

Just close your eyes and breathe and remember that We are eternal.

Do a little at a time with her. I would suggest taking pictures of her with your daughter, yourself and your husband. The craft idea is great. Ask her if there is a craft idea that she would like to do with your daughter as well. Go on a short drive with her to a favorite spot. If it is too cold where you live, go to a simple activity inside, a quiet restaurant, or a friends house. Spend time talking with her and ask questions about her childhood and her life. Either take notes or tape record her answers for later.Ask about friends she had as a young girl and games that they played. Ask about how she felt when she found out she was pregnant for the first time, how she felt when she got married, when she got her driver's license etc. Ask about things you want to know if you can without feeling that you are prying. TEll her that you want to keep memories for yourself, your husband and your daughter. I am sure that she will be appreciative. Just don't overwhelm her with all of this at once. Do a little at a time. Be sure to let her know how much you all love and appreciate her. This is a very difficult thing to go through, but it sounds as if you are doing it well. Good luck. J. K.

Hi C.,
Congrats for having the foresight. We've lost any number of relatives and it's true we all say, "Why didn't we do/think of so and so?" Think about what hobbies, friends, travels, work she's done over her life. Video her talking about her favorite things. Take pics of MIL, DH, and DD together. I am fortunate enough to have 4 generation pics with 2 of my children before the grands passed. If she had favorite recipes that she knew by heart, but not written down, at least get them dictated.
Thank her for whatever good example she has shown you, for being a good mom/GM/MIL to your DH/DD/you.
When she begins to talk of "going home" she is not talking about her physical house, but heaven. Tell her she is free to go. Some people unfairly cling to the dying pleading with them to stay. Have a DNR (do not resusitate)order signed. Some people have a more difficult time passing and others smoother. If you are using hospice/other ask them specifically what she might do so that you will not be alarmed. My dad hung on much too long because my mom pleaded for him to stay. When she was out of the room, I told Dad to go to the light, that I would see after Mother. I told him that everybody loved him. That I knew he was ready to see his parents and brothers who'd passed. I thanked him for being a gread dad. He passed over 2 hrs. later. I mentally cheered him across the finish line. He'd fought the good fight and ran the good race. I was holding his hand for his last breath on earth and his first breath in heaven. Some people speak of seeing their passed loved ones, or angels who have come to guide them on their way. Don't be afraid. Dying is as natural a part of living as being born. HTH. Peace, C.

Talk to her about only things that she would know - What was she like as a little girl? What did she want to be when she grew up? How did she meet her husband? What was/were her child/children like? Were was she when Kennedy was assassinated? Be sure and write it all down or tape it so that you can share it in future years.

One idea for the hand print craft is to go to a ceramic making place (where the ceramics are already made and you can custom paint them). You could make a set of special "china" dishes each with a hand print of your daughter and your mother in law. (Plate, cup, bowl, saucer..etc.) When you want to remind her of your mother in law, you could take out her special dishes. It would also be something she could keep with her forever.
You sound like a wonderful mother and daughter in law. You are in my prayers.
A.
www.InvestingInMyKids.com

If you're going to have a camera on her, have a little fun
makeup session prior to it so that she won't be so self-
conscience about her looks and can focus on her life stories. I read that these are matters that the dying
most focus on.
1. Did my life matter
2. How will I be remembered (Ask her how she would want to
be remembered) Assure her that she will.
3. Will I be missed
Everything should be recorded. I've read in your responses
that pictures may fade, but memories last forever. This
has not been the case for me, I regret to say. Pictures
and silent movies of my family in the 50's, are the most
precious things I have today of my mother.
I have a list of over 50 things I wish I could remember
about my mother, but can't put my hands on it. I would
love to share it with you when it falls into my lap.
You are precious to her and to your husband and child
to gather these things while time presents itself.

I would have her dictate to you or write down her most cherished recipes or the recipes to things that she use to cook for your husband and her kids. You can have the recipes bound in book and pull it out on special occasions after she passes and call it "grandma's gravy" or "nana's tuna casarole". I am sure it would mean alot to your husband to have his mother's recipes saved to pass on to the next generationl. We did that with my mom, we picked her brain and compiled the recipes and inserted old and recent pics of her cooking with the kids and on special occasions.

