Moms Opition

Speaking as the wife of a man who is 38 and is acting the same way ... the sooner he learns to take responsibility for his actions, and himself, the better. Maybe if my in-laws would have given Tim a little "tough love" in his 20s he would have faced some hard times and gottne his act more together and we wouldn't be facing a divorce now. Good luck.

Hi V.,
I have 2 words - TOUGH LOVE. I'm sorry but that's what you need to do. He made his bed now he needs to lay it or get off his butt. I have already told my 16 year old son, if he is with a girl and she gets pregnant, he will not be be able to take the easy way out. And I will help but I will not raise my grandchild. He is old enough to know how it happens. Lay clear lines and boundaries on what you are and are not willing to do. W. B.

My, I just spoke to daughter's grandpa just yesterday about this. He FINALLY has let go of his 2 kids, financially. For him, he spoiled his kids when they were younger and gave them what they wanted, and it continued and got worse and worse when he got divorced. He has financed numerous cars and homes and as smart as he is with money his kids don't have a clue. And like your son, these they can't (or choose not to) hold down a job. My ex is 32 and hasn't worked in who knows how long. He just does odd jobs I guess. I don't know how he survives, it's not really my problem. You need to just make sure that baby has food and clothing. Does the baby's mom have a job? Can she provide for the baby? I'm not saying your son shouldn't be a part...I'm not going there.. I'm simply going down the path, if she CAN then that should ease your mind... but then other had, if she is no better, that then opens other can of worms. Have dad sit with him and talk with him about responsibilty of being a dad, oh and child support..because this new mom may go for it...(are they still a couple) and even if they are dad still needs to tell him it's his job to take care of his family. That baby needs insurance, food, clothes, ...who's job is it to pay for it. Ask him that...and then when he say "me" then ask him "how, you don't have a job, when you going to get one..etc. He may never change, it may be who he is... but this new little life may change hime too. I hoped that my little girl would change her father, but she didn't and neither did his 2nd child. He still is irresponsible. But I have also seen it happen the other way too. I hope it works out for the best. He just has to want it! Make sure he knows his decisions he makes no longer effects just him anymore...

V., the other girls have great advice for you so i'm going to probably echo much of what they said. you owe it to your grandchild - do whatever you can to teach your son how to be a man. he's 20 years old therefore he should NOT be freeloading off you and his dad. at the VERY least he should be spending his time during the days 1. looking for a job, and 2. helping around your house. that's what grownups are supposed to do. i'm not trying to be mean, but while part of this may be his personality, probably a good part is also what he has learned in his life so far. you've got to step up and teach him to stand on his own two feet. if you don't, no one will! then it'll be left for some future girlfriend/wife to deal with. also, once he has a job he needs to start paying rent. i wish my inlaws had done this for my husband before i met him. i love him to death, and he adores his son and is a great father, but as far as being a grownup man, well he's still struggling, at 31. not that this girl is going to be your daughter in law, BUT i'm just saying it from my own perspective. think about your grandchild. your son (again no offense!) is a 20 year old boy. i don't think they really START to mature till about 30, so he's got a long road ahead of him. you have the benefit of knowing what's in store for him (at least somewhat!), where he doesn't. do what you have to do give that baby a good daddy. it is called tough love, and unfortunately sometimes it's necessary...good luck!

Tough Love! That is the only way he will grow up. I saw my parents do it with my brother...when he couldn't handle it, he joined the army and came out a man. Now he is one of the most saught after plant inspectors in the country. No parent wants to have to do it, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary. They have to hit rock bottom to learn to pick themselves up and grow up. Good luck and God Bless.

Wow! This is a very unfortunate situation. It is obvious that you want what is best for your son and new grandchild. It is hard to force responsibility onto someone at this age. I know that with my brothers, they were pretty immature at 20. My parents told them that If they are not enrolled in school full time, they had to pay rent or get their own place. Of course she did the same for us girls. After we turned 16, if we wanted to drive, we paid for the insurance and shared a family car. If we wanted our own, we bought it with our own money. Bottom line, I think that you would like your son a lot more if he would be responsible for himself. Unfortunately, many times, it takes a fall to rise to be the person that you know he can be. It is hard to watch your children go through these rough times. Just let him know what the "rules" are after you and your husband agree on them, and be prepared to watch him fail. Let him fail. Let it get hard. Just support him when he comes to you and admits he has failed. But never, ever, give in to the rules. If you agree that he has to keep a job and pay $BLAH rent, then he pays or else interest or a new place etc. I had a brother that was told to leave the house. After about 6 - 9 months (and many tears from my mom that my brother never saw) he finally was ready to come home, keep a job, go to school. He completely turned his life around. He is a very responsible 29 year old that is married, has nice cars, a home, and a very respectable carrier. Good luck. It will get better, but it may require a little push from you and your husband. Your energy should be spent on your mom. Also, congrats on another grand-baby!!

