Mom in Holbrook Az

Here's all I'm going to say...congratulations on being clean and sober...that's an amazing accomplishment.

However, if you are going to put things on a blog like this out to the world, you need to have tough enough skin to get back what you get back...

-M

Hi, D.,

Even if you were, and always had been, a nearly perfect Mother of the Year, someone would think it was OK to tell you, very loudly, that you were dead wrong and going to scar your kids for life. Most mothers take their job as Mom very seriously, and that's good, but it sometimes leads to judgemental attitudes about others. Many people are simply unable to see that there might be more than one right answer in any given situation (or more than one wrong one). In their view, if you do anything even a tiny bit differently than they do, you must be wrong and therefore a bad parent. Don't take it personally; realize that they react to everyone that way. It can get really ridiculous. I once had a parent tell me it was "abusive" (her word) to send my first grade daughter to an overnight Girl Scout campout without going with her. I had someone else tell me that I was going to cause my children to be social outcasts at school, and ensure that they'd "never have any friends" (again, her words) if I didn't let them watch a TV program that I found offensive (and refused to watch myself). Just ignore excessive negativity. It won't help you or your kids. And, you can't change other people.

I know that in recovery, you try to make amends for any wrongs you did while using. That's not the same thing as beating yourself up over the past. Whether the custody choices were right or wrong, they're a past reality that no-one can change. Don't spend too much effort - or let other people spend too much effort - trying to figure out if it was the right thing. The important choices will be made NOW and in the FUTURE. Those are what you can control and where your energy should be. Calmly tell that to anyone who wants to argue about the past with you.

Congratulations on every day you stay clean! Congratulations on nearing your very impressive ten year mark! God bless!

S.

Hi D.,

I am so sorry that you were hurt by the responses you received but I applaud your courage to speak up and defend your decision to do what you felt was the best thing to do for your sons and their wellbeing. I also know that drug users are people, too; they have heartache, despair, loneliness, and fall on hard times just like everyone else. Unfortunately, their way of coping, using drugs, never works and it takes a lot of strength to look at yourself honestly enough to realize that help is needed. It takes even more strength to accept help and follow through with the commitment to stay clean. It is a constant struggle and fight to not fall back into the old ways and most can't do it. If you have been clean for over nine years, you should be commended for your achievement, not judged for your past. None of us are qualified to pass judgement on you or anyone else, no one is perfect and no one truly knows your life experience, except you. How can I speak about how you should live your life when I am busy living mine....making mistakes, trying my best to be the best parent I can be? I can't wear your shoes and you can't wear mine but since we are both moms with sons, I can relate to wanting to do what is best for them and it seems you loved your sons enough to get your life together and that couldn't have been an easy decision. I wish you the best of love and luck in your journey to get your sons back. It won't be easy but anything of value that is worth having is worth fighting for and you need not apologize to others for your journey. Stay strong and fight the fight!! Please know that you are not alone and that there are people, like me, rooting for your victory. I will say a prayer for you and send you my most positive "heebie geebies" for luck. You are a valuable and worthy person, deserving of all the best things that life has to offer and that includes being a Mom. Good luck and God bless you!

Y.

I do not have any words of wisdom for you. But I can tell you.. that I was 17 when I placed my daughter for adoption. I knew while pregnant that I was just too young to care for her the way she needed. I knew I was still just a child myself. It took me a very long time to be ready for children.... and after 12 years... I had her brother. I am now 30 and have him. I have a semi-open adoption, which means that I get updates 2 times a year but don't have direct contact with her. By receiving the pictures, I have been able to see how happy she is and what a great life she has led. I have gained peace in my decision and know that I made the right choice for HER. Do I wish her life was with me?? Of course... but she has led the life I wanted her to have.

Anyway.... I wish you the best. And I congratulate you on your sobriety. I know it's a difficult road that you are on and still have ahead of you.

Thank you for sharing your situation. What I can say about this site is that people try to give the best advice that they can to fit different situations. When people post their concerns or problems here, they should not expect everyone who replies to agree with them. All people are from different walks of life and it would be virtually impossible to get everyone on here to agree all the time. In my experience, you post something and gain different points of view in the responses. Use what you can from the responses and judge what works best. The bottom line is that the people who respond do not do so to be critical, just helpful. I hope that the situation with your sons and your family is improving. Just continue to try to be the best possible role model/influence for your sons and seek treatment as appropriate, whether it be through a support group like AA or individual/family counseling.

