Miscarriage - Fair Oaks,CA

Hi there! First of all N., I am so sad with you. I had a miscarriage about 20 years ago. It is OK to grieve. There are parts to grieving that it sounds like you're already experiencing: denial and anger. It may be quite a while before you get to acceptance. It took my husband and I five years before we wanted to try again--even though my OB/GYN doctor said that we could try six months after the D & C. And when we did try again, we got a beautiful daughter, who is now 14 years old!

N.,

I had a similar situation. Several of my friends were pregnant when I suffered a miscarriage after trying for 10 years to get pregnant. I was also involved as a host or at least attending the showers not long after the miscarriage.

After the D&C, it is difficult, but I also wanted to be there for my friends and not miss out on their important events. So, I made myself very busy at the showers. I handed out the favors, wrote down what gifts the mother-to-be received, helped to serve food, etc. ANYTHING that would keep my mind occupied and not wallowing on self-pity. I certainly needed the time to grieve and 'feel' what I was going through. By the time the showers came, I felt strong enough and by keeping myself so busy...it actually wasn't that bad.

Everyone is different and handle situations differently. You need to do whatever is right for you. This is just a suggestion on how you might get through it if you are feeling up to it.

Best of luck.

~ L.

N., you are not overly sensitive. after 2 early miscarriages (more than 3 years ago) i still grieve for the little one's i lost. it is very real and you need to cry and rage at the world if this is how you feel. and there is nothing wrong with putting on the i'm ok face if that's what it takes to get through the day.
a real friend would respect your need to back away from such an emotional event as a baby shower at this time. you are not going to 'feel fine' after the d&c (which you may not need-ginger and lemongrass tea works very well to help the body naturally move things out). you're going to feel for a long time.
mourn in your own way and take care of yourself.
S.

1. we all put on the game face, honey. You are not betraying anyone! But if you fall apart mid-gameface, it is ok too. You NEED time to cry/mourn/grieve. What you are feeling is normal.
2. No offense, but your co-host friend is being very callous. I hope you can find someone to stand in for your duties asap. If yr feelings change in 3 wks, fine, ATTEND if you wish. But ask someone who loves you to take over yr duty, ok? I know it wasnt a (DREADED) duty before, but it is NOW. (DUH!)
And sorry, but D&C will NOT solve a thing, in fact, brace yourself. It is no fun and expect to feel worse. SO DO NOT GO ALONE AND PLAN TO GO RIGHT HOME AND CRY. I mean it, take your mom, or hubby, or best friend. Stock up on comfort foods before. Plan to cry, and do it. Wallow in it.
You deserve it. Tell yr hubby it is a blue day/weekend, and you will need to be babied bigtime. He may also feel very sad, y'know?
To end, may I offer my condolences? I am so sorry for your loss, and your sadness.

First and foremost, I am sorry for your loss. And yes, it is a loss and you have the right to morn. I felt compelled to respond to your post because your in your post I got the feeling that you felt alone in your situation. I am here to tell you that you are not. About a year ago, the same exact thing happened to me. It's hard to explain, but I understand how you are feeling, and I also understand how hard it is to deal with people who haven't experienced what we have/are experiencing. My advice is to let your friend know how you are feeling. She should understand. If she doesn't, then she probably isn't a great friend. You will feel better in time, but you will probably never truly be over this loss. On the bright side, I did just give birth to a healthy baby boy 2 months ago - so even though this is a loss for you, good things are still to come.

Feel free to email me, if you have any questions or concerns

I don't think you are being overly sensitive. Maybe the co-host has never had miscarriage. It took me quite awhile after mine to feel normal. I even skipped a baby shower. Do know that your body will have to adjust, since pregnancy hormones can make you very emotional. My hormones kept going up until just before my D& C. I don't know if your doctor has taken your levels, but just a thing to keep in mind. I pray that you will make the decision that is right for you. Take time to grieve.

I have never experienced your loss specifically but I just lost my father and I feel that loss in general affects us all. It sounds like you need to make time to grieve by yourself or with your husband. Society as a whole seems uncomfortable with grief and usually encourages people to move on , often before they are ready. Maybe the day of the D&C should be entirely for you. Turn off your phone, have a pot of soup made up for the day, don't go anywhere afterwards and say goodbye in your own way. Burn sage, write your goodbyes, plant a memorial tree, give your baby a name.....whatever feels like a special way to honor this presence that was with you for such a short time.
I also feel like you are completely justified in stepping down from your hostess duties and asking the co-host to take over to allow you the time you need. You would probably be able to show your friend more support if you can participate as a guest, not a host. Then if you get emotional you don't have to feel negligent for stepping outside for a little while. Or you may genuinely feel fine and be able to celebrate with her. If you are not hosting it then there is no pressure on you.
Good luck and please allow yourself the space to heal in whatever way feels right to you! Blessings!

I am so saddened to hear about your situation. My prayers go out to you. I understand your situation a little. About 5 years ago i found out i was pregnant but miscarried around 2 months. I isolated myself from everyone. I cried and let it all out. I was trying for 3 years to get pregnant and when i did i was so full of joy. Then to have it taken away just rips you up. My close friend just found out she was pregnant to. Look you can't help how you feel, and until someone goes through it they can't tell you that it is no big deal. Take your time. If you want to cry and be in bed for a few days just do it. I am definitly not saying to be depressed for the rest of your life. But this is fairly new to you and your emotions are going to be everywhere. No i don't think you should host because three weeks is just around the corner. By then if you have come to terms on what has happened then maybe it would a good idea just for you to attend and that way if you want to go for just a little while you are able to leave on your own at your own pace. Being a host right now i believe is to much for you to handle. Your true friends will understand, and the ones that get mad at you and think you might be handling things like this was no big deal, were not friends to begin with. Keep your hopes up, I now have a 4 year old who is healthy. Please don't stop trying, there is nothing you did to make this happen. And please don't let anyone tell you how to feel or to just get over it. Just let them now you will grieve your way. I hope my advice worked just a little. Take care of yourself.

Dear N.:

I think it is very hard to lose a baby at any stage of development, but those of us who can only imagine the sorrow are sometimes very insensitive to one who is going through this loss. There are some very good books addressing this issue and good grief counselors helping you cope. I am so glad you have a daughter which indicates you may be successful having another baby, but this loss is the loss of a child of yours and your husband and you do not need to pretend otherwise.

I would recommend that if you feel your loss in any way will take away from the
festivities surrounding the anticipation of your friend's new baby, that you should stay away and grieve alone, but do not keep that from letting family and friends support you as you grieve the loss of this hoped for new addition to your family. They probably do not realize the depth of your sorrow and do not know how to help. I think the co-host wanted it to be true that you will feel fine after the D&C. It is ok to set her straight that emotionally it will take longer to feel even ok, much less fine.

Have you thought of having a ceremony with at least your husband and possibly other family members to celebrate the very brief life of that new baby? Sometimes that helps. How sensitive is your doctor to your sense of loss? Maybe he can suggest a counselor or you can contact KARA in your area.

Bless you and your baby and your husband and one year old.

N.

