Mother-In-Law !!!!

WOW M.. I will start by telling you I know how you are feeling as i've been in the same place. Unfortunately, I learned a very hard lesson that I was being just plain unappreciative. My suggestion to you would be to STOCK UP on Tide Powder and be thankful that someone is helping out with the laundry while you're not home. It sounds like she is just trying to help out in any way she can but you probably know that most people belonging to her generation have their own ideas of what works best. Just go with it, I know it's a difficult pill to swallow. I think if you make peace with it, you'll feel SO much better. As for the onesies, I can't really say that I know how you feel. Both of my boys have worn a onesie and then when they were too big for those, a tshirt EVERY day of their lives. It just always made me feel like they had something keeping them nice and cozy. My boys are now 4 1/2 & 6 and they NEVER go without a white tshirt under their shirts.
I lost my mil on 3/7/07 at 54 yrs of age. I would give my right arm to have her here today to overstep her boundaries!! :-( Life is too short my friend.
Good luck and just know that you are not alone!

oooohhhhh....that is annoying. The detergent thing- that is just a control issue. What does she care? Tell her you don't like that detergent and leave it at that.
The onesie thing, well, I guess people try to do what they think is best for the child they are caring for. I always thought my boy was warm enough, too, but if someone babysat him they would put a onesie on him. No big deal, I would just take it off.

M.,
I never respond to these. However, I found yours very interesting. Yes, it is annoying. I too have a mother-in-law from Russia. It is usually her way or the highway and when she comes over she has many opinions. However, she makes my life easier. She is always there if I need a sitter, she will do my laundry, clean the fridge, and fold the clothes so they look like they are just ironed. She also makes delicious soups and pancakes for the kids with her own recipe and my daughter and sons love to help. Things she does may drive me a bit crazy. Undermining comments of how they watch too much tv or play too many videogames. How dirty my house looks or how much laundry we produce. However, It is the price we pay for family help. Let me put it another way. Compare the price of daycare to the price of grandmother time with your child. My cleaning person still refuses to come to my home when my mother-in-law is here. When my children stay over grandmothers she puts on tights under Jeans and undershirts under shirts. Dont worry. Wait till they turn 9 and they start arguing with grandmother themself. You will have another problem on your hand. On the other hand, she just took my 9 year old to Venice for a 10 day vacation. Cant beat the experience that my son just had with his grandparents. I will take the criticism anyday. Of course we do argue, but I try not to sweat the small stuff. Let it go. Next year, I have to argue with her about how she will not bring my middle son to Israel where they will be 20 minutes away from the West Bank and the bombing. Believe me, I WILL WIN THAT ARGUMENT.

Be thankful that you have an M-I-L who cares. My husband's mother (who emotionally abused him as a child & openly favored his 2 sisters) barely acknowledged our 2 children. My husband and I tried & waited & prayed for 17 years before we became parents. My oldest daughter is 5 and received her FIRST present from my M-I-L this past November! My 2nd daughter's first birthday passed without even a card or e-mail note (although we received an e-mail from her concerning one of her daughter's daughter's school dance). My 2nd daughter turns 3 in 2 weeks and we're waiting to see if my M-I-L does anything.

The sad thing is, my M-I-L has 6 grandchildren: 5 granddaughters and one grandson, and we're seeing her repeat the same treatment towards him as she did towards my husband.

Thankfully, we live in NH and she lives in SC, so we don't have a lot of interaction.

M., my MIL never babysat for any one of my three children. She certainly never did laundry for me and never cleaned my house. I am sure she probably criticized me because my house wasn't perfect. I think she suffered from OCD.

Be thankful that your MIL is trying to help you in any way she can. Does it really matter what laundry detergent she uses or if your son ends up with a t-shirt on every day. She is saving you a lot of money in childcare, and she is spending valuable time with your little baby.

If it bothers you that much, you could bring your son to her home (leaving the onesies at home) but that creates a lot more work for you and definitely takes more time and planning.

You are the mom, and you make all the really important decisions. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Hi M.!!

