Moms of Boys: the Concept of "Ladies First"

I never even thought of teaching my son to hold the door specifically for women, since I automatically hold the door open for whoever is behind me, regardless of gender. So I've probably taught him and my daughter just to be polite and hold the door open for the people behind them :).

I have taught my children that they hold the door for whomever is behind us. Or if they see someone coming out the door they can hold it for them. Or if they see someone struggling to get in the door.
I have not specifically taught them to hold the door for women, but my husband has.
My husband is very chivalrous... walks on the outside of the sidewalk, has me go in and out doors first, has me go up stairs first. My sons watch that and will learn, hopefully.
I also teach my children to give up their seats for their elders, pregnant women, people who need a seat.
Just good manners!

I do not and will not teach "girls go first". I do teach my 3 children, 2 boys and a girl, manners. They have all been taught to help others who need it, to let others go first instead of rudely pushing past for the sake of being first. The hold the door open for anyone who needs it instead of letting it slam behind them into someone's face. They give up a seat to someone when appropriate. Everyone should learn basic manners and those manners should be used toward everyone equally.
The idea of "girls go first" stems from the ancient idea that girls and women are fragile and helpless. It stems from a time when they wore clothing that was so restrictive that they genuinely needed help with everything in their life. They needed help with things as simple as holding doors open to be able to walk through, sitting and putting their own clothing on. As we know, women and girls are not helpless and fragile and do not need to be treated as such. We don't need to be let in first just because we are a girl. Treating us with manners just because we are human is all that is needed.

No. Courteous and respectful of everyone, and to look out for people in need.

I never taught my son (who is now 18) that girls go first. What I did teach him (and his dad did also, and led by example as well) is that good manners are to hold the door for ladies and your elders. My son routinely holds the door for women (and kids and the elderly, and even men if they trail behind their wives as son is holding the door) wherever we go... restaurants, malls, stores, whatever. And yes, he holds it for his younger sister, too. Even if they are bickering. It isn't even a thought at this point. Just habit. And one I am proud he has.

And even if he doesn't hold the door and let them through first, he does the same as I do when someone is close behind me as I'm going through... reach back with one arm to hold it open from behind and they catch it before they come through. And yes, as Elayne mentioned also, moms with kids (in particular strollers).

We taught our kids to be polite to everyone. Our daughter was taught that she wasn't special because she was a girl. Our son wasn't special because he was boy. Everyone was equal in God's eyes. Everyone has a unique purpose in life. Be kind to all. Nothing wrong with holding the door for anyone.

I have two boys - both teenagers.

We have taught them to hold the door for PEOPLE, not just women/females. It's called being POLITE and having manners. As a female? I do it as well. My husband and I both role model it.

Just because a male holds a door open for a female or ANYONE for that matter, doesn't make the person who went in first weak or fragile. It's just common courtesy. Something that seems to be lacking these days.

If you could actually find an actual lady it might be a good idea but there aren't many girls I know that could actually be described by the term 'lady'.
Our son will hold a door open for anyone - elderly, males, females, people with their hands full, etc.
Manners are all good and well but I see no reason for them to be so gender specific.

No, I didn't. It doesn't make sense to me to have double-standard of telling my sons that boys and girls (and men and women) are all equal and then teach archaic standards.

I have taught my sons (and step-daughter) to be courteous and aware of everyone. That means hold the door for someone else, offer a seat on the train to someone who might need it more than you, let someone cut the line if you have a cart full of groceries and they have two items, use good manners and generally be on the lookout for opportunities to be helpful and kind.

I don't react rudely to chivalry or get upset when someone gives me the "ladies first" treatment because I assume that they mean well, but it's not a standard that I've taught my sons.

I didn't - it kind of sticks in my craw as a woman. I do think everyone should hold doors for others, let someone out in traffic, and so on. And I kind of get irritated at men who hold doors by standing in the doorway and leaning against the door, totally blocking me! It happens at the gym all the time - more men than women, I guess.

Definitely hold the door for people (usually women) pushing strollers or holding a toddler by the hand, and for the elderly regardless of gender. With so many people out and about while differently abled (canes, wheelchairs, you name it), it only makes sense to teach everyone to see beyond themselves. I think it includes being considerate of the supermarket clerk who has to collect shopping carts in the cold or in rain/snow, and I always taught my kid to take that abandoned cart left in the parking place or close to the handicapped space and put in the corral or take it into the store. No reason we can't all participate in the jobs that need doing.

I think "ladies first" makes women feel they are fragile, and makes boys resentful over time. We cannot ask for pay equity and equal opportunity and then suggest that we are either privileged or weak.

So I say "no."

I've always taught my boys this. They've seen their dad open doors for all women and I just followed that lead. Maybe its a "Southern" thing....

I certainly did teach my boys and nephews this concept along with allowing a lady to sit on a crowded bus. Both my boys are very polite and even chivalrous. I have taught my nieces to look for these kinds of characteristics in the guys they allow to date them.

In this area there is a ton of public transportation, it is very interesting to watch men and boys sitting while women stand but NEVER do my boys remain in their seat they always give it up for a lady or girl. It is only one part that sets them apart from others and I like it about them.