Best of luck,
J.

God Bless You!!!!! One thing I've learned at 51 is to never say never! It's too easy too judge until you've walked in someone elses shoes. God knows we've all made bad choices in one form or another. I think that turning your boys over had to be one of the hardest things to do and took tremendous love to do it! We've all heard the nightmares of those that raise their kids under the worst of circumstances.

Keep up your hard work, your love and perserverance will win out in time.

I just have to comment on something you said about not being a good mom. Addict or not, it takes a very courageous and selfless person to be able to say "I can't do this" and hand their children over. A "good" mom knows what is best for their children even if that means not living with them. You've admitted to making mistakes, but all you can do now is learn from them. I didn't read your original post, but I can only suggest that you keep as close a relationship to your children as possible, whether they are in your custody or not. Continue to stay clean. YOu should be very proud of yourself.

Hello D.,
I totally understand your frustration and how you feel. Yes, people will either agree or disagree with you. But unless they find themselves in the same situation as you, then it would be a whole lot different answer. I also understand that there are parents out there that will disagree with anything and everything no matter what the situation is. Very negative about things, quick in critizing others and degrading others parenting and their way of raising children. Then there are those who think they know everything but never been in your shoe...it's how it is :) I too, was in the bad divorce, lost contact with family members and relatives after my ex and I lived together. He was very abusive and I was afraid that he could harm my new born son at the time. I had no where else to turn but to the system to take him and keeping him safe till I was able to get back on my feet, and able to find a safer home for the both of us. The system had me sign some forms indicating that it was only temporary. Not permanent. I then met my now husband. We were so inlove from day one but this dark cloud over my head about my messed up situation was in the way. I had to tell him. Surprisingly, he stepped in and took control of the situation. He was a single parent who's ex also took off with another man, leaving him with two little kids, after twelve years of marriage. He gave me a home, stepped in and got my son out of the system, and raised him as his own. Twenty two years later, we are still happily married. I raised his two children as my own. They are all now grown and proudly serving the military. My husband retired from the military, and I decided to join myself. I tell you, God was on my side and life was kind to me. It was a very rough battle and rough life I had. There were times I felt like giving up, don't know where to turn, who to talk to, every advise I got were both criticism and negative, considered bad parenting, etc. I stood my ground and followed my own path. We were blessed with four more boys of our own and they are also now teenagers, doing well in school with grades, and very dedicating in football.
There is a reason for everything and a reason why things happen the way they do for the good. You did what you did because you and only you knew then that it was for the best. This world is so full of judgemental people. We all have a choice and the choice we make either a good one or bad one. Either way, we take that risk to do what's best for ourselves, those we love, our children, etc. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes. We make mistakes to better ourselves, to learn from them, and make positive move forward. We cannot fix what is broken, but we can improve our own future by looking back and realize that we did what we did for the best. No one else was there but you. It's hard for others to understand and know where you are coming from until they are in your shoe...

D., an apology is not necessary. Why should you have to apologize for your own actions/comments or feelings for that matter! I admire your strength. I know women (WOMEN) who have let their kids go into the system & have never bothered trying to get clean, getting clean & staying clean, or fighting for their children back. You sound to me like you have your head & heart in the right places, looking out for the happiness of your kids. I myself put a child up for adoption when I was 16yrs old & I have heard very hurtful comments from people over the years re: my decision. “how could you” “didn’t you love him” “are you really that selfish” etc... No One who hasn't loved a child & let them go knows the pain you feel everyday over that decision. I am 33 now & only wish I had the option to let him know “I let you go because I loved you & knew you deserved better then I had to offer!” you my friend have that opportunity. Any relationship w/ your children you have now is precious, it’s going to take time, for the trust to grow, but it will grow, it’s obvious that’s what you want. You’ve come along way, you know that, you have made the right & necessary changes in yourself & your life to be able to offer your children, YOU. Give them time… give the relationships time. All you can do is show them you’re here now & that’s never going to change! God Bless you & your family.