I just wanna say first, I use ALL free and clear for all of our clothes per my son's dermatologist. Why bother buying two separate detergents?

As for your mother in law and the examples you described. I personally think the onesie isnt too big of a deal, but I am particular with my kids and that would highly annoy me that she put one on him.

As for her asking DH to go buy Tide........ I think you need to stand your ground and firmly tell her you use one detergent and you wont use the Tide. It is his mother and I think he should have the involvement of how to handle the things she does. I think the more you let her do things, and let stuff like that slide, the worse it is gonna get.

Perhaps if it is difficult to handle, I would just tell her not to do anything but care for the baby and leave it at that.

I wish you luck hun, I know my inlaws can drive me crazy.
Talk soon ~ K.

I know how you feel. I to have had issues with in laws? It seems to me that this is a power issue between the two of you. I am guessing that it may be the "other examples" that may really be bothering you. At least that is what happened to me. I am willing to bet that she does not stop this controlling behavior with just your son. If I am wrong I appologise.

I guess my advise would be try to work on the other issues so that you can allow the little ones to go. If this is not possible, perhaps she could watch the baby at her own home? Or maybe send the child to her less and tell her thanks but no thanks on the laundry?

I hope this helps.

L.

As a first time mom, it would have drove me crazy, but the older I have gotten, the less those things bother me. Pick your battles carefully. You did say that she loves him to pieces, so let her do things that have nothing to do with character development or discipline issues, she is doing it to help and not in some form of vindictive manner! Those other important issues may come later, so let the small things go.

I liken it to getting hired to a job. One brings in their way of doing things and puts their own twist to the job, not a bad thing, just different. We have employees in our business and we deal with "differences" all the time and it is sometimes hard to let certain things be, but we have to understand that each person does their own thing within a job description.

Just like your mother in law is doing. Not bad, just different!

Dear M.--
Let it go. Try not to take your MIL's actions personally (even if they're meant that way). If you have confidence in her love and generally great care of your son, then focus on those important and difficult to find traits and let the rest go. On the laundry issue, if it really bothers you (& I understand--we're very eco and chemical sensitive in our household too), ask her to please not do the laundry. In terms of your sons clothing--have confidence that you're right, but that in the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter. Yes, she may be controlling or trying to show you what a better 'mom' she was/is. Be bigger than that. I would say, pick your battles. Particularly if she's providing free child care. Is she putting coke in his bottle or sitting him in front of the TV for hours? Does she advocate for discipline methods you don't agree with? Confront her on the big stuff, let the rest go & let her know how much you appreciate her. Good luck.

Grow up, M. T. If you accept your mil's generous offer to love your child unconditionally, she can dress, feed, and clean his clothes however she chooses. Then, when you are there, you can do it YOUR way.
There is no right way to do these loving things and no one else will do them with the love that your mil has for her son's child. If you love her son, you must love her unconditionally for he is hers and she is his. Teach your baby how to love, woman! Drop the pettiness and the need to be right (even if your mil has these traits herself).

maybe you should send your son to your mil's house instead of letting her come to your house. just a thought. you don't want to come home from work and have your cabinets re-arranged.

HI,

I have the same problem with my MIL but she lives a long way away so we don't have to deal with it too often. She also insists on changing the baby but does it for fashion reasons as well as warmth! For this one, I would let it go. It's not worth the bad blood in the family and if it doesn't hurt the baby then its not worth it. I have to suck it up and then complain about it later to someone else! As for the washing powder issue. I would put my foot down on this especially if its your machine. The liquid stays in the parts of the machin after washing so its impossible to keep the integrity of the Free and Clear one when using another one in the same machine. The free and clear is better for your skin and clothes too and since the baby probably snuggles into your clothes, rests on your blankets etc, it makes no sense to use a different liquid. It is also better for the environment to use that sort of liquid and the more people who do, the better. I would stand firm on this one. If she really has to use her POWERTIDE then she might have to stop doing the laundry. IS there something else she could do? Does she do the laundry because she's bored when the baby is napping? Perhaps she could cook a meal or do something in the yard? Good luck. Remember it is the people who are important, not the relationships between them.

