Hey Mamas. I've written before about my dear step-daughter who is now 11 (12 in December). I will recap briefly. SD suffers from ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), abandonment issues and has a borderline personality disorder, mostly all due to bio-mom's behavior during pregnancy and after. Fast forward....SD has been cutting her hair in the middle of the night (twice this year in the bangs area), stealing snacks at night again, constantly lying about everything--pretty much the same behavior we've seen historically. Today, however, things took a dark turn. We live in a semi rural area and have been battling a small mouse problem recently. This morning the girls (SD and my daughter) found a mouse trapped on a glue trap in their bathroom. Being the big 11 year olds they are, put the trap inside a plastic shopping baggie and came to show me their catch. I thanked them then told them I would handle it after I was dressed. Apparently, the mouse was squeaking so SD decided she would take it outside, get rocks from the driveway, and bash in it's little head. My daughter is bawling and freaked out. I'm freaked out. What would posses an 11-year-old girl to want to bash an animal's head in with rocks? And where would that idea come from? I mean, she took the trap out of the bag and watched herself smash it. I find this to be very disturbing, but when I talked to my husband, he didn't seem to have an issue with her killing the mouse, only her method. WHAT?! Am I missing something here? HELP!
SD is in counseling and has been at my suggestion for a few years. We have family therapy and she has individual therapy. She also sees a psychiatrist for her ADHD meds. When I told my husband about this morning's events, I suggested an emergency appointment with the counselor and he didn't seem to think it was necessary. I'm at a loss here. This is how serial killers start--mom issues, brain chemical imbalances, torturing small animals. It sounds extreme, but I'm dead serious (no pun intended). I would have handled killing the mouse myself, I would not have let it suffer. I never expected my 11 year old to 1) take matters into her own hands and 2) use such a brutal, bloody method to handle it herself. And with no emotion, remorse or avulsion whatsoever. I should add that SD has trapped other animals and allowed them to die by dehydration. She has taken doodle bugs from outside and hid them inside her room after repeatedly being told to leave bugs outside. After that, she collected about a dozen of them in a metal pail and allowed them to die sitting outside in the sun without food, water or shade. This isn't a new thing, just on a more disturbing scale.
From what I have studied, read and experienced with my mil, BPDs are not usually serial killers. I think it's unfortunate but not deserving emergency counseling. I could be wrong and you could check it out on the board at BPDFamily. A lot of great information and experiences there. Check out better ways of communication and Medium Chill. Never escalate emotion.
The fact that she showed no emotion while killing the mouse is what bothers me. I don't know if you need an emergency appointment, but I would certainly call the psychologist and ask to meet with him/her about your concerns. You can hopefully come up with a plan for your SD together. You're very right that torturing small animals is one of the first indications of sociopathic behavior in children... but it isn't a sign that a child WILL become a sociopath. It's just a red flag. Take this seriously and make sure you get both your SD and your entire family support as you navigate whatever mental/emotional issues she's got. Good luck!
You are right to be concerned and you are also right that this is how serial killers usually start.
Hubby needs to get on board FAST!
I don't know what good an emergency appointment with the counselor is going to do. This can't be worked out in one emergency meeting. I would, however, get on the phone and let the counselor know RIGHT AWAY what happened so that he can deal with it at next meeting.
Good luck to you and yours!
You are 100% correct to be concerned for your stepdaughter. I agree that an emergency appointment needs to be made. It's disturbing that this is actually patterned behavior now and she's only 12 years old... but what's more disturbing is that your husband isn't worried about it. It's hard to criticize him for his denial of his baby girl, and he's probably creating logical explanations in his head for her actions.
Do you get any say at all in your stepdaughter's care and appointments? Or do you HAVE to go through your husband and get his approval first? Do you both have to go through your stepdaughter's bio-mom?
I do wonder if there's more at play here than ODD and ADHD. My eldest daughter has those, and is 12, but we don't deal with anything else besides typical tween girl middle school issues. Typical girl drama. If her mother used drugs or alcohol during her pregnancy, this sort of thing may have added some deeper elements such as fetal alcohol syndrome and therefore some serious neurological issues.
I think it's very important that she receive a new neuro-psych evaluation from a psychiatrist that specializes in neurological and behavioral and mood disorders.
Sociopaths start with lies, stealing, and harming small animals before moving on to bigger and badder things. I too would be concerned. Today it's the mouse, tomorrow it's the neighbor's cat or dog. Your husband should be concerned. Does he honk this is normal? She needs further mental evaluation.
I agree with you. This is not normal behavior for an 11 year old child.
I would make an emergency counseling appt yourself if your hubby will
let you.
Then I would make a counseling appt for yourself w/someone right away
to see how YOU can deal with someone who has ADHD, ODD and borderline personality disorder.
This information is disturging. Please get appts fast.
Best of luck to you and your family!
I am so sorry you are going through this.
She put the mouse out of it's misery. I don't see any reason for concern unless she did it with glee. How were you going to handle it? Isn't killing the mouse the only way to go? She used the only method available to her.
I wouldn't use those glue pads for the reason that it does cause anguish for the mouse.
I suggest that you call and talk with her therapist. I think it's possible that you're over reacting. Even after your SWH I would not think that she's headed to becoming a serial killer. The other creatures who've died have died from neglect not purposeful malice.
I'm sorry your husband is in denial. YOU make that emergency appointment.
I don't know how you are managing with her, I have to say. You're a better woman than me.
Dawn
