Mommy Burnout

I know you are a loving mom and want to be there for your daughter. Did it ever occur to you that she might want time away from you too? She may be stressed too by having you around all the time.

Also, by rushing it to take care of her needs immediately you are not teaching her how she might be able to solve the problem. I had a friend who rushed into her baby's room when he woke and started crying. As a result he never learned how to put himself to sleep. She did this for 2.5 years and still does it. She has not gotten an uninterrupted night's sleep in over two years! He wakes 2-3 times a night.

Yes you need to be there for your baby, but you can't "be there" fully if you're stressed. She knows you're stressed and she probably gets stressed as well. Help her grow as well by giving her time away from you.

A little break may help everyone, and also may make the time you have together more special!

No one would ever question the love that you have for your daughter. You will get burnt out if you continue on this path and you need to be confident that, God forbid, if anything ever happened to you, could your husband cope? You need to know that he can. I loved my babies more than anything. Some days it was nice to have time to myself, knowing that I still wore the mom-hat but could enjoy the me-time, knowing my baby was safe.

You need to have time for yourself to be able to be a great mom and a great wife. By the time my daughter was 6 months old, I gave up one of my feedings (the 9:00 pm one). I pumped earlier in the day and this became my husband's shift. My husband loved that time - it was his shift. I hadn't realized that he, too, enjoyed feeding our child and wanted to be able to do that too. If your baby is fussing, your husband should try to comfort her too. May or may not work but... you have to let him grow to be a confident daddy too - sounds like you think he is!

Life with your daughter will continue to change. Just when you think you have a routine... BAM! There goes the routine. One thing that you can count on is change and over the next few months, you'll be amazed at her new milestones. Relish those moments. You'll appreciate them more if you are able to carve a little time out in a day for yourself. We all get burnt out or in a rut. Listen to your mind and body - it's screaming that it needs a break and it's not selfish - but necessary - to get one. Even if it means, handing over the baby for a short time and taking a little walk. And.... really.... enjoy those showers when you can. Don't feel guilty. Be grateful that she is not old enough to knock on the bathroom door.

Congratulations!

You never turn off the mommy in you. You just have to teach the mommy in you how to have a healthy, balanced relationship and life with the baby. You will not be emotionally destroying your child if you take a break from him or her. Imagine being an 'attachment spouse' - where your husband was all over you 24-7. Do you ever feel like you need/want a break from him? Do you think he would ever need/want a break from you? Absolutely! And, it isn't because you want to abandon your husband or are resentful...you do it because you also want to take care of your own needs and wants, and to be happy.

I remember the first time we left our son with a babysitter (grandma). I knew she was perfectly capable of keeping things under control but I worried - oh did I worry! I checked the cell phone, kept seeing what time it was on my watch and counting down how much time was left in the movie, you name it I did it. But when we got home, the baby was asleep and he and grandma got along just fine! And, I got some time with my husband to not have to constantly think baby, baby, baby, 24-7.

As far as your husband - the best way to handle this is to relinquish control and let him take care of the baby on his own terms. Start by handing over the baby and leaving the room to do laundry or cook or just read a book in the bathtub. Set a timer for 10 minutes and do not go back in, even if she is crying. Your husband might have a different way of playing with her, soothing her, handling the situation and you know what? That's okay! As long as he isn't being abusive or clueless, your baby will be fine AND the two of them get some much-needed one-on-one time that will be valuable for her growth and development. Furthermore, his confidence in being an active parent will grow, further strengthening the bond between him and the baby and also the two of you.

Start by literally blocking out ten minutes where you go to another part of the house or, better yet, leave the house and leave him in charge. Your baby will be fine and so will you!

Ellen wrote it perfectly, I think. Please heed her advice and take care of yourself! I applaud you for being so honest and listening to yourself long enough to post something on here about it! See, you are already taking care of yourself =)

I was obsessively attentive to my son, too, and it came across to my hubby as if I did not trust him. Truthfully, I realized that I didn't trust him to know the things that I know about my son. Duh! I had to give him a chance! AP doesn't mean that no one else can love, nurture and respond to our children. In fact, AP means that you can have faith that all that you do will make your daughter able to love and trust her father that much more (and other caregivers, too, whenever you guys are ready).

If you are looking for permission from this mommy audience, you have my blessing. Go out and recharge! I think you'll like the feeling of being reunited with your daughter and you'll have twice the energy for her. Have fun!

I can feel your emotions! I think amny moms can, even without the attachment parenting methods. It is hard for lots of people. Having been in your shoes, with practicing attachment parenting and exclusively breastfeeding my babies and practicing self-weaning (still nursing my 3 yr old!) etc. I know how hard it is when you become so attached and it is SO difficult leaving your baby alone with ANYONE else for even the slightest amount of time. First of all, I want to reassure you that after you have 2, it all changes. The crying doesn't bother you anymore cause you've been through it already. With my 1st, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack God forbid when she would scream in the car or go to daddy for me to shower. But she made it and I did it. With the 2nd, you just don't stress about that anymore. I don't leave my babies with too many people other than family and I do not work out of the house during the day. I feel very fortunate that that was feasible while they were infants. But you have to just find time after baby is sleeping, get up and do something YOU enjoy. For me, it was scrapbooking and knitting cause I'd do it in the next room while they slept in my bed. I also would just take the baby with me to see my friends for coffee or an outing. They were fine with it and then I had peace of mind but got out to be ME. I know everyone says "just get away" and its easier said than done. I really hear your dillemma. I also think it is a bit easier for some than others. I know my friend lets her babies cry to sleep and she 'trains' them to sleep alone when SHE wants it. She also leaves her kids with a sitter a lot when they are little and she feels she is doing them right to teach them 'independence' so each to her own. I just know what I can do and you obviously know what you are capable of. Just know that this time passes soooooo fast and then you'll wish it hadn't. Hang in there. Continue enjoying your blessings, and it will all work out in the end. Kudos to you for making such great choices.