C.

M.,
I too am a working mom, my mom watches my daughter every day (M-F)and my husband is complaining about a lot of things she does. I tell you what I always tell him, you have to pick and choose your battles. If doing the laundry with her choice of detergent or putting a onesie on the little one makes her happy then it really is a small price to pay considering she watches the little one 3 days a week. My husband and I fight over the same type of issues you are describing and seriously it's not worth it. It only makes me resent him. If I can actually convince him of that then it would make my life a lot easier. He complains over her doing the dishes, they are not clean enough or she loads the dishwasher the wrong way, I could go on and on... It gets old real fast and it just makes you sound unappreciative. So take my advice let her do her thing, and be happy that Evan is spending 3 days a week with someone that really loves and cares for him.
Good Luck!
A.

M., as hard as it is I advise you to let it go. You cannot change her and all it will do is add more stress to your life, and being an accountant, you don't need any more stress this time of year. If she knows it bothers you she will continue to do it and then some. If she is your only option for child care on those days and she takes good care of Evan ( I have an Evan also)this is something you will have to endure. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Good Luck.

I have had similar issues with my own MIL....What I recognized is how grateful I should be rather than have an upset about every little thing. I am grateful that she cares so muich abouit her grandson, that she wants to show him off every chance she gets that she wants what she thinks is BEST for him.......That was my stuff...You have to pick your battles...Since she is caring for your child I would just let it all go. Try to put yourself in her shoes she may be trying to make up for something she feels she didn't do right w./her own kids...the list is endless but try to see only the love she has for your son...That made it alot easier for me.

I would love to read the responses you get. I have been with my husband since we were teenagers and married 15 years. I am sure we could swap mother-in-law stories for a year. My mother-in-law has been ignoring me since the day we met. When my children were born she would completely ignore me regarding things like giving hard candy to a 1-year-old even though it is a choking hazzard. When I spoke to her I got "I raised 3 boys and I know what I am doing" as a response. This Christmas she told me that she almost bought my son a cell phone as a gift (I have specifically told my children and the rest of the family that they will get a cell phone when I feel that they need one and can be responsible for it). Things are definitely better now than they were when my children were toddlers, but it's a constant uphill battle. The only advice I can give you is not to let her drive you insane.....she wins that way. I keep telling myself that I will not do this to my children's wives when they get married. My mother-in-law puts Marie to shame in the show Everyone Loves Raymond.

I think you need to think of the phrase 'pick your battles' you are a new mom who is back to work..you may feel your MIL is stepping on your toes and doing things 'her way' BUT even your other day care providers may do the same thing..but since she is your MIL it bugs the heck out of you!

Give yourself and your MIL a break, calm down and make a list of all of the things he does that are wonderful and all of the things she does that bug you..

She is helping you out and giving your son Love that only a Grandma can give..

Also, really take a deep breath and realizer you are completely hormal, may have many, many worries aoubt not being there full time and stressed with your new life as a mommy and being at work.

You have a lot on your plate, but you have a wonderful new baby and family that want to help. It is OK ot be stressed, worried, over concerned with things..your life wil never be the same because of a new little man in your life.

After you do the list..see what balances and maybe have a family meeting with daddy and grandma and say things in a HUGE POSITIVE way, you do not want her attacked over laundry detergent when she is the one feeding and changing and loving your son the best way she knows how.

Look at yor feelings, see what your are saying..take things witha grain of salt..she is not rearranging your house, changing his complete outfits..

Hang in there..

Hi M., I think you should let it go in my opinion. Like you said, she watches the baby m-w probably for free!? does laundry and cleaning as well! Be happy that she's caring for your little one and bonus that she's helping with cleaning around the house. Does she buy the products too? if so, total bonus! I would just buy what i like and say this is what i use, it's a great product and if she has other things she likes better.... feel free to buy them and tell your husband to say, no can't grab the product use what we got, ya know! Otherwise let it go and let her do her thing. The granparents get super excited and want to do all things there way a lot of time. Good Luck!!

