MIL Creating Issues - Again

I would make sure your daughter knows that Grandma reads her journal, so she should not write about anything she would like to keep private. I wouldn't bring up the journal at all with MIL. If your daughter asks YOU why she can't take it home, tell her that is a good question, she should ask her Grandma.

Yes, your hubby should be the one to talk to his mother about over-indulging the kids. A little something special from Grandma is fine every once in awhile, but it does sound WAY over the top, like she is trying to compete or buy the kids affection and loyalty. DH can tell her that what her grandkids will cherish most is her presence, not her presents, and ask that she please show a little restraint and ask you first before gifting them.

First of all, don't worry about her trying to out do you. Just love your girls and let her love them too. Since your daughter likes writing in a journal and grandma won't let her bring it home. Why don't you buy her one that she can take to grandma's house and bring back home? Tell your MIL in front of your daughter, your daughter likes to write all the time, and she shouldn't have to leave her journal at grandma's house and have a separate one at home. It's her journal to write in whenever. Now if MIL gets bad and not let her write in her journal, then your daughter will see how grandma is.

I'm not saying you are doing this, because I don't think you are, just make sure your daughters don't see you putting your MIL down. They will stick up for you, you are mommy and they know how much you love them.

I'm not saying your MIL doesn't have issue, sounds like she does. But don't let it bother you so much. It's great that she spends time with your grandkids, it's great that she takes them places. Don't make it into a competition even if she is. If she buys more presents then let her. If she takes them to a movie let her. If she's not going to make good choices with her money because she's trying to buy her grandkid's love, then one day she'll realize what a mistake she made.

Make sure your girls know how much you love them. That doesn't mean buying them things or spending money on them. That is not what love is. Spending quality time, listening, making rules... Try to let go of the anger you have for her, you are carrying around a lot of bitterness that is hurting you. Instead of being mad at her, pray for her, count your blessings. You are a great mother!

I guess I am somewhat confused - you say her own children hate her, but then go on to say that if you stand up to her, the rest of the family will be angry with you. Doesn't everyone see her for who she is? (according to you, liar, narcissist, etc). Just curious - seemed odd.

Just regarding the two things you point out here, journaling and gifts, I would just let go. Mainly since you have approached her regarding other seemingly more important topics and it doesn't help.

That being said, if she actually does something "hurtful" or extreme in the future, then I would have hubby talk with her. For example, my MIL let herself into the delivery room while I gave birth to my son - she didn't ask either of us, just came in. I didn't say a word because even though it really bothered me, it wasn't "harmful" or detrimental, just bothersome. However, when this same MIL smoked around me when I was pregnant and then proceeded to smoke around our newborn, that is when I had to do something. That is serious and harmful. Hubby refused to say anything or stick up for me, which is one of the reasons we are now divorced.

I would talk with your hubby and see what he says. Really, does her "digging" up her dirt through your daugther's journal really matter? Meaning, won't she just lie about you anyway regardless of what she finds or doesn't find? Talk with hubby - decide together. .

- Good luck!

my mother has also be diagonosed with BPD so..here's how I handle her...

I have establish good boundaries with her. If she says or does something offensive I simply state, that was offensive. I explain to her how she should have handled it without being offensive. If she keeps doing it, when it happens again I tell her I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with this one. I'm going to leave/hang up/stop whatever we're doing and create physical space. This has worked VERY well, because spending time with my and my son is rewarding for her. She tries to make sure she doesn't do something that will end what she finds rewarding. Sparing my feelings or my son's feelings does not matter to her...she doesn't have the ability to feel empathy.

the difference here is most of the time my mom is not intending to be offensive she doesn't have the capacity to understand that she is being offensive...so what you can do that is different is get some professional help (therapist, life coach, etc) to help you and your family establish boundaries with a personality like this. Some key things to remember...

You will NEVER change her.
SHE will NEVER change.
You teach others how to treat you.
She doesn't care about you, your daughters, or your husband. She only cares about how it all reflects back on her.
People with BPD don't feel for others...they feel for themselves. They are the definition of selfish, self centered.
Everything is about how it makes HER feel.

There are A LOT of changes that need to be made here to establish healthy boundaries. I'm sure with your husbands cooperation you could even get her to attend a few cousleing sessions with you.

