MIL Question

Answer the door naked and say, "Sorry mom, now's not a good time." Do this a few times and trust me, she'll start calling.

Put a sign on the door, that says please do not ring doorbell, or walk in without calling ahead. Even leave phone # in case there is a delivery of some kind

OK i really understand about the MIL. Maybe you could put a note on the front door saying BABY SLEEPING- please do NOT ring bell. Please call my cell to be let in. If this doesn't work , maybe if you include her in on the issue so she feels important, make her think SHE's the one coming up with the solution. For example, tell her what's going on and that the baby is waking at every little noise and ask her advice on what to do, tell her the mailman or neighbor constantly stops by and you don't know how to let them know not to ring the bell. See what she says and then maybe she can help come up with the solution. MILS like to feel important:)

Good luck!

This may not work because if she won't call she may not pay attention but could you come up with a signal to her..like if she drives by and the front shade is down..baby is sleeping call or come by later...
My other advice is just to get mad and tell her"Look Mom, I'd love to see you but waking up baby is NOT working, call or don't come over because naps is when I get stuff done and with out them we are all a mess!" As much as we don't want to ruffle feathers, when people don't listen to the nice reminders sometimes embarrassing them or offending them slightly will work... My parents were coming to visit when I was having my 5th son and they decided to tell me that they were going to bring my niece(who has downs syndrome)...I told them no, I love my niece but they were supposed to come so I could go to the hospital in peace not add to the chaos by bringing someone who needs a lot of extra help...they got mad and they got over it...they came w/o her and took care of my kids like the original plan...I felt bad but the hints weren't working and sometimes you have to rock the boat a little so you don't build up resentment and sink the ship later...you can always use the oreo effect...good, bad, good...to soften the blow...Good luck and be honest and firm!

Since she doesn't listen to your requests...you could either:
1) Always have the dogs away when your baby naps and disconnect/disable your doorbell. Then pretend that you are not home or sleeping. OR...
2)Make her sit with the fussy baby that she awoke while YOU take a nap.
She probably INTENDS to wake the baby when she comes to visit so that she can play with her. After all, what fun is a sleeping baby?(hello??? did you think she was coming to visit YOU?)

Oh - so much to say!!! This all depends really on how much you want to upset your MIL. My first thought is - if she comes over unannounced - do not let her stay. Don't even let her in! Be sweet and say - "I'm so sorry, but I really need you to call me before coming over and now isn't a good time." No explanation really - she already has it and isn't accepting it! She will be off in a huff and in all likelihood complaining about how controlling you are (ironically)!! AND - your husband needs to back you up!! Has he TALKED to her and laid it out on the line or mumbled a few mom .......... blah blah blah that isn't telling it like it really is? (like my husband would!!!)

I read another response that says leave the baby with her and so happy that you stopped by - which is a great idea too I think - but, with your MIL - you will likely hear upon returning - 'oh - she was just a doll up until you we heard you coming back in! I just don't know why you say she's cranky after being awakened!'. How'd that be for making your blood boil!!!

Good luck! Enlist your hubby and stop her before she REALLy gets started! Have you ever watched Everbody loved Raymond??? :-)

Is your mother-in-law willing to stay and take care of the granddaughter she has awakened while you take the dogs for a walk and run errands to get out of the house? Perhaps if she does this a few times, she will begin to understand. You can disconnect your doorbell and remove or pad the door knockers -- use something decorative or just a thick piece of foam. Good luck -- sounds like you have a MIL with control issues -- at least your husband is taking your side.

I have the ONLY solution...MOVE...far, far away. In fact, I think you should move about two hours away to a little town called Springwater, NY.

I had neighbors who did that.. and woke the baby up... I put a note on the door.. that said baby sleeping.. please come back in 1 hour! Please don't knock or ring doorbell... Simply said... it worked. I put one note on the door and the other over the bell when he was asleep.. and noone ever rang or knocked... I had a happy baby.. and people came back later on. Just try it!! make it the note cute... like baby says please don't wake me.. i;m sleeping.. come back soon so we can play!!! something like that. Or just tell MIL - that you want her to be over whenever.. but she has to call.. the baby is getting off schedule and it is really hurting you, the baby... and her or his sleep paterns.. good luck

M.
I had the same problem with the doorbell and the dogs....fortunately, not my MIL. UPS, friends, PSE&G...you name it. Once my daughter woke up, that was it. So, I disconnected the doorbell. I only opened the door for people I was expecting.
Good luck.
Barb

is there a way to watch out the window to catch her before she rings the doorbell and then open the door and quietly tell her to come back when the baby's nap is over? or put a LARGE sign on the door that says "QUIET- baby sleeping!! Please call (your cell number) and I'll open the door" and keep the door locked.
I'd say that this is totally unacceptable MIL behavior! You guys really have to put your collective and cooperative feet down on this one!

