Mother at Wits Ends!

I am not a single parent, but I completely understand where you are coming from...there are some days where my DD 4(dear daughter) is so far up my butt neither one of us can see day light. I get so frazzled and my attitude isn't the most pleasant to be around. But I guess we all just have to take it one day at a time and hope for the best. When I feel like I cannot take it anymore I try to find someone who can take her for a night or a few hours so I can just catch my breath and regain my sanity.

I feel like you with the closeness issue. I have two sons 9 and 11 and I swear whenever I try to get some "me" time in here and there they always want the little time I have to themselves. I see other mothers who spoil there kids with affection, I am the complete opposite. I work full time and dont like to have my kids sitting under me at all time. My husband has to force me to try and do things with them, I feel bad and I know they are aware I love them but show it in a different way. I have wondered if I need to see a professional about this. Growing up my dad wasn't compassionate and maybe that is the why I can't show them love and attention they need. I knew my dad loved me and would do anything for me. He never hugged or kissed us. I barely remember him saying I love you, but he I knew he did. Don't beat yourself up over this just try to give him a little time here and there to let him have your attention. It will get better with time.

Hi A.!
You have some great responses here already! I guess all I want to add is that we all go through this. Don't think for one minute that you are a bad mom. We ALL need "me" time, or just time to be able to get things done around the house without having a kid attached to your leg or hip! I have four kids...two teens and a 3 and 1 yr old (married, but he works 15 hrs a day). I'm a little obsessive of having a clean house. So I try to balance it out by not paying any attention to the house and giving my little ones one-on-one (or one-on-two!) time for a little, then housework, then kid time, then housework. When it's time for housework, I pop in their favorite video, or bring down their favorite toys/books. It lasts for a little while, but then when the video is over, it's mommy time again. With me being a SAHM, that seems to work. When my 1 yo is napping, I set up my 3 yo with coloring books and markers or paint while I get things done. She actually looks forward to it! Hope I've helped you! Good luck! AMH :)

If it is just the two of you - he misses you when you're apart and wants to be with you when you get home. Little kids are like that. I am not a single parent - but I understand the issue of the child wanting to be on top of you all day - it comes and goes - soon enough he'll want to be off on his own and you will miss this time. Something that has helped us is planning play dates with some of the other families we meet at day care on the weekends - or story hours at the public library/going to the playgound - little outings that keep the kids occupied - and tire them out for naptime - and gets us some opportunity to talk to other adults on a weekend. Another strategy is to see if he can help you with little chores (sorting laundry, cleaning up toys, preparinmg dinner/putting away groceries)
Good luck-

Hello A.,
I am also a single mom and when I had my son I was in college full time. My son as also in daycare. My son is famous for his smothering tendancies as he always had to be in my lap. I also felt very frustrated at times after having a hard day at class and coming home to a demanding toddler. There were days when I just wished he would go play by himself. I love my son more than anything you could pass my way, don't get me wrong. However, in general I loved that cuddly side of him. It made me feel like the difficulties of being a single mom were worth it.

I suffered from major post partum depression (thanks for the most part by his father). The thing with my son was that after a day of being with other people, he just wanted to be with mommy. I am all he has. After a while I realized that if I just spent a few minutes playing with him every day after we got home he would be content for awhile and let me do my own thing. If he insists on sitting in your lap then take the opportunity to read a few books with him or count his fingers.

Another thing I did, and still do, is let him help me cook dinner. Obviously he isn't allowed near the stove but I'd take the pan to the counter and let him dump the ingredients in from there. Its a great way to spend time with him without him smothering you in your lap. After all, who has a lap when they stand?

Something else that has also worked like a charm is that we established a ritual every night where we would sit down together and watch a 30 minute video before bed. That was strictly time for the two of us. Knowing that he would get this 30 minutes of "mommy-only" time not only made it easier for me when I was too busy earlier with dinner or dishes to play, but it also helped him to go to bed knowing that his mommy loved him and would take the time out for him. Chances are he may want to sit in your lap. Try seeing if he will sit next to you and snuggle into your side, you may have to try that a few times. Another thing to try is to lay down with him on the couch during the video. With him laying in front of you he can't really attach himself in a way that may upset you.

Try to enjoy this cuddliness while you can though, if you need to talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, it is never a bad thing to do this nor does it make you a bad mom. It makes you a good mom because you are trying to do what is best for you and your baby. Believe me, the cuddles will become few and far between before long. My son will be 4 next month and rarely sits in my lap. A year ago you would have seen an entirely different picture.

I think we all experience this at some point. Maybe he is upset because you are gone alot during the week? I know you have to do what is best for you (going to school) and I am not critizing that at all. I feel this way sometimes with my daughter too but I think kids this age just want to be near there mommies. Does he like to be outside? I know it is getting cold but he maybe needs to let go of some energy. Maybe if he has some other kids to play with, friends, he won't need you so much. I know this may not help much but keep trying! Good luck!

T. :)

A., i don't have any problems showing my girls affection and ksises and hugs, but, i do like you and seems like other moms, have problems when they fight over who will mom pick up. i have twins, girls, and they do not get along with one another only because they spend the time fighting each other off me. and that gets exhausting. my husband used to tell me well hold one and then hold the other one or he would say hold both of them on your lap. yeah, i tried and then they would hit one anotehr while on my lap. so then i realized i needed more structure in their routine. like hug time, for 10 minutes, we lie down on the floor and hug or just talk (ok i talk), then i say ok colortime and they get on their feet grab their coloring books and we all color. i know, easier said than done, this works maybe 4 out of 10 times but i have to do it.
also, i have noticed when i tell them no no holding now, it's storytime, that gets them even more pushy and they start whinning about wanting to be held, so maybe avoid telling him to leave you alone, maybe suggest he do this or that, just so you can lie down for a bit
i'm sorry this is all i got.
vlora

It sounds like you are really frustrated, A.. It's good that you already recognize that you have your own issues with physical closeness. One thing that I know some moms have tried in similiar situations is giving their children their undivided attention--no TV, no books, or other distractions--for 15 or 20 minutes BEFORE the child asks for attention. They find that by giving them what they want, without the child having to ask, makes a huge difference...that once their child has his/her needs met without even asking, they then feel comfortable playing on their own for a while. Children are quite intuitive--yours may sense your wish for less physical intimacy and be responding to that. Instead of pushing him away, try giving him what he wants and see what happens!

Best,
C.

I'm also a single mother and I feel the same way with my four year old. I too at times feel like I'm being a bad mother by doing that, but I just need my space sometimes. This past week is a good example, I had both of my children 24 hours a day for 5 days because we were away for the holiday. By the last day I was pulling my hair out, and my daughter wouldn't let me have one inch to myself, she was constantly under me like a shadow. I love my kids dearly, but I do think it partly has to do with being a single mother and not having any time to yourself, it gets very frustrating at times.

A.

I don't feel you're a bad mom but if you can tolerate giving him your full attention then do it. I have a son too who wants me constantly...but ya know...You are all he has...enjoy this time with him...it doesn't last...when he get's older, then he won't want your attention as much...so just feel blessed that you have a little man that LOVEs you so much...that's how I look at it...I can't wait to see my son everyday! It is hard I know but hang in there!

Kelly