Hi
I do agree with MIL. babies that small can't regulate their body temperature. So he needs a onsie to keep drafts off his belly. They also help to keep his diaper in close contact with his body so he won't get chapped from the diaper shifting around and being uncomfortable.
hope this helps I am a mom of three kids 12, 10 and 7 and I used onsies on them untill they were potty trained.

M., I feel for you. I also have one child, work and have a very involved mother-in-law who loves my 2 year old like her own. Here is what I learned about these little knits that drive us mothers crazy - it's really our issue. Establishing boundaries with our MILs on the things that matter is where we should focus. As working moms we want to be 100% in control, but we have to realize that in order to get help, we also need to be a bit more flexible. None of the issues you raised sounded harmful to me in any way. Your MIL asked if she could help and she respected that your detergent must be used for the baby's clothes at a minimum. That tells me that you can work with her. You are still in the early stages of this new phase of your relationship with her. Be patient and rational, and communicate. It will all work out and you'll get into a mutally agreed upon groove in no time.

Honey, I sure do hear you and completely understand what you are saying...here is my advice. First you need to pick your battles...choose one or two things that are really pushing your buttons; resolving them will help you feel better. But the true resolution here will come in communication. Your M.I.L. wants to feel like she's important and taking part in her grandson's upraising. Even if she is not, you can make her feel like she is. Give her some of your time, and your ear. Let her know her opinion is important. I'm 40 years old and the mother of 4, and I truly still do learn some things from the older generation. After that, make your own decisions as is your right as Mom, and don't be afraid to gently say that although you considered her advice, you have chosen to do something different - this time. But that you will keep her ideas in mind for future reference. Good luck love!

Hi M.,
I think everyone's responses are pretty on target and I don't have much different advice. I sometimes go crazy when my MIL folds our laundry because she found it in the dryer. But I grit my teeth and say thank you because I know she's just trying to help out. As far as the detergent goes, I would explain that is the detergent you use and while you appreciate her opinions in laundry detergent you are happy with your purchases. Sounds like she might be trying to flex some control over your household and that's something to nip in the bud, albeit in a kind way. The example of the onesie, while it might drive you crazy, might be one battle to choose not to fight for now. I like to be in control of my child but have learned when my MIL is watching him, I do need to let go of some of the smaller things. As long as your MIL understands the more major decisions lay in yours and your husbands control, I think you'll be all set. It's all a learning experience and you will all feel your way until you come to a common ground. Just takes time. Good luck!

D.

Pick and choose your battles very carefully. Remember that this woman raised your hubby and he turned out okay right? These are very petty things, and although aggravating to you, they are not worth jeopordizing your relationship with her. If the laundry soap bothers, you so much, tell her its aggravating your skin and you would like to go back to yours, as for the babies clothes, leave it alone, its not worth it. I don't speak to my MIL, she is a VERY difficult personality, but because of what happened between us ( a brutal dumb argument which she started), she doesnt speak to my hubby OR our kids either, and her hubby and her other kids are not allowed to as well, and if they do, they have to deal with her wrath, which is not easy to live with. Its very sad, and not a situation you will want to live with. Good luck

M., my MIL also watches my son who is 18 mos old now. I had similar issues as you did early on but I laid the ground work early. It's super important that although your husband doesn't think it's a big deal, it is to you and he needs to support you. If she won't follow your rules, don't have her do the chores, it may be hard to give that up but things should be on your terms. My MIL went as far as to disrespect my religion and values that are different than my husbands growing up. Remember this is YOUR child and you are his mother. J

Hey M., this is response #1000! so I'll keep it short, I think you're lacking open communication with your MIL and the more you keep it in the more likely you are to explode one day when you reach your "last straw". Examine your feelings within yourself and figure out what is really bothering you and whether it is reasonable and worth it to risk alienating your MIL. Whether you do bring up some of these things or not work on your communication with your MIL and try to understand where she is coming from, she seems to just want to help. PS. I always put a onesie on my little one too, some clothes have rough seams and scratchy decorations on the inside...don't they feel the inside of those "cute" little outfits when they make them??? L. M.

