Mother-in-law - Daly City,CA

I had and have similiar issues and MIL's put such strain on marriages. I finally gave my husband the ultimadum when I overheard her talking badly about me when I did not bring my 5 month old baby to her mothers wake and my husband just looked at me and said "well what do you want me to do, I can't do anything about it" That week I was ready to leave. I said I can't be with a man that has no respect or pride for his wife. Well, He called his mother the next day and had her apologize to me. It sucks that it had to come to that but it did.

Sadly, this is anissue more about your husband. He should be on your side. even when he thinks you are wrong, you need to demonstrate a united front and come to soem compromise behind closed doors. eh shoudl defend you above all else.

At a minimum you should probably tell him tha tyou would never make him choose btween the two of you and emphasize you want him to have a good relatinship with his mom and likewise your kids with their grandmother. However, he needs to deal with her and look out for you. No sarcasm implied, but he needs to be the "man of the family." You may be wrong and overreacting 90% of the time, but he needs to work on his marriage and defending Mom is not doing that.

If this is bringing you near the topic of divorce, seek counselling now. You BOTH probably need ot make some changes to manage you family. And trust me, your relationship with his mom will be far worse if you divorce.

Why should he have to choose between you and his mother? That's unfair to even think of such a thing. Just because you do not get along with her doesn't mean he should side with you 100% of the time. You do know that if you don't like her she'll know it even if you think you've gone out of your way to be super nice.

Since you didn't get to choose inlaws (and that's terrible since bad ones always seem to have nice sons that we marry huh?) you are going to have to figure out how to make it work. If she's there when you get home take a minute to say hi and make small talk. Then mention that you have something that has to be done and excuse yourself. Don't make a big deal out of it just be polite.

Okay, well let me be devil's advocate for just a minute...and I'm sure there's more to the story, so this is only based on what you wrote...How often is his mom at your house when you come home? If it's often, well then leaving to do whatever you needed to do isn't a big deal. But, if it isn't often, then I do agree that you probably should have at least stopped, chatted a bit and then excused yourself to do your errands. In fact, you probably should have done that either way, it's just the polite thing to do when there is a guest at your house. Also, do you really expect her to talk to you directly...I mean, yes it's the adult thing to do, but really..would your mom call up your hubby and say...so I don't really like your attitude, can we talk? Probably not. I think you may need to be a little more in-tune to your MIL's feelings and try a little harder with her. If you do, she will probably try a little harder too and I think you should do this for your husband and your child if you don't do it for yourself.

Now, on the flip side...I hear you. Relationships with MILs can be stressful but when you add kids to the mix it ALL changes. I think many women go through things like this to a degree with their in laws and it sucks, but just remember, your husband usually has some issues on your side as well. Have you thought about counseling? I would hate to see a divorce over his mother and of course he doesn't want to have to choose, but sorry...he should be choosing you and his child. Marrying you automatically puts you at the top of the list for pretty much everything. Of course there can be special circumstances and instances, but for the most part, you should be #1 and he should be #1 in your world too. I would talk to him seriously about what his solutions to the issue are and consider counseling. If you love him and want him to be there for you and your son, you should try everything and not let his mom get in the way.

Hello Kate,
Your M-I-L sounds like a replica of my wonderful husband's mom. My husband and I have been married fifteen years, and I am just realizing that
I have to be the one to set the boundaries. I have become physically ill
dealing w/ a calculating, high minded, hypocrite. In retrospect it is really very simple, I should have nipped it in the bud in the beginning, when she invited women that I did not know to be bridemaids in my wedding. Or on our wedding day when she held up the wedding 45 minutes, after I went through painstaking measures to have a punctual wedding (including getting married in a church a few minutes away from her home.) If I had opted to begin the wedding without her, what would my life be like today? So, here is what I do know........
You cannot point out your M-I-L's flaws to your husband. Fill every space of your heart w/ God's love. Bitterness cannot dwell in the same space as God.
Tell your M-I-L that you thank God for her . Thank her for having the son that you fell in love with. Without her you wouldn't not have this new beautiful life
to care for. Acknowledgement goes a long way. You can set boundaries
without being callous. Example: This year I did not wish my M-I-L a Happy Mother's Day. (We don't celebrate it together because she made it clear to me that if I did not have a card w/ at least $500.00 in it, she does not want a thing.) I was not being honory, I was simply missing my mom who passed away a few years ago. I called her two weeks later just to let her know that I wasn't being rude, but I was having a difficult time this year.
Do not go tit for tat with her. It will ruin your marriage and cause undue stress for you and your husband. Your first priority is to create a loving , peaceful environment for your child. I am sure that your husabnd will agree that there is nothing more important. He can help you by by putting you and tha baby first. That means he must be willing to have a united front for the child's sake. My 13 year old now understands that she can't run to grandma when mom says she can't have her way. What a horrible
position my husband and I put her in, by not dealing with the issues early on.
Speak your mind freely w/ her but try diplomacy. Do not let things fester.
I kept everything bottled up for years, and it is just not worth it. Pick and choose your battles. The "look" comment in my opinion is petty, don't give it any energy. Instead, delegate. Ask her to help you w/ things that you never have time to do. Scrapbook for baby, shopping for hard to find items, finding an artist to paint a family portrait etc....
I hope this helps,
Peace & blessings
A.