I'm so sorry. I think that you have a lot of great advice here. Maybe ask her what she wants to do. Her "Bucket List" if you will.
Also just video of her reading a favorite book to your daughter would be wonderful and something that you could play for her everyday without always feeling sad.
I wish you and your family the smoothest next couple of months. Our prayers are with you.

Dear C.--So sorry to hear about your MIL. This IS a difficult time, and I think the idea of the handprint craft is a wonderful thing for your daughter.

Having lost my own MIL almost six years ago, I will share what we did when we knew she was dying. We were told by the hospice people to begin telling her what she meant in our lives, what we admired about her, how we were thankful that she had been a part of our lives. It is very IMPORTANT that she hear these things from you, AND you will be SO glad that you told her what she meant to you. That way, when she passes, you will have no regrets about what you should have said.

Be sure to spend a lot of time with her. During the quiet moments, thoughts will occur to you, and you can share them with her. I'm pretty sure that she cannot talk now, so she won't be able to respond. But that's not what's important. What is important is that you TELL her all the things you need to tell her.

After my MIL passed, I was so moved that I actually wrote and delivered her euology. I was able to remember all the things she had shared with me about her childhood and the early years with her son (my husband). I was able to tell others, as well, about what she meant to me and how much her life had blessed mine. To this day, I remember those things, and I am so happy that I got to love her "til the end".

Blessings to you as you go through this important time in your life and hers.

This is a terrible disease to have. Can she still speak? If so, even tho your daughter is only two, try to record a conversation between the two of them. If she can, have her either record or dictate her life story to you. If there are old photos of family members you don't know, have her identify them for you. I received a email recently that contained a photo of five generations of just hands. A photo of grand-mother and grand-daughter holding hands would be a great keep-sake.

C.,a really special idea is take a shirt, blanket, or something made of cloth and have a TEDDY BEAR made with it for your daughter to keep and any other little ones in the family. I saw it on Oprah and my mom is having my son one made for when she passes. My dad passed a few years ago and I wished I had asked about family and nationality. I have been doing research on the internet and found out this whole time I was Italian.I found some neat stuff on-line but who knows more than the actual person. Do they have a will and what goes to who. My dad did not. It has been a 5 year nightmare because he did not!!

I am so sorry to here about your MIL. I know this must be a hard time in your life. As for suggestions, they have special books that are for grandparents to fill out for there grandchildren. It asks questions about how the grandparents were raised and what they accomplished in there life. You could probably make you own and just ask certain questions and maybe put it on tape that way later you could write it down. Also, you could maybe video tape the grandma with your daughter. Just cherish this time with her.

Prayers your way. At barnes and noble, they sell these books to give to grandparents, that they fill out so grandchildren can remember them. I think I seen them in the parenting section. I heard a celebrity talking about them (I think she created them) on t.v. once.

A little over a year ago I lost my dad and my grandfather within a month's time period. One thing that I asked from my grandfather was all of his memories that were important in his life, my mom's, my grandmother's, etc. He typed them out for me so that I could have them and learn from them and pass them on. So, maybe ask her to write down anything that she would like for your daughter to remember about her or her family. Maybe ask her for some recipes...I know that those are pretty special in my family. It is also cool if she does it in her own handwriting because it is something that you can hold on to and remember.
My dad passed away without notice, so I didn't get to ask/do anything special with him before he was gone. My daughter was conceived 2 weeks after he passed so he didn't get to meet her, so your daughter getting to spend alot of time with her obviously is important. I think that the hand thing would be a great idea. My sister took all of my dad's Hawaiian shirts and made a quilt out of it so that my daughter and I could "wrap up" with him...kinda like a hug. These are a couple of things that have helped me keep my loved ones close after they have passed away.

There are kits available to put together grandmother's journals to pass on their life experience, words of advice, etc. Work with her to put that together. If she's still in good enough shape, you can use a simple video camera where she records stories about her early life, some things she's learned, and advice she'd like to pass on to her grandchildren. Let it be a time of reflection and passing on the baton. Make sure she has the eternal questions answered - Where will I be going after I die? - and is at peace. My prayers are with all of you as you go through this time.