Hi D.,

I am not an addict but I do attend Families Anonymous meetings to help me cope with my brother-in-law's addiction and family members who continue to enable him. The meetings offer so many important life skills. I hope that you can make it to just one. http://www.familiesanonymous.org/

Reading the responses from your first request for advice, I don't feel that anyone who took the time out to respond meant any harm or animosity towards you. I think it was just how you worded your first request for advice by saying "i need to find out info on how to go about my child intentionally destroying my life"... it initially threw me off. The teen years are hard enough without the extra baggage of drug addiction, I can imagine how much harder it is for all of you to work through the issues. A good counselor or friend would definitely help with some of the behavior problems that you mentioned in your first letter. I hope that you find the peace that you seek for your family.
Best wishes to you.
K.

D.,
Congratulations!!! That is wonderful! you did what most can not do and be selfless! I praise you lady! I have seen kids in places that they should NEVER be, and because of what you did, your kids will look back and know that they and you are better off for it. Keep the communication open with them let them know ALL the time that you love them and will be there for them. Send cards, call, write a note. Be consistent with your communication, don't do it one month and not the next but ALL the time.(once a week is a good thing) Now it is not about "who" has custody of them but your relationship with them that will matter. Sometimes it takes a long time to get it back or even create it for the first time. Be patient and loving, and it WILL be good. Happiness is momentary it does not "last" the well being is important, stability is extremely important for kids. I would recommend a journal of sorts for them. One that has family history and stories, so when they are ready or need it they will have it, you don't have to give it to them now but do it over the years and keep it somewhere that if something were to happen to you that someone would know that they get it/them, like a file or box with their names on it/them.
Obviously you are not selfish, or you would have the boys and still be using! Good luck in your journey! You are a better person than most who have been in your situation!

Good morning D.. I do not have any advice as to how to get your children back but I dot have a few words of support for you.I admire you because even in your weekest moment your motherly instinct kicked in and you did what was best at the time,by turning your children in. That to me is a motherly act not selfishnes.You see horrible things happen to children out there when thier parents are drug addicts and you protected your children from that world. Nobody knows the root or the base reason that led to your drug addiction and should not judge you. Only god can judge us because nobody can throw the first stone without any wrongs in thier life. God give you strenght and direction, may he open doors to give you your children back.

Aloha D.,

Being a parent isn't always easy and sometimes we need some extra support. I invite you to check out the free parent resources I have available

http://www.lorrainepursell.com/single-pages/sign-up-now-f...

Hey D.,

I think sometimes the hardest choice to make is to give up what you love most, your children, if it means they'll be better off. To keep a child when you can't do the right thing by him/her is the ultimate in selfishness. Don't let the opinions of a bunch of people you don't even know get to you.

Yay! to Sharon Z, I second her response...

Don't let anyone guilt you about decisions you have made for yourself or your children. It takes more guts and love to do what is best for your child, particularly when it goes against public opinion, then many people realize. I have dealt with many adults and children who were placed in harms way (physically or mentally) by a parent who couldn't bear to give them up. That is not love. It is selfishness. No one but you knows what or why and no one should judge. You did the best you could with what you knew and had at the time. You can't go back and undo it and you have no way of knowing if things would have been worse or better if your decisions had been different. People speak without thinking sometimes but hold your head high and know that many mothers and professionals understand and applaud what you did.
V.

Some people just don't have it in their heart to be kind. It's a cruel world. I have also gone through the addiction road, lost my children to their father, and have come out on the other side a better person. You did right in allowing your children to choose where they wanted to live, and you are absolutely right when you say you allowed it because it was the best thing for them. I don't know anything about your original posting, but I'm saluting you for doing the right thing. I'm glad you are healing. The children love you and will understand as they grow older. Life is not easy, but you're doing just fine.

So sorry you encountered animosity on this website. This is supposed to be a supportive website & I hope that those who were cruel had good intentions, but lacked full understanding of your situation. Congratulations on your sobriety and staying clean! Good for you! No one has the right to judge. Hang in there and keep praying!

