Mom of Only Child, Dealing with Loneliness

I am a mother of an only child. He is 5 and seems to do fine playing by himself. We just started play dates and he looks forward to them. My husband is the active one with him and it works out. I take him to indoor activities and dad dose the outside things. He seems satisfied.

Truthfully hun, I think you're being a little "high maintenance" lol. You're being too hard on yourself! Sure, you can be a playmate some of the time, but your son has to realize that you are the mom first and foremost, and as such you have things to do that supercede being his buddy.

My daughter is 8, and it took quite a while for her to accept that I can't be called upon all the time to play Candyland or to push her on the swings... we would set aside time every day, twice a day or more to play, but I would also set aside time to do chores around the house and YES! to have some time for myself to read or watch TV or do whatever I wanted to do for a break.

I have a sister, only 4 years older than me, but I learned to entertain myself because a lot of the time she didn't want to play with me. I think as parents of only children we tend to want to be everything for our child (parent, sibling, best friend) but it would be doing them a disservice. They need to learn to just be themselves, and we need to be just the parent.

Good luck!!

I also have an only child, and like you, I would like another, but it hasn't happened yet. My son is almost 3, and he is my constant companion. I'm lucky that he still naps 2 1/2 - 3 hours a day, so I get my alone time then, but even if he doesn't nap, he still knows he has to spend time in his bed every afternoon. He can play with his stuffed animals or look at books, but he has to have some quiet time. I find that I get kind of grumpy if I don't have a little time to myself, so I'm pretty firm about instituting the quiet time every day.

I also use the timer when I have to get things done while he's awake. I say I'll play with you until the timer goes off, then I need to start dinner, or do dishes, or whatever. Every once in a while he has a tantrum when the timer goes off, but he's usually pretty good.

The other thing I do when I have to get things done is let him "help." I'll give him his own pile of laundry to fold, or his own dust rag, and he loves to imitate. If I'm fixing dinner, he loves to "do the dishes," and will play forever with the (unbreakable) dishes in the sink.

Anyway, I know how you feel. Some days my son plays very well by himself, and other days he is constantly underfoot and asking me to play with him. I try to get time to myself when I can, and if I don't get it during the day, I "disappear" for a while when my husband get home.

Good luck!
E.

I know what you mean, but let me assure you, having another child will not make your life easier. I have two sons and am glad that they have each other, but they fight as much as they play. I think back to life before I had my second and things seemed so calm back then! I think as humans we don't appreciate the advantages until they are gone. I know that having siblings does free yourself up some from having to play with them, but I don't know if that is such a good thing. I have to make myself get involved and play with my kids, because I think it is important, but it is easy just to let them do their thing, and I wonder about the time I miss. While you still just have one, keep in mind it is such a blessing that he has you to play with - some kids are in foster care, abandoned, abused, etc. so he is not at a disadvantage just because he doesn't have a sibling.

I do feel for you, I know what you mean about being everyone to everybody, but just try to prioritize and let some things go. Have your husband take over while you get out at least once a week if possible for your "me time." Your house does not need to be perfect, and I'm sure when you have more kids, only then will you truly understand what I mean that it only gets more hectic, not less.

Good luck!

The best thing for me and my son has been the Mother's Day Out program at a local church. He goes three times a week for a half day. He gets to play with the other kids (and learn too) and I get some down time. I really like the MDO program. It's so much better than sticking him in front of the tv just so I could get things done. I don't think you're high maintenance at all. Being a mom is the hardest job I've ever had! :-)

Hi Melissa,

There isn't a mom out there who doesn't feel as you do. As someone else mentioned, I too got into a mom's coop to take the kids one day a week for 4 hours - morning as afternoons are usually reserved for naps. Our girls started this at the age of 1.5 and now at three we are still having our coop.

I didn't know the moms terribly well. We all belonged to the same playgroup. The playgroup emailed to see if any of the moms would be interested in doing this. Three of us were, so we met at a coffee house and talked about what was important to us. Ex. No spanking (of other people's kids anyway), we made sure there were no large dogs such as pitt bulls or Rottweilers in the homes, guns in the house, no sweets as we reserved those for home, no tv - we really wanted this time to be quality time for the kids to play, interact, be read to, have the moms organize coloring for them or other activities. In other words, this one day a week that the mom had the girls would not be spent so she could get things done - that was reserved for the days she didn't have the kids.

Long story short, it worked out beautifully. The time was so appreciated by all. Sometimes I just went to a coffee house and read and drank coffee, other times, I got housework done, but the time was relished either way. Don't get me wrong - I adore my child, but this was really good for both of us. I highly recommend it if you find some people who have similar ideas about taking care of children.