I can completely relate. I think the root is probably, and it was for me, you are a new Mom and even the littlest decisions are yours to make since YOU are his mother not your MIL. I too agree that you have to pick your battles and your frustrations will probably fade as your son grows. I know for me I look back at the things that really infuriated me when my daughter was a newborn and my MIl had her way of doing things and I can now laugh. It is not stupid to be irritated by the laundry detergent or the onsie, I have so been there! Finding your groove as a new Mom is a complicated and emotional process, and there is always that guilt/worry/upset at not being there all the time. You have to acquiesce to your MIL on some things, but you also have to clearly define that you have the final say. I really struggled with that when my daughter was an infant, and in the long run my pitching fits over "little" things helped me define my authority and reassured me that I was the one making the choices. Its the bigger picture that is important. So I do think you have to work on letting stuff slide with your MIL, but also find the place where you can stand your ground. Now 2 years later these situations rarely happen for us anymore, and really it was a natural compromise. I silently roll m y eyes at some of the stuff my MIL does, but she also now knows not to cross the line with the big and important decisions. I also think that new grandmothers are as a complicated deal as new Moms are. She probably is so excited to have the chance to do all these things for your son that she is gettign carried away. That and the generation gap. Its the cliche about our mothers and MILs always over dressing our kids. She is reliving her days of caring for your husband when he was an infant, and she is going to do things they way she did back then.
Good luck with this, and really do know that it will get easier to deal with.

I think you are overreacting and should let it go.

A caring, lowing woman is taking care of your son and helping you around the house.

The child is loved, safe, and now, extra warm. :)

Your clothes will be clean. And really, it makes no difference what detergent you use (I used Tide Powder on all my baby's clothes) as long as they end up clean.

You need to really get over yourself.

There are women in the world with NIGHTMARE mothers-in-law. Women who will literally try to break up marriages and turn kids against their mothers.

Let's try to see the big picture here, OK??

Sorry to be harsh. I know it's hard to give up power of your newborn, but she really does seem like a person with a good heart who is doing all she can for your family.

M.,
My own mom did the same kinds of things. Being a new mom is really difficult. Not only do you want to to the very best you can, but now you are back to work and if you are anything like me, feeling a little bit sad and guilty. (don't get me wrong.. i love my job and career) I just wish I could duplicate myself. One for home and one for work. Both examples you brought up are about her in a way questioning your parenting. Two things I would say about this...Trust yourself that you are a fantastic mom. Secondly, don't be afraid to learn from your MIL. It was hard for me when my mom would question that I didn't have a heavy enough sweater or a hat on my little girl. At first I was angry, but then I realized I don't know everything, and babies do get colder than adults. It doesn't mean she thinks you do a bad job or that you are a bad mom. It is just her way of being protective of a baby she clearly loves very much. And just like us she won't be perfect either. That is the best part. It does take a village to raise a child. Nobody has to have all the answers. Just be honest with her... tell her how you feel, just make sure you understand why you feel the way you do. I don't know you at all, but I just remember how I felt back in those early weeks as a mom. I wanted so badly to be a perfect mom, and it drove me crazy when my mom would question any of my choices. Just be honest with her on how you feel. As long as what you have to say to her is coming from a good place within yourself, you will be fine.
Congratulations on your new son. -L.

pick your battles.. little things may drive you nuts, but she's helping you out more than you know.. I have no one to watch my kids so those things are kind of small compared to the fact that she's saving you a ton in day care costs.. try to sit with her and explain your feelings, but be aware, not every grandparent can or would be there for you.. good luck

M.,
Even though you have had about 20K responses, I need to get my two cents in also! I have one of those mother in law(s) only she didn't offer to do helpful things like housework or laundry, or even care for my son! If you read at least one of my previous posts, it will assure you that you are not alone in the mother in law buttinski feeling.