Leave the house. What I took to doing was leaving my daughter with my husband on Sunday mornings while I did my grocery shopping. It gave him some alone time with her, and it gave me a chance to get away, even if only for a short while.

At 6 months, I also started two classes with my daughter. It helped me greatly, just to get out, meet some other moms, and to do some really fun things with my daughter. If you can, find a class. Do story time at the local library. It's free. I swear our music class gives me the gumption whenever I am feeling low. So find that thing that feeds your soul. Even just join a meet-up group.

Congrats on keeping up the breastfeeding and doing the attachment parenting thing. Many people just cannot do it: it's hard and takes a level of energy that is hard to sustain (I, for instance, can't do the co-sleeping thing). So you should feel proud of yourself. It will get easier as your daughter gets a bit older. Things with my daughter got much easier around 9 months. Soon, your daughter will be weaned, eating solids, walking without your help, and not needing you 24/7. Until then, find some time every week for yourself.

Hang in there. It will be a distant memory very soon. (trust me, yesterday I spent over an hour reading while my 13 month old played by herself!)

Hi P.,

I feel for you. I don't follow AP to the letter, I'm kinda 60/40 with it. I don't co sleep and circumstances being what they were at the time, my son had to have bottles. However, I understand the "guilt" of leaving your baby and feeling selfish if you take time for yourself. My suggestion is to start small and experiment what you're comfortable with. When you're daughter goes for a nap, have your husband go with her while you read a book, go for a walk/drive, get a mani/pedi, something short that you can be back in time for her to wake. Also, start to control your urges to rush to her when she fusses with your husband, he's capable of handling the situation. If he needs help, he'll ask. Please trust me on this, I never let my husband deal with fuss, because "Mommy knew better" and now when there's any type of nonharmony (is that a word?), he won't even try to deal. Also, it puts a lot of undeserved stress on you. Whatever you do, know that you are a good mom. You love your little one enough to know that you need some "mommy time" to be better for her. Good Luck finding a balance, it's difficult, but can be done. Just remember that you and your husband are partners, it's attachment PARENTING, not attachment mommying.

You sound just like me. I am an AP mom of a 3 year old and a 1 year old. We tandem nurse and co-sleep with our baby full-time and part-time with our 3 year old. I started taking a class 2 nights a week. Eventually I want to go to school full-time so I'm just doing prereqs but I think it's more about me getting out of the house a little on my own. It's really hard to be a full-time mom and even harder when you put the whole burden of raising your daughter on your shoulders alone. Let your husband help you. You need a break, even if it's just Starbucks for 20 minutes. Join a book club, join a meetup group, etc. Showers are hard, AP or not! None of us get relaxing showers anymore! Your baby might like to play in the tub while you shower. Mine does. Nobody should be expected to do something 24/7 w/o even a break, no matter what the profession. It took me a long time to be ok with leaving my kids at home with my husband and I finally got over it. You will too. It may take a while to get used to going out of the house without your daughter but you will appreciate those times. Especially while you only have one baby. Two is a whole new ballgame!

I know that feeling much too well. Whenever you have to walk away from the baby while your husband is with her, go out of the house. Go shopping. Sit at your neighborhood cafe and bring a magazine. Go back when it is time for her feeding.

It is hard to not jump with everything she needs when hear her fuss. But if you aren't there, then you'll never know and hear her. So the guilt lessens.

If you go on like this (feeling burnt out), you may start resenting what you and your husband beautifully started. You may get angry and that will put you in a position not to enjoy the present.

And also, you'll have to trust that your husband will do the right thing. It is hard, because I was the same way. But a showered and revitalized Mommy is a way better one than an angry burnt out one.

Good Luck
:-)M.
http://www.chicagonista.com
http://www.meetup.com/chicagonista

Everyone here has great advice. Listen to it.

Most importantly you need to take time for yourself in any way that you can. For some reason this is hard for us moms to do. Dads can plop down on the sofa and watch their sports oblivious to the world around them, but not us, we hear everything.

Now that the weather is getting nicer, have him take her and just go for a walk in the neighborhood. Don't put her in the stroller, go by yourself. Just enjoy the weather and being outside.

I admire your dedication to go with attachment parenting. I tried the co-sleeping, but never got enough sleep, so we didn't do it for long. Be sure to keep in mind that you have to stick to what works for you and if something doesn't work out, that's ok.

M.

My only thought was maybe to not co-sleep for naps. This time would help break up your day and give you a well deserved break in the middle of the day. You could nurse her to sleep in your bed and then slip away and have some time to yourself. Not having a break from wake up to bed time is a LONG time to go without a reprieve. You can still be an attachment parent without being right next to your child 100% of the time. Also you have to allow your husband to get to know your little one. He will learn how to calm her and tend to her needs. It may help if you leave the house, go shop, get a coffee etc, or have your husband take her out, maybe for a walk etc. I totally know what it is like to not want to hear your child fuss or cry and to want to be the sole provider. I guess now that I am on #2 I realize I can't do it all alone and without any breaks. Maybe just start with one thing a day and build on it. Also things will seem to be so much better when you can go longer periods without nursing. I feel so strapped to my kids the first year because of the exclusive nursing. You will find your balance.... :)