Don't have the desire for conseling?? Me neither..so if that's the case get some recommendation on some books. Read them and apply them. The good news is DIL's and MIL's have had centuries of NOT getting along so there should be some hard core studies out there on how to improve your relationship with her so that it can be healthy for your husband and daughters.

Remember everything is about her...find a way to make her want to behave differently around you, your daughters, and husband and she makes the adjustments that she's capable of. She will not change the way she feels..only her bahavior around you. This also (of course I'm sure you know this) means major changes in the way you treat her

I wish you a lot of luck dealing with this!!

Many of us have our issues with our in laws and for the most part, we just put up with it.

I would say, all of your issues with the exception of the journal should just be ignored. I understand you don't like it and I wouldn't either, but she is their Grandmother. I would say address the journal issue.

My husband just keeps repeating, "We all just have to get along". I report all Uh-ho conversations to him immediately, because I am guaranteed he will hear of it.

I'm not sure what you should do about the journal. I would let your daughter know that she reads it, it's unfair to her not to know. Poor thing might be mortified over something that to an adult doesn't matter, especially one with a specific agenda. As for the rest of it ignore the compeitition stuff, don't play her game. Your children are smart enough to know what's up. My daughter has a number of Aunts. She LOVES the one most that spends the most time with her and is the most creative with the least amount that she's able to give her.

Whether the rest of the family is "on her side" or not is a question. I think they may want you and your husband to take the brunt of caring for her both financially and emotionally so they don't have to deal with her.

I understand that your mother in law makes it her job to make you crazy, but you have to pick your battles and let the little stuff slide. Some are mourning a grandmother who passed away and you're complaining she gives them too many gifts. Your daughter knows Grandma reads her journal so she wont write anything in it she doesnt want her to read. Buy her a journal for home and let that little thing go. when someone drives us crazy for years we start to let small, petty things drive us nuts. She sounds like an emotional wreck who will not change, stand up for the important things keep your sanity by ignoring as much as possible. these sound like things you could ignore

You shouldn't be confronting her. Your husband has to let her know and let his family know what is really going on with her. It's HIS job, it's HIS mother. It's not just talk with her, it's reinforce over and over and over. Perhaps you should only spend time with her when it's ALL of you together. That way, YOU don't have to deal with it, and your hubby can deal with the stupid as it's happening. Good luck!

Why is she allowed to be alone with your kids at all? I don't mean cut her out but you should be there. Also lieing like that can be a sign of dementia and I would call your SIL about it. Has it been getting worse? If so, she could be getting worse dementia.

Big issue : Should she be allowed to spend time w/ your kids w/o you if she's not able? What does your husband think? Can you and your husband set up some rules about gifts etc that you can share w/ her. If she can't follow them, she can't spend the time w/ the kids? Also, regarding the journal how do you know she's reading it? Does your daughter know that? Sorry this seems very stressful to you and it's easy for us to say what to do, I know it's complicated, however just remember you CAN set rules and boundaries. Put YOUR immediate family first and put a plan together w/ your husband. Good luck.

She sounds like my grown stepdaughter. She is not only a narcissist but she is plain evil. And I don't say that very lightly. Her number one goal in life is to destroy our lives and her brother's life. She has verbally said that and her actions have supported that. We have cut her out of our lifes completely. Luckily for us she lives in a different city but that doesn't completely stop her from attacking us. She is not mentally healthy and is very unstable. I will never for one minute leave my kids in her care. She thinks that since she's "family" it gives her a free pass to say and do whatever she likes. But she is sadly mistaken. If I were you I would not allow my kids to be around you MIL without supervision at least. You need to have control what your kids are being taught and shown. She will put up a fight and will cause issues but you have to protect your kids. You may have to do what we have to, cut off all contact with her. If she contacts you, do not respond in any way. You need to surround your family with positive mentally healthy people. Cut out the negativity. My stepdaughter is virtually alone because of all her lies. No one on her dad's or her mom's side of the family want anything to do with her. That's just plain sad but that's how she chose to live. I wouldn't worry about what the rest of the family thinks. If they are too ignorant to realize that there are two sides to every story, that's their problem, not yours. Stand up for your family. It is not all right that she has your dtr write in a journal and then insist for it to say at her house so she can read it. Do not let her drive a rift between your kids and you. Good luck! Trust me, I know exactly what you are dealing with. If you have any questions, please pm me. I would be more then happy to help if I can.