Oh, one more thing, we made our homes open to inspections by the others. None of us had ever been to eachothers houses, so it made us feel much better. I showed them all of the things that they might be concerned about like a high deck in the back yard, but explained that we wouldn't be going out there. We asked questions about things we were concerned about, etc.

I highly recommend it. We did have things along the way we had to deal with, but we handled it carefully and things turned out fine. I ended up with 3 really good friends as did my daughter.

Good luck to you!

M.

I'm a bit late, but I consider myself an expert in finding creative ways in getting things done. I am mom to a 3 yr old and 2 year old. I manage my husband's HVAC business (which means I do everything he can't or doesn't want to)and is a full time job. I also handle the housework. So, I am a bit busy. I do not have a maid and kids are in day care while I am at work, but otherwise they are with me. I have to do all my housework with them around, so I feel your frustration. Please know that siblings do not play or entertain each other as you believe. They fight! So, instead of getting things done, you are constantly breaking them up and being the peace maker and preventing injuries. So, I learned quick that you have to get them involved or distracted. I clean my bathroom by letting them clean my garden tub. I let them turn on the water and I give them each a rag and a mini bottle of soap. They have a ball and I get the rest of the room doen without any distractions, plus they are in the same room and I can make sure that all is well. Now for my bedroom. I have the my son vacuum, (he loves it, but I have to watch him) my daughter is scared of the vacuum, so she gets on the bed and I let her dust the end tables. I put clothes away and clean around the room and then help son finish. By then daughter is done and I have them take all the vacuum and broom and dusters, hampers etc.. into dining room. while I make the bed. Once in the dining room, I give them each a sprayer and a rag. They are in charge of cleaning off the table. THey reallyl just make a mess, but they are busy while I sweep and dust. Then as I have them move things to next room, I wipe down the table. All the wetness does soften up any stuck on things and I can get it off easier. In the living room, I have kids pick up any toys and take to their rooms. Once they do that then the each get to take turns jumping on my work out trampoline. I then dust and vacuum and they get to have fun. I have also been know to "chase" them with the vacuum, but that game is better with only one child for safety reasons. As for the laundry, well I have them "sort" it. They basically throw clothes all over the floor and play on them while I pick out what I need and straighten up the room. We then move on to the kitchen. Here I don't have the patience to have them help me wash dishes etc. so, I have them cook while I clean. I have a stash of stuff I pull out. It has a few cups and a bowls and a tuperware container of dry beans, rice, noodles, and corn. I then get them spoons and I let them have fun with that. They pour it from container to container and scoop it and yes it gets everywhere, but it is cheap and easy enough to sweep up. So, I get the dishes done and a meal started and then I sweep it all up and let them help clean up their mess and I usually send them to gather trash. I have shown them how and they work together to do it, but one child could do this as well. Then we head to their bathroom and they take a bath or clean their tub while i clean up their bathroom. Then they change into pj's and I have them clean their own rooms if they want to watch a video or read a book with mommy. They usually do it half heartedly, but they do it and I help. Then afterwards, they get quality time with me to read or play. They enjoy the time and so do I because I can relax and enjoy them. They also feel as though they are helping and doing their part and I hope to continue that as they get older so that all they know is helping with chores and won't question why they suddenly have to do it. I feel having them participate even a little teaches them that, we have to work to get the things we want and that everyone needs to do their part. If you set this up as a routine like me, then it doesn't really take all that long and the house stays fairly clean and kids begin to know the routine and are able to handle it better. My kids now know that the first thing we do when we get home is take off our shoes and sit down for a snack. i don't have to tell them they know what to expect. This goes for the cleaning routine. Every afternoon when we get home we do some variation of this cleaning routine. I may not clean as in depth, but we pretty much do a run through of the house and if one room doesn't need a vacuum then we don't do it, but it all usually doesn't take more than 45 minutes daily and about 2 hours on Saturday/Sunday. I hope this helps you get things done, but also gives you time for your little one and don't be surprised if they get bored with it all and drift off on their own to play rahter than help. Mine do that too although not together. Always one or the other. I try not to yell or get upset about them wanting my attention, I just explain the way things are. I need to get this done then I can play with you, do you want to help or play on your own? If my kids act up to get my attention and keep distracting me from doing what I need, then I send them to their room where they can stay until they decide to come out and act appropriately. Any tantrums or acting up = room time alone. They usually choose to act well and participate. Hope this helps you get things done and feel as though you aren't depriving your little one. As for me time, well, I take them to granny's or I have been known to (when I am at my wits end) to tell hubby, you are on your own and walk out of the living room and locked myself into my bedroom. I soaked in the tub and watched a DVD while I pampered myself. I then called hubby on the phone and asked that he "deliver" me a ready to go salad, which he did and I sat in bed and ate while watching another DVD. He handled the kids and put them to bed. I thanked him completely that night and the next morning everyone felt refreshed!! Sometimes, the kids need you to take a break too, so don't feel guilty when you do. Hope this helps & Good luck!

