Hello Ladies! So, my husband and I will have been married 5 years in February. To make a long story short, we've gone through our troubles, ie. cheating, child outside marriage, lies, etc and yet...I am still here and still strong. Well, over the past year and a half, my husband cut out the extra women, the lying and made a change...however, he sitll is gone nearly every evening...not out-out, but either at a male friend's house or a bunch of his friends will get together and watch a game at a sports bar (he's in the navy). He does do more at home, but it is still hard with him out every evening, even at a friend's house; it's just me and our two year old at home. Then, on the weekends, he usually chooses to sleep, leaving me and our son to do stuff on our own. I have TRIED to get him to do things with us, like go out to eat, some how, I always happen to ask right when he has just ate, so going would be a waste because he doesn't want to waste money. So on those nights, I end up picking up some chinese and rent a movie for my and son and I to watch; and about 50% of the time, he will either stay or go to a friend's house and watch tv. Butg anyways, that's how that usually goes. Then, there's I don't know how he is doing it, but somehow he overspends on his checks and has no idea how, therefore leaving me to pick up unpaid bills or supply him when he doesn't have enough. He makes 3 times more than me. I have no problem helping because we are married and we're suppose to work together, but I can't figure out how he is overspending. Then there's little things like getting too drunk at a friend's house he can't drive or staying out late with friends and expecting me to do stuff for him...basically catering to his ego...pssh, forget that. What really brought me over this time is he decided to lie to his command on something so simple. I won't go into detail, but he was called in to work on leave and honestly had our son for the day, so he couldn't go to work. Instead he lied and said he was out of town, so tha'ts a no no to say that if your leave papers say differently. They called me while I was at work to see if he was in town. I didn't know he had lied, so I said he was at home with our son. In short, he lied, they took a whole paycheck and gave him 45 days of restiriction, we won't see him til January. He wants to get out in March...and go back to school, but I don't believe he will stick with it or that's its a good idea for he is only getting out because he is having a hard time with this ship. He brought it on himself, and I feel ike he is taking the esay way out and making exscuses instead of owning up to it and making it work for him and us. His friends talk about the GI bill, but if he wanted to go to school so bad, he would have been doing it and could be finished by now. I'm not mad, I'm just tired, tired of drama, tired of "fixing" things, tired of the child in him. It's not that I want another man, i just want to be by myself really and get closer to God again, I feel far away from him. I just don't want the stress anymore and I'm jus tired. I just don't know how to leave because I know he loves me, and I'm really just afraid to hurt his feelings. That sounds so sill :P
Hello Ladies! I want to thank you all for all you've said, each and every one of your messages has helped. I guess I just needed someone to confirm for me (stil sounds silly, but I needed it). So, in that, I've enlisted the help of my parents, my dad is former 26 year Marine and great man, so he was definately ready to help me, as well my mom :) I spoke to my husband last night and he informed me another check would be taken away as his punishment...his response: It's just my punishment, I can't help it. What I wanted to do was yell and scream at the top of my lungs, but I just don't care anymore and for him to tell me he can't help it, wow! It never had to happen in the first place. But anways, thank you all again, and for those who had stories to tell of similar stories, thank you especially, because you let me know, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it will be hard, but thank you all so much!!!!!!! I cannot say it enough, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
I tried to read your entire post-but a third of the way through I couldn't imagine living with someone this way. I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you and your child if he continues to devalue his family this way.
#1. I hope you are NOT having any sex with this man and IF you are I HOPE you are using every kind of protection on this earth available to you, or you will have a nasty STD and 2 babies to care for alone.
#2. I don't know how you cannot be mad at this point, as I sure would be more than just P.O.d I'd be so mad and sad that I'd probably be desperately depressed under these living conditions.
#3. And please ask yourself WHY you are willing to tolerate being treated with such outright disrespect. He clearly does not honor you with anything. Not his presence. Not his financial support. Not his physical support. Not his loyalty. This is not a marriage. Even making more money than you he stil bums off of you? Please stop bailing him out.
#4. Men like this never grow up, usually b/c they keep finding a willing partner to pick up the pieces and s/o to believe all their lies.
#5. Please search for a counselor for yourself. I doubt he would go as he's too busy with his buddies. Explain your life and the choices that got you here. You are worth because YOU are all your baby has.
AND #6 - I was in your exact shoes: military and a husband who'd lie even if the truth fit better. I financially bailed him out. He did not cheat, at least I dont think so. I left with a 9 month old baby and went on to meet the most amazing, remarkable, loving, supportive, responsible and sensible man in the world.
Oh Sweetie, oh sweetie, oh my. How do I tell you this???? Your husband has NOT stopped cheating on you. He goes out every single night and you think he is just hanging with the guys? Oh honey, it is so sad that you can't see through his lies. He is out every night b/c he doesn't want to be with you and is still cheating on you. He seems very young and irresponsible. Get out of your marriage now and find a faithful man who respects you.
