More in Law Advice Needed....

i'm okay with not having close relationships with people who are disinterested in me. i get it. i'm not that interesting, and that's fine.
i don't do tit-for-tat. i absolutely do mutual disinterest.
khairete
S.

With some of my family members, interaction is one-sided too. It used to bother me but then I stopped having expectations. I just do what I do and I'm happy with it regardless of the outcome.

For example, I always send my nephews gifts or cards even if I can't make their birthday party. Their parents do not RSVP to invitations (but get mad if they don't get one) and don't reciprocate gifts.

Oh well! I still do what I do because I'm an awesome auntie. ;-)

Stop having expectations. Do what makes you happy even when it isn't reciprocated. Relationships with any people shouldn't be 'envisioned' at all, because you will almost always be disappointed. There is nothing for you to build here.

Sounds petty to me. I don't see where you are looking for advice, just people to agree with you. I'm not one of them. Get over it. In the whole scheme of life, this is unimportant.

You sound like a three year old saying well since Billy didn't play with me I don't have to play with him when he asks.

If you don't want to communicate with them then don't, but don't act like you have some moral high ground because they did it to you first. It is your choice, you don't need permission to make the choice, nor have they given you permission by not acting as you expect them to.
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Wow, way to change your whole post around to make answers seem a bit off! Now it is I want this to exempt me where before it was all petulant child doesn't this give me permission to completely ignore them. If you change your mind then edit, don't delete everything so that the answers you don't like sound like they read something that isn't there. That is beyond an ignorant thing to do.
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Well if you are going to keep changing it I guess I will start keeping it open in another tab so I have proof I am not losing my mind!
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Oh goodness, do we sound confused? Adding means additional, not removing half the post and then adding. Then removing what you add and changing it again and then changing your user name because you got that wrong too. You say you put up a one sided fence that became a bridge and on and on.

First of all, the phrase is "A.," not "lost for words." Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest.

Next, you've tried to build a bridge, not a fence. Fences keep people out.

Call your sister in law and let them know that if the check doesn't clear by 10 August, you're going to cancel it so you can properly reconcile your checkbook.

You don't bond with people who have no interest. If they have no interest, you either take the high road and continue to be nice, knowing that it will not be reciprocated, or you say f*ck it and ignore them entirely. You never see them, so you're probably pretty safe ignoring them and just smiling brightly at family functions.

ETA: Kindly stop making major changes to your post. It's confusing. If you need to add something, do an ETA at the bottom, or put it in your So What Happened. Thanks.

My pastor always ends with the same benediction. It includes this phrase, which I think are words to take to heart regardless of whether or not you are religious "hold on to what is good, and return no person evil for evil".

For future events, be polite and always RSVP. If it's an event that you want to go to, then RSVP yes and go. If it's an event that you don't want to attend, then RSVP no and don't go. There is no need to make a broad dramatic statement at this moment in time.

ETA: Wow, way to change the question so you sound more reasonable and my answer looks like it's from left field. The original question was this (paraphrased): My SIL's family didn't respond to the RSVP for my child's graduation party and also didn't show up. I didn't attend their child's party, but I did RSVP and send a gift. Since they were rude, does this give me the right to not RSVP or show up to any of their events ever again, since that's how they treated me?

I refuse to punish my nephews for my sisters inability to connect with others in the family, so they still get cards and presents. I don't let my sister's lack of return to my own children bother me, and they understand it is her and not them.

Girrl...if I said it once I've said it a thousand times, they ain't thinking bout you!.....quit thinking about them! Hell...you have invested PLENTY of time and effort into these people, for real! Let it freaking go! Your husband doesn't seem to care and that's the only person I'd be wanting to please. They live states away so to me....who cares?! I know I know....you do. But they don't and you can't force a one sided relationship and why the hell would you want to anyway. Fake it through the holidays like everyone else does and just go on about your day and your life. Good luck. I'm sorry the relationship with them didn't turn out as you'd wanted it.

I think sometimes we believe that, because someone has the title of "uncle" or "cousin", it implies a real relationship. Sometimes it's just a branch on a family tree. You didn't choose these people as you choose friends - it was a package deal when you got married.

Maybe it has to do with how recently you came into the fold, maybe not. Maybe it has to do with the "troubled child", but maybe not. Maybe it's just them!

In some ways, it's almost better that the check wasn't cashed - if it had been cashed and you hadn't been thanked, it would have been totally rude. This way, you don't know if it got ignored or tossed or what.

We have a branch of the family that has sort of checked out - they don't acknowledge the receipt of any gifts or cards, even small family heirlooms (we wanted each kid to have something of their great grandmother's for example). We sent cards for holidays, Valentine's, St. Patrick's, b-days and more. We heard nothing back after the first few years when mostly the mom wrote the letters, sometimes writing down what the child "dictated" and for a few years there was a fill-in-the-blank letter for children just learning to write. There's been nothing at all for several years, and the kids are 10 and 12. So now they get nothing except a card. We get nothing back, they don't acknowledge our birthdays, they don't make social appointments, nothing.