Hi D.:
I missed your first request,but I'll attempt to respond to this one.First let me say,that nobody,knows,the heartache,the sacrifices,one endures,until they've walked in that individuals shoes. I commend you for making A mothers ultimate sacrifice,and being as selfless as you were,during what must have been a very difficult period in your life.I've read through your responses,and maybe caught one,that addressed your question. You are questioning whether or not your doing the right thing,in fighting for custody of your children.You didn't mention their ages,but because its been nine years,I have to assume your boys are at least 10 years or older.They've had to mature,before their time,and they are probably pretty independent young men.You made An unselfish decision,to insure their well being and happiness,when you were still dealing with drug addiction.Why now,that you've over come that demon,would you feel differently about (their) happiness? Before you put yourself and your sons,through such an ordeal,I would request A private sit down with them,explain to them,if you haven't already why you gave them up to the state.Tell them that you love them both,but you want them to be happy,then ask them where they would be happiest?If they have established A safe,healthy,happy environment in their present home,I wouldn't uproot them.I would attempt to have a relationship with them,and fight for visitation rights.If they feel comfortable,and your able to once again build a bond with them,they may regain that trust in you they sadly lost years ago.It's not a necessity,to have them in your custody,to have a mother-son relationship.What I'm trying to say is,you don't have to fight,or force them to relinquish the love you all once shared.I wish you and your sons,much happiness,and healing. J. M

Don't listen to all the mean responses. Other people haven't lived your life. No one should judge you. You did the hardest and most unselfish thing. I am so glad you have been doing good for so long. None of us know what were doing half the time. That's why I write to the moms and ask questions here. Children don't come with a handbook as my friends say. So we have to do what we think is best for our kids. Be proud of yourself for all you have done. Don't let people get you down. It sounds like you really love your sons and want what is best for them. If you can let your sons know how much you love them.
God bless you,
Sue

Hey, D....on August 3rd, I'll be celebrating my fifth year being clean. I also lost my daughter to her father because of my life style and because my choices were not the best. BUT, you know what? Sh*t happens and you shouldn't beat yourself up over what has happened in the past. The important thing is that you're clean now and doing what you are capable of doing at this time. I also, sometimes, think I am not the best mother so you're not the only one out there who feels this way. Don't let the people who judge get you down, they don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes. Good luck, L.

Hi D.
Stuggling with addiction myself many years ago, I understand what you are going through and went through. I was fortunate enough to keeo my child with me at the time. I give you kudo's for making an adult/responsible decision to place you chidren in care. I am sure that decision was not made lightly. It is going to be a slow process of getting to know your children again, i am sure there will be trust issues for them. stick with it, just like your sobriety it will take time and be worth it in the end.If you have to work hard for it you appreciate it more. Just show them you care and eventually they will ask those tough questiosn of why. and you can be there to give them the honest answers. One day at a time and sometimes 1 hour, minute or even a second to get through tough times is what it takes! I hope this helps. it is not much but a little understanding.

It is unfortunate you feel people are judging you that is what happens when you put yourself out there in the public for strangers opinions. If I were you, you could join some awesome support group for clean and sober moms. They might understand your situation and relate better. Good luck

I will try to keep this short since so many others have given you great advice and comfort - Just as you need support (as evident by your seeking it via mamasource) so do your children. Please contact the local Al-anon and Alateen in your area (for orange county Ca the # is ###-###-####) and offer the support and fellowship that is available to your teens.

Holding you and yours in my prayers, L.

Hi D.,

I am sorry that you have recevied such harsh responses about your situation. I have never gone through what you have nor have I ever had an addiction of any sort but I can only imagine how hard and terrible it must have been and most importantly how difficult it must have been to give up your boys. I personally think that you were not being selfish and doing what you thoguht was in the best interest of your children. You thought by giving them up that they might have a chance a better and happier and stable life. You were trying to keep them safe, happy and out of harms way. I think you are a strong woman to not be selfish and fight the addiction and do what you thought was best for your kids at that time. Now that you are clean and sober, congratulations by the way 9 years, thats awesome, you are trying to establish some sort of relationship with them. While I am sure they are bitter, confused and hurt there is nothing more that you can do at this time. They need to be the ones to forgive you and to let the hurt and anger go to establish soemthing more. This may happen and it may not. Either way I just wanted to say that I think you made the right decision based on what you thought was right for your children at that moment in your life. I hope that you will continue on this path and that one day your children can forgive you and have some sort of realtionship with you. God Bless you D. and take care and never give up. Have Faith in yourself and our Lord that things happen for a reason. God has a plan for all of us, you just have to believe. Let your fears out and your Faith in and trust God and he will do the rest :-)

