How often should hubby call? We will be visiting family and friends all month and we want to enjoy this trip without her starting fights or accusing us of moving away to be with my family. She has problems which make me want to never call, but we want to be fair and reasonable. No, we are not moving.
She was repeatedly diagnosed and everyone knows it. She claims she can't get texts because the phone is too hard, but I LOVE that idea. I would never call, but it is his mother. He thinks every 4 days when I am not around will be enough and he will just hang up when she starts it. Her grandkids claim the cell phones die or they lost coverage.
She has a husband right there who frankly goes to town to avoid her quite often. She has a couple of people that call her daily because she gives them money. She runs people off by her words and behavior. Hubby called her once a month when he was in college and she would call his roommate daily back before caller id. He prefers to call his dad, but they do speaker phone because no one wants to talk to her.
We understand it it her problem and she is trying to hold us hostage. She is 70 now and he just wants to have as much peace as possible because she will never change.
I can't say anything bad because I could easily be that MIL someday. I don't mean the starting fights part, just the overly worried part. Honestly, because I understand that, I would say give her a quick call to let her know you are safe each day. She may drive you a little nuts, but she is a mama no matter how old her "baby" is.
Hang in there.
Sign her into a mental ward--get her medicated--tell her to go to counseling.
Her anxeity is not your problem unless you allow it. I would tell her we are going on vacation to spend time with my family see you in a month. I wouldn't call her no matter what. You shouldn't enable her.
Does she have email? Text messaging?
That way you could "check in" daily without actually having to talk to her.
Just my random thought.
Have a super lovely vacation !!!!!!
God Bless
I would only shoot her an email or text when I arrived at a new location so she knew we arrived "safe". That way you are "in touch" and will have limited contact verbally with her. Really her anxiety is her problem and not yours and you should not have to play into it. Good luck.
It isn't your responsibility to enable her anxiety, nor should you. Call to let her know you've arrived safely, and again when you return home. It isn't your fault, your husband's fault, or the children's fault that she is dealing with whatever it is. Please don't let it ruin your vacation.
Is she alone, though? That might be more of the issue. If he is all she has, then it might be more of an issue of loneliness.
You are not responsible for her anxiety or making her feel better. If she chooses not to get help for her problem, well thats her problem. You and your hubby should decide how often and or when you feel you should contact her. You do it on your terms-not the other way around. GL
M
Um...if you remove her feelings from the equation, how often would your husband normally call? I don't know any grown, married children who need to call their M. every day because she demands it. I don't think it's healthy that she is trying to remain so close and involved in everything, especially when it sounds like it's not at all helpful. It sounds very manipulative and controlling.
If it makes you feel better, I can relate with my MIL. She is a tough one to get along with because she's so narcissistic. The world revolves around her and her needs. My (now ex) SIL couldn't handle her for a few weeks. They ended up in yelling fights and hating each other. My MIL's SIL did the same thing. It ruined their relationship. Point being, this woman is a challenge!
My MIL/step-FIL demanded of me that I call them with all of our family updates and that my MIL is not going to be reading my blog. I have a large family on my side, so I use the blog to keep everyone updated. I simply don't have time to call everyone or email them separately. I hardly have time for one phone call these days! Our daughter has a life threatening disease, so it's the easiest way to keep everyone updated on her. ANYWAY, my MIL used to read my blog and then for whatever reason, she decided she should be called about everything...all tests results...dr visits...everything we put on the blog. (I really am telling you this for a reason!...hehe).
Another reason we use the blog is because all of this is quite emotional and difficult for us, and we can't repeatedly tell people test results. It's TOO hard and stressful for us to say the words repeatedly and then it's hard to deal with their reactions. Using a blog helps resolve the stress of that. Plus, MIL makes it all about her and how hard it is for HER when we call her to tell her things. She offers no comfort or anything to her son. It's all about how hard it is for her and then it feels like we're supposed to tell her it's okay and comfort her through it since it's clearly so much harder for her than for us! (roll my eyes...and I don't mean to downplay her stress. I know it's hard! But she's not the only person in the world. A mother should comfort her child, not turn it all about her.)