I have 3 wonderful and healthy daughters. Between my 2nd and 3rd daughters, I suffered a miscarriage like you, very similar circumstances. I think your friend is not sensitive to you at all, I'm surprised. Having a miscarriage is an emotional loss that takes away your hopes and dreams about who that baby could have been. If your friend suffered a miscarriage would she still feel and respond the same way? I doubt it. Certainly, a miscarriage is different than having a baby die in your arms, another friend of mine knew her baby would not live because they found a genetic disorder inutero. But any death, even that of a fetus, is so hard. It takes time to heal, and it may be quicker for you to recover than you believe now. But your friend is the one who should be more sensitive to your feelings right now. Would it help her to read the replies you get? My best thoughts are with you during this time. I've been there and I know how hard it is. It really made me realize how much I wanted my 3rd child, it really is a miracle.

I'm so sorry for your loss and NO you are not being overly sensitive. It is a big deal and very painful. I also experienced a miscarriage several years ago and had the D&C at the end of November. I attended Christmas Eve with my husband's family where my sister-in-law was pregnant and another cousin had a newborn there. I could barely stand it, everyone was happy and understandably focused on the babies. I could not hold the tears back and had to leave shortly after arriving. Everyone understood why I had to leave, but I wish I never went, it just seemed to re-open my very fresh wounds. Give yourself as much time as you need and don't make any commitments to attend the shower, just see how you feel then. Your true friends will understand and will be supportive of you during this very difficult time. Give your daughter lots of love and kisses, her laughter and love will be the best medicine in the world for you. Good luck and take it easy on yourself.
J.

Hi N.,
First of all, you have my sympathy-- I had three miscarriages, and I think the hardest part is that most people don't know so, as you say, you 'put on the happy face' cause it's such a private loss and you don't want 'just anyone' to know. Second,I have no idea what your co-host is talking about. I didn't feel better till my last pregnancy got past the all-critical 3rd trimester. I happen to be a family therapist, and if you were my client I would say: get out of the baby=shower hosting. You have to take care of you, and your friend will understand, even if your co-host doesn't. Maybe you could do more behind-the-scenes and skip the actual event, as a division of labor. Second, to help with the sadness, find some close friends to confide in, make sure you get your exe

Girl! Your friends will understand...let the other co host know what is going on and she can host it at her house...and heck, use the d and c as an excuse ...take your time....they will understand..and if htey don't....they are truely not the friends you thought they were.

Hi N.,

Truly sorry to hear of your miscarriage. Personally I have not experienced this, but have several friends and relatives who within this past year gone through several miscarriages (a friend just lost hers this past week). A few of my friends have dealt with 3 in a 6 month period. Very dramatic.

Just about everyone who was pregnant around the time I found out I was had dealt with a miscarriage or two, or even three as I mentioned earlier. It is a very difficult time emotionaly and physically. No one can expect you to heal as quick as another person, as we all deal with our grief differently. You will heal in due time. But do know, you are definately not a lone in this situation. It seems more common then I realized when I was pregnant.

I can only imagine going through this experience. Because when I was pregnant with my first child, I panicked each and everytime I stopped feeling him move in a 24hr period. Its a gift from god that we all are giving birth to. We treasure that gift. We already love it fully before this child had a name or welcomed into this world. This child becomes one with us. The changes we endure alone for 9 months makes us have a very special bond.

Then having to go through a loss so early on into your pregnancy, or even late into your trimesters, is very rough to deal with. Personally, from how i felt being pregnant, I would be crushed. It would probably fear having another child, as I do not deal well with loss. Again, please understand you are not alone. How you feel is okay. Don't ever allow someone to tell you otherwise.

You will get through this. Surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends and family. Embrace your daughter and just hold her in times of distress. My son is the only thing these tough days to make me feel loved, safe and warm inside. You have one miracle and when god is ready to give you a second, you will have a full term healthy baby.

Some never understand miscarriages, but i believe if that gift was meant to be, our bodies would not say otherwise. Never feel you were a reason why you had a miscarriage.

As far as your friends baby shower, personally I would not attend. It would be way too hard so soon after your D&C that you will be an emotional roller coaster. Heck, I had a rough time just attending baby showers when everyone around me was pregnant, and I had yet to even find a suitable partner to have a child to call my own. Its not easy.

Heal, take care of yourself, be happy again and do what you feel is right for you. If your friend can not be understanding (and she must know what your going through) and be a support, truly, and this is just my two sense, she really isnt a true friend. As a true friend would tell you to do what you need to do to heal. She would be understanding and supportive of you. And tell you, if you change your mind, please come as a guest, as you are welcome no matter what.

hang in there and again truly sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

Hi N.,
No matter how you look at it, it's still a loss in your life. You should grieve and let it out to begin the healing process within yourself. Denying yourself to grieve will only postpone the process and create resentment towards others who are pregnant or have newborns. I remember when I was pregnant with my second child; my girlfriend had a miscarrage with her second. It was a very sad time, but I wish she had told me then how difficult it was to see me pregnant instead of not talking and pretending that it didn't happen. I felt horrible and wanted to talk, but she didn't. Instead, during both of my pregnancies we just didn't talk about it and that was a shame b/c it was a joyful time for me but I couldn't share it with her.Later i found out she was resentful. In time, she worked it out. Today we are still close friends, but it could have gone better. Talk to your girlfriend and let her know how you feel. Use the 'I' form when you talk to her; something like, 'I would love to do the shower for you......', This is how I feel about it since my miscarrage.....'
Best Wishes!

Dear N.,
Miscarriages are terrible.
I know that all too well.
You are not being overly sensitive. Your feelings are very real.
I honestly cannot comprehend someone being so insensitive that they would still expect you to co-host a baby shower for someone else so soon after this. I would tell that person to find someone else.
Talk to your best friend who the shower is for and tell her that you love her and are happy for her, but under the circumstances, you just don't know if you are up to it. If she truly is your best friend, she would be the first to say, "Honey, don't worry about it. Is there anything I can do for YOU?"
Give yourself all the time that you need.
I remember just being in shock basically. It was like I couldn't believe what was happening and I couldn't even cry. I was shocked. I cried a lot when the tears finally came and I was able to process everything.
Everyone reacts differently but the main thing is to be true to yourself and your feelings. If other people don't understand, or don't care to, that's okay. Your wellness comes first.

Talk to your doctor about your feelings. I've been in the hospital a million times and believe me, there are nurses and surgical staff who have touched my life in so many ways with their compassion and understanding.
They never tell you it's no big deal.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Take care of yourself.

Something similar happened to me in my first pregnancy. I was completely shocked and very upset. It was hard to wait for the miscarriage to run its course (I was afraid of a D&C for whatever reason). My husband and I wanted to have a baby and every moment felt like a delay at that point.

This was a shock for you (not to mention your hormones are going crazy) so I would cut yourself some slack. It's totally normal to be upset and grieve. You will probably feel better (but not great) after the d&c, but it will take some time to get past. I dealt with it by talking to my friends and family. Some others don't handle it the same way, but there are support groups etc out there. I was surprised by how many other women had these types of stories too. It made me feel like "part of the group" instead of a reproductive failure.

Happily you have a beautiful daughter and one miscarriage doesn't mean you won't have other healthy children.

As for the shower, hosting does seem like a tough one and the co-host is being terribly insensitive. Depending on how you feel, you may hate being at the shower and it will be very difficult or you may feel sad but okay. The shower is more about your friend and celebrating her upcoming joy than anything else, but there will be lots of baby reminders. Perhaps they will remind you of your joy when your daughter was born instead of the pregnancy you lost? Only you can make that decision for yourself.