I would keep your doors locked so she can't just walk in. Then when she comes, I would open the door and say, "I'm sorry but now isn't a good time. Please give me a call another day so we can PLAN a get together." Then close the door. Period. You MUST stay strong. A few days of this and she will get the hint. Trust me. My step SIL did it to my stepmom and she stopped.

My mom is similar in that she has boundary issues. We live far apart now but are in a situation where we are going to have to end up pretty much on the same property together. I already know that the beginning is going to suck trying to put boundaries in place but for my sanity and the sake of my marriage and children, it will have to be done.

Thankfully your husband is on your side about this. You are not being rude in my suggested response. She is being rude for ignoring your request and just showing up. It isn't going to change if you just keep trying to talk to her. She's proven that. You must try something different now. If she gets her feathers in a ruffle, too bad. You are a mom now and your baby comes first...not a woman who is old enough to know better.

I hope you let us know how it goes.

L.

http://APerfectMoment.MyArbonne.com

Like others have already said, I put up a sign that said Baby and Mommy napping, DO NOT disturb! very large and bright over the doorbell. I also agree with the disconnection of the doorbell and having your door locked your MIL cannot just walk in and get the dogs barking. IF she has a key, and wakesup the baby, why not say "oh thank goodness you are here, I just need to get out", take your purse and leave her with the consequences of her actions, they inconsoleable baby. Maybe once she has to deal with what she is creating, she'll understand. Good Luck!!

My daughters are 4 & 10 and as much as I hate to say it, it only gets worse unless you & your husband maybe sit down and try to discuss things with her.

Fortunately my mother-in-law doesn't live across the street from us like she once did (boy was that fun) but you need to really stick together on this. Maybe she just can't help herself from seeing her precious little grand-daughter but tell her that you want the visit to be enjoyable for when she does come over and your daughter getting in her naps is one really important way of doing so. Good luck to you on this ond! I've been trying to figure out how to deal with it too! It went from a similar situation you mentioned to my mil always buying my oldest daughter things she didn't need - what kid needs a 27" flatscreen tv? or a computer when they were 4! Well, good luck!

Continue inviting your MIL...if she declines, that's up to her... But you do need to get her to stop coming over unnanounced as this simply wont do....
Since she wont respect the wishes of you and your husband, it's time to take action...In the process the baby might lose a few more naps but at the end, your MIL will learn to respect your rules....not only on this but for the future as well.

On the days you do not want your MIL to come over, call her the night before and tell her not to come the next day. If and only if she asks why, simply tell her you want alone time with the baby or simply that you have other plans. Don't go into any details with her. Just repeat your request. If she makes a fuss, ignore it and say I'll see you another time, good night and hang up.

Next day, shut the ringer off on the phone, put a note up over the door bell saying...."Do not ring the Bell"...and tape the door knocker down to the door and put the dogs into the kitchen, Make sure it's all done before putting the baby down for a nap.

For the days you want your MIL to come over...Call her the night before, ask her if she is planning on coming over tomorrow....If she says anything but NO to that question...Tell her the exact time you want her to arrive..(((and that should be after the babies nap time.))) If she asks why, tell her that hour is best for "YOU"....until then you'll be busy. If she makes a fuss, simply tell her "will then, see you another time...bye bye" and hang up.))))

When ever your MIL shows up uninvited, or during the babies nap time, tell her she can't stay and insist that she leaves. If the baby gets up from her nap in this process, gather her up, leave the house and lock the door behind you so your MIL can't hang out.....bye bye MOM... see ya another time.

Until you make the changes and stick with making them, your MIL will not change her behaviors. If she at some time, confronts the situation after you have taken action and wants to talk about it,....listen to what she says but don't make comments during....when she's finished talking, simply tell her...I do understand what you are saying but "this is My home, My baby...My husband... here I make the rules....you get to respect them, or not, but you don't get to run the show here...not anymore."

IMO, your husband needs to tell his mother 2 things... #1 - follow your house rules of a courtesy call first...
#2 - if she can't be respectful enough to call, then please don't bother coming over until the baby is old enough and napping less.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but that's my 2 cents worth.

I've been down this path with a parent who refuses to listen to our repeated requests...it's been years of a struggle - do yourself a favor and lay it all out ASAP.