We haven't taught this concept specifically, but my husband mirrors it for them by the way he treats me and that will have more impact than anything we say about it to them. I also don't think it needs to be "ladies first" all the time anymore, it is more about showing them how to treat the special women in their lives.

we did. and it stuck, for the most part.

it does seem archaic now, and if i were a young mother today i probably would focus more on overall courtesy than the chivalrous idea that women are fragile and need extra care.

i can't help but be just a little wistful for chivalry, though.

as a tough old broad from a long line of tough broads i don't need to pampered and protected.

but in a world grown increasingly coarse and vicious, a little old-fashioned chivalry wouldn't go amiss.

and the hissing fury displayed by some folks when old-fashioned chivalry rears its outdated head is far worse. i've seen nice men opening the door for a woman get stomped on for being misogynists.

it's a pity.
khairete
S.

I'm the only female in my house. I have a husband, two sons, and even the cat is male.

We go with a "whoever isn't me, first." If I approach a door and notice people walking up behind me, I hold it for everyone and enter last. My kids and husband do the same when they are first at a door.

Occasionally, an older man will stop when I'm holding a door and gesture for me to go in before him. I accept graciously. There is nothing polite about having a doorway battle of wills.

I have, and my explanation as to why is simply "because it is our custom".

ETA: I have also taught them to hold the door for everyone.

I think it is learned by example. My boys see that my husband always helps me with my jacket/coat, opens the door (both house and car) when we go places, and although he has never said "ladies first," my boys understand the concept of this (to the best of their abilities - 2 are delayed, 1 is not). Even my most delayed son would hold a door for me since he was probably 5. We have never, ever asked the boys to do this straight out, nor do we really "praise" them for doing it - they just do. They all also understand the concept of opening doors for others, especially older folks or other people and do this on a regular basis. I'd like to point out that my girls also do this for me (open the door) and for others as well, before entering themselves. I think they view it as a sign of respect. In all fairness, I never let my mom open a door for herself when we are together - when my dad was at home (he is in a dementia unit now), he always opened the door for both of us :)

Good luck!

No, that's nothing I would ever impose on children. Whoever gets somewhere first can either go first or politely hold the door, etc.

You teach courtesy by modeling it. I open doors for men or women if I get to the door first. I don't expect for a man to let me go first or use something first. That's just weird. My husband will do those things for me (like open my car door first or pull my chair out at a nice meal), but hell, I'm married to him.

Hi,

I have been instructing my son simultaneously since he was very young that he should be a gentleman and that doing so doesn't imply that women are weak or fragile. He opens doors for me and others. If we're going through a door, he will also hold it open for the men behind him if/as needed, especially if they're elderly. He defers to the women when ordering in a restaurant, knows how to push my chair in at the table, and various other social niceties. I am a staunch feminist, you might even say, forgive the throwback, card carrying. I know this seems like a contradiction but I see it as a harmony.

I did not teach this. I taught my son that it is polite to hold the door open for other people and to let older people go first. I am not teaching him that girls go first.

No, and to be honest, it's not something I plan to teach. Something about "Girls go first" makes me uncomfortable but I can't clearly articulate why.

I do teach my child to hold the door for others - if you are there first, it's polite to hold it for the people behind you. Or to ask someone "can I hold the door for you" if there is someone who appears to need help, regardless of whether the person is in front or behind you.

I teach him to let others go first if the other person appears to be in a hurry - maybe they have something going on that we don't know about.

I teach him to let others sit on a crowded bus, regardless of gender or age, because we are healthy and able to stand.

But no, I don't tell him that girls go first.

I am very curious about others' answers here, and if they do teach this, how they do so.

i teach manners and chivalry but never even thought to teach "ladies first." so nope have not taught it. when hes of dating age. i will teach him to pull out chairs, hold doors and open the car door for a lady. but that will come along when he dating or about to date.

I don't think you need to teach the "first" concept specifically. Waiters in restaurants generally take a lady's order first, but that's a business thing.

I think holding doors and giving up a seat for a woman or an elderly person often boils down to thoughtful practicality (or an assumption about practicality). Stronger arms of the person holding the door, allowing a person in high heels and carrying a large purse to sit down, etc. A healthy young female and a healthy young male might be equals in those categories. I'm not "weak", but I can certainly think of office buildings I go to with very heavy doors that don't seem to bother men I know at all (whereas I might struggle to open the doors, especially if balancing a coffee in a strong wind etc), so even in a business non-romantic time like that, a man nearby is likely to hold the door.

I once saw an argument on the subway between the mother of a very young boy who stood up from his seat briefly and an elderly woman who sat down in that seat when the boy stood up. The mother said "he was sitting there!" and the elderly woman replied "I pay taxes!" I did not get involved of course, but it was interesting to observe! (On the NYC subways many people would stand to allow a very young child to sit too, the subway can be a bumpy ride for anyone who tries to stand, so young children and elderly people and others who might have trouble balancing are better off sitting down.)

I've always taught my kids (son and daughter) to let the other child (boy or girl) go first. It's a common courtesy and the younger you start the more ingrained it will be.

Yes and I see it as a sign of respect.

I do not see it as a sign of weakness or fragility. If I did then I would not hold the door for the elderly, disabled or parents with young children.

I teach my children to offer assistance to the elderly to put their cart away after they have unpacked their groceries (we get cold and windy days out here). Also how to not scare them and accept their no gracefully.

I teach my children that leave close parking spaces open for the elderly, disabled or parents with children.

I see none of these people we try to help as weak or fragile...just humanity

I believe girls and boys to be equal. I teach both my son and daughter that it is polite to hold the door for other people. (Was this mom from the south? It's more common there for women to be treated like they are a princess or needing protection which I personally find annoying, but in many southern states it is considered common courtesy for men to open doors, hold seats, stand up, etc.).

I have a girl and I never taught her to expect preferential treatment just because she has internal naughty bits.