Having lived through a similar situation, I can confirm all of your feelings of loss, sorrow, anger, resentment, envy,etc. Your miscarriage feels more like a death than an "accident" you will "get over" soon. Your hormones are wacky,which only heightens your depression and sadness. You are not acting like a "baby." You are grieving a significant loss of someone you loved, your yet-to-be-born baby. Just because you had not yet held your baby, your baby was alive inside your body and heart. Give yourself a break. Allow yourself time to grieve and do not suffer for the sake of others because you think it is the socially correct thing to do. Perhaps your friend whose baby shower you're hosting could be kind enough to find another "host" for her shower. That sounds like a true friend. It is not her fault, but she could be more considerate and empathetic.

Your friend sounds very selfish...how is losing your child no big deal??? You have every right to be upset. I've been there and there is nothing worse then being so excited to hear the babies heart beat and then they search and they search and can't find it. You need to take some time to deal with your loss. If you are the co-host then there is a main host...let her deal with it. You need to take care of yourselve so that you are able to take care of your family... that comes first!
Drop a note if you want to talk anytime.

So sorry for your loss. Your posting was helpful for me b/c I have a close friend who just went on anti-depressants after her recent miscarriage. It is important for you to take time and reflect on what is best for you and your family, not the baby shower.

I don't think you should host the shower. It's too soon. Is there someone else who can host it and you can go (if you feel up to it that day) and be able to leave when you want to? Just tell them that things have changed and you simpy cannot host the shower. It's not open for discussion. Even tell them that your husband won't let you. If anyone is mad at you then you'll have to let them be mad, and be thankful that you know that they're not great friends. I went to a shower after I had had a miscarriage, and after the second or third pregnant woman got there, I really wasn't loving life too much. We stayed and smiled and didn't burden anyone with our woes, but we left eventually. You have to be able to leave! If it's at your house, you can't!

I really wish you the best - I'd love to know how you decide to handle this. Best of luck,
M.

You absolutely have every right to grieve as long as you need to, and your friends and co-host should understand this. Yes, your lost little one deserves this. Be calm but firm and explain that you need to take time for yourself to heal completely, mentally and physically. Find some other more supportive company and take all the time you need.

N.,
Go to www.nilmdts.org. It is a non-profit for families that have lost babies. Under that families section you can register and talk with other families that will understand exactly where you are and what you need.

Big hugs to you. Take care of yourself.

N.,

Pull out of co-hosting the friend's baby shower. A member of your family has died. Give yourself all the time and private space you need to grieve and acknowledge the deep sorrow of losing your baby, and all the dreams and future you planned for your own child.

You do not need to ask anyone's permission to take care of yourself in this time.

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. Don't let anyone rush you. It will take time to heal, and may feel like it's happening slowly, but you will. Remember your baby is still with you always, an angel. Hugs to you, mama.

I am so sorry for your loss because it is a loss! You have a right to feel however you want to feel. You don't have to put on a happy face if you are not happy. You need to grieve the loss of your child. Do not let the co-host make you feel like it is not a big deal. It is a big deal. If you don't want to host the shower anymore, let your friend know. Try to talk to her again about it and explain how you are feeling. I went through a miscarriage also, very early on, but it was really hard. It has been a year and a half and I still think about what the baby would have looked like, etc.
Take this time to grieve for your child and don't be too hard on yourself. Take care and give yourself some time.

Hi N.;

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking, and I know how you feel. I lost one just the same way when I was three months along. My other two children were looking forward to a new brother or sister, so we all had to grieve together. You are NOT overreacting, or being too sensitive. As mothers, we love our children at the moment of conception, or even before we know they exist in our bodies. You don't just "get over it" after a d&c, without going through the grieving process. Please allow yourself a little while to stay home and cry. It is therapeutic, and you will eventually be able to say goodbye, and let God take over from there. I came to the realization, finally, that the little one I lost was a little guardian angel for the rest of us that missed her. I hope this doesn't sound too corny...it is what I felt, and how I got through. You will find your own way, but you have to put your foot down with your friend (co-host) and tell her that you have to take care of yourself and go through the grieving process. Maybe you can ask one of your other friends/guests to take over for you. I know I would do it in a flash, if I were on the guest list! Because the shower is causing you more stress and worry NOW, you need to get it "off your list." Please take care of yourself...you are in my thoughts and prayers. :)

So sorry for your loss- it is very sad and even devastating- but I assure you over time you will have peace and you will be able to move on and be happy- although it doesn't seem like it now. I know, I've gone through this a few times :-( w/a wonderful outcome in the long run- as I'm sure you will too. But, as for the baby shower- that's pretty tough and unfair that your friend doesn't get it. I hate the cockiness of the whole pregnancy thing- you are blessed to get pregnant at all, much less make it to your baby shower honey, and if she can't understand that you are sad and need some time, then I'm not thrilled w/her opposite-of-humble attitude. But, if you can try to suck it up and realize you will be thrown a baby shower for your next one and it's all karma- and life is about showing character and integrity at difficult times- and that's what makes you a real mom vs. a clueless robot who takes things for granted :-) So, no matter what you do it's fine and things'll work out in the long run. Best of luck during this difficult time...

Hi N.,

I know you have tons of responses, but I felt I needed to respond as well. I had two miscarriages- in 2001, I had an ectopic and lost a fallopian tube; then in 2004, I miscarried at 11 weeks. Both were very difficult experiences, and though I had a lot of support, I still felt alone. I finally had a successful pregnancy and had my first baby last year.

Give yourself time to grieve and process your loss. People deal with things differently, and you are not over sensitive. I know women who got over miscarriages in a few weeks or months, and it took me years. Give yourself some time and pamper yourself as much as you can right now. Talk to people that make you feel good and can give you the support you need.

I'm sorry for your loss.

K.

First I would like to start by saying, God bless you. You sound like a woman who puts others before yourself and coming from a woman who does the same thing, I say think about yourself this ONE TIME... Although you were scheduled to Co-Host the babyshower for your best friend, she should understand why this can be a hard task to complete at this present time. Do she know of your circumstances? The best way to get throught this time is to be comfortable in sharing what's going on with those that love and care about you. She probably won't want to hurt you in that way by having you Co-Host the shower. Any person that tells you that it's not a big deal, has serious issues and you need to refrain from using their advice. Any MOTHER knows that that is a painful experience to go through and you have my deepest condolences. Think about YOU now.... God Bless

N.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I think that your feelings are completely natural. Anytime a woman has a miscarriage no matter how far along you are it can be very hard. Although I honor and respect your feelings about your loss, I would advise talking to the mama to be. I think your friend would be the one possibly dissapointed, not the other co-host. I would be concerned about my friend and showing my support for her and her baby. (Maybe you could let her know that you would attend until you felt that you were unable to put on a happy face, and then make a gracious exit.) Every baby that women choose to bring in this world should be honored, especially because as you know, life can be so fleeting. All the same, go easy on yourself. You and your feelings should be honored too. I hope that you find healing and comfort during this difficult time.

