MIL In Miserable Relationship

Like you said there's not much you can do. I've found its more productive to ask people though provoking questions then to try to give them ideas or suggestions.

Try that? And if that doesn't work accept that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink

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Like you said there's not much you can do. I've found its more productive to ask people though provoking questions then to try to give them ideas or suggestions.

Try that? And if that doesn't work accept that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink

I think some people are married to their misery. That can come from depression/anxiety/fear, and it can come from self-loathing. Sometimes the bad habits we are in are strangely comforting. Depression can make people really feel like they're in quicksand - they may try to move, but they just can't make progress.

Some would say she's getting a payoff of some sort from her unhappiness, whether it's because she likes being a martyr (I'm not sure most people feel this way, but some do) or because the complaining is such a part of her make-up at this point, it's just all she does and all she knows. You say she can't really move out and break up - that can be financial or emotional, or both. I would say absolutely NOT to consider having her live with you. Depending on her age, she may qualify for low income housing but the waiting lists are long, and you would have to convince her to investigate and sign up with no guarantee of an opportunity for (sometimes) years. I do think you can contact her doctor or therapist and make sure they are aware of her behaviors - they can't talk to you without her permission, but they can listen to you. (Might be better if it came from her son though.) If she's amenable, a separate meeting with you and your husband with the therapist might be good, or a combined one with her in attendance. But she'd have to feel it was going to be helpful to her in some way to bring you into that circle.

If she's not getting anywhere with meds or therapy, she could try another person. But my husband's cousin is a good example of someone who just can't beat the disease - he has a severe personality disorder, depression, OCD, and really is locked into this mental hell for the rest of his life. Sometimes we just can't fix things for people and we have to quietly, painfully, helplessly let go. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your kids too. Just keep the visits brief so that her negativity doesn't overwhelm the kids especially. But it does sound like those are some happy moments in her life so try to continue them if she doesn't say negative stuff to them.

that's very hard, but hard as it is to sit by and watch, it's not yours to fix. it sounds as if this is a lifelong pattern, and breaking it now would require a tremendous work of will on her part. IF that were to happen you could encourage and support, but you can't make her want it.
and she'd have to want it badly.
my MIL is wedded to her anxiety too. she has a good husband and a great family which is awesome, but she picks through her issues to seize upon like a crow picking through shiny things. there's no alleviating it. if you soothe her through one fear she immediately finds 3 more. there is just no living for her without the adrenaline of worry. she's too old to break it now. we just love her and try to smooth her path through the worst bouts of it.
khairete
S.

D. B is correct. Some people turn misery into a lifestyle. Unless they want to change things there's nothing anyone can do. If years of meds and therapy aren't working its because she's not willing to make the changes to improve things.

Great advice and really helpful to me also. My MIL's misery is her lifestyle also (great way to describe it Diane). I think it's part of her identity. I don't know what your mom's childhood was like, but my MIL had a hard one and it's part of who she is, and she never overcame it. She will forever be a victim of that in her mind, and so with that mentality, she feels she can't overcome anything. I don't know if my MIL has had therapy - I know she's been on meds for anxiety, etc. They haven't helped. I think for some people as the moms below mentioned, it's a choice. For my MIL - it's like her security blanket. I think she wouldn't know who she is if she had to be accountable. In her case, she's surrounded by people who encourage it - it's very dysfunctional. My husband is at same place you are. Saddened by it, but also realizes there is nothing he can do. You are not responsible for other people (another great bit of advice I picked up on this site). When I told him that, it was like a weight lifted off his shoulders. We all know we can't make other people happy and vice versa, but you can support your mom, but you can't change her. And it's not your job. My MIL puts that burden on her sons which is the one thing I find nasty about her - but it's a lifelong habit. She has been since they were kids. Sad. If your mother is negative or down around you and you feel it affecting your spirit, especially through the holidays, we've found limiting contact is the only way we can handle it. We have to keep our energy intact for our kids. If we could help, we would - we can't.

Sounds like you've done all you can, except to pray for her and provide support as you can. Perhaps she needs employment or better employment so she doesn't have to stay with BF; it might also give her something else to think about. Maybe your man is the one you could give your attention to; I'm guessing it's probably stressful to see his mom go through that.

If she wants anything to change she's got to want to make a change.
She needs a new therapist if the one she's seeing isn't helping her anymore.

Her self esteem has been broken down to nothing. Do everything you can to help her build her self esteem. Tell her how much you appreciate her and the nice things she does for you and the kids. The more you tell her how wonderful she is the more you will raise her self esteem.
Once she starts to feel better about herself she may see her relationship and a bad one and decide to leave.

Sometimes people who are depressed or unhappy, are just plain unable to help themselves. Your suggestions are good, but suggestions are not going to help. You need to take action. If you know your kids bring her joy, then arrange for her to spend more time with them. Since BF makes her miserable, try to get her to spend time away from him. Invite her over, when you know he's not available. Ask her to come over and help you with a specific chore that she may be good at, like wrapping gifts. Take her to church for a few weeks, after that she may feel comfortable and able to go herself.

It's your moms life to live, not yours. You have tried to "help" but really, unless she wants changes in her own life and is ready to make them, there isn't anything you can do. Good luck.

See if you can get her to see a therapist, talking about the things that kept dragging my down into depression finally helped me heal, and do what I needed to do to move on.