More Bedtime Questions

I know exactly what you mean. I have two boys...ages 5yrs and almost 3yrs. They are both in bed at 8pm sharp! If my boys do not get their sleep, they are so cranky and we all pay for it! If my boys stay up late for something, they are still wide awake at 7am no matter what. I think kids should be in bed by 8-8:30pm at this young of age. Plus, I am like you and want to have some "me" time at night and I think that's good for every parent to have. My husbands sister allows their kids to stay up until 11pm-midnight on the weekends or when we visit and they are ages 7yrs and 5 yrs. I cannot stand it!! I always complain to my husband when we are there that the kids need to get to bed. My 5 yr old gets mad when he has to go to bed before the other kids, so we allowed him to stay up until 11pm one night and yep, he was up at 6:45am and not in a good mood at all the next day. Boy, I was not a happy camper!! I do not understand why parents want their kids to stay up late...don't they want some R & R and have adult conversation time without the kids running around. We decided not to go on vacation with them this year, b/c I will not allow my kids to stay up so late and ruin everyone's vacation. Again, when the kids go to bed, that's when my husband and I can enjoy our vacation with some peace and quiet. You are the parent and if you feel that its in the best interest of your son to go to bed, then that's what happens. Too bad if your friends don't agree with your decision. They don't have to deal with him the next day. I have learned not to worry about what other's think, and to do what I feel is best for my kids. Everyone's parenting approach is different and they don't have to agree with you, but should respect your decision. Best of luck!!

Did you know that it is estimated that 20% of all ADHD cases would be resolved if children were given adequate sleep for their age!

I've heard too many parents say well if they go to bed at 11p.m. and wake up at 6a.m. and their only 3yrs and don't take any naps then they must be fine and their bodies don't need it! Its simply not true! While its true that every child is different, there are recommended averages and when I've done what it takes to ensure my children come close to this, they excel in every part of heir development.

Make sleep a priority and your son will always be healthy. As he gets a bit older he may be able to handle a late night every now and then but in our house that is considered a big treat!

Read up side effects of lack of sleep and talk to your son about how in your family you believe that you need to keep your body healthy and strong and this is part of it.

... and a definite plus is mommy, daddy time when kids go to bed. You have time to be refreshed and re-coop your energy too. Make sure you get your sleep also then you won't be asking anything of your son that your not doing too. He really can't argue with that.

Incidentally, my 10 1/2 yr old goes to bed at 8:30p.m. as the average for his age is 10 hours a night. If my kids are ever extra tired from a late night they have to go to bed earlier the next night to re-coop sleep!

Hi there -

I think these things are really tricky to negotiate. We're on the other side of things. We let our son stay up a touch later (if appropriate - i.e. if he's had a long nap and isn't tired) and then he tends to wake up later when necessary. That started happening after we got back from overseas, and the jetlag made him learn about sleeping in... (he's three)

Don't forget that kids are creatures of habit, and whatever he's used to, if it changes drastically, things will potentially change as a result, but if you started to have a new habit, then things would have to adjust - on holiday for instance, its often possible to have a nap in the afternoon.

Its easier said than done, but you sort of have 2 choices - either on holiday go with the flow and do what the others do, being careful to let your son know that you intend things to go back to normal at home because that's what works best there. Or, stick to your home routine, and just try and block out what the other's are saying.

If there's something to what they are saying, then you are the only one who can judge that - I suspect it would make anyone slightly twitchy to have their parenting judgements constantly second guessed, but if you and your husband are in agreement about this and have a firm rationale, then you can explain this gently to your son, who's is really the only opinion that matters...

I guess what I'm saying is, its not usually possible to have it both ways in situations like this - the others won't stop wondering aloud why you are different from them, unless you change, and if you change and adapt to the situation how will you feel?

The other thought I have is this: how's your son's diet, does he take a good multi-vitimin and is there any chance he could be anaemic or does underactive thyroid run in your family at all? Although its not usnusual for some to be cranky when they've had a bit less sleep than usual, you'd think he'd be able to adapt and take a nap or sth if he was really all that tired from a special event...