I would step down from co-host duties and warn your friend that you may or may not attend her shower depending on if you feel up to it.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. When I miscarried a friend shared with me her outlook on her miscarriage. We don't know why God puts this baby in us just to take it back so soon, but we need to trust that he knows what he is doing. I pray that he will bless you with the child that is perfect for you at some point down the road.
As for us we were blessed with an adopted son who needed a good home. It is amazing when you can look back on a portion of your life and see that bad things did happen for a good reason.
Don't worry about what others think. If you need time to grieve, take it and don't feel guilty. We all react in different ways and you need to do what works for you.

N.,

I also suffered a miscarriage of twins several years ago. The same thing happened - there was no heartbeat and the ultrasound confirmed that they had died. I was sad and anxious at first to get the D&E done, but it was Thanksgiving week and there were no available appts. Over that weekend, I realized that I could feel better about what had happened. A priest friend of my husband and I suggested that we could name the babies, baptize them and give them a proper burial. And so that was what we did. I felt better about it, that God did not take something away from us, but gave us two little ones who now await us in heaven. I completely understand your feelings of wanting to cry and it is normal to feel sad - and I do not think you need to pretend that everything is alright. You need to find people to talk to who will listen to your pain and give you sympathy and encouragement. It is a big deal to lose a child, even if that child was not yet born. I know how hard it must be to give a baby shower to someone else at this time in your life. But there are many times when we must put aside our own feelings to celebrate the happiness of others. After my miscarriage, I went on to have two more children, in addition to the child we already had before the miscarriage. Although I tell people that I have three children, in my heart, I know that I have five children. And it gives me great comfort to think that two of them are already safe in heaven. I hope and pray that you too can find peace of mind. Also, stay close to your husband because he too is in pain from this loss - but through it, you can grow closer to one another. As best you can, take the bad that comes, learn from it and make good come from it. All the best!

T.

What a thing to go through...I'm so sorry to hear about it. Miscarriage is a loss, and there are the natural steps of grief that will need to be felt until you completely heal from it. Nobody can tell you how to grieve, it is deeply personal. About a "happy public face," we only truly show deep feelings when we feel we are in a safe place where people will respond appropriately to our expressed vulnerability, so this again is a deeply personal matter. You need to work out how you truly feel about this loss and not be apologetic towards the handful of people choosing to not express compassion and allow you your space and time.

A brief side point...don't know how far along you are, but at 7.5 weeks I was told there was no heartbeat on my beautiful baby girl, however I asked my doctor that instead of a D&C we try putting me on prometrium (progesterone)for a week to see what happens. Well, my little one doubled her size and there was a heart beating by 8.75 weeks. My doctor was amazed...and we were sure that that was how far along I was because we had been ttc and had been charting everything. She's 7 now. A friend told me the same thing happened with her, now 5 year old, little girl. We are all so different though...and many of our stories end differently. Whatever the case, I hope you find what you need to get through this difficult time.

Kind Regards.

OMG. This is so not "not a big thing." I had a miscarriage between my two children. And no matter how many people told me it happened to them and it happens all the time, I was horrified. I wanted that baby so bad and all I kept thinking was what I could have done wrong. I did nothing wrong. It happens. But that didn't make me feel any better. I was depressed for weeks and still get teary-eyed at my appointments when they ask how many children do you have and how many pregnancies have you had. My last child is three, and I still have feelings for that lost child. Everyone is different. You are right to feel what you are feeling. It will be easier after the D&C is over, but you will also be dealing with your hormones coming back down. See how you feel. I can't imagine anyone would hold it against you if you decided to skip on the shower.

N.,

You have every right to be sad and mourn the loss of your baby. My sister has had 4 miscarriages (genetic problem in our family) and each one has been devistating to her and the rest of our family. It doesnt matter how soon you had the miscarriage, it is still painful, and you are still loosing something you could never imagine loosing. Not that I suggest this, but my sister was pretty much in bed for 3 weeks with her last miscarriage (it happened after artificial insemination). She was angry when she saw pregnant women, she especially hated hearing about teenagers who just happened to get knocked up and dont want it...stuff like that just sent her over the edge. Now, as far as not going to the baby shower...Is it a really good friend? If it is a very good friend, I would consider trying to go. My sister didnt come to my baby shower last year because it was too hard on her because of the 2 miscarriages. I understood, but in all honesty i was hurt. This is my one and only sister, my best friend, and she wasnt there. There have been times where she hasnt been present in my sons life because it was too hard for her. I know that I will never (hopefully) understand her pain, but I would hope that for the sake of my son it would be put aside sometimes. I understand not wanting to put on a fake smile and celebrate something for someone that you just loss. I am just coming from that persons point of view...but please know I am not belittling your feelings, I am sooooo sorry for your loss. I am just trying to give you some persepective from the other side. I wish you all the best and just know that it does get easier to deal with over time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck with everything. Oh, also, in the end you need to do whats right for you...if that means not going, then dont go, despite what i've said about being hurt from my sister.

I am in tears writing this. You're co-host "friend" is insensitive to this ... either she is not a mom or hasn't experienced something similar or her life is so chaotic she doesn't have any empathy for you. Stay away from her until you've healed.

You MOST DEFINITELY are in mourning. This was a life inside of you. Before I had kids, I thought life began at birth but once I felt pregnant (immediately once I got pregnant) I knew life began long before I thought it did. For whatever reason ... we may never know why ... this life didn't continue to fruition (is that the right word?) but it was definitely a life that touched yours. If you feel like sobbing, call someone to watch the kids and get in the shower and sob. Emotions are fluid. Let the waters flow through you. Read books on mourning for more suggestions. One friend of mine wrote and still writes letters to her unborn/miscarried child and even celebrates significant days like the due date and death date.

Surround yourself with people who've been there and/or empathetic people. Sometimes husbands do not get this one so reach out to moms who've been there. You do NOT have to do anything you don't want to do. I don't care what you promised. Things changed for you. Something bigger has come up and you have to attend to it ... that's all you have to tell anyone. Just to curb their curiosity you can say, "I can't talk now, I've got to go but when I can talk more about it, I'll call you."

Take care of yourself. Nuture yourself. Hold yourself. Love yourself. That's what you need to do right now. My sympathies.

I almost forgot to mention, I thought I saw a book on coping after a miscarriage online earlier this week ... I can't seem to find it now. Ok, I googled "books, miscarriage, healing" and linked to Amazon who lists 3:
Our Stories of Miscarriage: Healing With Words by Rachel Faldet
Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart by Marie Allen
I Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing... by Ellen M. Dubois

There might be more.

HI, I know how you feel; I have been there a few times. My advice is to go straight to your friend who is having the baby and tell her you cannot co-host and depending on how you feel at the time, you may or may not be able to attend. A real friend would support you. If it is easier you could even write her a letter or card to let her know you are happy for her and excited for her but too sad to be in a social situation, instead when you are feeling better you will take her to lunch to celebrate.

Your friend may think she is doing you a favor to make light of it; my guess is she has never been in this position.

You should be alone and grieve, scream, cry - whatever feels right. You can never be overly sensitive when it comes to a loss like this so just be good to yourself right now.