I think the hand print craft is a great idea, I suggest making a photo album that has her baby pictures, and your daughters as well. Take pictures of her now in profile, while reading, maybe find some of her in happier times and add them to the album. One thing that we did last year for my aunts 80th birthday was start a video diary, we asked her to talk to us about her growing up at the ranch, things she liked to do, her funniest moment, the first time she got in trouble and what she did, her first job, how she met her husband, etc... We sometimes forget how much history and knowledge our grandparents have, unfortunately I didn't think of this before my grandmother passed, but my aunt grew up with her and so she was able to tell us a little bit about her. The reason I did a video diary is because I tend to forget things, and that way we can always go back and watch it and pass it down to the next generation. Good Luck and I hope you enjoy the precious time you have together. My prayers are with you and your family.

Get out old family photos and make sure that the people are named in them. This may be your only chance to find out who some of these people are, and that makes a photo that much more meaningful.

My grandmother died a year and a half ago of cancer. She knew she didn't have long so she decided to get all of her grandchildren and grandchildren a build-a-bear animal and dressed it in clothes that she felt fit each child's personality. She got the voice box put in the bear and recorded a special message on it for each child. Even though I am in my 30s she made one for me too. I think that would be something great that she could do. Also, it would be great to take as many pictures as you can. Not just of her but of y'all with her. I took her to her last oncologist appointment and we happened to be both wearing pink that day so I had someone take a picture of us. It was the last picture taken of her before she died. I am so glad we did it. My grandmother's doctor said she only had 6 months to live and she made it almost a year. Just spend as much time with her as you can. Talk about the good 'ol days and soak up as much of her as you can. Also start looking for age appropriate ways of explaining where grandma is after she goes to heaven because it will be really hard for a 2 year old to understand why she's not here anymore. I wish you and your family the best. I am sorry you all are going through this. God bless all of you!!

Some of the best memories I have of my grandmother is spending time with her playing tile rummy and looking at photographs of her when she was young. She would tell me stories of growing up on the farm, etc. I knew where my heritage came from and who my ancestors were. I have pictures of her parents and my grandfather's parents and I have pictures of their parents! Start by asking about her life and the stories will flow. Questions may pop up then and you can decide where to go from there.

C.~

I am so sorry to hear that your family is going through this! It must be very hard!

My Mom passed 3 years ago and a few of the things that I wish I would have ask/done is ask more about her side of the family (mostly so I can fill in information in my children's baby books), written down the recipes for my favorite dishes she cooked, made more video of her, took more photos with her... things like that!

Like you, I knew my Mom was not going to be around much longer ~ due to cancer. I did tell her how I felt about her (I adored my Mom), asked questions about who she would want me to call when she passed, what she wanted in a funeral, does she want to be cremated, etc. Gosh, these are hard things but maybe it will help you with some of your questions.

Ask her what she would like to do. She may just want to *sit and spend time with her family*! My Mom did.

I like the idea of the hand print! Maybe you could write a note from your MIL to your daughter (I am assuming she cannot write???)

My Mom made *boxes* for my brother, my son and I. Inside she put all the things she had saved over the years, photos, cards we had written her ~ this is something that I will cherish forever! Maybe you could help her do this for your husband if it is appropriate.

I know this is HARD for your husband! The *firsts* without your Mom are really challenging. This next year will be hard.

Tonight, I will say a little prayer to give your family strength during this time.

xo
S.

I am sorry to hear about your Mother in Law. I know you will want to preserve her memories. Have you thought about interviewing her- ask her about her life. You can do an audio or video recording. This is a very helpful way for someone to leave their wishes, thoughts and advise. There is a website that has a Family Legacy Kit ($29) that includes hundreds of questions you can choose from and instructioins on the interview process. Here is the website address: www.ProStoryKeepers.com/1137. Look under the volunteer tab. Please feel free to call me with questions. I have used this and know it is worth doing.

K.
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C.,
I am terribly sorry about what you're going through. I know that you've received great advice here. Unfortunately most of us have been through something similar, so all I can say is that let your MIL spend as much time with her grandbabies as she can. My Nana passed away a few years ago, and the best picture I still have in my head is her smiling and holding my son. Honestly I'm pretty sure there's a photograph of this somewhere, but when I think of her I hear her laugh and see her big smile with my little boy. Children bring an enormous amount of joy! Good luck and God Bless! I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

Record her voice. I know its something my husband misses about his mom. You can keep it simple or have her tell a story about her child hood or read a book. You know what will be meaning full. We do have lots of questions that my hubby's father dosent know. Like did he have cruly hair as a baby? Mostly just enjoy the time you have together. God bless.