That being said, your son is only 11 weeks old and you have a long, long time before you will get a break from the old school ways. I have just recently agreed to let my mother in law watch my 3.5 y/o on Mondays for a couple of hours so that I can learn a new (accounting) program at work. Even though I have assured her that I would rather have a happy son and messy house when I get home, my home is pretty spotless, my son has been bathed (in the kitchen sink@@!!!!!!!!), fed, dressed (with an undershirt - I didn't even know he had undershirts... oh, wait, she bought them and brought them up), and will always be watching TV. I walk in the door, say thank you, walk her downstairs (yea, she lives in my house in an inlaw) and take back over the raising of my son.

I have finally accepted her help, she does things completely different from me but I have given up trying to change her ways, I have adjusted my way of thinking and truth be told, she raised her son whom I married so at least I know that she is loving my son like her own.

Good luck, I know it is difficult - If you ever need that 'vent' person, I have two ears/eyes/fingers to type a response! There really should be a support group, dontcha think?
M.

Perhaps you could stay home a few days a week and enjoy being with Evan. Best of luck.

M.,
My husband and I have had many boundary issues with both our parents but definitely much much more with his mother (we live closer to her and she is more controlling). When it comes to dealing with boundary issues a good discussion can clear up a lot of difficulty. Make sure your husband is willing to back you up before you battle it out though. If you don't have his support things will only get worse instead of better.

If this is the first grand child then the MIL is adjusting to the idea that SHE is not the one in charge anymore, and that adjustment could be even harder for her when she is caring for your sweet little boy. The mental change from Mother to Grandmother is often a difficult one for women to go through, add to it all the emotions of being a new mother in you and things are naturally tense/awkward in the beginning. Things should get better though.

With stuff such as my MIL redressing my children (extra coats, buys hats b/c mine are not warm enough in her opinion), I get incredibly annoyed but I save my energy for bigger battles... such as when we told her NOT to take our daughter (not yet 1 at the time) for Acupuncture and she did anyway or when she hooked our older daughter into the carseat incorrectly because she was sure we had to be wrong in how the car seat should be hooked into the car and how straps should be fastened (I'm so thankful my daughter did not choke and that there was not an accident... it was so badly jiggered that one strap was literally around my daughter's neck b/c my MIL thought it would hold her in better!).

My husband and I sat down and wrote a list of what annoyed us and why. Most of it came down to a power struggle and his mom communicating to us that we were inadequate in our care of our children. Considering that new parents already feel like they don't know what they are doing the criticism was very straining on us. With list in hand we arranged a meeting with his mother and explained to her that it is very important to us that she be involved in the children's lives but that if she did not listen to our instructions then we would not be able to trust her with our children. We explained that certain things annoyed us but didn't do any harm to our children whereas other things she did directly harmed one or both of our daughters. We explained that she needed to be respectful of our position as the girl's parents and what we decide is best for them. We explained that she had done a good job raising my husband (even though sometimes we questions how he survived! we did not tell her that) and that the role of grandparent is different than parent. The meeting was mostly a clarifying of roles. (A grandparent does this and a parent does that).

For us the issues got worst when I was hospitalized last year when our daughter was 1 1/2, but now I am able to stand my ground and remind her that her gestures are well intentioned but that certain ones are not welcome. At one point we had to threaten that she would not see the children for a while if a certain behavior continued, and for the past year she has only seen our children with supervision. Now that she is respectful of our position and we know our children are safe with her, she can have unsupervised visits again.

It was painful for us to need to put restrictions on her visitation with our children but we had to do it for their safety. Though it was difficult to go through, we have somehow gained my MIL's respect and she realizes that we do want what is best for our children.

I would suggest discussing the situation with your husband. Figure out what boundaries you'd like in place, what things are really important or what things are petty and can be overlooked. For us we determined that even though we are greatly annoyed with the extra clothing when we take the kids to the car, that they are not physically harmed by that action because I can take the extra unneeded items off the kids in the car (so they don't overheat!). So, I ignore the extra clothing issues but I get very aggressive over anything that can harm my children or that questions my husband and I's authority over our children.

It is ALWAYS hard to work these issues out, but take into consideration what is most important so you don't get irritated with her over every little thing.

Learning to get along with an MIL is a delicate and often time consuming process.