Could you enter your child in a daycare a couple times a week so you could have alone time and your child could have interaction with other children?

You don't say how old your child is but school will begin someday soon and your problem will be solved so hang in there! :)

When I was still a single mom, I would allow one hour a day to do wnatever my girl wanted and then explain house chores to her and there importance. After a week or so, she wanted to "help" so I would give her jobs that doubled as a way to get her out of my hair, like organizing all the Tupperware (had some old ones) then I would "put them up" and be so proud of her for helping then she started getting things out of the pantry for me, watering the flowers while I raked. We also got a puppy and she would go outside and play with it for about an hour before getting bored.

Melissa, you have gotten so many good ideas about spending time with your son, but I have one more. When my first daughter was small, I had a friend with twins, and I thought she was so lucky, because they had each other to play with from the very beginning. Even as I had my other kids, they did play together, but they weren't the same ages, so they definitely were not each others best friends. What I did do, was hook up with some moms from our church, and exchanged kids for the afternoon. The kids had fun, and I got some work done. If there are children from the playgroups that your son seems to have a connection with, make better friends with the moms, and see if they might be interested in this. Just knowing that you will have every Thursday afternoon free to get stuff done makes a big difference. When their child comes over, please do not make a big deal about cleaning the house, etc. With a friend there for your son to play with, its a big help. Just have some healthy snacks available, and an area for them to play safely. Believe me, the kids don't care if the house is clean! Hopefully you and the other moms will become even better friends, and you can trade ideas about parenting, etc.

Hi Melissa,
You are not 'high maintainence', you are tired. I had 4 children in 9 yrs, no family nearby, and in a new city where I didn't know a soul. I know what tired and lonely are. You mention church, there must be some moms if only a couple who would agree to trade babysitting with you. We formed a group babysitting co-op. Each mom started out with the same number of tickets which denoted hour and half hour time periods. We exchanged telephone numbers and names of children and their ages. Instead of paying with money, we paid in tickets. That afforded each of us to get away from our kids and get our hair cut or go to lunch with a friend. Plus the added advantage of having a child come to play with your own. See if there are moms-even 2-who would give that a try. The other advantage is that you always knew how much babysitting you had available.

My first child was a very social one and though very bright, did not play anything alone. I could not go to the bathroom without her company or she lay on the floor outside the bathroom door so she could keep visiting. I didn't think of this idea back then, but perhaps you might try it. Set a kitchen timer for 5 mins. and play/do something with him using the timer. Tell him that was his 5 min turn, now it is your 5 min turn. Put the timer where he can hear it and tell him he must wait to join you when the timer goes off. Do that for several days, so he can see that he can do without you for that short length of time. Then tell him he is getting so good at the taking turns game, move it up to 7, then 10 mins. On alternating turns, instead of entertaining him, have him help you with your chores. Buy him a little broom and mop. Give him washcloths to fold, socks to match. He can use his turn to put his books/toys away. You didn't mention how old he is, so I don't know if this is age appropriate, but: tell him to put the red toys away, then the blue toys, etc. That will teach him colors. Let him select a certain number of blocks or books to be used that day, Sesame Street style. Today is "7" day. 7 books,7 grapes,7 crayons, 7 minute turns. If he cannot read, draw a simple picture so he can see the list of what you will be doing this morning. If it is laundry, draw a sock and t-shirt, then a timer with a #6, then a vacuum, then a timer with a #6 and story book, peanuts and banana, etc. Let him help you in food prep, placing raisins/orange slices, cheese, crackers or whatever in the number chosen for the day. As this becomes familiar, you will be able to have him prepare the snack without your help and that will be his turn to use his time without you. Yes, this is incredibly slow learning, but in a few days, he will see that you are giving him manageable periods of time that he can be busy without your attending him. As he learns to master a puzzle, have him put the puzzle together without your help during his timed turn then show you his "work" when the timer sounds. After the laundry has been sorted, hold the basket and have him stand on a chair while you hold the basket and he empties the dirty clothes into the washer, then as that is done, drop the clothes a few at a time onto the dryer door and have him throw them in the dryer. Repeat for unloading. Place the dry clothes on the dryer door and have him drop them into the basket to be taken and folded. Show him a 2 step folding process when beginning. While he is learning, No matter the quality of the work, tell him he is helping and how great it is to have help. Then you can play something together. Remember to alternate together and alone turns, work and play turns. Raising a child is hard, repetitive, exhausting work. Take some vitamins/minerals. Though it is slow going at first, it will pick up speed soon. Be strong and of a good courage. This too shall pass.
Let some of the housecleaning slide. Don't worry, it will still be right there waiting on you next month. Just "hit the high spots" (what's most important). LOL C.