Best wishes,
A.

Hi Rita,

I think, especially at his age, I would let him stay up late one night (specifically on vacation so that your friends who keep offering you all that great unsolicited advice can join in the fun the next day) and let him experience the consequences. Don't do it in a mean way, just talk with him and tell him why you don't do it, but you will let him try one time and he can see how he feels the next day.

When he is tired and cranky and feels bad the next day, you can be all sympathy. "I know, honey, this is what we were worried would happen." "I'm so sorry you don't feel well, tonight you can go to bed on time so you get enough rest." "Yeah, baby, some folks need more rest than others and your body is telling you that you didn't get enough." You don't even have to say anything to your friends, just make sure you and your son are around alot so they can witness the fallout for themselves. You can give them the fish eye if you want, too.

I think it's good for kids, especially ones that are getting older and need the practice, to make some choices and experience the consequences that go with them. It's a good life lesson and helps to remind them that the rules are the rules for a reason.

Hope this helps.

I used to be this kid-- I still am, in some ways! You know your kid-- he needs to sleep. I find it astonishing the number of kids I see out at what I think are too late hours. Don't apologize for doing the best thing for your child. New Years Eve is not a child's holiday. I think 8 or 9 is early enough for kids to stay up to watch fireworks-- every kid is different, of course, but I agree that most kids are sleep deprived and could do better with more sleep.

There's a chapter in the book Nurture Shock all about the importance of sleep. It's a quick, fun read that presents lots of recent brain research that I think will help you bolster your argument. There are studies linking lack of sleep with IQ, childhood obesity and depression. It was really surprising to me to see how quickly just an hour of missed sleep could start impacting kids. Reading it definitely made me feel strongly that I need to protect my kid's sleep.

Your son is old enough to understand consequences. When things are calm...talk to him about it. I would let him stay up later on vacation with the understanding that if he is cranky the next day, he will miss out on some of the fun. We tell our kids it is not their privilege to ruin the atmosphere for everyone else just b/c they're tired. If they cannot be civil, they must leave our presence...doesn't matter if it's during dinner or whenever, we won't permit the nasty behavior. They are sent to their rooms and told to either nap or re-charge and to come back when they can exhibit acceptable behavior.

My kids are 10 and 13, and I truly don't remember what time I had them in bed at 7. We're pretty strict during the school year, but relax it in the summer. It always felt mean to me to put the kids to bed before it got dark...and they could hear others outside playing.

However, in the end, you need to do what works best for your family and not worry about what the others think. My 10 y.o's best friend is home-schooled and routinely stays up until close to midnight. That has eliminated a lot of sleepovers that we wanted to have b/c I won't let my little one stay up that late and her friend cannot get to sleep earlier. Stinks sometimes, but that's reality.

My daughter sounds the same as your son (she's 6) and we get the same pressure. Do what is right for your child or you'll pay the price with a crabby or sick child. We just caved during a family trip to Disney and she was miserable and got sick and missed out on things because of it. Every child is different.

My advice to you is to remember that you are his Mom, not them. You know your son a lot better than they do. They do not have to deal with the fallout from your son staying up too late. You need to do what is best for you and your son. Don't let their unwanted advice make you do something that you know you will regret.

Good luck!

Rita,
I feel ya! My 7 yo son NEVER sleeps in later in the summer, even if he is up really late the night before. We do relax our bedtime a lot more in the summer 9-10 p.m. but there are days he is SO miserable by dinnertime! Grrrrr......
I'd relax it during vacation--some. But when my son is nasty in the afternoon after a night like that I send him to his room to relax and watch a (60-120 min) movie. It seems to recharge him a bit.

I agree with the other comments, just talk to him and if he wants to try to stay up for the summer activities then he has to be old enough and mature enough to handle the next day. My 7 yr old didn't used to sleep in either, no matter what time she went to bed she was always up at the crack of dawn!! Now she is getting much better about it. But if she is cranky or has a nasty attitude the next day she isn't allowed to stay up and if its really bad she has to go take a nap (which she doesn't like at all but sometimes is necessary). But in the end you are his mother and know what's best. :-)