I hope it gets worked out easily :)

I feel for you b/c the little things like that can add up and be so frustrating, and it's no doubt compounded by having to return to work in the first place. But for myself I let the little things go and kept being SO thankful for a family member taking care of my son. There are GREAT day care providers, but many unknowns out there too. You have to sometimes stop & be grateful that it's someone that truly loves your son that's taking care of him, and is not going to let anything happen to your little guy.

Hi M.,
I'm sure what your mother-in-law is frustrating to you, but I really don't think it's all that bad. She is taking care of your son and doing chores around the house! Instead of complaining, but thankful that your son is in good hands are your laundry is getting done. As far as the onsie situation goes, I personally always put one under every outfit when my kids (now ages 5 & 3) were babies. In fact they each wear an undershirt every day in the winter. Your MIL loves your son and just wants to take care of him (I honestly don't believe that she is doing anything for spite). You just need to bite your tongue and pick your battles! Appreciate that you don't have to send him to day care 5 days a week.

Mother in laws, oh, how I could go on and can totally relate.

Unfortunately, the boundaries are already blurred in your situation. I guess, my first question is, "are you paying her to watch your baby or are you enjoying free day care?" That will tend to influence which way you go on this. If you are getting the child care for free, then buy the Tide and enjoy the savings, OR ask her to just do the baby's laundry. That would be a help, regardless.. If you are paying her, then either have your husband say no thank you, or let her buy it herself. Whatever you and your husband decide TOGETHER, you must both stick to it.

As for the onesie thing, just let it go. There are/will be much more important battles to fight.

C., Mother of 3 with "one of those" mother in laws

Is there any way to bring your son to your MIl's house instead of having her in your home? That way, she doesn't have unlimited access to your house or "unspoken permission" to rearrange things. If that's not possible, then you and your husband need to sit down with her together and let her know what the boundaries are. Clearly spell them out, kindly, and if you can't do that, then you can expect her to continue infringing the way she is now. She won't know what's off limits until you tell her. I know from experience, trust me.

Dear M.,

I know exactly how you feel. In my case it was everyone that was getting on my nerves the first weeks of my son's life. I later realized that I could blame a lot of it on the lack of sleep and the roller coaster hormones. I read your request and while making breakfast I was thinking a lot about it. Here are some suggestions:

1) Pick your battles.
Make some choices about what you can let go. Maybe an extra layer of clothing three days a week while your son is at grandma's is ok? You need to let go of some control or you are going to go insane. Best case scenario your MIL is just trying to do what she thinks is best. Worst case scenario, she is quite stubborn and either way it will be hard to make her change. I think that as long as your child is healthy, safe and loved, all the other things are little issues which can become huge if you are not getting enough sleep.

2) Present a united front.
Talk to your husband and ask him to back you up on the things that are non-negotiable. If your MIL was calling you to ask what grade gasoline to put in the car and you said ok to a different grade than what your husband uses, he'd probably have a fit.
So maybe your husband, when asked about decisions concerning household chores, childcare, and other predetermined areas, your husband could tell his mom: "Please ask M., that's her area and I go by what she decides." Or even better, if you know the question is coming ahead of time: "This is what M. and I decided"
So if the detergent issue is non-negotiable and she doesn't budge then tell her that she doesn't need to do the laundry anymore because you prefer to do it yourself. I would add a little self criticism to that statement like "I am just so picky about how I fold/separate/etc..." to soften the blow.

3) Two Queen Bees.
I did notice that your MIL called your husband about the detergent and not you... If MIL criticizes your choice, your husband can say: "Mom, please let us do things our way. I am sure we'll come to you if we can't figure something out or if we make a mistake..." After all, she was queen bee of her household for a long time and is used to it. Now you need to be queen bee of your household. In my opinion, things will be easier if she can still have control in her household, for example by letting her use the extra onesie when your son is at her home...

4) Say thank you.
Yes, thank her for the things she does well and say it often. That way when you do need to criticize something, she won't feel that all she hears from you is criticism. This should make her more receptive to your requests.