.

If you were talking about divorce over this, I would strongly suggest that you see a marriage counselor. It might help both of you to have a neutral mediator help you figure out some common ground on the issue AND your husband to reevaluate his loyalties and priorities.
Good luck!

Well, she is high maintenance and is coddled, by her sons.
And her sons, don't mind.
That is their habit.

But your Husband is now a Husband. Not mama's boy.
He has to realize that.

what about YOUR family/Mom/Dad???? Could they come over more, if they live near you? Thereby, de-throning your MIL????

The thing is, you are not doing anything wrong. But MIL has an attitude of entitlement... and feels she HAS TO be treated as Royalty.
AND it is causing problems.
She won't change.
But your Husband can maybe grow up.... HE has to be the one, to come to terms with it.

I would also, make YOUR family/Mom/Dad/Siblings... a focus too. They ALL need to realize... that there are others involved.... that MIL is NOT the only one.

Ultimately, your MIL is toxic and is damaging your own nuclear family and marriage.
And I think... your MIL would be happy, if you get a divorce. Because, she cannot let go, of her sons. Which is pathetic.

Can't you talk to your Dad????? Maybe he can put her in her place.

And yes, your Husband has no back bone... he is a baby. He is NOT being a "Husband".... but still, going by his Mommy's wishes.

I am so sorry.
I don't know of any magic solutions.
Because, ultimately, your HUSBAND has to stop it....
MIL will continue to act that way.

Will your Husband go to Counseling?

all the best,
Susan

Hi I really think u should sit down and talk to him.. and let him know what's going on... I had a mother in law like that ... me personally couldn't deal with. It he didn't care ... so I decided to move out .. with my baby ... if he can't understand you as his wife that it bugs you he really don't care about you he shouldn't be like that .. his mom had him for 18 years time to let go well hopefully this helps

You're going to get a lot of great advice about counseling, standing your ground, talking to him, talking to her. Try that. You can also try killing them with agreement. Suddenly become helpless and clueless and ask your mother in law for all sorts of "duh" advice. Lean on her way too much as a sitter. Plan all sorts of mother daughter bonding stuff with her until you are getting on her nerves. That should get her out of your hair and make her feel respected - that's all they really want is for you to defer to thier wisdom and judgement sometimes. They want to be needed and appreciated, not treated like they are underfoot.
Tell your husband you never realized how fun she was and start sharing embarssing stories about him as a teenager and giggling when he comes in the room. Start dressing like her, doing your hair like her. Using her expressions. That will put an end to him putting her 1st and wanting you two to spend time together. Sometimes we have to subtly remind our husband of the differances between us and that there is a reason they married us - it's not because we are thier momma!

I'm sorry you married a mama's boy. That will be difficult for you. When she complains to him, does he get mad at you?

It sounds like you have no choice but to ignore her comments and try to put up with them. When you see her, be polite and say "hi," but then tell her, "sorry, I can't visit, I have to do some chores." And then go do your chores.

Have you tried telling her maybe to back off a little?

I'm guessing you knew he was a mama's boy when you married him, right? Then why would you be talking about divorce, especially when you have a baby now? Start sticking up for yourself and call her out on her actions.

I am sorry. I think I have the same MIL. Ugh.