Forget paying rent. If you truly want to show that you love your son help him to be a man. Give him a couple months (set an exact deadline) to find a job and apartment. Then let him know if you will set his stuff on the curb if he is not out by that date. If he wants to be "adult" enough to father a child then he need to be adult enough to be on his own. Don't baby him. Save that for the poor child who will need your love.

Maybe try the "tough love" thing and while he's living with you make him pay rent. That will show him the importance of getting and keeping a job. It will show him that in order to have stuff you have to earn it....it reminds me of the Cosby episode where they made Theo pay rent....he needs to learn that there are no free handouts in life, especially with a child on the way he needs to learn how to step up and be a man.

Kick him out. Explain to him that since he's chosen to father a child, it's time for him to grow up and accept the responsibilities that go along with making that decision. Tell him that you love him very much, but that his current inability to hold down a job is jeopardizing his baby's future... that life is no longer about him, it's about the life he's chosen to bring into the world without the benefit of financial support (other than welfare). Be prepared to change your locks, though.

Hi, V.. Your situation just proves parenting does not stop at age 18. I am assuming your son lives with you. The only solution I can come up with is to make some ground rules for his staying with you. In those rules, he has to keep a job and contribute to the household utilities or such. If he can not do this, then he will have to sponge off of someone else. Tough love is just that- tough. As parents, it is our job to send our kids into the world to be responsible adults. He might take a bit longer, but he will hopefully find his way. I find that kids are much more spoiled and dependent today. I have an 8 year old that could turn into your 20 year old, so I feel for you. I don't know why they have such a difficult time seeing the connection between work and stability. I hope your son finds that connection soon, since there is now a child involved. Take care and God Bless.

Wow! Sounds like your Son is really struggling with growing up. Some times they have to learn the hard way, by you just telling him it's time to be on his own. You don't mention what he is doing, school or work, what the plans are for the baby etc. I have 5 grown Children, the youngest is 22. If it were me, and he was not going to school, I would be telling him he had to get a job, either pay you rent or get his own place, and make arrangements for supporting his child. And stick to it!!!

Hi V.,
That's tough because as you say, you might not like how he's acting right now, but you still love him.

I do think you guys should lay down some ground rules, remind him that he is lucky to have family that loves him and wants to help, but he has to help himself.

If not enrolling in college, then needs to keep a job. Maybe you can help him learn about budgets. Perhaps you should charge a rent as well.

Letting our kids crash and burn to any extent is never fun. But, the sooner they do it, the better.

Another idea, sign him up to volunteer somewhere much worse than his life. He might need to see that he's already been given the world, now he needs to earn his life.

Best of luck. Perhaps even some counciling might help him. Maybe if you tell him how much you love him and want him to be happy and want to help get over the hump.

For one thing 20 is a hard age to be. In reality, you are still a child, but you are trying so hard to be grown up and the world expects you to be grown up.... So, he just needs to get over the hump.

You're a blessing to your family, I can tell!

Until you put your foot down, and let him learn on his own he will continue to ask for money or whatever it may be. Otherwise you will have a 28 year old with 3 kids expecting you to buy diapers, food, milk etc. They have to learn to take on their own responsibility. My mother has the same issue with my brother, and I understand it is hard to tell them to do it on their own without helping, because grandkids are involved but sometimes you just have to put your foot down. If he wants money have him wash your car vacuum it out, or even just helping you mow and then give him a few dollars. This way he is earning it, and you are helping at the same time. Just my suggestion. Hope everything works out.

Sounds like it is time to cut the apron strings. The absolute best thing you can do for young adults that thing the world owes them everything is to give them nothing and let them fall flat on their face. Tough love as someone else said. Let him struggle for a while and figure out what the real world is all about. You can help him pick up the pieces once he has figure a few things out but do not pick them up for him. It might seem harsh to both of you at first but in the end you will thank you for it.

Let him know it is time for him to grow up he has a HUGE (baby)resposbility on the way and needs to get his act together.As a grandparent help the baby but not your son if he continues to act immature on not keeping a job and financial responsibility maybe he has had it to easy in the past and needs to have the light shine down on him for a while let him figure it out its not easy being a parent plus holding down the fort.SAHM of 2 and 1 more on the way

My in-laws went through the same thing with their youngest child. They finally just told her that she was on her own and they would in no way be supporting her any more. They gave her a date of when she needed to be out of the house and stuck with it. That did it. Every now and then she will try to get my in-laws to give her money or pay for things for her kids, but they don't. They stick to their decsions to not support her, she's now 25 and doing it herself. They gave her a drop dead date to give her time to find a job and a place to live but that was it.

Good luck!

