MIL Issue - East Meadow,NY

Thank you for posting this, as it just reiterates my earlier statement that sometimes the MIL's are the issue, not the DIL's. Some women are just difficult or impossible to deal with.

You cannot change someone else. I suggest you have to accept her as she is. She's not interested in being involved with your family. So, let go of the need/wish that she be involved. Don't try to communicate with her. If your husband wants to, that's up to him. Since she responds in a negative way to your efforts, stop making the effort.

Painful to do, I know. However, you cannot change her. Why waste your energy and emotions trying?

My mother in law doesn't come to any events or babysit at all. Why would you expect your mother in law to be your babysitter? Or to come to every event? She raised her kids - these are yours. Let he have her life. Invite her and she will come if she wants. My MIL is not involved at all and I take it as a blessing.

She has really given you enough cues to let you know that she does NOT want to babysit. Let that one go and just use your other babysitter if you have a need. Not all grandmas are maternal.

If your daughter wants her at events, please invite her. If she does not come, then that is on her. Eventually your daughter will see her for how she is...No need for you to badmouth her.

From now on send a written invitation (not a TEXT), a snail mail card, and ask for an RSVP. If your husband's mother does not respond it's on her. OR, if your child is truly asking for grandma to be there, let the child talk or write an invite to grandma.

I agree with the other poster, don't ask her to babysit, since the relationship is strained. If she wants to spend time with her grandchildren, let her ask.

I think for your own sanity it is time to let the witchy MIL go, let your husband deal with her. I know your daughter asks for her, but when she does let your husband call his mom, there is no reason for you to have to be treated so crappy, you DO NOT deserve it. It doesnt even sound like she cares to have a relationship with her granddaughter, which is sad, but her loss. Good luck!

not all grparents are built-in babysitters. Do not presume that she wants "grparent time" as much as you & your DH wants it.

Don't contact her. Let all communication go thru your husband. Stop allowing her the opportunities to destroy what you have.

Peace.

You know, some grandparents babysit...some don't.
My mom loves to watch my son and always has --he's 9 now.
My inlaws--not so much.
IF it's an "emergency" (ex. BFF's brother's funeral and my husband is out of town) they will babysit, but generally speaking, it's not something they seek out.)
Personally, I wouldn't ask her to babysit anymore.

As far as including her in things--all you can do is extend the invitation and details. If she can't/won't/doesn't make it, then it's not your problem, right?

Her loss.

Maybe I am missing something (I didn't read back). If so, I apologize.

There is a difference between inviting someone to an event and asking her to take off work for an event. One is nice, the other presumptive, even if unintentionally so.

For what it's worth - my MIL cannot babysit. She is not allowed to be alone with our children. She is an alcoholic, she's under the influence all day, everyone must do as she says/wants no matter what or she becomes furious (and has a history of phyiscal aggression), and she crosses boundaries in a way...that approaches criminal behavior. BUT - in her mind, we have a strained relationship because I am a horrible, horrible person.

So...if she's as bad as that, there's nothing you can do about it. Grieve and do your best, knowing the rest is her choice. If the real issue is communication styles, you can probably take actions to improve the relationship.

And she may not enjoy babysitting. That should be OK.

Again, my apologies if there is more here that I missed. I do believe most of us want loving relationships with our MILs.

Best to you,
e

Ok, You and the other poster who replied are NOT alone. I and my 4 kids, have NO contact with our inlaws. Period. They have not been involved in the kids lives at all, since any of them were born. They have no interest. We thought after our first child was born that maybe it was because of the distance since we lived far away, so we moved all the way across country to live in the same town, on the same street as them, and they were even at the hospital when our second child was born, so we thought maybe there would be a better bond, but nope. Nothing. They STILL had nothing to do with the kids. My father in law worked at the kids school, and when they saw him in school, he acted like he didn't know them, but oher kids who he didn't really know he was super friendly to. They are NOT this way with all of their grandkids. We moved all the way to where they lived to makeit easier for them to actually BE involved in our families lives, but then they still chose not to, and MY parents who always WERE involved couldn't be as involved anymore because they were living back where we moved FROM. UGH! We finally moved back to the state that we originally came from. My inlaws didn't change when we got custody of our youngest 2 kids, who actually had lived with THEM for a few months prior to coming to live with us, and they had been calling us asking us to please take custody of them for weeks. I have NO IDEA why people are like this. I have NO IDEA why some family members can choose to simply ignore the fact that someone exists and not have anything to do with them, when they have never done ANYTHING. I gave up trying YEARS ago. Ifg I were you, I would stop sending the invited by text, and just mail one. If it is ignored, well at least you tried. I don't know what to tell you about how to handle your daughters hurt feelings, because I never really figured out how to deal with that here with my own kids. My 21 yr old daughter still feels hurt to thhis day when one of her cousins posts something on facebook that her grandparents did with them, and they don't even barely notice that she's alive. Someday, these people will all want to be part of our children's lives, and it will be too late. You can't walk back in later when you didn't set the foundation when they were very young. Sad. Sorry!