As I mentioned I have gone through a few losses and the first option was never a D&C. In one case at eight weeks there was no heartbeat. Instead of doing a D&C there was a pill my Dr. inserted (not one you take orally) and that worked in place of D&C. It was a lot less traumatic than a D&C so PLEASE get a second opinion or ask your Dr. about this. I had to have a D&C at another time and was a total emotional mess after it.

Dear N.,

I am so sorry for your loss! I think that if you explain to your friend that while you are very happy for her new baby, you just aren't in a position to publicly celebrate. I think that since she is your best friend, she will understand and empathize. It's quite possible that you will feel better in three weeks (sad, but better), and going may not be a big deal, but I am guessing that co-hosting is going to be too much stress for you and you should bow out in no uncertain terms. Take care of yourself!

M.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult to deal with a micarriage. It is the loss of a part of yourself. No one should be telling you how to feel. It is an incredibly emotional event and you are allowed to feel sad and cry. When I had a miscarriage, I found it helpful to release a balloon in the park as a memorial to a little life lost. You will recover and get pregnant again but give yourself some time to grieve. As far as co-hosting your friend's baby shower, see if you feel up to it in a week or so. It's hard to not feel sad and a little jealous that she gets to continue her pregnancy when you have suffered such a loss, but you have to keep in mind that nature has a way of taking care of things. You should still be there to support her. If you do not feel up to it, let her know that you are happy for her but just don't feel like celebrating right now. Good luck. Hugs! My thoughts are with you.

As to feeling fine right after...I don't know who this friend is, but she has no idea what she's talking about. I went through the same thing, right down to the first ultrasound. Everytime I saw a kid in public I wanted to cry. Every time I saw a baby on TV I wanted to cry. I had a friend who got pregnant a month after I did. We were both a little weird about it, to tell you the truth. She wasn't sure if I would want to be around her (neither was I), so she avoided me for a few weeks. I'm not sure I could've hosted her baby shower three weeks after I had the miscarriage. I was a wreck for months and months (almost a year). The fact is, this is a really big deal. You lost a child, and anyone who belittles that child's life, no matter how brief, is callous and foolish. If you're concerned about being rude to your friend by backing out of the shower, try to talk to her on the phone and explain the situation. Tell her you don't want to ruin her happy occasion by bursting into tears, that she should be the center of attention on that particular day, not you. Tell her you're miserable and don't want to bring it with you. If she's any kind of friend at all, she will understand completely. If she knows already, she might have already shed a few tears in sympathy, particularly given the fact that she has yet to give birth, and anything is possible (God forbid). After my miscarriage, I spoke with a grief counselor who was very helpful. I also attended a peer support group at the local hospital.
Remember, just because you didn't get to hear your little one's heartbeat or see his or her little angel face, does not mean for an instant that that sweet little baby didn't exist. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Dear N.,

My first pregnancy was a miscariage and yes . . . it was very emotional. What made it harder is that my sister-in-law was also pregnant and we were du 2 weeks apart. Of course, she had a beautiful healthy baby which I'm happy she did . . . but it did make things a little harder for me for a little while. I would talk to your best friend . . . I hope she would understand. Don't do something you are not ready to do (like hosting the baby shower). Also, one thing that helped me very much was to write a letter to this little baby that I did not really meet in person. Lots of crying but it did get the emotions out. Good luck!!

N., I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Coming from someone who has been there 5 times myself, I totally know how you are feeling. Those that have not been in that situation don't even understand. For me, it was very hard to be around or even see pregnant people, always asking the "why did this happen to my baby?" I think you should do what is best for you when it comes to your friend's baby shower. If she is truly your best friend, she should understand. The other co-host should be able to find additional help, and should also understand your situation. You should not feel guilty what-so-ever. Everyone deals with miscarriage in their own way. For me, I took each one of them very hard. Luckily, I, too, have an extremely supportive husband and leaned on him tremendously. To this day, I look at my two daughters (and my unborn son) with amazement and wonder what special people they will be since they were strong enough to survive. You will cherish your baby so very much. Motherhood is amazing. I wish you the best. Take care.

It seems to me the co-host doesn't have kids or is being very insensitive to your loss. I think you have every right to feel the way you do - it is very difficult to lose a child and for someone to make you feel like you should be over it in a matter of days is WRONG. Personally, I think you have every right to pull out of this baby shower and stay away, especially if that is what will help you heal. Do not feel obligated at all - you just experience a horribly sad loss and you should not feel like you should be over it. I am very sorry for your loss and wish you luck!!

I am so sorry for your loss. It IS a big deal. The co-hoster seems very insensitive. I'm sure your best friend would understand if you bowed out. I don't think you need to put yourself through that especially since there is another host who can take over. You need time to grieve your loss. Don't feel guilty. If you are comfortable with it, I would keep the lines of communication open with your best friend. People often don't know how to act when you lose someone and a miscarriage is just that. She is in an even more delicate position because she has a healthy pregnancy. I'm sure she will want to be supportive but may not know how. You may have to tell her how to help you get through this. In my experience people want to help and make you feel better, they just don't know how. You are in my prayers. Oh, and screw the co-host. Who cares what she thinks.

N.

You feel sad, and rightly so. Your friends sounds like she is concerned about the party and not your loss. She wants you to feel better by then so the party can run smoothly and that is why she said that. If you don't feel better, don't be hard on yourself, it is a very hard thing to deal with. As for putting on that happy face, I think you do that by instinct because you don't want everyone asking you if you are ok, or wanting to know what is wrong. I had my friends and family spread the word not to ask me about it, because when they did I would cry. Work on grieving for you loss, you can't put a time table on that. Some people are fine right after, but some are not. My Aunt still thinks about the baby she lost every year around that time and it has been 13 years!
You can be happy for your friend, because that is also important. But I would have an escape plan for leaving early in case you start to feel teary or just need to get out of the party. I'm sure if you talk with your friend she would understand.
Best of luck to you and your family!

Hi N..

I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know that it is alright to grieve. I have had 6 miscarriages, mostly before the 3rd month, but one was just after 3 months and one was at 6 months. I know how hard it is, no matter how far along you were. The thing is that each miscarriage is different, and nobody but you knows what you are going through. I don't know why I was able to get up and move on right away after a couple of them, while others took much longer, and of course the one at 6 months is something I will never stop grieving over, even after 14 years. Nobody can tell you how you will feel tomorrow. And yes, it is a big deal and truly hurts.

If you feel like you want to be real in public, then go ahead. It might actually make you feel better to let people know your true feelings than to cover them up to spare their feelings.

The thing I am more concerned about is this baby shower. Has your best friend even offered to let you off the hook with it? I think you should not put yourself in the position of hosting if you are not up to it. And if you feel better in a couple of weeks, then why not be a guest at the shower and help out when you can? Don't even worry about whether or not others think you are selfish, because if they are thinking that, then they are the selfish ones. You lost a loved one, just the same as losing an older child or parent. You need to grieve and sometimes that will take a while. Please be sure to allow yourself to do that.

I would also recommend seeing someone to talk to. Not that you need a counselor, but I missed out on a lot of good resources and didn't know how to get through the grieving with my first one.

Another thing, I hope your husband is supportive, but if not, don't get mad at him. Men really just don't have any idea what it is like for the mom. They actually do hurt too, but they don't know how to show it and sometimes they come off as being over it quickly when you are still grieving. Make sure he knows how you really feel. Ask for his support.

