Mom in DESPERATE Need of Advice~

Ok, I am the step-mom to 4 boys...and when I first started parenting we were having a hellish time! But, you can get through this!!! A great little book is Child Training Tips: What I wish I knew when my children were young, by Reb Bradley. Basicly, you develope a ZERO tolerance attitude - discipline LONG before you're angry and frustrated. You can lighten up as they figure out that you're serious...but when they are little they need to obey right away whether they like it or not. As they get older you can explain...or explain after they are calm. I have NOT found Dr. Dobson to be helpful at all...in any way. ALSO, vital to your success is being an absolute TEAM with your husband...no gaps! Keep at it...your daughter is worth the work and pain of right now!!!

M.,
I know you probably don't have time to read these books, but see if this describes your child:
blows up for no reason ("you woke me up wrong!" "I won't change my dirty shirt" "you gave him the eggo, I was going to eat that tomorrow!") followed by door slamming, crying, screaming and incredible anger. These are the same things that occur with your other children without any or very little reaction. She is also violent with sibs.
If so, get this book, The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene. It is in paperback.
Start counting incidents per day now so you know what the baseline is. Then you and husband read the book, work for 2 weeks and see if there is an improvement. If not, then time to see a pro. She may need meds although I am not a big proponent of meds in children.
With the move, things may get worse anyway but you need to start somewhere, sometime. So it seems this at least gives you something to start with. These children are a challenge - and often wonderful at school. Good luck.
K.

I was raised by women that didn't put up with anything!!! So I geared raising my children the same way. The Bible says, if you spare the rod, you spoil the child.
I didn't have time to read books and still don't. Not to mention the fact that so many people that don't have children are writing books telling us how to raise ours.

My children are 13 and 10 now, and let me tell you. I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER had my children act out in any way. They did things they weren't supposed to do. They did get in trouble. But they did what they were told when I corrected them. People would ask me how on earth I had such good children when we were in an area full of children that were screaming and tearing things up. I simply said, "I put the fear of God in them, then the fear of momma." I love my children dearly, and they know that. I would die for my children, and they know that.
My children have never disrespected me, and to this day will stop what they are doing and come running when I say 1. (I think I have gotten to 2 twice in the last 9 years.)

I'm not for beating your children!!!!! NO BRUISES, NO YELLING!!!! But if you swat (with your hand) them on the back of the thigh. It stings, and hurts much worse than a belt on the butt. I will never forget when my Granny got me, and I assure you I never went near that barn again by myself. I'm 32 yrs old, and I still ask someone to go with me.

Dr. Dobson also has a book called "The Strong Willed Child" and I think there is even a more recent version called "The NEW Strong Willed Child". I would read that and see if you can gain any insight from it. I will say a prayer for you. I think you're wise to discuss this with her pediatrician too, just to see what they say, but don't just resort to medication without really looking into it if that is what they suggest. Sometimes kids REALLY need them in order to fix the problem and sometimes, it can be a real crutch and can do more harm than good. Try Dr. Dobson's other book geared specifically toward this type of child and talk to the new pedi and see where that gets you. I feel for you and I hope things start to get better.

Diet was my first thought as well. My daughter is only 4 but she is just as you discribed when she has sugar, and for her this means fruit and breads as well. She naturally craves protein, so we encurage that. That doesn't mean that she doesn't get these, but they are limited, and always fresh or frozen. Refined sugar is a dirty word in our house, non-existant and not welcomed. Bananas are very limited. My mom thought I was nuts until she gave her one once. She said that you could actually SEE the banana kick in and she becomes a totaly different child. I can't handle that child- at all. We do the least processed possible, chicken, beef, fish, veggies, and dairy with limited fruit- no fruit drinks or juices- white whole milk and water only. I would be medicated if she were not on this diet.
Also art outlet works very well for my artistic daughter. We call it art therapy, but realy it is an hour or so of soft music and playdough or paint. Anotther thing that really helps us is giving her some responcibility. She is responcible for her own lunch, cleaning her room, making her bed and helping to hang her own laundry. It takes more time, but seems to give her a purpose during the day.
To help you cope, I would suggest joining a mommy group if you are not already a part of one, and having a drink after DH gets home. (Maybe not with the meds, I don't know that would be a good idea, but I don't know.)
Oprah had a mom on Monday that said her trick was that her children think that she is just a little bit crazy. I liked that approach too. lol.

You got some great advice already!

I have a kid like this as well. 7 year old boy. One of three.

One sentence you wrote stood out for me: "She will through a fit until she gets what she wants & she won't stop."

The truth is, if she throws a fit and then gets what she wants she will continue to throw fits because it works. She sounds like a smart girl, and will continue to do what works.

Whatever other underlying issues there are, be strong with this. My older son is autistic and I know all about fits :) but after working with a behavior analyst, we put an end to it (mostly) because having a fit never ever gets him what he wants. And don't worry, it does stop :)

If you can, seriously consider getting behavior therapy for him. I did not want to go that route and avoided it for 8 years with my oldest kid. Now I wish I would have started earlier! He is much happier and so is everyone in the house.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Don't worry about getting yourself help, including meds if you need them to help you through this. Trust me, I know. I am not being judgmental of your parenting skills, I feel for you as I have a very strong willed kid at home too.

Good luck!

I notice from your past posts that this is an on-going issue for you and your daughter. (I'm sorry, how frustrating!) Have you zero'd in on her diet, in regard to eliminating high fructose corn syrup, white flour ingredients, artificial dyes, and nitrites/preservatives? Some children do not respond well to processed foods... it sets them up for explosive behavior, irrationality, temper-tantrums.

I know... you have 3 kids and the idea of making food from scratch seems overwhelming. However, since her behavior has driven you to start taking medication yourself (which i think is a poignant comment), perhaps you might clean up her diet for a short period and see if there is any improvement? (I also suggest getting a bread machine. That will get you affordable whole grain bread for her and cuts out the corn syrups/ preservatives in retail bread. Seriously, does not take that long to make your own bread... maybe 10 minutes to load the bin with ingredients and the machine does everything else.)

Some articles:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,###-###-##...

http://www.familymagazinegroup.com/foodnutrition/story_Th...

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/207888/artificia...

http://www.motherinc.com.au/magazine/kids/kidshealth/433-...

You may want to check out a Love and Logic parenting book out of the library. It is really good! You need to remain calm and follow through. If she throws a fit for something and you give it to her, you have taught her that fit throwing works. When she is throwing a fit just calmly say, "throw a fit, don't get it." and walk away.

Next a lot of people don't realize that extremely intelligent children are also often willful and well, passionate is what I call it. Their emotions are all out there for the world to see, screaming, laughing, crying, whatever they feel. You may want to check out the website
http://www.sengifted.org/articles_social/Lind_Overexcitab...

The sengifted.org site is "serving the emotional needs of the gifted" and has lots of great articles for parents of gifted children.