The only things I can think of at this point:

Make sure to get a generational photo. I have one with my grandmother and my mother and my sister and my daughter - showing 4 generations. My grandmother passed shortly after that. It could be with your husband, daughter, and mil?

Ask her to write down names of relatives and when/where they were born/married for the family tree as far back as she can. That way if you ever want to research family trees you have a good place to start knowing what to look for in birth/marriage certificates, which will give you more names to look up later on.

Maybe she could write a letter to your daughter, sealed for her eyes only at an 18th birthday or something?

No matter what, you are thinking great and will have good memories.

I apologize if I repeat any advice you already received. I know that a tape recoredre will come in handy if she is able to share any of her favorite memories or stories of her kids and grandkids. Also, save some of her dresses or shirts that she wears often. If you know anyone who sews see if they can make a blanket for your daughter out of her grandmother's fabric. when she misses her she can cuddle up with the blanket. My great grandmother was a quilter and she cut up all ehr dresses into squares and to this day I still snuggle that quilt when I am stressed or just need to take a mental trip back in time. I have had that quilt for 17 years now! It is very special. I will be thinking about your family!

Hi, my name is T. and both my parents passed away, my mom just this April and we also lost two grandparents this past year so I feel your pain deeply. I think that taking video of them and taking pictures are a great way to save those memories, Walmart has a kodak machine that lets you put pictures and print them up into a bound book for not too much money. Also sit with her and ask her questions about her life and write down as much of it as you can. Right before Papa passed away (we didn't know he was dying, he was over for the week end and then passed within the week)we sat him and Gamber down and asked them where they met and all those silly things. We got names of their parents and what life was like for them before they were married and asked about their favorite memories. It was a great weekend and we were so glad that we took the time to ask those things, it seems like you will remember them but if you don't write it down memories fade really fast.
Good luck and I pray that you will be able to enjoy your time with her and see that this life is not the end, there is more to life than mortality and families can be together forever. I took so much comfort in my faith during these hard trials of loosing our family members. I will keep you and your family in our family prayers too. God Bless.

Your mother-in-law is a lucky women to have a daughter-in-law like you. One thing I believe would be important to ask is "What would you want your granddaughter to know about you"? Also, "what is the best advice you can give her"? Be sure and write these things down, for don't trust your memory. Be sure and take lots of pictures of her with your daughter, her with her son,one with all 3 of them together and of course, all of you. Is there some item she would like to give personally to your daughter? Be sure and ask why. Good luck and may God bless this special time for you and your whole family.

I think it is important to ask about her favorite recipes and maybe write down interesting things about her childhood and life.Write all of it down. You could record her and your daughter singing favorite songs or reading stories so you would always have that to go back on. When my parents died I loved all of the videos to look at and listen to. You could have her and your daughter color a dish towel or washrag with fabric markers. My daughter has made these for grandparents and they love them and they last a long time. It is a nice reminder of them when they use them while washing the dishes etc.

I think going to her favorite restaurant, or even going to like a park and taking some pictures. Bake cookies with her, have your daughter do the cermaic hand prints with her. You could even do like a make over session with her, and your little girl. Watch movies together, or even go shopping together if she can. Go sit at the park and watch your little girl play. Take her to some places she would like to go, but would not go unless someone goes with her.

Hi
My mil died when my daughter was 2 and i was 6 months along with my first son. I wish i would have asked her more about my husband as a child to have those stories only a mother can tell also nobody asked her about what she wanted after she died so her three sons got the best of the best which is nice but i don't think she would have wanted them spending ten thousand dollars on her funeral and burial so lots of questions about your husband so you can tell your children about there dad as a boy God Bless you in this hard time

Many of us have either walked or even shared similar foot steps. There is no right or wrong way. What your doing right now is the best thing for you and your family..One step at a time. Spending quality time is what matters most. Making your memories with the time you have is the gift that keeps on giving. Everyone that has shared have given such wonderful ideas I have to agree with them all. It isn't easy no matter which way you go. I can tell you from my experience it was easier to get all the formal things organized on paper than in my head so I could spend the rest of the time where it counted. I took a metal container and gathered up all kinds of memories,from pictures, to songs on tapes,flowers that were her favorite,cards and even a pair of earrings that she gave me for my 10th birthday which were my favorite and made a time capsule and buried it after she died. You can actually get proper ones now that are made for just doing that. When I was old enough and had children of my own we went back to the place where it was buried and opened it. Everything was like it was when we first put it in there. That was a wonderful day to share with my family since my husband and my children never did get to meet her. It was really neat. She said when its my turn to be a mom I will have something to share. We opened on mothers day and it has been a gift that keeps on giving because now my family today we added or own memories and when my children are older and have their own children they can take their family on mothers day. God Bless you and your family and may your time be full of wonderful blessings and lots of good memories.

