Mom Seeing Advice on on to Get Along with Co-workers

I had the same problem at work. I had a ...well still have...a terrible boss so it took me a while to learn that it wasn't just me she was mistreating, it was everyone. So little by little I broke out of my shell and as people go to know me they liked me. I do tend to keep to myself, and yes a lot of people say hi one day and not the next, but I take it with a grain of salt. I try to look at how I'm acting around them too. It does feel like high school a lot so I just try not to say anything that I wouldn't want repeated to someone else. It takes a while to learn who to trust and who not to. It took me a while to feel like I fit in at work and it's taken some time and effort but I feel like I do more so then when I first started.

B.,

I have been in that exact situation as you describe. You are doing the right thing by just staying out of the catfights and complaining. It is noticed by management, believe me. Your life would be doubly worse if you were suddenly on the bad side of a manger and then they had it out for you. You can be pleasant with your co-workers, keep everything related to work, but do not, really, do not complain about your boss, the business or anything like that. It will come back to haunt you. Someone can be your confident one day, and stabbing you in the back the next to save their own reputation. You have the right attitude, you are there to work, not make friends. Life gets awful when you suddently get drawn into office politics. Best of luck to you.

S.

B.-

You're not alone. I've often felt that way about not fitting in - perhaps I've chosen a profession in which my personality is so different than other people's, and that excludes me.

I now work in a company that is very male dominated. I am the only woman in my division, and I have very few women in the company with whom to relate. There are a few people elsewhere that I've gravitated towards primarily because of our common interests.

Work place politics stink, and the lack of professionalism continue to stun me.

Good luck.

Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that it's best to be like you are being. I have a few people at work that I would call :friend" but most are just co-workers. I think it's always best to stay professional, avoid the rumormill and be kind and helpful to everyone but not too revealing about personal issues. I think it's very difficult to work with women, as opposed to men. Women, in general, need to learn to be more accepting and supportive of other women. Wonder why that doesn't happen? Good luck! Hang tough. I don't think you're being anti-social. Aftr all you're at a job to WORK, not be everyone's buddy, right?

It's really impossible to say, because I don't know you or the women you work with. I'm sure there are a bazillion exceptions, but my experience is that people tend to mirror back to me generally the same kind of energy I'm putting out.

You may prefer to stay in relative isolation, and that's fine. But if you are any combination of tense, reclusive, un-smiling, curt, shy, cool or the like, people will probably assume you don't want to be included, or even worse, that you don't like them.

I tend to be introverted, but I work pretty consciously at being relaxed, positive, and friendly, and I have found the women around me in most of my jobs to be relaxed, friendly, and inclusive. I was told at one job, after I had made friends a month or two in, that people thought I was stuck up when I first started. I think that was their interpretation of my tension coming into a new social situation.

Anyway, if you want to be more a part of the gang, you'll probably need to make the first moves. And perhaps this particular gang is not one you'd like to be part of.

Definitely keep to yourself and don't get involved in the petty office drama. What usually happens if there is any kind of "lay-offs" you will be the first one they keep and the others will be first to go. Trust me, this is what I've learned from experience...no boss wants a constant complainer or someone who is stirring the pot. Just be cordial; polite, and professional.

Good Luck!

B.,

There is a woman in my office who “thinks”, she never changes, is always congenial and smiling, never complains or speaks badly about anyone, especially management. The truth is she is the most disingenuous person I’ve ever met in the work place. She would do anything to keep her job and try to impress the big boss. She greets everyone as if she’s known them for years (this includes mail man, janitorial staff, visitors, etc.); and asks very personal questions immediately. She says she’s just trying to “make conversation”. She is disliked by some and others just think she’s kind of nutty. She tries to butt into work situations where she does not belong…again to impress management. It doesn’t work, but she doesn’t seem to get it.

When she started here, she shared with me that the women she last worked with “just didn’t like her”. One of them actually told her so. She was stunned and just couldn’t figure out “why” because she was such a nice person, hard worker, willing to do any job and “never” complained. I have gone through stages of speaking to her and not speaking to her at all. This year I made the decision to just say good morning, I’m leaving for lunch now and good night. That works best for me.

You mentioned you sometimes feel like you are in high school….do you think you might be trying to be “teacher’s pet”.

So if you see any of these qualities in your co-workers or yourself, it might be time for a change or a transfer; or to honestly decide what you can do to make things better.

Blessingss….

I don't think it is you at all. I think you just got stuck with a bum group of people. I am in a similar situation. I have had other jobs and always got along great with co-workers and even made life-long friends. But the group of people (mostly women) that I work with now is so different. They can be pleasant on the surface, but there is no sense of comradery in our group. There is lots of whispering going on some days and every once in a while a couple of the women really go at it. There always seems to be a feeling of tension. So I have decided to lay low and just be pleasant and I might join in a conversation about favorite recipes, but otherwise I just keep to myself. It's a bummer because it makes going to work more dull. I miss the jobs where I had good friends to talk to at work, and I don't have that here. I have thought about quitting, but I work part-time, so it would be hard to find another part-time job. Sorry I am not giving you any real words of wisdom, but if you're not in a position to switch jobs, just try to be nice, but keep your distance too. Good luck!

Be true to yourself. If you think you could make more of an effort to be friendly, then step up that part of your game. Random acts of kindness might help too. But some people are just toxic. Its hard to know until you've tried, so don't give up yet. However, if you feel like you're going out on a limb to be friendly day after day and being either shot down or ignored then you can rest assured that it isn't your problem but theirs. Some people never grow out of high school social circles and that nonsense.

Oh, boy, I remember those days. I say just keep to yourself, but be polite and try tostay out of the politics and drama. My best piece of advice is to never say anything negative about anyone...period. It will come back at you, eventually. Remain neutral, I know that it can be very hard to do when you are there so much. I worked as a legal secretary for almost 20 years before becoming a stay at home mom and I don't miss the politics of the office. Honestly, I'd go back to work, but the thought of working with women, sickens me. I've had several jobs during my career and I found that women are much worse to work with or work for than men. I think it's just women in general. My hubby who is in engineering says that his female office staff are very petty and feel self-important. They're nice to you in your face then stab you in the back, not to mention the bitchiness down right nastiness of some. You are not alone, trust me. You are probably one of the only few "normal" sensible and reasonable women in that office--be proud of that.

M.

Hi B.,
No you are not anti -social. Women co-workers can be opinionated, clickish and be judgmental as it seems to appear you have been witnessing and experiencing this type of behavior first hand. I would not talk about anything personal or give any opinions about problems at work regarding management or otherwise. The girlfriends you have outside of work are a good place to vent and talk openly.You can trust your own friends not women put into a work enviroment arena where anybody and everybody will talk gossip between themselves and others betraying confidences thinking this will get them ahead. It is like a balancing act in progress. Stay out of all the office politics. I would have to agree with you and what you have been comfortable doing.
On your same page,
Mary

You are there to work... Make a little note to yourself if that will support you.

It would be more fun if everybody could become a team and have the same goal, but it sounds like these other workers are not being led or managed very well. Sounds like you have different goals.

You are doing what you are supposed to do, just stay out of all of that mess. You sound like a great employee to me.