The only way you can trust someone who has betrayed you, is if you see loud and clear that they have changed their personality. He hasn't. He won't. You have to leave when you can. Don't make things any harder on yourself than you have to by hurrying, but do not waste your life with this man who is immature and very selfish. The troubles you're having now are just a small taste of much bigger problems to come. He loves you? Fine. It's not your responsibility to be a gift to him that he abuses. This is not an example of behavior your son needs-lying, drinking too much, over spending, staying away and leaving you guys. These are not things that will change and neither will the cheating. You have a good heart. Take care of it.
Mmm. You basically have two ways to get to a good marriage. Get counseling WITH your husband for however long it takes for him to grow up. Or leave, and be available for a good man. I tried the first, but my husband wouldn't follow through. Then I tried the second. I've been very, very happy that I did. (I was also very happy to be on my own for a few years, to figure out what I wanted and needed.)
I was married to a guy for 13 years who had very similar patterns (except he was emotionally abusive to me and our daughter, as well). I got to the place you are in now. Yes, he "loved" me, insofar as he liked having me waiting for him, in the way that a little boy likes having his mom at home to cook and clean for him. Sort of a mom with benefits, if you will.
I finally figured it out. That's not love. That's just an immature dependency. Love is patient, kind, and endlessly generous. We give ourselves 100% for love. You've been giving him love, but he's been giving you "when it's convenient."
There's nothing the least bit silly about your situation, M. – you are facing an opportunity to live life in a way that meets your own legitimate needs. And your son's – children learn more from the example of their parents than from any other source of learning. If he grows up with a daddy who just can't bother to spend time with him, or to be a good husband, what kind of a man will he grow into?
Get counseling, if you must, but put some steel in your backbone. This is your life, and you don't get reruns.
When (not if) you decide you've had enough of his half-assed partering and announce you've reached the end, I can almost guarantee he'll be surprised, bereft, and make all kinds of promises, maybe even threats. Occasionally a guy will wake up and grow up. It doesnt' happen often. You can slide back into the marriage and try it again, and see how many times the patterns get reestablished before you call it quits for good.
I wish happiness for you and your little boy.
Well, you actually said it yourself.
He's a child.
He is in no way a husband or a father.
I think you should get some counseling for yourself
so you can figure out why you have put up with this for so long
and how you can learn new ways to take care of yourself.
Good luck.
When my husband and I got married, we were relieved not to go out all the time. We LIKE being home together. That didn't change when our son came along. Your man is spending way too much time away from home. A poker night once or twice a month is one thing, 5 days a week at a friends place? - he's more married to the friend than he is to you. Lying to you. Lying to work. Money disappearing and no one having a clue where it's going.
He's got a lot of growing up to do, and you can't make/help him.
If he loved you, he'd be home - every night - and be thanking God he has such a wonderful family to come home to.
Seek marriage counseling. Go by yourself if he won't go with you.
He doesn't seem like he wants a family life.
Love isn't a feeling - it is actions. Your husband is showing you every day how he feels about you and your son. I know the tired feeling - I had it for a long time before I took action, and got a divorce and a new better life for me and my daughter.
I hope you have some people to support you emotionally through this.
I feel for ya, and it sounds like he is still cheating unfortunately. Some women will stay in these types of marriages as long as the money is there. But he is having his cake and eating it too and you are sweeping up his crumbs is what it seems to be.
You need to ask yourself why you are being a door mat.
Pray and start saving some move out money. I think a true separation without speaking to him at all for awhile is what this will take to get him "ALL THE WAY" back. If being separated doesnt change him you will need to decide what you want out of your marriage.
You are worth far more than what you are receiving from him right now. Believe that.
Really where was his feelings & love during the cheating,liying,drinking it up having a good ol time with his buddies girl you have a toddler to look after go get those divorce papers filled out ask him to sign them on you go with son..It's you & your son as it is right he isn't involoved in your lives now why would he later..
I had a boyfriend like that once...it was like having a teenage son. Do you really need a teenager and a two year old stressing you out? He is not ready for an adult relationship but you deserve one. You should get your own bank account. And stop being his mommy...if he screws up just let him suffer the consequences (don't pay his bills or fix his over-spending mistakes)--as long as he knows you are going to bail him out he will never take responsibility. As for never spending time with you and your son, I wouldn't tolerate that--he either wants to be with you or he doesn't. An adult relationship requires commitment and he is not doing it. You deserve someone who wants to be with you..not someone you have to nag and force to spend time with you. I would make the decision to let him go. I would tell him that he is not ready for the kind of committed relationship that you need and want...but that you want to continue to co-parent and get along for the sake of your son. When I finally did that I felt so much relief and I was able to move on with my life...now I'm happily married to a man who wants to be with me.
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I think you know exactly what you need to do.
He is not living up to expectations at home or at work. He is playing the blame game and once he gets out, it's going to get worse.
It's time for you to get your own bank account and fill it up. Don't bail him out of anything financial. Get an attorney and discuss your options. Make sure you get one that will work for you - a woman who specializes in divorce is preferable. She will work for you and will get you exactly what you deserve.
Get yourself tested for STDs etc. He tells you he's out with friends, he's so not. You don't see it because you don't want to believe that he is lying to you again.
If your husband wants to work it out, I'd suggest counseling for both of you. I'd keep my finances separate and him at arms length until he proves, through his actions, that he is ready to be a husband and a father.
LBC