I also have an only child and would like more. I was where you were at one time, and signed my daughter up for a 3-morning-a-week preschool. She really needed the opportunity to interact with other kids without me around. Her interaction style is totally different with me and without me, so I think that time is important for her. It's different from playdates because I'm there for playdates. Separation was difficult for her for awhile at first, but she did fine once I left--and learned so much too. I didn't put her in the program for an academic reason, as she was only 3, and I think play is more important right now, but the things she's learned have been a "bonus." I also agree with others that the personality of the child makes a difference too--I always thought that other only children played on their own more than mine! She will be 4 in a few months and is now doing more playing on her own.

I loved having her in preschool. I even got a pedicure one day! Now I am working full time again, so I'm always scrambling to fine more time with her.

let him be involed in helping you clean and cook there are small jobs he can do ,just sit back and think of your daily routine ,,most children like to be involed ,so think os small ways he can help you ,get the butter out of frig ,set the table ,get the trash containers in one spot,add things to your cooking ,then there is the V-TECH video for children ages 3 and up it will teach them there colors ,shapes,letters.numbers ect
hope it helps
L.

I have an only child who is now a teenager. It was hard when he was younger. When I worked full time he had his friends at school and night time was fine as he wanted some down time and I was able to cook and get the house tidied. When he as 5 I became a stay at home mom. Your child is now 4 and this is a great age. You can play lots of useful games with him. One of my son's favorite games with me when I was trying to cook was to play hotel. He would get a towel on his arm and bring me water or soda and then ask to help with cooking. My son loved to help get lunch or dinner ready, and still does. He would toss the salad (some messes, but more successes), set the table, help me stir the pots, spread the peanut butter on bread, pour the batter for pancakes, etc. We have lots of photos of him helping clean too. Make the cleaning look fun. He used to want to vaccum and mop the floor. Granted it was not a great job, but it gave him a sense of accomplishment and he was so proud of himself. I only wish this part had continued . . as a teen does not rush to help and has be forced to just do his room. You will find that your child will grow up and really enjoy being with you and your husband.

Pros of only children. My son is mature and well mannered (most of the time). His vocabulary when he as younger was terrific due to his exposure to adults. He his very well travelled (Europe and the Islands, not to mention the USA). He is a typical teenager in every way. Does well in school, has a great group of friends and this past year has started dating (sophmore year). We are very close and he talks with me about what's going on in his life. I know he does not always take my advice, but he listens and we talk about a wide variety of of topics. Several of his friends call me MOM2 and we have discussions on my of the same subjects my son and I talk about.

As I get older I wish he had a sibling, but I wonder if we would have the relationship we have now if that had happened. He has many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. and is in contact with them on a weekly basis, via cell phone, IM, etc.

Enjoy you son and don't worry so much about a clean house. You only get this time once and from experience I can tell you when it's gone you will sorely miss it. I sometimes find myself during the day watching SpongeBob or Rugrats. Hope this helped.

Hi Melissa,
I have a 15 month very active son who I stay home with. I know how you feel. I have a bucket of toys in every room in our house so when I am cooking dinner, putting cloths away, cleaning, ...he is occupied. This has helped me a whole lot. I have also realized that if one or two rooms don't get vaccumed right when I want to, it is no big deal. If the cloths sit in the laundry until the weekend, it is not that big of a deal. My son is growing fast and I am taking advantage of the times he wants me while I can. All those other things we do during the are just things. They will be there waiting to get done when we are ready.

B.
www.MoreForMyBaby.com

My daughter (2) is always asking me to play and like you, I am running around trying to get house work done, lunch fixed, dinner started or something along those lines. I just try to get her involved in what I am doing. I phrase it in a way that makes her feel needed like "Aly, I need your help, can you clean this for me?". She has her own water bottle and will walk around cleaning the table, her toys, anything that can get wet without being damaged and that buys me some time to get some cleaning done. She also has a play kitchen and sometimes I will ask her if she can make me something to eat. She will go and "prepare" it for me and I will pretend to eat. You just have to get creative. You can still be involved in the play without having to sit right next to him. Good luck to you.