Best wishes to you,
J.

Well....for as much as you would like it to be your husbands responsibility and for as much as everyone feels it is his responsibility, it NEVER works out that way. You will have to be the one to lay the law down so to speak. Try it the nice way first of course, we all want to do the politically correct thing when it comes to the mother in law's, so....
"hey listen mom, I need you to do me a favor, can you please not come by between the hours of 10 and 11, I plan on putting the baby down and I really need her to sleep. She can't sleep with noise or when the doorbell rings, so if you plan on stopping by, I'd appreciate it if you did it after her nap.
There was also another great suggestion on your responses that suggested you call your MIL every morning before you put the baby down and let her know that this is the plan and again specifying that she is not to come over during this time frame. Perhaps a daily phonecall will not only be helpful to you, but will also somehow prove to be annoying to her and she'll get a dose of her own medicine kind of. If this does not ork, then get a little tough and give her a time of day when she can come over and tell her that if she insists on coming over whenever she feels like it, you will not open the door. Perhaps you have to explain it clearly and not so nicely anymore. Give her the facts as to why you are requesting this and finish it off by saying you have tried in different ways to ask nicely and she has given you no other choice. Good luck.

I would set up a time that she can come over and visit every day, when the baby is up. If she comes over any other time don't let her in. Even if the dogs bark and she wakes the baby up. I know this sounds mean but if she isn't giving you any other option since she hasn't been listening to you. Eventually she will get the point and either come over at her designated time or call before she comes over. Good luck with your situation.

I would call her everyday before you put your daughter down for a nap,

SAy MOM what are your plans for today,
are you planning on stopping by,
if so you can do it at 10 am,

I would also NOT open the door if she does this,
keep the door locked and pretend you went for a walk around the block.

the baby will wake up upset, and crying, but this would have happened anyways, atleast you don't have the Monster responsible in your face about it.

----

If your not ok with either of these ideas,

I would infront of your husband and family,
tell her she cannot come over un announced,
say it in no uncertain terms,
and if she stops by turn her away, saying I asked to to call before coming and now the baby is far to upset,

if she gets pissed, say well now you know how I feel.

Sometimes there is no way to be nice about this.

M

Hi M.

You know you shouldn't be made to feel the way you do about your MIL. She needs to respect your request. If she doesn't, and you've tried nicely to ask her, when she comes to your house unannounced, don't let her in. She will probably already have awakened your daughter but maybe if you don't answer the door when she does this she will get the hint. If she questions you, tell her you were busy with the baby because she woke her up and you couldn't leave her. It sounds easier then it is but you need to draw boundries or you will never be able to call your home your own. She only lives 5 mins away so it's no biggy for her to go home and come back after she calls and lets you know she's coming. You could also put a note on your door stating that your baby is sleeping please don't ring the bell or come back later. I did that when my daughter was an infant. She was a light sleeper and didn't go back for a nap either. She never really napped long so any little time she did it was really needed. I think your MIL is being very unfair to you. She is trying to make you feel powerless in your own home and with your daughter. I think if you don't put your foot down now she will continue to do things like this to you the rest of her life. She is very inconsiderate of you and your daughter. Doesn't she understand that other people can be considerate of your feelings and act on it. I always hated when someone would just "stop in" without calling. I think it's very rude. People never know what you are doing or if you are going out. She needs to call you and see if it's convenient for her to come and visit you any time..every time. Do you just drop by her home? Maybe she doesn't like that and is trying to prove a point. Kids sometimes think it's okay to just drop by their parents home and usually it is but they, too, can make a call before they stop by as well. I hope you find a some good suggestions and I hope your baby can get her sleep. Good luck D.

My FIL did the same thing. Disconnect the doorbell and don't answer when she arrives unannounced. Eventually, she'll get the picture. Hopefully. It is your time and your house. You have every right to deny access to anyone you want to. good luck.

