I love my mom dearly. She is visiting with me for the holidays. Problem is my mom seems to think that it is ok to want to live with me forever. She does not want to leave. On top of that she has some ways that drives me nuts. She is self centered and I believe does things to get my attention. I have two sons 5 and 6 and my hubby and I feel that my mom is like a 3rd child. She ask me advise on everything. What should I cook, how should I cook it. Where do you want the clothes, when where why how. I wish she would just take charge and do things herself. Seems like she just wants to be in my face.She is not particularly good with my kids as the way we were raised and how I raise my kids is different. She hardly talks to or plays with them and I just think that she really doesn't know how. So she is like a burden on me. I am doing well for myself and my mom just seem to think that she should come first and that I should treat her and give her all the things that I use to give her when I had no family of my own. She is just driving me nuts and I cannot handle it very well. I am so stressed out. I orinially told her she could spend 3 months with us. She is retired. But now I think I will die mentally before the 3 months is up. I want her out by end of January. I feel so tormented as I would love if we could get along but I am going crazy. The other day my son asked me if I was happy as i dont smile anymore. Help should I just let my mom go back to her house and not feel guilty. I am losing my mind.
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So sorry I know of the selfish mother in law. I just let my husband do the dirty work and right now we are just not able for you to stay with us for long periods of time. One week is bad enough.
You poor thing! There's no way my mom and I could go back to living together. You are in a difficult situation. You are going to have to be tough and tell your mother that she needs to go back to her house. Personally, I would try to phrase it nicely as in "We would really like some time together as a family (meaning you, hubby, and kids)". See if you can make a compromise to go visit your Mom occasionally. Sounds like she wants to be around you, but she's a bit codependent and toxic. You are going to have to get firm with boundaries.
Your mom has her own home, there is no reason she should be staying with you for 3 months. Take her out to lunch (just the two of you) and tell her how much you've enjoyed her visit, but that having a visitor in the house, no matter how much she's loved, is always added stress. Then tell her you would love her to stay through New Year's but after that you have a very busy schedule and won't be able to visit. Then plan her next visit for the spring or summer (2 weeks max).
She may still get upset no matter how kindly you put it, but you need to do what's best for your family and bite the bullet.
She is just visiting and will be leaving soon. Talk to her, if you want her to do things on her own tell her it's ok to.
Is she a Widow? Or Divorcee?
Some people, women, don't know how to think on their own, because their Husbands used to do that for them. Especially older generations....
My Mom was like that when my Dad, died.
Some older generations also, 'think' that others have to care for them.... including their adult offspring. So... it is a mentality....
My Mom can tend to be that way too... and she lives WITH us.
Next, just let her be sometimes. Let her just hang out, tell her you have things to do... and then INCORPORATE her in that. Have her do things/chores/things in the house too. Plainly tell her in a nice way. Just like any other normal family member. Make her 'useful' when she is there. Make her useful...... while she is there.
Or even make a "list" for her of things she can do in the home....
Also, just keep to your regular routines... even if she is there. And if you cannot do something she expects, just say so. You need to be openly direct... though say it in a palatable way..... draw your boundaries....
As for your kids and her... well YOU are the Mom and YOU decide how they are treated.
You AND your Husband, have to echo each other.
How old are your kids? If they are 2 years old or older.... teach them, that even when Grandma is here, that YOU/Daddy have the last say. Explain the 'rules' BEFORE your Mom gets there. So making things 'clear' for your kids, as far as the 'pecking order' goes..... That is what I do with my kids... and their overbearing relatives.
Also, if you can, just get away by yourself and go out by yourself or with your girlfriends for a break. TELL your HUSBAND... you NEED to do this, when your Mom is visiting. AND that, HE will need to be home and watch the kids. It is for your sanity and well-being....
Talk about this WITH your Husband... BEFORE your Mom arrives... so that you BOTH have a 'game plan'... and have a certain secret 'signal' with your Husband so that you can indicate to him... when you are at your wits end... and need him to jump in... and pitch in.
HE has to help too....
I hope you explained to your Husband, as you did to us here... about how your Mom impacts you??? If not, tell him.
3 months is a long stay. Just tell her you changed your mind, things came up... and it is not practical.
Remember, this is YOUR home and YOUR kids. So, YOU are the one, with your Husband, who decides what goes on in your home... and with your kids. KEEP command of your home/kids... in a confident way..... and the vibes will permeate from that....
Don't feel you have to 'entertain' her. She is a grown woman... and just do what you need to do.
all the best,
Susan
I do feel you need to talk with your mother. Sit her down and tell her how you feel. Don't bottle it all up, it's not good for anyone and you'll end up resenting her and that's not what life is about. You love her deeply, I can tell. Make the Holidays enjoyable to all. Enjoy your mother, when she's gone you will miss her dearly.
Why don't you ask her to just be herself. Tell her that she can do things her way and that she doesn't have to strive to do things your way. Tell her that she can cook things her way, put the clothes wherever she thinks they should go, that if they are not in the right place you will find them or ask. She is probably just as uncomfortable as you are in that she is afraid of doing something that will offend you and thus the reason that she is coming to you and asking about everything.
Sounds like you need to tell her "Mom, I love visiting with you but living with a parent is not easy. Can we break up the 3 month stay so it isn't 3 straight months?" But you did tell her she could stay that long so she may be very disappointed.
As for her not wanting to "take charge" and asking what and how to cook things or where to put the clothes...it sounds like she is trying to NOT step on your toes and/or do things the way you would like them done.
Keep in mind, there are probably things you do that drive her nuts as well (doesn't make it easier to deal with though).
This is a tough one as I have the same kind of mom. My advice is this, you already committed to 3 months so try to do the best you can. When she starts asking all the how, when, where, why questions, just say "I don't know mom, do what you think is best". Force her to stop acting like that. Also, if you don't think you can make it the 3 months, just be honest with her and say you thought it would be a good idea, but really its not working out like you thought and maybe she can leave after new years. you don't say how far she normally lives, but try to make a few limited visits with her. I ended up living with my mom (I'm an only child) with my kids after my divorce and she was so happy we were going to be little buddies and live happily ever after together! Uh, NO!! She is not happy that I'm happily married and she does things to prove it. I have just limited my time and conversations with her. she said she wants it back how it was "pre hubby" but it just can't be. I have a good life and a family to take care of. So I feel for you and wish you the best. I hope you can find something that will work for you. Good luck!
She may ask all those questions to try to be a help for you without "stepping on your toes." Try telling her it's okay for her to make the decision, that you won't mind if it's done differently than you would do it. Maybe that will help. If not, you need to tell her to cut her visit short a little or you will end up resenting her and you're relationship will be worse. explain how you feel. If she can't understand that, at least you tried. maybe suggest visiting her for a while in the summer or something, to make up for cutting her visit short. good luck