One last thing. Don't give up. There is still hope for the next one. In between my 6 miscarriages I had two perfectly healthy sons who fill my life with joy. You will always remember your baby, but make sure your little one gets lots of hugs and kisses from you now. She will help you heal just by the joy she brings you.

God bless you, N.. Make sure at this time that you do what is right for you. You are the one that is healing right now and you have to give yourself time and space to do that.

I guess I have a different opinion than most but I think that you need to be there for your best friend. In three weeks you will hopefully be feeling better about it and if you don't go then you will likely be mad at yourself for not going. Are you still going to be too upset to go see your best friend and the new baby when he or she arrives??? You need to put on your game face and go to the shower. I

I've been there, and I totally know how you feel! I think your friend would completely understand if you're not up to doing the shower--just explain it to her. Do the medical things you gotta do, and curl up with your hubby and have a good cry. A miscarriage is loss of a baby (even if only the parents knew about it), and it is NORMAL to grieve, so let yourself do it. Take it easy on yourself for a few weeks.

N.-
It is perfectly normal AND healthy to grieve. If your friend is brushing it off, she may be denying her own feelings and not want it to interfere with her current pregnancy. However, that is completely without grace, and you need all the love you can get right now. Take some time for yourself, even if that means you need to excuse yourself from the shower. Honestly, my sister in law lost her baby at 5.5 months, and it has taken her years to properly grieve because she was afraid to. See a counsellor, talk to your husband and your closest friends and family, and spend as much time loving on your current little one as possible. YOur heart will heal and you are not being too sensitive. You need to grieve the loss of your child, no matter the age of the baby. One other thing to realise is that as terrible as they are, miscarriages are normal. They are natures way of taking care of business. Your body knows when something is not right. So while you are grieving, work through the science and miracle of your own body. The sooner you are able to deal with your loss, the sooner you can move on to trying (if you want to) again.
I hope this helps. =)
-E.

I've been there, too, and I think you're perfectly right to excuse yourself, and I can't imagine a friend not being understanding.

In my case, I didn't grieve much as that particular pregnancy was a complete surprise, would have been fairly bad timing, and my nausea disappeared before the first appt. so I was expecting the news we got.

HOWEVER -- we waited at least a week before scheduling the D&C, and we didn't just go by ultrasound. My hormone levels were also checked to be sure they were falling and we did at least three ultrasounds more than a week apart.

We were SO cautious because there was no heartbeat when I went for my first drs visit with my first pregnancy. A second ultrasound 5 days later was inconclusive, but I was very nauseous and my hormone levels were rising.

I went back for a third ultrasound 1.5 weeks later (we were away for Christmas -- the timing!), and everything was perfectly normal.

After the second ultrasound, the dr. had braced me for bad news ("it's probably not good, but sometimes we're surprised"), so I was more than a bit surprised at the third ultrasound!

Like another poster, were were VERY sure of the dates, but that baby is a happy, healthy 8 year old now!

I have no idea how far along you are or whether or not your dr. has also checked your hormone levels, but unless you're sure you're very far along in the first trimester (10-11 weeks?), it wouldn't hurt to wait a week or so and check one more time. I think I had my D&C about 3 weeks after the embryo had stopped developing, maybe even longer.

As far as what you'll be feeling, while a D&C is an outpatient procedure, I stayed home from work for at least one more day, and felt weaker than usual for at least a week (I had general anesthesia.) I also did OK hormonally, but my levels had been dropping slowly for probably several weeks before the procedure.

Take care of yourself!

N. I am sorry for your loss. I understand completely how you feel. Miscarriage is very common and most of us have experienced it. Needless to say, you move on. You will have your baby..it is okay to feel sorrow for your loss for as long as you need to. The key is to be healthy and stay positive and know your time will come. You take care of yourself and let us know when you are expecting again!

It seems you have already gotten lots of responses. But I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone reacts differently and have different coping mechanisms. So it makes perfect sense you wouldn't want to be sad in public and then have to tell people why you are sad etc..

As far as the baby shower, you have every right not to go!! And if the girl having the shower (not the other host) is your good friend, she will totally understand that it maybe difficult for you to be there.

My thoughts are with you, it is a loss at any stage and it is never easy. Good luck!

Your friend is being an insensitive, selfish B*#@>.
The D & C will help with the cramping and bleeding - it won't stop it completely. Go get the Costco box of pads and panti-liners. I'm so sorry - I've miscarried 3 times in the last year and had an ectopic pregnancy before we had our son. The hormones that are still in your body from the pregnancy will take at least a month to settle down - you will feel like a crazy person even if you didn't know you were having a miscarriage you'd still feel nuts. Your next period will be brutal too.
You need to mourn - you lost a potenetial baby - you probably fell in love with the little imp as soon as the 2 lines appeared on the pregnancy test, right?
Honey, I shopped for cribs and picked out bedding for both sexes - had the room decorated in my head - just waiting for the magic 13th week to tell the family, etc.
You need to take lots of long hot showers with a glass of wine and scream your head off. Go have a spa day and cry on the massage table. Buy some outrageously expensive shoes and make hubby hug you twice every morning. You will get through this - you may need a little counselling or a support group - since your friend isn't very supportive.
She is excited about her own bundle of joy and doesn't know how to be there for you without facing the possiblilty that this could have happened to her. People don't know what to say - I even had an OBGYN tell me on the exam table that I shouldn't cry - this happens all the time and I certainly wouldn't want a deformed baby would I? I should be grateful for my son ( you'll hear that too) as if wanting another baby means he isn't good enough or something and the hippies will tell you it's better for the damn planet to only have 1 child due to overpopulation in Africa.
Hang in there - I've got some books you can read - they helped with the mental side of it. If you have another pregnancy SCREAM and yell to get in for a scan ASAP and insist they don't put it off to the 10th week.
You aren't being a baby, you are being normal.
Let me know if you want to talk or read those books - I'll mail them to you and you can pass them on to Goodwill when you're done reading.
Crying in Safeway is embarrassing - so shop online for a while. Hug your beautiful girl she will heal you more than anything.
You aren't alone.
My favorite quote helps " This too, shall pass."

N.-

I'm so sorry. Many years ago, I experienced the exact same thing. After several early miscarriages, I was thrilled to be holding the pregnancy into my 16th week. Then, same as you, came that day when no heartbeat could be found and the D&C was performed. Happily, several years later, I did bring my awesome son into the world.

There is no way around your feelings and you should be true to them. Mourning is a necessary process. Try to be true to yourself and not be forced into ignoring your feelings for the sake of making impressions. I'm sure that if you gently and truthfully told your friends that you are healing and have a difficult time seeing them pregnant for a while, they will more than understand. It was a blessing to me to receive people's honest attempts to help and comfort me. Unfortunately, well-meaning people also say hurtful things with no ill intent. They do mean well, try to remember that.

Give yourself time to heal.

Blessings-
L.