Just reading the last paragragh makes me wonder why you would leave your children in her care. You are not going to change her, you just have to cope. How...I don't know. :( All I can say is that it won't take long for your kids to see right through her! Kids are very smart about things like that.

I would have talk with your husband... tell him how upset and frustrated you are with his Mother's antics. Ask him if he thinks he can be strong for you - so you can limit the interactions with the MIL for your children and yourself. Maybe even mention to your daughter that she should keep in mind Grandma reads her journal.

Talking to her doesn't make a difference, but maybe showing your displeasure by limiting her involvement will. Also - ask your husband if he can be strong against the possibly rude and untrue guilt trips his family will throw at him for limiting in Mother's interactions. Maybe YOU should contact his other family members and tell them what's going on... and that you aren't willing to quietly take it anymore.

You can't help the unwilling - trust me I know... my Mother has been both my thorn and my occasional friend in my side my whole life.

Why not just have your MIL come over to your house on the weekends instead of them going to her place? Problem soved! Well, sort of! Sorry, I only got to the first issue I'm tired and going to bed and couldn't read anymore! Lol!!

T.,
I know this is an old one and perhaps it has already been solved, I just wanted to give you the perspective of the child in this situation. I grew up in this same situation! My Grandmother is very much a narcissist. I don't know that I would say she is a pathological liar, but she definitely "remembers" things to fit the way that makes the most sense to her and that will benefit her the most. She will say that things were said, even if you never said them, and fight to the death to defend what she remembers. She always did way more then my parents wanted her to. She "spoiled" us with clothes, food, treats, money, breaking our family rules all the time...anything to prove her love and "look" good in our child eyes. She feels she is entitled to more love then others because she gave so much, but the funny thing is I love her just the same as my other grandma, who did very little in the gift giving, but she would never understand that:)
Growing up I realized that she manipulated my sisters and my mother and I all the time, so she could get her way.(which usually was to be the center of our lives)
However I realized very young a few things; 1. she did not own me, she could not buy me.
2. the way she showed and received love was through gifts.
3. she was lonely,
4. I could be gracious for the gifts and loving towards her without letting her hurt me.
5. I have control over what goes in my body and what I allow myself to do. (This one took a while to learn, cause what child wants to turn down sweets? But after I grasped the concept of good food and junk food, it was a lot easier.)

Some things you might want to talk to your girls about are,

Different ways people show love. (gifts in my grandmas case, look up the five love languages)

When a gift is given, one cannot require something in return. You give a gift to show love not to expect to feel loved back.

They are in charge of themselves. Just because someone gives you a lot of things or does a lot of thing for you, does not mean that you owe them anything but graciousness, they do not control you. Just because she wants to take them to the movies doesn't mean they have to go if they don't want to. No one should make them do things they don't want to do, (except a Mom and a Dad that love them and are helping them grow and learn.)

Explain that grandma doesn't have a lot of money. so to keep her safe, they need not tell her all the fun things that you do with them or get them, because she will try to do more. If she asks, then be honest, but try to talk about other things.

Talk about nutrition with them, how they feel lousy after eating junk food and how good they feel after eating balanced all day. They control what goes in their body, just because she has it there and is offering, they do not have to partake.

About the journal, I would tell MIL that your daughter would love to have the journal at your house cause she wants to write in it more often. But if she wants it at her house then you will just get her another one:) After you tell your daughter that Grandma is reading it, encourage her to only write things that she wouldn't care about any strangers reading.

So even though my Grandma "spoiled" us, she did not "ruin" us. I knew who really cared for me and loved me unconditionally, my Mom and Dad. And they did a fabulous job of explaining her to me and helping me realize what her needs were, how I could help fulfill them with out getting hurt.
I have a very good relationship with her now. I am never fake, but I do not go very deep with her, I can't completely trust her not to take what I say the wrong way. We mostly talk about heath and weather and what the kids are doing, what I am doing, just not about feelings or ideas. Kind of superficial, I know, but it keeps her happy and at peace and I don't have to worry about her getting revenge on me by "cutting me off" and her being left all alone.
She may spoil them but because you love them and are aware of this odd but not so rare situation, you can help them not turn sour:) Just be active and open in talking about Grandma not rude or demeaning, just honest. And talk with them about who they want to be when they are grown, and they will ripen just beautifully:)
Good Luck
E.