Mom with a 9Year Old w/Performance Anxiety/Stage Fright??????

I took dancing lessons for 9 years as a child. I got stage fright once and couldn't remember the dance. I was taught not to think or worry about performing before I went on stage. Instead, I was taught to focus on how I looked and felt about myself, fix my hair, makup, etc.

With a boy, I would focus on how he feels about himself, his clothes, maybe a splash of cologne, looking at himself in the mirror, maybe something good to eat (not too close to the game). Tell him not to think about the game, that he did that in practice and tell him that you trust in him that he will remember what to do when he gets out there. Take his mind off the issue and focus on how he feels about himself.

Hi,
I'm a performer/musician who has always struggled w/ performance anxiety, and as a kid was pretty freaked out when I played sports(my family is a huge sports family!!) or went on stage (which I did often) - a lot of it had to do w/ my parents and their expectations of me. I had tied in my self-worth with my performance (I was praised for doing well, thus I sought more praise and pushed myself to do better). I should note that I was quite good at many things.

My dad was controlling and verbally abusive though and my mom tolerated it. I always felt like it was my job to make everyone happy -- which is impossible.

I dropped out of music for ten years because I couldn't take the pressure that I put on myself (and others put on me). Now I'm an adult and have a band w/ my hubby - who is extremely supportive -- and a huge reason why I've figured all this out. I do it because I love it now, not because I'm expected to do it.

I say let your son have some time off from performance type things and then let him choose what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I literally made myself sick over this stuff as a kid. Also, get a good family therapist. I'm sure if you ask here that you can get some great referrals.

I'll leave you with a true story about a man I know (who is now in his 60's). He was 8 years old and had just started playing baseball. He pitched six hitless innings, hit a homerun and then in the last inning he caught a pop fly, ran to second and tagged the base then threw the ball to first to get the other runner out (made a triple play!) Still, he walked off the field and never played another game: he didn't like the pressure.

I strongly suggest you get professional help for your son. Anxiety and possible depression are very treatable and your son will be much happier which is what you want. See a child psychologist or psychiatrist for help with this. This is probably devastating for your son. The therapist you saw did not do his job. Go to another one. We had very good luck when our child was depressed. Good luck to you and be persistent. You have to fight for your child. Good luck.

You could look into flower essences, specifically Rescue Remedy (sometimes called 5-flower remedy), this is great for stage fright or performance anxiety. Look it up on the web at www.flowersociety.org, or Bach Flower Essences.

Yes it does sound like performance anxiety, but maybe give the kid a choice, since he is getting older, too? Maybe if he could choose another activity, & felt in control of it, he might not have so much anxiety? Just a thought...it's hard to know what to do, but have faith that you & he gave it the best try you could & maybe it's time to do something else...(as far as baseball goes---obviously you can't do this for school!)

Hope this helps...

My son and I both have milder forms of this problem. For me it is public speaking that is the worst. I break out in a cold sweat, my hands shake and my voice shakes. Sports, performing and anything else that puts me in the spotlight are also very difficult and anxiety producing for me.

My son also resists playing sports even though he loves it and is one of the better players. It is definitely the worst at the beginning of the season. He only cries when he plays badly though, like striking out or missing a catch. But even that has faded now that the season is almost over.

Let your ped know what the therapist said and see if there is anyone else they can recommend. Try calling around too. I think you need to find someone who specializes in anxiety disorders in children.

Good luck!

Hi R.,

I have an 11 year old daughter who has the same anxiety issues as your son. We noticed it during her pre-school years. She would cry all the time, before pre-school, then Kindergarten.
Esp. if there was something new, that was the worst.

At times, she would get so stressed out that she would get paralized and not move. We did get her assessed several times and they all said the same thing. She is extremely shy, has high anxiety and needs time to warm up to everything.(They even called it a phobia)

The therapist did give us tips on how to tackle this fear. One that works well for us is at anytime we find her in a new situation, we talk about it a lot. Sometimes 6 months to a year before it happens. she needs tons of time to process any event and get ready for it.
Put her in a situation where she has to meet new people. We have her competing in swim meets where she cries the night before, and during her first two races on the first day. (imagine a girl with googles filled with water hunched over on the blocks) After the first two races she is better, and laughing with her team-mates.

She's a strong swimmmer and she now has goals to swim at college level. She has been swimming for a year and a 1/2, 5 days a week and a meet at least once a month. But even at this level, she still cries or becomes very moody before a competition.(there are still so many stories to tell!)

This is who she is, yet I have found that she is much braver now than she was when she was nine. We are finally sending her away to sleep away camp this summer and she is looking forward to it. We had to make arrangements with another swimmer so she will room with a friend who she is really comfortable with.

My best advice to you is, baby steps.... he'll get it. Don't give in to his fears. Because it sounds like he likes baseball and is good at it! Consistency and repetition is good, it does get better as they mature.

It's always a plus to have a coach who is sensitive to children like ours. We were fortunate to have a wonderful coach who really works with her and has tons of patience.
he goes out of his way to communicate with her and praise her.
This also helped her with her anxiety, and far as she is concerned, her coach walks on water.

Please give him a big hug from me, it's really hard for children with high anxiety to accomplish daily things that many children don't even think about.

Good luck and stay strong,
T. P.

Strange that a therapist would say they'd never heard of that. I think it's pretty common. I don't have any great ideas but keep researching. I know Donny Osmond suffered terrible stage fright for a few years (you may be too young to know about him), and he finally cured himself. From what I know withdrawing or avoidance makes the anxiety worse in the long run.

Our son has similar behavior, not to the extreme as your son but our son is younger and we gave in and didn't force him to do anymore sports. My feeling is if we had made him continue he would have cried the entire time and ended up hating it. It started with my son when he was in t-ball at age 3, when a parent yelled at him for not being in the outfield. It was a very disorganized team with all the parents as coaches. He never wanted to step on the field again. We were only able to get him to participate in one other sport after that but that was because we were there by his side. We thought by taking him to watch my cousin's son play soccer he would want to start (at age 5) but that backfired because the coach was yelling at his own child that was not playing to his expectations (they were only 7). Even though he is good at baseball and soccer, he refuses to play on a team. He will only play with our family or neighborhood friends. He has finally agreed to swim classes, soccer and tennis this summer but this is because his sister will be playing on the same team as him. We have the same problem at church, he cries the entire time we take him to children's church unless he knows for sure that one of his friends will be there. I don't know if your son had a similar experience as our son or if having a good friend with him helps but definitely try it if you haven't already. You will get every range of advice here from us mom's-- push him, make him go, let him have time off, etc.... but only you know what's best for your son. So read our comments, discuss them with your son's father and ask God to show you what is best for your son. I can tell you from my experience, I loved to play sports but playing on a team in Jr. H.S. turned me to where I would not play another team sport again. I could not take the pressure of letting my teammates down. Solo sports were fine but any team sports weren't fun for me, there was so much pressure that it wasn't fun. The pressure was not only from my coach and teammates but the pressure I put on myself-- I never received pressure from my parents. My son's issues are probably completely different than yours but I felt I needed to share our history and the idea of having a good friend involved in the sport with him. God Bless you and your family.

Start praying with him and for him. Teach him how to pray and speak the Word out of his mouth when fear tries to come upon him. "God didn't give me a spirit of fear! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! He will never leave me or forsake me!" Just an example.
If he knows what God says to do about it that will give him the power and authority to handle the situation.
Don't let him quit activities, if he cries let him. Then pray with him afterward and talk about what he could have done instead. What scripture could he have said instead of crying?

God bless you and your family.