So what we do now is we send ONLY a card at the birthday and one major holiday. I send nothing to the adults. It's my husband's side, so he sends to his daughter on her birthday and that's it - no gift. If they should ever call to get together, I'd be open, but they make dates and then don't show, so I don't invest anything. I did schedule a big BBQ for all the cousins (my kid & step kids, their first and second cousins). The "useless" ones showed up (and RSVPd and brought a fair amount of food), so clearly they care what the others think of them - OR they thought it would be more fun than just us. I don't know, I don't care. But the adults say things like "Next time, our house" or "we should get together" and we never hear a thing.

So what we do is ONLY plan things that don't depend on an exact head count - my mother used to say, "Just throw another cup of water in the soup", you know, the type of meal that can stretch for whoever shows and be frozen for later on if there's a low turnout. No sit down meals - just BBQ or appetizers/desserts. If they don't show, I am sure to put lots of photos on FB so they can a) see what they missed or b) at least see what the cousins and uncles/aunts look like.

Meantime, I make sure my son knows they are limited folks, that it's not personal or a reflection of how they view him, and I insist that he RSVP to his own invitations and write his own thank you notes so he never makes anyone else feel like they make him feel. And I invite tons of great friends who are almost like family so he is sure to be surrounded by loving and caring extended "family". These are the relationships we have chosen, they are not "assigned" by marriage or biology, so he can trust them.

I recommend you scale way back, don't pick a fight you can't win, and redirect your attention to people who make you happy and fulfilled rather than wait for people who are either rude or disconnected or so troubled they can't see beyond their own lives.

I totally get your feelings on this. We have had the same issue with family over the years (both extended family on my side and in-laws). For years, I have them to invited to events (for which they no show/no call/no card), yet for years I went to everything our family was invited to - even driving several states away for a wedding, and if I couldn't attend, always let them know and sent a card.

The one issue that I face is when I receive an invite for their child's such and such, the child doesn't obviously have any part in their parent's whole childish game.

For me, I recently decided that we would no longer make any appearances at these events. If the event was for their child, I still send a card directly to the child (with a gift card or money) until they are 18 (like I said, this has been going on for years). I do still RSVP only because I don't want to sink to their level - I do my best to be the bigger person, even when it is difficult. Plus, I want to set good examples for my own children in this area.

I hope that you are able to find a middle ground that you are happy with. Good luck!

Take a moment to be glad that they do not live in your town or even your state. Consider that you actually are fortunate because you and they aren't expecting each other to come to events "because after all you're only a few minutes away."

Can you see that you are letting them take up a lot of your energy? They seem to occupy a lot of space in your thoughts. Why? If you know them well and like them and wish you could have more of their company (not merely because they're family and you expect it, but because you actually enjoy their company)--then I could see being this upset. But you don't indicate that you miss them for their company, only that you have expectations of them as relatives. If they can't even meet the most basic requirements of simple politeness (like responding to an RSVP even if the answer is no), and if you dont' otherwise like them or miss them as friends, why let them take up so very much of your mental real estate? They're not communicators. You wanted communicators as relatives. So communicate instead with your own friends and family.

Just send the kids cards at birthdays and holidays. No gifts required but keep those lines of communication open. I wouldn't bother with the adults except for a card at whatever holidays you and/or they celebrate.

And oh yes....your husband should be taking the lead in these contacts. Not you. Sure, you can help out and grab a card at times. But it's his family and his responsibility, ultimately. If HE feels they should be more responsive, then he should call his sibling(s) and tell them so. Meanwhile, stop giving them so much power over you that they take up this kind of space in your mind.

This is really about managing your own expectations, not about finding some way to build a bond with them.

I haven't read the other responses (bad habit) but I will say this - Sweetie, they're sending you a message loud and clear. Try not to take it personally. They just don't want a relationship. That's ok. There's nothing you can do. I would not spend another moment worrying about what to do. Accept it.

Now I do think you continue to acknowledge birthdays etc. It's not the kids' fault and who knows someday maybe they'll put 2+2 together and you can have a relationship of some kind with them. But the mom and dad just aren't interested. Let it go. You have been in the family three years - obviously things aren't going to change. I'm sorry but that's just how it goes sometimes.

Stop banging your head against the wall!
Stop sending checks, gifts, etc.
Consider them a "no" for any future invites, still send them.
Then they can't cry about not being invited.
They're not grateful.
There are 5 million ways to communicate "thank you" in 2015. They can't take 5 seconds to do it.

Yes you are wrong. Regardless of how they behave, you can conduct yourself appropriately. Treat others as you would like to be treated and all that hoopla.

Just keep sending the invitations and don't be hurt if they don't respond or show up. But them way, way on the back burner. You need to keep being polite and civil. They don't have to be your buddies.

As far as the check goes, I would want to know if the kid received it, so I would keep bugging them until I got a response. Maybe it got lost, if it was never cashed. Until you get a response about that, don't send any more gifts.