So, we have blatantly chosen to not call her with these things. If she didn't have computer access, that would be different (slightly) but she has an iphone and her own laptop. We've told her that we'll be updating her about things like we do with everyone else - email/blog. It turned into quite a heated "discussion" between her husband and I. He was adamant I call her about everything. I told him that it's how I do it with my M./sisters, so it doesn't make sense to me to make an exception with her. He kept telling me she was "special" and apparently so important that it should work how she wants. When it ended, he said that she was not going to be reading the blog. So, if we want her to know anything, we have to call her. So, we don't call her. Does that sound mean? I don't know if I've explained it well, but when people are manipulating me/hubby, we don't participate. My MIL is true to her word too! My daughter has been in bone marrow failure and on blood transfusions, and she refuses to read the blog to update herself. It's AMAZING to me how stubborn people can be in trying to get their way. (If she were a "normal" person, I would call her and tell her things. But she makes it SO much more stressful that I can't handle her stress in addition to it all).
I see the same thing with your situation. There is absolutely NO reason you need to call her at all except for when/if you want. If she wants to know if you're okay, she can email and ask. Then when it's convenient, you can verify you are alive. She needs to step back and let you guys be. And, who cares if you move away to live with your family. I understand it can be disappointing to her, but it's not her choice. You are adults. You should do what you feel is best without worrying about her. I know that's easier said than done! I have felt so much stress over my MIL. It's frustrating and not right when they butt themselves in so much and try to control things. DO NOT LET HER. It sounds like you are a reasonable, kind person and that you'd be more than willing to have a normal relationship. What she wants is too much.
I agree with just shooting her a text, but if that will not work just have hubby call every other day or so, but always when he just has a minute to talk ;)
I would say it is a courtesy to call when you arrive safely if you are flying (lot of people worry about that). How often do you normally talk to her? I would not call any more often than that, maybe less often. We go to see my in laws out of state for about 2 weeks and usually don't call friends or family unless there is a specific reason. I am reachable by cell or email if anyone needs to reach me. When I am home I talk to my M. probably 1-3 times a week (but I enjoy the conversations). My husband can go from one holiday to the next without talking to his parents so it does vary in different families.
Do not let, her mental illness... make you all, mentally ill.
Sometimes that happens... because of the burden and stress, that a mentally ill person, can create in other people.
It is then, a CONTROLLING thing, over you all.
I certainly hope, your Husband knows, his M. is NOT normal, and needs to see a Doctor.
The instigating of fights is ridiculous. But, to keep the peace perhaps just call once you reach your destination to let her know you've arrived safely and then once you return home. I can understand your frustration. Perhaps talk it over with your hubby and get his thoughts and then the two of you can decide what's best. Enjoy your trip, though! Don't let your MIL ruin the visit.
Don't call her at all, would be my suggestion. You shouldn't cater to her worries and anxiety. If you go on vacation and visiting family then GO ON VACATION. When I go away I don't check in with anyone. I'm a motherfrogging adult, for crying out loud. If I have a girls weekend away with girlfriends I call to check in on my kids and to tell my husband I love him, but vacation means vacation from everyone and everything especially if I have my family with me.
Call her right before you leave "to say goodbye" since I'm sure she knows exactly when you're leaving, and simply say, "We just called to let you know that we're leaving. We'll be back in a few days, so we'll talk to you then!" When you're gone, screen your calls on the cell phone. Let her calls go to voice-mail and only return calls that are literal emergencies, like she got hit by a bus and is in the hospital needing a blood transfusion because your husband is her only match.
Then call her when you get home to let her know you're back. Ignore frantic criticism. "Thanks for your concern, but we're fine. Talk to you later... we really have to unpack now!"