I haven't walked in your shoes, and I can't pretend to. But, have made plenty of mistakes w/ my kids. No one is perfect. And no matter what, there is always a mom out there that thinks she is perfection on toast. Those moms used to make me feel inadequate, now, I realize most moms are just trying to do their best, or trying to just get through the day. Hopefully one day you can have a good relationship w/ your kids.

well, my sister has 4 kids and they were taken away and after 3 years in foster care her rights were taken away and it was the best thing for everyone. to this day she still hasn't gotten her act together. I didn't read your original questions but I think what you did is great and for the saftey of all involved. You did it out of love and if anyone said anything about that then just ignore it let them be affended. Your kids are safe and well and thats all that matters.
I hope youy continue to have a relationship with your boys and one day they may want to come stay with you.
Good luck

I have never been in your situation, but I applaud you for your decision. As a mother who sometimes wishes that she gave her son up for adoption because he could have a better set of parents, I can't imagine the pain and grief you are going through. Hang in there! I know you did the right thing by giving them up, but you might want to leave them where you are and try to have a relationship with them as their loving biological mother. To uproot them after 9 years would probably not be the best thing for the kids.

Hi D., First of all congradulations for being clean for 9 years. I know somebody who is also 35 and just got her kids back about 4 years ago, the system came in took her kids, and legal gardianship was given to the grandma, she has 5 kids, and a lot of problems with her 8 and 11 year old sons.
If your kids are happy where they are, then what you wanted for your kids has happened. When your boys get older you can si t them down and explain to them that because you did love them you what you thought was best at the time, one day they will understand. stay clean show your kids who you can be. If your kids have been in the same place for 9 years and they are rooted and stable, don't rock that, become a part of their lives a little at a time D., be patient. Just like you didn't do what you did to hurt your kids, they are not wanting to stay where they are to to hurt you, this is where they feel safe and secure. if you want to talk furture i'm always out here. J.

Hello, First of all, congratulations on your sobriety. Our sons went through Hell trying to get sober and finally did. Our oldest one and his then girlfriend lived with us and used in our home. We kicked out both of them and kept their son (our grandson). We had that little boy from 5 months old to three and a half. He fully bonded with us during that time and was very effected when the court decided to allow them to have him back. The only "parents" our grandson had known were taken from him. He is now ten and still wants to "come home". He is a wonderful little boy and still counts on us to lead him through tough times. We have been blessed with 5 (and one more on the way) beautiful grandchildren. We love them all the same amount. This one just needs us more. Anyway, I commend you for allowing your son to live where he is happiest. In the end, he will understand that you did this for his best interest. I have seen too many people keep their children for the wrong reasons. Our grandon's mother wanted him back for a few reasons. Never was it mentioned that it was because she loved him or that it was in his best interest. After his return, she abused him for quite a while. He is old enough to not be such a drag on her day now.
You and God know why you have chosen to do the best thing for your children. At least you didn't take them through the Hell you had to go through.
God bless you.
K. K.

YOu know, no one can judge you and no one should. You got yourself the help you needed and did, as you said, what you felt was best for your boys. So don't apologize to anyone "out in cyber space" that don't even know you or your situation. Take the good comments, and don't even finish reading the ones who are offensive and not understanding. It's like friends - who needs the ones who bring you down? Life's too short for that. I just wanted to say - CONGRATULATIONS on your amazing accomplishments. I wish you luck and love in the future.
M.

As a child who grew up with a dysfunctional mother, I think you did the right thing. My mother used drugs, lied, had boyfriends that beat her, and was an alcoholic. The best thing she ever did for my sister and I, was abandon us. Obviously you didn't abandon your kids, but it sounds like you made the best decision for them. They don't realize it just yet, but hopefully they will one day.

Good luck

Hey D.,
I understand how you feel. Im a mother of twin boys who are 11 and a 9 year old. When I met my husband in December of 2006 one of my twins didnt like the fact that hewasnt the man in the house anymore. He is the oldest and wasd always the little man of the house. When I got married he deceiced that he wasnted to live with my mom. I was hesitant becasue I like all the people leaving you comments thought that he is too young to be making his own decsion. I let him move in with my mom and he is so much happier. His grades are awesome he is in sports and when he visits me he appreciates me so much more. People will always have their Opinions but will never know what ists like to live in your shoes. You do whats best for your kids and thats the only thing that matters. I wish you the best of luck and always stay positive and keep a smile on your face.