Hi N.,
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. And the co-host who says you'll be fine after the d&c is crazy! You will probably feel worse not better after that since you will offically not be pregnant anymore and it may very well sink in more. I went through a miscarriage at 11 weeks about a year and a half ago and it is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I would be somewhat ok and then lose it and burst into tears minutes later. It is hard!! You have lost a child and there's no way to convince your mind that you didn't. It will get easier with time but just be patient with yourself and ignore people who think you should be over it already, they have probably never been through it and don't get it. I got pregnant about 4 months after my miscarriage and that is when I finally started to feel ok. And I think it's only because I was having another baby. I really felt after the miscarriage like I was missing something. Normally when you're pregnant you go through the pain of delivery and at the end take home a sweet little baby to make it all worth it. With a miscarriage you go through much of the pain but at the end you have nothing and I really felt like I was missing my baby, like I NEEDED my baby! Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. The baby shower thing is up to you, I'm sure your friend will understand if you can't do it. I wish you the best with getting pregnant again and having a healthy pregnancy. S.

There is no right way or wrong way to feel after something like this. It took me awhile to feel better after my miscarriage and agree, it was tough to be around pregnant woman. Give yourself time to heal. I am sure the co-host was not trying to be insensitive by acting as though it was no big deal.

Take your time and do what is right for you. If co-hosting the shower just won't work, then don't do it. No reason to be there and be miserable. And I am sure your friend, the guest of honor would understand, just be honest. Do what you can for the shower before hand, but just let the co-host and guest of honor know you will not be attending.

Good luck and I am so very sorry. It is a tough thing to go through. Just know there are lots of us out here like you, and I went on to have a beautiful little girl. I just believe there must have been a reason...

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You have every right to be upset. I had 2 miscarriages myself and was very depressed. Don't let anyone else influence how you feel. I say host the party if you want to if not excuse yourself due to sad circumstances. Everyone will understand. More importantly you need to focus on you healing and loving your 1 year old daughter. Use your husband for support and remember what you already have and pray to start again if that is what you desire.

L.

Hi N..

You have already been given some great advice, so I won't add to it, but I just wanted to send you my support and tell you that this is not something you should be trying to 'get over', that it IS a big deal and I would guess your friend has probably never been through it if she thinks it isn't. You go ahead and feel whatever it is you are feeling. That is the only way you can heal.

I lost a baby in August and it's coming up to the due date and I don't cry anymore, but I still think about it every day. Don't forget that you lost a child. Even though you never met him/her you still had hopes and dreams for this baby and you should allow yourself the time to mourn that.

Take care of yourself. Give your beautiful daughter a great big hug and remember how lucky you are to have her in your life. Sending you loads of support. D..x

No, you are NOT being overly sensitive. Your baby has died. You never had a chance to know this baby, but you still had hopes and dreams and wishes for this child. Your hormones are fluctuating wildly. Going to a baby shower rubs your loss in your face. Cohosting the shower would be very difficult. It sounds as if your cohostess has never had a miscarriage, and doesn't have much imagination.
I had three miscarriages, and there were baby showers that I did not go to because I would not have been able to rejoice with the mother-to-be. My first miscarriage was nearly 30 years ago; I now have two wonderful children (both in their 20's); and the miscarriages are no longer part of my daily life, but writing this, I am in tears again as I remember how hard that time was.
You are giving this shower for your best friend--I hope that she has the sensitivity to understand how hard this time is for you, and that you are able to rejoice with her--but talk honestly with her. And think carefully about whether you want to be there--bursting into tears in the middle of the shower would be a downer!
My prayers are with you.

Hi N.. NO you are NOT being overly sensitive. And yes it IS a big deal. Whomever told you it's not obviously doesn't understand the magnitude of your loss & in my opinion, is being a little insensitive. You should not feel as if you have to fake your way through your friend's baby shower. They should understand. Everyone who miscarriages mourns in their own way and you shouldn't have to explain your feelings or WHY you're feeling the way you do. Go through the emotions because it's how you're going to heal. I, myself had a miscarriage 10 years ago as well & shut down completely for a long time but I dealt with it the way I knew how & now I'm fine, have 2 kids and I'm okay talking about it. Hope this helps. Take care.

N.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I completely understand and have been through a D&C for the loss of my baby. First let me say, your feelings are completely normal- you have had a tremendous loss and any stage of a pregnancy loss is still a loss.No one can take that away from you. It sounds like your friend was trying to make you feel better, not knowing that it really made you feel worse. She is not right about saying you will feel totally fine and its not a big deal-- it is a big deal! You just lost your child. As far as the baby shower, take it one day at a time-- focus on yourself right now and what you need and don't worry about what is happening in 3 weeks. You may feel better, you may not, but you should get all the support you can for you right now to help you through it. Also, ask your doctor for pain meds afterwards.It is painful and you will definitely need something before,during and after. I am not sure how far along you are, but I was in my 2nd trimester when mine happened and had to be put to sleep to have it done. Take good care of yourself and its really good that you are allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel- thats part of the healing process!

Molly

I am so very sad to hear of your loss. No matter how short the pregnancy these babies become part of our family the moment we know they are there.We right away dream dreams of who they will be. You are not being to sensitive. Your feelings a very real and deep because you already know the love for a baby and you loved this one no less. A friend of mine was going to give me a baby shower with my mom when she lost her pregnancy early on right when they were planning the shower. I was not about to do anything that would add to her sorrow so I told my mom I didn't want to have a shower at all. If this is for your best friend I would imagine she'll be calling you to offer her love and support and let you know you are not expected to be at the shower or continue in the planning .Take the time you need to grieve for your little baby and then do make sure to share in your friends joy and let her know it's okay. It's a hard spot to be in on the other side too. Taking your feelings into account ,she'll most likley reserve her feelings of happiness. At least that what I would do. Hugs to you my fellow mama

You are not overly sensitive. You have the right to feel the way you do. You lost your baby and that requires a grieving process that shouldn't have a time limit and people shouldn't minimize the loss. I have been there.

You are absolutely correct in your assessment N.. You are grieving the loss of your child, and you should spend that alone time and break down and let it all out. I would be a little hurt by your friend's comment, just because if it was her in your shoes, how would she feel.

Be authentically you - including the hurts and the losses. Grieve for the child and let the sorrow come. If you try to keep it inside, it will only come out in unhealthy, unproductive ways. And then when you feel it is time to release it, release it - be complete with it so you can go on and have joy.

Good luck and much love to you!

M. S.

N.

I am very sorry, I went through a similar thing in December of 2007 with my 4th child. I was 12 weeks pregnant and the baby had no heart beat. First everything you are feeling is normal and if you don't feel like doing the babyshower than I wouldn't it. It took me several months before I was comfortable around a pregnant lady and the month my baby was due was tough for me.

NOw, how far along are you? If you are too early they would not be able to detect a heart beat, so if you are earlier than 10 weeks I would wait a little longer to make sure that there really is not a heart beat. With my 3rd they told me I was not pregnant and wanted to schedule the D & C but I didn't and he is a happy almost 2 year old. I quess I am saying just make sure you are far enough along that they definately wouldn't detect a heartbeat.

Hi N.,

I think the co-host is pretty insensitive. What you are feeling is normal and you need and have the right to work through you feelings at your own pace. My niece was expecting at the same time her good friend was and her friend lost the baby. The friend went ahead and attended the shower, and a couple of people who didn’t know she lost the baby asked her when her baby was due and she, of course, burst into tears and the people felt horrible.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to deal with the shower. I recommend that you just get your gift to your friend, contribute what you can (decorations, food, etc.) without attending. Anyone with a heart will understand how you feel.