V., i guess my response is probably going to be very different from the ones you have so far. It is obvious that you love your son and you want what is best for him and his new family to be. There comes a time in life when a parent can only teach through example until a young person is in a teachable frame of mind. At the age of 2o your son is an adult and he is making the choices for his life that he feels are important to him. Unfortunatly the choices they can make at this age are not always the most adult like and can leave the parents in your position asking what else you can do.

I dont believe that you will do your son or the grandchild by taking a hard stand at this point. You may only alienate him and leave him with no options. When I was 18 I was at home and had to go to my parents and tell them I was pregnant. they were embarrassed and upset of course, they could have kicked me out, made me grow up and act more like and adult. But what they did was love me. They allowed me to stay, gave me food to eat, a place to sleep and a place to bring my baby home to. It was life that made me grow up. This new life that came into the world looking at me for everything that it needed. I became a good mom, and I grew up quickly. When that baby has needs and he is the one that needs to supply them, he will grow up. If he chooses at that point not to take responsibility, then maybe a little tough love is in order. Until then be there for him, create a place for new grandchild in your heart and home, and be prepared to watch the miracle of life transform your son. I have seen it happen to two young men over the last few years and they have become men that I am very proud of. Good luck to you and your family.

WOW, time to let go. stop enabling his bad choices. let him know that he is old enough to make decisions and there are consequences for those. If he is without a job then he is without money and you will not enable by being his personal bank. BANK CLOSED. He has a child now that depends on him. Give time lines. Say you have to have a job within a week any job or out. Tough love hurts. I had to do it. Let him know your love for him is unconditional but his choices are his and you cannot pay for them.

Oh come on now Vicki...you know in your heart of hearts that allowing a 20-year old MAN to live in your house, make babies, and not have a job is NOT teaching him anything useful.

You know what you have to do, and unless you get strong enough to kick him out of the nest he'll never be the kind of father that your soon-to-arrive grandbaby deserves.

Think of the life YOUR CHILDREN would have had if your husband had acted that way? Is that what you want for your grandchild?

I'm a tough love kind of parent. It comes with it's own special kind of heartaches, but we must keep our eye on the prize, we're in this for the long haul.

You need to give that boy 2 weeks to be out of the house. No excuses, no games, no manipulations. No suddenly agreeing to enroll in college if he can stay...no more procrastinating. He needs to be out the door and at work, and start saving up some money for diapers and formula.

There is no future in playing video games and laying on the couch eating Doritos.

Dear V.,
I have to agree with "Tough Love". The more you and your husband give to your son, the more he will take. It sounds like he is living with you, so here is some tough but loving and encouraging suggestions: 1) Sit him down and set up a budget, okay so right now he does not have a job, therefore he has to have a daily to-do list, a) from 8am to 12 noon he is out job hunting, b) after noon, he is at home doing chores earning money from you and dad that you two manage in a savings account for him. Because he is acting like a child and therefore he has to earn the right to manage his money on his own.
(2) Start making him PAY RENT, Yes RENT, he is living there, therefore he must contribute to the household expenses.
(3) Once he finds a job: he can open his own savings account, but he must still meet with you and dad once a week and display his budget and savings plans.
(4) Rules and Boundaries must be discussed about his girlfriend, baby, future, etc...
again, he is acting irresponsible, therefore he gets treated as such...
(5) all the above is written down in a contract and signed by all three
and posted on the fridge, as a reminder that this is to teach him that you two are serious about your demands.
(6) Warning**He will fight you on this,(well hopefully not) so be prepared, therefore try to come to him in a non-offensive manner. Let him know that you and dad want to help him, help himself, that his way is not working and if he is not willing to try life you and dad's way, (then maybe moving out would be a better option for him) save that statement as a last resort?? Remember the discussion can go smoothly, everyone just has to be willing to listen. We all know rearing children is not easy, and rearing teens is harder, but rearing young adults, well I think that is more tough.
Good Luck, God Speed, Let me know how it goes and/or if there is anything else I may beable to assist you with.
M. N.

Make him move and don't rescue him anymore!! Let him sink in his pool and swim his way back to the top. If you "bail" him out, you are only enabling him to continue his present behavior. This may not be easy, especially since he has been irresponsible enough to be bringing a baby into his mess. He may try to use the baby as leverage, make you feel guilty because the baby needs this or that..........but stand up and make him be a man for a change!! And for goodness sake, tell him that until he can take care of the responsibilities that he has, he needs to keep it in his pants!!!

guess what? No matter what you choose to do, the decision still won't be your son's. & that's where the problem lies.

At age 20, he's an adult. So the ? would be: why have you let it go on so long? It's time to take a step back, & allow him to grow up. Set a cut-off date, & stand firm. Make sure he is fully-engaged in this decision process OR he will resent your choices & fight you on them. & if he refuses to engage in his own life, then what are you going to do? Will you throw him to the curb? How far are you willing to take this?

You & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers. It's a tough road, & one we've walked.