C.,
How lucky you are to know and have the time to say Good-bye and be as prepared as anyone could possibly be in a time like this. We lost my MIL last year to cancer, from Diagnosis to her passing was 3 wks. Not enough time at all. The greif is overwhelming. Just spend as much time as possible with yours and let her talk. We were lucky that we had moved next door to her the previous year, so we got to spend alot of time with her daily for a year. It was a blessing in disguise that my children got to know her so intimately, but they were also the most hurt at her passing than the other grandchildren that only visited once a year. Cherish the time you have and learn as much about her family history as possible. Good luck and God Bless!

HI C.,
I am sorry for your impending loss. Make the time as nice as you can for your MIL. Ask her if there is anything that she would like to do, or people that she would like to see. Talk to her about her youth and her friend and her young days. You can't worry about what you did not ask her or you will not be able to enjoy the time you have. Just make it special. You are going to feel sad what ever happens.
Sorry again. I have lost both of my parents and still have both parents in law.
Bless you for thinking of her.

When you go to visit, take a voice recorder and record the questions and answers. Or maybe give her a small recorder and when she thinks about things she can record them for you and your family. My Dad was not one that talked very much so when I wanted to know anything, it was ask questions and try to remember all those responses. He died in 1969, I wish I had had a recorder back then to have recorded those conversations that we had.

God Bless you and your family.

Marie

C.,

My family and I had been estranged for years and out of complete desperate necessity I came home for some help. It was the first time my father got to see his grandkids, and 2 weeks after coming he suffered multiple major heart attacks. Actually it happened this past Christmas of 2008. In a sudden rush of emotion I realized how much my father really meant to me and immediately got on my knees in prayer. (I am not what you'd call a Christian woman either) That day though as I saw my father hooked up to a million machines and the burn marks left on his chest where they used electricity to bring him back I thanked God that we had the time together to reconcile and for him to get to know his grandchildren, his legacy. My story ends a little happier, my father lived through it and is on his way to an amazing recovery, but even if he hadn't I know God put him back in my life... knowing what was to come. Your MIL is spending her last moments in your life for a reason. You needn’t worry about the things left unsaid as long as you tell her frequently that you love her and provide peace in your strength when approaching the subject of her untimely, but inevitable death. Her 2yr old grand daughter will bring her more joy then you could imagine. Ask her to right a letter to your daughter as something that could be passed on and a way for your MIL to deal with the situation and have some closure. Whatever happens, know that we will all be in that place one day and may not get the chance to say goodbye the way she can now. God Bless you C. for this will be one of life’s biggest struggles no matter how strong you and your family are.

much love, E.

I didn't read all of your responses, but I would like to suggest the journals My Story and Our Story. The My Story journal is full of prompts like "What was your favorite thing about Christmas when you were growing up?" and "What do you remember best about your parents?" The Our Story is for couples, "This is what is was like the day we met" or "What I liked most about him was..." It might help with those questions you are afraid you'll forget to ask.

Also, just be there...don't worry so much about making memories just now. The opportunity happens. When my grandfather passed, my 2 year-old and I visited for several days before the event. (I second the advice about hospice. They are wonderful.) I will always treasure the memory of my daughter and I sitting beside my grandfather's bed, all three of us singing "Old MacDonald" together.

I also always imagined someone in their bed in their room; I was pleased to see my grandfather's bed had been moved into the living room. I would suggest the same - let your MIL visit with everyone who comes to the door. Make her a social part of her own "Going Away Party." We had one of those for my grandfather, and it was more fun than you'd think. We picked up BBQ, invited all of the family and friends (including the minister). But keep it light. It is, after all, a party. And so many people want to visit the patient, but feel awkward. This gives them a social reason to visit. I know my grandfather appreciated seeing everyone, and I think quite a few of them were glad for the opportunity to see him, without one-on-one awkward time.