I just read your response to other people's responses and it pains me to think of how judgmental some of their responses were.
I understand being judgmental, but now, with 3 kids, I've become more understanding to other people's situations, even if I can't empathize.
I believe you have always done the best you could for your kids. I believe every parent does.
I commend you for putting your kids in state custody while you rehabbed. That must have been so difficult. Kudos to you.
You will get your kids back; never give up hope.
Your kids may judge you, but hopefully, they'll realize, someday, that you truly did the best you could and that's all that matters.
We moms beat ourselves up sooo much. I've gotten so much better about my negative thought patterns since I started reading and subscribing to flylady.net. It's free and all she does is help others have happy, peaceful lives. It works, but you have to do the work.
good luck

Good for you! Good for you! I know addicts who keep the kids and have to have them torn from them by the state. You did right by your kids. It takes a real Mom to say that their kids need better. I don't know how you did it. What you did takes more strength than I can imagine. Don't listen to the crazies online!

i think you are doing the right thing. if you have to settle for just your childrens friendship then thats better then nothing (like im sure you know). i think its still hard for them to understand why you did what you had to do for them and it will settle as they get older. keep up yor good work and im glad that you got back in their life!

I was not the one who gave the abrupt answer, but I have been accused of giving answers like that in the past. I can tell by your post that you are trying your best and I commend you for that. Also, if you are on this site, then you are reaching out to others for help, which also says a lot. I just wanted to say good luck and I hope you regain some sort of custody of your kids now that you are clean. It's as good for them, as it is for you, to create a loving relationship.

D. J

Firstly, I agree you did the right thing taking your children out of the situation you were in. Congrats on staying clean, now comes the hard part. You probably will never understand where your sons thoughts are at this time. The system can hurt children and hurt any trust they have in their parents. This was not done by you, it was done by the system. REMEMBER no parent is perfect, no matter how much you try. I don't know any parent that is perfect, not even me. My sister used to call herself a "professional mom" and her behavior was that she felt she was the perfect parent, boy was she wrong! I told her this myself. Since no parent will ever be perfect nor will they ever make a mistake.

The system damaged my relationship with my children as well, and it was my husband's actions that caused them to be placed in the system. When the children were returned to me I had to fight, and still fight for them to keep in touch. My children are now grown and have families of their own, but they do remember many lessons they learned before the system.

Good people will be persecuted when the system has influenced children at any age. Don't let this change your successful course to stay sober. Your son(s) will change their mind, but they will have to see for themselves that you have made great changes in your personal life.

Spending as much time as you can with them now is a good direction for you and your boys. They may be happy where they are, but you need to get the boys home to live with you and learn how to live with what you can give them. You can give them your love, understanding, and patience. Sometimes when the living is easier children want to stay where they don't have to go through hardship such as not having enough money, clothes that are in style, and such. Don't let this deter you from taking charge even though the boys may be temporarily upset, they will adjust.

My prayers are with you as I do know very well the heartache you are going through right now. I have been there done that, but this behavior from your children will not just go away even after they get old enough to have their own families. You will be faced with this for a very long time. I am truly sorry you have had to deal with this, but I can only reassure you, that you did the right thing taking your children out of harms way. Now seek counseling as a family to help the children.

D.,
Congratulations on your sobriety. Nine years clean is amazing. I don't care what anyone else says... fighting to stay clean and make amends with your kids IS being a good mom.
My husband and I started cooking dinner on Friday nights to the recovering addicts and homeless in our church - I tell you there are some amazing people we have met through all walks of life. I have learned a lot from each one of them over the past couple years.
In your situation, all I can say is that you did want what was best for them. Letting them choose was wise. I will be thinking of you and your family. I hope it all works out and they want to work towards a healthy relationship with you.
P.

Be strong and believe in yourself. Other people's opinions don't count. Anyone who hasn't been in your shoes can't possibly know what decisions you needed to make. While your boys may not appreciate changes in thier current lifestyle, they will know later in life that you made the tough choices to keep them safe because you love them. When they are adults, they will never question your love for them. They may not respect that you got into that situation, but by doing the right thing for them, the tough thing, you proved your love.
Lot's of people have opinions, you know what "they" are. Not so many people could have done the right thng for their children.