Miscarriage and 3 Year Old Daughter

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can relate so close to what you're going through. I too recently had a late miscarriage at 4 1/2 months and have a 4 year old daughter. We've had similiar issues in the past with pregnancies so I didn't want to tell my daughter too soon "just in case". Well, the docs gave me thumbs up that everything looked great and at about 15 weeks we told her the good news. She was ecstatic! She was finally going to be a big sister!! It's all she talked about. Well, the bomb dropped at my 18 wk appt. No one knows why. The hardest thing was having to tell my daughter. We explained that the baby was sick and would not be coming home. It was so hard to hear her say that she wouldn't be a big sister. Really broke my heart. Hearing that was so much harder than going through this nightmare. The positive thing is that children are so resilient. Their little minds dont process things like we do. My daughter still asks every so often why the baby got sick and it tugs at me, but then she goes off and plays with barbies or something. I sometimes wish I could see things through her eyes!
My heart goes out to you.
H.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and your daughter's loss as well. She will need to mourn the loss in order to heal, same as you. Be sure she knows the truth and that it is not her fault, and not your fault, maybe you can use this as a 'growing together' opportunity with her. Also if there is a chance you may be able to get pregnant again in the future, let her know this as well, let there be HOPE. Know the heart of every Mom who reads this aches a little for you and all HOPE for a healthy coping process for you and Julia! Let us know how it's going!

I am so sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can think to do is to let her come to you when she is ready to talk. Maybe you can talk to your OB or ped. to see if they have any ideas on how to explain this to her. Be sure to tell her that you will always love Amy, and she will always be in your hearts. My grandma died when my cousin was very young, and the way his mom explained it was this. She got a candle and lit it explaining the flame was grandma's life. Then she blew the candle out and said that the smoke was grandma going to heaven. He seemed to understand this, but since your little girl never saw Amy she might not get it. Did she ever see the baby in the sonogram pictures? Maybe you could do like a little memorial with the sonogram picture to put some closure on it for her. I don't know for sure, but i'm trying to give some ideas as the pop into my head.

I wish you the best of luck, and I pray that your little one will come to terms with this great loss.

Anticipation is such an overwhelmingly strong emotion in children. As a child i learned to temper it to avoid disappointment as much as possible.

But, I agree with the other response that it's a mourning process for something she had greatly anticipated. My best advice is to continue to reach out to her to let her know you're available to talk, that it's OK to feel what she's feeling, and to be honest with her about why "Amy" was going to arrive and why she's not right now.

To me, it sounds like she's really looking forward to being a big sister, and will take good care of a baby when it does finally arrive.