I wish I had some good advice for you. It sounds to me like your Mother-in-law has control issues. She may not be doing it consciously, but subconsciously I think she feels in control if she ignores the boundaries that you and your husband have set.
I'm not quite sure what you can try without causing tension. Have you asked her very directly why she keeps ignoring your requests? Or maybe try giving her the crying baby when she walks in the door and ask her to get her back to sleep now that she has woken her? Or maybe you could tell her that you will not answer the door if she comes over unannounced?? It will still wake the baby, but maybe it will get her to stop more quickly.
...Then there is always a restraining order.
I wish you the best of luck with such a tough situation!
I hope you find something that works.
-B.

only next step is to tell her that you've asked repeatedly NICELY to call, and even had her son/your husband ask her nicely and also invited her so that you can solve your problem...tell her if she can't do one SIMPLE thing as call, then she CAN'T come over, and make sure you stick to your guns! lock the doors, and when she rings the bells, refuse to let her in telling her she didn't call, she can't come in! maybe after a few times she will get the point. sometimes you just have to pick your battles, and for the sake of your child's sleep...i think this is a battle that you have to be blunt and strong with!
ps...just to let you know, i've had many issues with my mil and last one was lollipops, i've constantly told her no sweats without asking and the other day she gave her a lollipop and when i saw she instantly handed it over to me (my daughter) and when i went to brush her hair for bed she had CHUNKS of lollipop in her hair and the whole back was sticky....so i told her today NO MORE LOLLIPOPS OR STICKY STUFF! and nothing sweat without asking!!! then i continued to tell her, IF she ever did this again (and told her why) that i would buy a bag of lollipops and suck on each of them and put them all over her maltese dog and HER hair until she had to chop out chunks of hair or hurt herself and the dog until all the nasty sticky stuff was done (so far 1 day it worked...we'll see if it works from now on lol) yeah, i can be really nasty when it comes to my child....she was screaming no matter how gentile i was with the brushing so i had to be nasty (the only way she, my mil, understands anything!).

Oh lord, do I feel for you! My in-laws live four hours away, so I've never had to deal with your particular problem, but here's what I did (and still do) during nap time if I really don't want to be disturbed:

Unplug phones or turn off the ringers.
Put a sign right OVER the doorbell reading "Napping baby. Please do not disturb."

Finally, if I were you, I would LOCK my door! How rude for her to just waltz into your house as if it were her own! What if you were in the shower, or just walking out of it? Maybe you should start napping at the same time as your daughter as a good excuse for locking your house up and keeping the MIL away at that time.

Good luck, and remember...you have every right to decide who comes to your home and when. Don't get pushed around, especially now with your little baby to take care of and love.
(I was an elementary teacher also; resigned after realizing that I simply could not go back after my little boy was born.)

Seriously, I know people like your MIL who do things like that. If it were me, I would have a conversation with a "friend" on the phone in front of the MIL. and say that you are really tired of the baby being woken up during nap time by the bell, knocker and dogs. So, you are going to lock the door when the baby goes down and put a sign over the bell and knocker asking people to please call. That way you can put the dogs away before you let them in. Then if your MIL drops by she will have to blatantly disregard your requests for quiet and it will be really difficult for her to get away with her passive aggressive behavior. Of course, she'll find another way, but atleast the baby will get uninterrupted naps. Good luck!

Some people are just set on doing whatever they want, whenever they want. The best solution I can think of is to automatically put the dogs in the kitchen when you put your daughter down for the a nap. That way no matter who comes to the door you are prepared. It could very well end up being someone trying to sell something. You may also consider putting a towel or something to muffle the sound, over your doorbell at nap time.

I don't know what kind of "white noise" you have tried, but I run a cool mist humidier whenever my little guys go to sleep. My 2 1/2 yr old even turns it on as soon as we get up stairs. I run it empty unless one of them is sick, but it's enough noise to block out most sounds, even my dogs. When I want them to wake up from a nap that has lasted too long all I have to do it turn it off and they both instantly awake.

Good luck with the mother in law. I'm sure that's not the only boundary issue you will have with her.

I also had a "silly" issue with my MIL, and had to go to her house,and sit down and tell her that I felt disrespected. ( I don't even know if that's a real word) I was so upset I was actually tearful, and she was shocked that I felt that way.

I love her, and told her so, but told her that I was so frustrated by the situation, that I was at my wit's end.

If that tact doesn't work, then next time... when you hear her she walking in, strip to your undies.. tell her you wish she'd call ahead to avoid that situation again LOL (Or enlist your husband into some heavy necking on the living room sofa.) She may feel your worry about a cranky baby is trivial and something you "should" be able to handle.. so make it about privacy instead.

I feel that it's rude to visit anyone unannounced, and more so after you've asked her not to. Why can't she call first to see if it's a good time? Clearly, it is a control issue for her. She is doing it because she can. While you may have told her nicely not to do this anymore, she is continuing to do so and blatantly ignoring you. Adults do not treat one another this way. You may need to tell her again, but not so nicely, and then if she stops by, you may need to tell her that it's not a good time for a visit, and you'll phone her later to set up a day and time that week for a visit. She should not just walk into your house, it's your home and this isn't Everybody Loves Raymond. Set your boundaries now.