Your mil already raised her children and now it's up to her to choose whatever relationship she wants to have with her grown children and grand children. Most probably she'll never be the type of grandparent you want her to be. I'd say that you need to let your hubby deal with his mother and stay out of it all. Put your daughter on the phone to ask gram to attend events and then leave it to your hubby to follow up. Is this the ideal situation? Nope but the more you put yourself out there the more you'll feel hurt by her behavior. You just have to accept her shortcomings.

I'm getting in here kind of late and don't really know what happened, but I will add to this by letting you know my own mother never ever babysat for my children a day in her life. There are six of us children that are still alive, the youngest in the forties and several of us have children. She never babysat for them either. I guess she figured she is done. Yes it hurts, but throughout the years I have found 'substitutes' for what I wish was a parent or grandparent. We can't choose our families. I still go to family events, see my mother on holidays, call her, and talk to her but realize for whatever reason she doesn't want to be a part of my life, that is how she is. She is about to be eighty. I try to remain neutral because whatever relationship I have with her she is still mine. My mother in law and my husband do not live near eachother (my own mom has always been within a very reasonable driving distance), but my husband and his mother talk frequently and I am sure had I lived near her she would have helped with the children. Diane D. is right, it's up to her to choose whatever relationship she wants to have she will and she won't be the grandparent you want. And for that I urge you to find others who will stand in and love your kids, there are a lot of lonely grandparents out there, found in churches or neighborhoods who would give a right arm to be invited to a graduation.l am presently not a grandparent myself, but my son is thinking of moving and if he does I am stuck here for awhile. I will make it a priority if they have children to be there, but I also look for families who might need me, if only for a little bit to ease the pain of not having loving grandparents. Good luck and happy Mother's Day!!

Stop trying to include this woman in your plans. Stop asking her to babysit. Stop texting her. She obviously doesn't want to win "Grandma of the Year" so stop nominating her. What you have is a Drama Queen/Martyr for a MIL. She's not going to change. Your efforts to have her be an important part of your daughter's life are to be commended. But your MIL is sending you clear signals that she's just not that interested. She *truly* thinks she's doing you a great favor by simply existing. Maybe a period of distance will make her realize that the grandparent/grandchild relationship goes both ways - she HAS to start making an effort too. But my hunch is she won't - she's just not interested.

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I don't know why you MIL is this way. But I can tell ya one thing as a Grandmother, ya get tired and sometimes just doing the normal things is about all ya can do. If she works a lot or lives far away or has to deal with a lot of traffic or doesn't feel energetic or doesn't feel well this could all be playing a part or some or one of these things or something else. Personally, I try to be a part of everything I can with my grandchildren, I care for two 4 to 5 days a week 10-12 hrs a day but by the time they leave I'm exhausted usually and have to lay down. I don't get to see the other two which are about 2 hrs away in heavy traffic, I don't have the energy for it although I go every few months. I have missed two functions because I just couldn't do it. And as the child gets older I plan to not miss out on any thing. But anyway, I'm just letting you know it can get difficult to keep up with physically and mentally and still maintain a sense of yourself and your own activities and interests.
Sounds like she's not remembering things all too well either.
But just do the best you can with this and don't ask her to too many things, maybe save it for bigger things, holidays, visiting, picnics or family outing like the zoo. I don't know, just suggestions. It really depends on where she's really at with all this. Maybe you should ask.

It's really the relationship with the child/ren that counts most. So it really depends on how she sees it. She may not think the pre K grad is important. After all the child isn't going to remember it and it's not like you're actually spending time with the child, you're sitting and watching for your child to go up for the formality. It may not seem worth the effort and energy to her. If it were me, and I couldn't muster up the energy I'd save it for a time I can just Be with the child and spend quality time with her. I'm just sayin'

Also, after re-reading your post -- sounds like she really doesn't want to be bothered - guess you'll have to live with it, if this is the case, sad. I think I'd just ask her face to face in a delicate but firm way so you really know what is what.