I’m sorry for you loss and will pray for you and your family.

Blessings…..

Hey N.- I am soo sorry to hear about your little baby...just remember God has a plan for every person and maybe something went wrong when their little DNA was lining up and this baby would have not survived or had medical issues, etc. SO, I say grieve for yor baby but be thankful and focus on your little one yr old and don't miss out on a moment of joy with her. I say try and hang tough for your friends shower because someday, when that little baby is born, you will be glad you were there to share in the joy you originally felt for your friend and her baby. Not saying it won't be hard and certainly, it is ok to cry, in fact, you should...even if you have to excuse yourself to another room during the party because it is emotional and you might need a minute- but then, remember the joy you have for your friend and collect yourself and trudge forward and try to enjoy her happiness. Your time will come again and she will be there with you to celebrate the next stage of your life. Hang in there- these are tough times but you'll make it through- especially if you focus on the joy in your daughter and hubby...take some time to cry and to smell the flowers- time heals!
HUgs

Just wanted to add one more "no, you are not being to sensitive"! I had a miscarriage before my son and grieved very privately (hardly anyone knew that we were pregnant), but it takes time. Do what is best for you - that should be your priority.
I have a 4 year old daughter and 6 (next week) year old son. I miscarried on the first teacher workday before school started (I teach high school science). We had a second teacher workday, and the only person I told at school at the time was the office secretary, because her daughter had just had a miscarriage, too.
It is very common to have a miscarriage, that doesn't mean it is easy.

Hi N.,

My heart goes out to you, I too had a miscarriage in 2006 so I can relate. It is hard to figure out how you want to be, you don't want to be sad in public probably because you don't want to have to answer questions and bring up the hurt and sadness. People around me were always trying to cheer me up and make me forget about it, but since it had never happened to them they couldn't really know what I was going through.

Th co-host of this baby shower was wrong to tell you what she did, everyone has a right to feel what they feel and it is a hard situation to deal with. My sister was pregnant when I lost my child and everytime I would see her I would get sad, which she understood. Your friend who is having the baby will understand your feelings about not being able to come to/host her baby shower.

Don't let anyone make you feel you don't have the right to feel what you are feeling. Take the time to grieve for yourself and your family :)

N.,

Don't feel guilty, you've suffered a TREMENDOUS loss and you need to grieve. Perhaps you can find another friend or relative to host the baby shower and write your friend a note explaining how raw your emotions are.

People may be assuming it's not a big deal because you're acting like it's not. There's nothing wrong with keeping on a game face in public, but make sure to take care of yourself and give yourself permission to grieve as long and as hard as you need. You can tell people that you're having a hard time without falling apart when you do it.

After I lost a baby I decided to treat myself to a haircut. One of the hairdressers had her baby there and really needed me to notice it (though I tried to ignore her). I ended up sobbing uncontrollably and got the fastest haircut on record.

The rawness will pass, but you need to take care of yourself in the meantime.

Hang in there and love yourself!

Oh, honey you have every right to be sad. I just had a miscarriage as well, at the end of Jan. You just lost your child, and no you are not being overly sensitive. It will be very difficult for you to be involved with the baby shower and your friend should be more understanding. No things will not be magically better after the D&C. You still lost a child and you are going to have the added hormones to deal with so that just makes getting thru this even harder. If you don't feel up to co-hosting than don't. You may feel better by the time of the babyshower but right now you don't. Do not let anyone tell you that you have no right to grieve for your child.

I will tell you the one thing that helped me feel better was to write a goodbye to my unborn child. I can also relate to trying to put on a happy face, It was just that when no one was looking I could not stop crying. It will get better, but allow yourself time to grieve.

(((hugs))

R.

I too just went through this with a blighted ovum. Please don't feel bad about the way you react in public. You still have the hormones and it is hard to accept. Everyone that has been in this situation reacts like you are, it is a coping mechanism so we don't have to discuss it. Secondly, please don't do the baby shower. It isn't fair to you or your friend. Just explain to her that you cannot do it. If she doesn't know you were pregnant, you don't have to tell her. If you change your mind then just go as a guest. As for how you will feel after the D&C depends on the person. I am still saddened by my loss, but I am not crippled anymore. It has been almost 9 months. I still tear up when I see new babies. This month is hard because it would have been the birth month. My point is she cannot tell you how you will feel. You won't know how you will feel until you are at the party - if you go. I would advise against it, but make up for it in another way for your friend. Also, remember that this won't affect you being able to get pregnant again.

N.,
I am so sorry for your loss, and it IS a loss, and you are grieving. Maybe it is not like grieving a person that you've known in life, but it is grieving the loss of something you want, and dreams you had about this potential person. I am suprised at the insensitivity of your co-host, but either she hasn't been through it or she is denying her own feelings of loss. I would be honest with your friend. Tell her that you are truly happy for her, and want to be there for her, but you're grieving and you are afraid to be moping at her shower because you want it to be her special day. If she is a good friend she will understand and you'll figure something out. Maybe just talking about it will make you feel better about being there. That is what true friendship is about, sharing the joys and sadness of life. If you are not being real with your people you are not giving them a chance to be your friends.

You're hurting and you need to heal. a D&C is like having a baby and your body will react the same way. You could be out of commission for two weeks. emotionally and physically. Can you arrange to go out of town during the baby shower? You should NOT be there. Even if you or your friend think you can handle - and even if you DO handle it - it is NOT healthy for you to bring all these feelings to the surface in an environment where you feel you cannot express them or deal with them. Tell your friends you have a family emergency (which you totally do !!!) and go out of town.

Wow, you have so many people out there giving you great advice. I, too, have been through this. I had 2 miscarriages. The last one was a year and a half ago and I lost it on my birthday of all days.
I don't have anything different to add. I hope you find the support you need. Everyone grieves differently and at thier own pace so if you are not ready to help out with your friends shower and if she is really a true friend, she will understand. Take care of you and grieve as long as you need. Huge hugs to you!

Hi N.,

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Your pain is real and your friend should be more understanding with regards to the baby shower. I think it's fine to admit that you can't handle the baby shower right now, but make sure to let your friend who's having the baby know that you love her and give her a nice gift. Also, tell the co-host that you'll help her out with the organization of the party, but that you don't plan to attend because it is too painful right now. Two of my friends have had five miscarriages and believe me, it is way more common that most think. One of those friends now has 3 children and the other has two beautiful twins, after several attempts at invitro and several miscarriages. If you have a church or synogogue, most have support groups and its a great way to share your feelings with others. Our pastor gave a great sermon last week about why it was a good thing for us to go through triles and tribulations. It makes us more compassionate individuals and often closer spiritually to God. N., it's ok to grieve and not put on a happy face for while, but don't give up hope, pray about it.

It may take some time to get over this loss. I would go with your feelings. If you are not comfortable hosting, then that might just be the way you feel. It would be better that you step back from hosting than go to the shower and feel horrible and start crying or something which could ruin the shower for your friend. I have not had a miscarriage, but had an abortion which actually was almost 8 years ago and now that I do have had a baby I think about it sometimes and wonder what life would have been like had I had a baby. I know it is not the same, but it is a loss of life, just as yours is and it will take time to get over. Give yourself a break and trust yourself and your feelings. If you don't trust yourself, who else will?