5) Vent, vent, vent.
Vent to someone other than your husband whenever possible. The best is to vent with a friend (never a relative) who has been in your shoes (like the moms at mamasource - though face to face is more effective). Mom's groups are also a great place to vent.
That should help you figure out what is bugging you and how to phrase it when you need to talk to your husband or your MIL.

6) Think long term...
How much are you willing to sacrifice now in order to still have help a year or two down the line. Is it worth it or is it better for everyone to invest on someone to clean your house for you and let Grandma focus on childcare?

I hope this helps,
A.

Oh I go through the same thing now and nope I don't think your overreacting at all. Instead of going through this with my mother in law I go through it with my mom. I put my foot though and I must warn you it got ugly but it's your kid not hers~

I do not live close to my MIL, but she is a similar type. I have decided that in my case her intentions are all good. She will not change and the more I can relax and let go the better it is for family harmony and my kids' mental health (and my own). Your post does not go into your whole history together and what other power struggles are going on, but all in all if things are basically ok, it looks like the considerable help she is giving you simply comes with some strings attached. If you really need her to butt out you might have to find other child care because it might be too hard for her to stop if you ask her in to the extent that you have.

Hi M.,

I know it can be infuriating to feel that your mother in law is trying to control you. Really a little perspective may help. Your mother in law probably does think she is being helpful and obviously loves feeling needed even if she's a little overzealous. You probably are feeling a little jealous that you are not home every day with your son. That's normal, even if you love your job, there is always that pull to be at home. There are always bigger issues at play in these situations than simply concern over the detergent being harsh or your son being over heated by and extra layer of clothes. You carried this baby for nine months and had him all to yourself and now you have to share him with others, it is normal that you would feel resentful. Really examine your feelings and maybe even share them with your mother in law. You might be surprised, she's a mom she'll probably understand your feelings she had a mother in law once too. It sounds like she's is an invaluable resource for your family, she just needs to lighten up a little. This is an adjustment period and you really don't want to alienate her. Prepare yourself well, get a check on your emotions and sit down and talk with her then pick your battles carefully. Your son is lucky to be home with a loving, doting grandmother forming strong bonds rather than in an institutional childcare center during his infancy. Grandparents are priceless members of a family but however intense she can be she will never replace you in your son's eyes so don't compete. It will only leave you frustrated and bitter.

Best Wishes!
J. L.

Hey M.,
I am saying this as a veteran mom. I have 3 kids and my oldest is now almost 23! I was her age when I had her! Please don't take offense when I say that these really are little battles. I don't know if there are other underlying problems with your MIL, but these irritations could be a symptom of bigger issues. I remember when my MIL took my youngest a couple of days a week. I'd pack a bag with several outfits and sure enough, when I got there, he was mismatched even down to the socks. At first, I was annoyed too. But after a while, I realized that all I had to do was change him when I got home. Perhaps you are afraid that she will make the boundaries as he gets older more undefined...about bigger issues like discipline. It sounds as though you have to have a talk with her keeping in mind that she is probably having the time of her life bonding with her grandbaby. Maybe if you just sit and have a cup of coffee together and tell her that there are certain things you want her input on and others, you'd like to decide on with your husband. Laundry detergent is just laundry detergent. If you don't like the smell or the way your clothes come out, it's ok to say, "Oh thanks so much for thinking of us in that way, but I really prefer Brand X." There's got to be a way to rectify this before the laundry and the one-sies turn into major battles that will divide your family.

I do remember my husband feeling resentment toward my mom, but not about the kids. It was about our new apartment when we first got married. She continually bought things for our home that SHE thought would look nice. My husband looked at this as a way of controlling our newlywed lives and our home when my mother really was just having a good time "helping" us. He felt that she was saying "you can't afford to provide my daughter with what I think she should have." Nothing could have been farther from the truth and finally, he realized that it was no big deal.

Being a new mom is such a joy and maybe you're feeling like you're not in complete control...I understand that feeling. But try to step back and decide what's truly important and make sure you talk to each other before the boundary you want turns into a chasm you can't cross.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!
K.