Mother-in-Law - Muscatine,IA

Updated on June 23, 2010
A.S. asks from Lone Tree, IA
3 answers

I am full of questions lately. A little background: My SIL was married for just over 10 years and found out her husband was having an affair with a coworker. They had a messy divorce (she fought everything every step of the way just because she could) and she ended up with custody, child support and spousal support, the house, the cars (pretty much everything) and he has liberal visitation with the children (2 boys). He is now living with the coworker and the kids love her. SIL tells the oldest child to call the coworker names and says things like dad cheated on mom, dad is bad, etc. Basically all the things a 5 year old has no business knowing. Anyway, to the point. My MIL constantly tells my husband that his sister is being "mean" and needs to "get over it." I have NOT seen SIL being mean. She is fine every time I see her. In my opinion divorce and the end of a 10 year marriage would take quite a bit of time to get over (it has been 2 years since separation and will be once year since the divorce in August) so if it takes SIL greater than 2 years, so be it. In your opinion, would it be appropriate for my husband to tell his mother GENTLY that he no longer wants to hear about how miserable and mean his sister is because he can do nothing about it or should he just let MIL vent to him? It makes him mad when she does because he feels like there is nothing he can do and it isn't his place to tell his sister that she needs to move on if she isn't ready to do so. Also, MIL keeps insinuating that we are heading for divorce (and we so totally are not, couldn't be happier) simply because SIL did and this drives my husband crazy. He tells her we are fine, happy, no divorce in sight but she keeps bringing it up. It is the same thing week in and week out and it makes my husband moody which in turn annoys me because everything is fine until his mom calls. He says he feels like he is now responsible for making his mom happy since SIL is making her angry/sad. What should we do? Should we be the bad guys and tell SIL to buck up move on or tell MIL to drop it or just let it all go and hope it resolves itself soon?

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I think your husband should tell his mom that he will not have further discussions about his sister's attitude or divorce. Will he do that and will she drop it then? Those are the questions.
Venting is O. thing but this seems like obsession.
Your SIL may still be angry and hurt but she has no right poisoning her kid's minds like that. That IS being mean.
If he won't be that direct, what I would do (and have done) is whenever the taboo subject(s) are brought up, say "I have to go--talk to you later. Bye." Click. I would do the same thing when the SIL gets on her rants as well.

6 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

It is up to your husband whether to talk to his mil or sil. You can suggest it, but I would not push it.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Some people, use other people, as their emotional "dumpster."
It is therefore, harmful to the person getting dumped on...because it is stressful and full of problems... because the "Dumper" makes others "responsible" for their needs and wants.

I have a sibling that used to do that to me.
It was MISERABLE... and I know what your Husband feels.
Understand, that no matter what you do... the "Dumper" (ie: your MIL), will NOT.BE.SATISFIED no matter what. So, you cannot "fix" her.....
it is HER issue.

For me, I just point blank told my sibling, I will NOT put up with it anymore. I then, did not answer his phone calls, did not engage in his "problems" or anything. If I was dumped on, I said "that is not my problem." Then hung up. I even told him to go find a Shrink.
Sure the person will get rattled and pissed. So what. I said, "I AM NOT A DOOR-MAT." And then I did not act like one anymore.

MIL should be told to handle her problems herself. To CALL her daughter HERSELF and vent. SHE is the Mom of her daughter. That is HER role.
Not make your Husband responsible for it.
Family or not... you decide if you want to be a "dumpster" for the person or not.

all the best,
Susan

1 mom found this helpful
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