ETA: You've changed your post, adding things that weren't there before, which makes the earlier responses seem like we've missed things. As another poster suggests, send a gift card to the children so you don't have to worry about checks not being cashed.

ORIGINAL:
Regardless of what they do, you should continue to behave properly and respond to invitations. You don't have to attend, but you should respond.

As for gifts? Why would you penalize a child for parents' bad behavior?

I would put a stop payment on the nephew's check and don't send anymore. Continue to invite them to family events but don't let it bother you if they don't RSVP or show up. Also continue to go to their parties only if you can and want to. Don't stress about these kinds of issues. Actions speak louder than words...if you are not a priority then you don't need to make them one. JMO. Good luck.

It this was a friend and not your inlaws would you keep pushing for a relationship? I'd say to invite if you want, send cards with no cash, and attend their events if you choose to do so. Marriage doesn't make a family and you can't make people accept you and act nicely if they don't want to.

You do what you feel is necessary in terms of social conduct. Just because THEY refuse to do the socially appropriate thing (rsvp, gifts, etc.) doesn't mean you should lower yourself to their level.

You were apparently taught the proper way to behave. They apparently do not feel it is necessary. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people that don't think they need to respond to rsvp's..... but it is best to at least say you can or cannot come.

Continue with the basics for your niece and nephews. Send birthday cards and gifts (I'd opt for gift cards next time vs. a check, so you're not in limbo with your checkbook balancing), and RSVP when invited.

However, I wouldn't make an effort to send the adults anything. They've made it clear they're not interested in you. If your husband wants to stay in touch, that's his choice and let him handle that on his own. But you don't need to put yourself through constant rejection from them. Life is too short to put up with crappy people. (Speaking as someone who cut off all contact with a toxic aunt and doesn't regret it one bit.)

I'd invite the family to family events, assuming they won't show. But anything specific to the adults, forget it, unless your husband feels compelled to invite them and deal with the rejection.

My uncle married someone with teen kids shortly after I got married (my uncle declined to RSVP, too. My mother had to call him). I see them infrequently. Olive branches are ignored. In fact, it's to the point now that they don't even pretend to join in on Thanksgiving or Christmas because we are too country for her or something. They have told me nothing about her daughter's wedding. I've not asked. I think that if you cannot contact the kids directly, then expect very little via the parents. Invite them when it doesn't matter if they come or not, but don't expect an RSVP. I would send cash, if lesser amounts, or gift cards vs anything that would affect you like a check. I would contact SIL and say that it hasn't been cashed, please do so by x date or you will cancel that check. (However, that may cost you. It was $35 from my bank when my SS lost a check!)

You say you are new but you don't say how new. I have less of a bond with my SIL's kids because they were all older when DH and I married. It is hard to jump in and be close to people you don't see often and who don't put in more effort.

Not all family lives on each others door steps.
It's perfectly fine not to see each other often or at all.
I see no reason why your husband needs to be in contact with them either if he doesn't want to.

I don't think you should keep trying. I'm not sure why you would bother at this point. Just focus on yourself and your family.

Sometimes we have expectations and they aren't realized. It's easier to get rid of the expectations and just see what develops naturally. If a relationship doesn't just on it's own with your in-laws, then don't force it. It tends to make things worse.

I would be inclined to let my husband deal with them - at least for the time being.

Good luck :)

Your child just graduated high school (so 17-18 years old, correct?) and you've been married for 3 years and live in different states than the other family members? So, your child was 14 years old or older when you joined the family. And I'm guessing they spent very little time with your teen in that period of time, and what time they were in proximity to each other, did they even interact? Teens are not known for being social with adults in awkward circumstances---they tend to sit in a corner (or another room) and text and use social media, oblivious to whatever is going on around them.

I'd let it go. Your kid is an adult now. And has no relationship with your inlaws. I mean, they don't *know* each other. So let it go. Don't carry a grudge or a chip. But also be realistic. If their kids are younger, then you have more potential to get to know their kids. It doesn't mean they will make their kids available to you or force them to respond/reply to your outreaches. Not everyone (apparently) follows any semblance of social grace anymore. No thank you or even acknowledgement after 3 months? And ignored your follow up to see if it was received? I'd not mail anything in the future.

If you see them in person, I'd gift if the occasion calls for it. But I'd not mail anything... you won't know if it got there. But again, if you gift in person and they don't care or thank or acknowledge.. do what feels right to you. But don't be angry about it. If you decide to stop gifting, do it. But don't go out of your way to explain why... because "their rude kids don't acknowledge them or thank you" or whatever... just stop. No hard feelings.

I may have to go back and reread some previous posts, b/c for some reason, I feel like you've posted about this before (or someone had a similar one) planning this party and knowing family might not or wouldn't come to it. :/

if these are in-laws i am going to assume that they have known your husband longer than they have known you. what does he think about all this? how does he feel that his family is ignoring you and your children's parties? has he attempted to talk to them to find out whats going on?
if not i would start there. if its all your family i would give up. no sense wasting time and energy on people that don't want to meet you halfway.