Hi Melissa-

As the mother of 3, I can tell you that what you are feeling is not a result of having an only child, it is the result of being a mom! My oldest two are age 6 and 4 and while they do play together some, they want mommy to be involved too.

The best advice I can offer to you is to adopt a schedule that allows you some time each day to get the NECESSARY housework done while your son either naps, plays in his room or watches a video. You have to be reasonable about the amount of time that he'll be content alone and you have to only worry about the important housework. Your house will not be spotless, but as long as there are clean clothes to wear and the house is reasonably clean you have to just let the rest go. As far as you needing alone time the only suggestion I have is to find help watching your son. Either your husband, a friend or a mother's day out program.

If I'm reading your profile correctly, your son is 4 years old? Are you going to be enrolling him in some kind of preschool program?

Good Luck,
K.

Hi Melissa,
Two years ago I could have posted this e-mail. My daughter is now 6 1/2 and I can tell you it gets better. Eventually they become a little more independent (saw this happen at around 5 1/2 for her), and you will feel like you have quite a bit of time for yourself. Also, one thing that really helps for us even now is remindng ourselves of our family first rule...if all the other outside things are tipping off our family's balance, we remind ourselves that our resonsibilities to our immediate family's well-being come before any outside relationships and responsibilities. Keeping it very simple like that takes the pressure off for us and gives us extra time to play and be with our daughter...to just cherish the time we have with her now before it is gone. Hope you find what you need to cope with your circumstances!

Dear Melissa,

Even if you have two,three,four children does not necessarily mean they will entertain one another. Often times they are such different personalities that they fight, especially to get the most of Mom's attention.

Best of everything.

R.

My son who is also four is constantly (24/7) trying to get my attention. Right now as I type he is saying, "Mom look what I am doing." He has two younger sisters but wants me to be paying attention at all times. My nearly 2 year old daughter on the other hand, plays for long periods of time all on her own and often is just happy if she is in the same room as I am. I think it all depends on their personalities. My son is "high maintance" as far as attention goes while my daughter is "high maintance" because she is SO mischevious and into anything and everything. I wish I had advice on how to make your son happy playing on his own but at least now you know you are not alone. I will be reading the other responses for ideas on how to get mine to play on his own.

Kids need to be able to play by themselves, your son is no exception. Maybe it would be good for him to go to daycare a couple days a week, full days, to be around other children. He doesn't need constant companionship even if he thinks he does (its just what he's use to). I have a similar situation with my step daughter, sometimes I feel like Richard Pryor in "The Toy".... I love her dearly but I'm putting a stop to it because with a baby on the way she needs to learn that she can't monopolize my time.

Here is what I'm getting:
http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Resources-LER6900-Time-Tra...

Its a kids timer and can be used for anything you need them aware of time doing. When she is with us, I'm going to give her time with me each day to play whatever she wants, probaby 15-30 minutes depending on what is going on. We'll set the timer together so she knows what it symbolizes, then when it goes off play time is over for me and I have to do "grown up" stuff or I get my own time, and she has to play on her own.

Her dad is good at letting me be the playmate and going and doing his own thing when she is with us. Its making me a little resentful so I know I need to step up and take my time back so that I get things done that I need to. One thing I'm also trying, is letting her do things with me like when I clean I let her dust, and I let her help me cook dinner. She's actually a little bit of help, not much, but the little bit she does is worth the happiness I see in her that she is helping me.

I am a mother of an adult only child and so is my sister. We often kid that our children suffer from OCS (Only Child Syndrome). I am very pleased at my decision to only have one. My son and I have a bond that is so amazing and while we did struggle with some of the problems you are dealing with, we didn't have to deal with sibling rivalry and all those complications. I spent a lot of time getting to know my son's likes and dislikes and helped him find his passion at an early age. He was fascinated with all things mechanical. I bought lots of toys and books that appealed to him. As he grew older, I often shopped at garage sales for broken appliances that he could take apart. I steered away from babysitting toys as much as possible. He learned at an early age to be comfortable in his own skin and be able to be alone. Let me just remind you the time goes so very fast. Enjoy your time together. He will grow fast and with school and friends, he will gain his independence even more. I can still remember vividly how he was one of the few children on his first day of school that didn't cry. He was eager to play with other children, but independent enough to play alone.
Good luck.
A.