Disconnect your doorbell or move!!

I agree with everyone that says lock the door and put up a baby sleeping sign. If she has a key use a chain or an extra new lock. If you need to disconnect the bell and put the dogs out of the way do it--at least for a few days or a week until she gets the idea. This should get the message across. If she complains about it explain you need to keep a sleep schedule for the baby (I am sure you can find a baby book to back you up!) You can even make her a flyer with baby's naptimes and "Visiting Hours."

If you have tried being nice and talking to her already then it is okay to be direct and firm to set your boundries. You might as well do it sooner than later because actions speak louder than words.

I do feel for you because my MIL has a forceful personality (to be tactful) but she lives in another state so it is not a daily issue. She is really very nice to me when I see her (once a year)--but I made sure to stand up to her early on (before we were married).

Hi M., This is really tough. I find it hard to believe that even after you and her son telling her that she still does what she pleases. This may sound funny but why not disconnect the doorbell and she will be forced to call if she wants to come over. I think I will say a prayer for you. I'd like to read the other suggestions. Grandma Mary

oK...the time has come to be LESS nice and it is your husbands responsiblity! This is totally unacceptable. She has NO respect for you as the parent!!!! Nezxt time when she decides to pop IN tell her it is NOT a good time and send her packing! And say something like "oh this is not a good time...IF you would have called before you wouldn't have wasted a trip".
This is going to put a strain on your marriage if it isn't corrected. TRUST ME!

I feel your pain! We told both of our parents when we moved in together to call and my husband's parents FREAKED out and said "How can you do this to us???"

It's unfortunate situation. I would definitely sit her down, look her in the face and tell her she has to call before her visit and you do not like unannounced visits. I would also keep the door locked so she cannot get into the house. What about your FIL? Is he around to maybe talk to his wife. Maybe you and your husband can sit her down together and tell her what she is doings is not working. Either way it sounds like she'll be upset regardless. Good Luck. Maybe send her your question and the responses you've gotten. Sometime reading about yourself on paper is an eye opener!

If I were you I would disconnect the doorbell, turn the phone ringer down as far as it would go, and lock the doors, if that doesn't work then I would blast my MIL out. That may be the only way to get through her thick skull. Stand tough.
My door is always open, but everyone knew my kids nap schedule, and like you one of my kids was a very light sleeper. What I would do was disconnect the doorbell and tell everyone what I was doing, this way they could call first so that I could put the dogs out and they could come right in. This worked out great for me. The baby slept, I could enjoy my coffee and company without having to hold the baby or get up every 2 seconds.
FYI my in-laws used to do the same thing, only at their house we were not allowed to just show up, talk about a double standard. LOL
I hope I was of some help.
Hugs,
T.

It sounds like she does it on purpose because she knows that by doing that the baby will be up for her visit. The only thing I can think of is to refuse to reward her behavior by refusing to answer the door when she comes over unannounced. If she hasn't called first, just pretend you're not there. It seems like the only thing you can do, even if the baby is up already. Too bad.

Tell MIL that if she comes when the baby is napping you are sorry but you will NOT answer the door. Lock your doors, see if you can disable the doorbell, put a big "do not disturb sign on the door and DO NOT ANSWER it if she bangs, knocks, etc etc. Of course, the baby will be wide awake and the dogs will be barking by then, but you need to set your limits until she believes you. Stick to your guns. It is your home and your baby. You need to retrain MIL, not baby. If MIL has to go home without having seen you or the baby, without having done her passive aggressive thing to you, and without having won her war, you have a chance of winning. Any time she DOES call first, let her come. She will learn, and even though, the first few times, your grumpy baby will be awake by the time she finally leaves without having been let in, you will begin to feel powerful! Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT back down. Too bad if she is mad. You are mad now. What is worse?

i feel for you :( Doesnt she realize how important naps are for babies!!!! She sounds rude and incredibly selfish and i say change the lock. i'm half joking!!! if she can't get it through her head tell your husband that you're ready to take it to the next step. it's not her house and she can't come and go as she pleases!!! Esp since you're the one who has to then deal with a crabby tired baby for the rest of the day.... sorry, i'm very annoyed for you
good luck.

Hi, M..

When my son is sleeping and I am expecting people over (my mom rings the bell then walks in even if I leave the front door wide open!) I put a post it on the doorbell that says "Adam is sleeping." I don't have dogs, so people walking in isn't an issue. Maybe keep them in the kitchen while the baby is napping?

Good luck!