Michelle Duggar or Kate Gosselin????

hey lisa
i know what you mean it seam like no matter when and where mom never go off duty .a dad's get time off when ever they want no fair but true

Hi Lisa,

That would have scared the heck out of me. Maybe someone else on this site has a better way to handle this, but if it were me, (and I've done this before just to get my point across to my hubby when all else has failed in a situation such as yours) I would have gone into full b**** mode in front of everyone at that party--created a big scene, maybe that would have stuck in his head better, the humiliation. I would have grabbed my kids and left without him. That gets the message across loud and clearn. Obviously, you have been too kind to him in the past about this and he's become lax. Time to make it more meaningful so that he remembers you are serious. When it comes to the kids, both of you have to make sure they are safe whether they are at a party or not.

Just my 2 cents,

M.

Unfortunately, I think this is very common. When we go to hang out with friends, who also have kids, the men tend to go off and start a card game, outdoor game, etc. and the women are left to tend to the kids. i get frustrated about it to and so do my friends. however, i don't like the "solution" to get a babysitter. that is unrealistic. and besides, why get a sitter if all of your other friends have their kids with them. i think that many women are too quick to decide that thier husbands can't change their ways and to make up for them. that is unacceptable. husbands need to realize the responsibility that they share. and if they can't figure it out on their own (and let's face it, they often need help realizing things), we need to show them!

if i were you, i would talk with your husband about the situation. point out to him what you observed about the day, and tell him your frustrations. tell him that you need it to be more 50/50.

my husband does not like when i "lump" him in with other men, you know, to say "this is a man thing." so, when i observe that he is doing the same things as other men, i point it out to him.

you could suggest that he and the other fathers start a game iwth the kids. or, rally your girl friends to encourage all the husbands at the same time to take over the kids, and then switch off after a 1/2 hour and the ladies are on duty.

with any issue with your husband, it's not going to get better unless you talk to him.

On a different subject...sort of, go to the website infantswim.com. Won't solve the hubby issue but may give you some peace of mind around water. Obviously the kids still need adult supervision but my son is ten months old and can right himself and float should he fall into water. It makes me feel a little better.

Im a SAHM so I get very frustrated about this...when my husband is home I expect him to help out and he always seems to forget that when we are at our friends, the beach, the park, or out and about...I am NEVER "off duty" and I get the "I worked all day long and want to relax" line which just angers me even more bc my work in 24/7/365...so I dont have much advice but to let you know you are not alone..

You have a couple of different issues here.

Issue 1 - At the lake -- I live on a lake with 3 small children, so I know how nerve racking it can be! We put life jackets on our children when they are playing outside near the water. Even if I am right there with them, I put a life jacket on the younger 2 in case I'm not paying attention while looking at one of the other children.

Issue 2 - Husband not helping out --- It seems like the issue is not that he doesn't give his fair share of responsibility contribution, but more that he has a different opinion of the level of responsibility needed. If he feels like you both should have been able to sit back and visit while keeping half an eye on the kids, then in his mind he WAS doing his 50% of the work. So, instead of telling him to "help out" - he is already thinking he is doing that, you instead need to make him more aware of the dangers of children drowning, etc...

Issue 3 - Parties - It is very hard to relax at parties when you have kids with you!! Even if both your husband and you share in the responsibilities, it is still hard for either of you to relax. I would recommend finding a teenager that you can bring along with you for the sole purpose of watching the kids. Then you can enjoy your company, and know that someone has the job of watching the kids non-stop. Even when we have guest come to OUR house, we sometimes ask a teenager to come over to help out with the kids so we can focus on the guests.

Hi Lisa,

I did not read all your responses either but I am in the Military. I say this because I have to trust that when I am not around my husband will be able to care for 5 (yes 5) kids all under the age of 8. He does things in his own way and in his own time but I have to trust him to keep our kids alive (the main thing) until I return home. It may be hard to give your husband that kind of trust but you just have to say Babe I will be gone doing XYZ and I'll see you when I get back.

R.

Well, I'll get blasted for saying so, but my husbands job is a lot harder than mine. I love going to work part-time, it's a break for me, but my husband is a licensed builder and journeyman electrician...tough work! Then there is the fact that moms are moms and dads are dads...my husband just doesn't see parenting the same way I do.

Don't go Kate Gosselin on him...it won't work. Look where it got her! :) But Im no Dugger, either!

Talk to him, tell him your frustrations. If he doesn't agree to try, stay home from the next trip. Let him take the bigger kids, but tell him that you and the little ones will stay home, that it's too much work. But mean it! Not to prove a point, just to save your sanity.

~L.

Don't feel bad, I've done the Kate Gosselin with my husband too. My husband thinks it is all social time for him and he is off duty as a father and I get stuck taking care of the kids the whole time. I usually prefer to get a sitter and just keep the kids at home whenever possible. However, when I do have to take the kids, I just deal with it. I realized, my husband is never going to change, no matter how much I yell at him. He is just not a good father. Some men are not cut out to be fathers, and unfortunately, you won't know it till it's too late. Now, I'm not saying this is the case with your man, because I obviously don't know your situation, I'm just saying that some men are like that...like my husband. As far as your situation goes, you may just have to deal with going to parties and taking care of the kids on your own all the time, or he may change and start taking care of them part of the time if you have a sit down with him and explain your feelings to him...you never know. Sit him down and just explain how you feel...without screaming at him...and make him see your point of view. It's worth a try. Either way, I really hope your situation turns out better for you than it has for me. I went through the whole complaining for years and it got me no where. I've always tried to teach my husband how to be a good father, but he just doesn't seem to get it. If your husband is good at being a dad the rest of the time, then maybe you can let the party time go. If he has problems all the time, then get on him to change his behavior now.

I didn't read all of the responses so I may be repeating.
Have you tried talking to your husband BEFORE you go to or have a social function? Let him know your expectation of sharing the child care and name specific tasks like getting food for the kids or changing diapers.
I tend to take on the majority of the childcare in our house and during outings but if I ask my husband to help he will, but I HAVE to be specific!
Blessings, K.

Lisa,

I am just finishing a study on the book "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. It is a Biblical perspective on being the wife God wants you to be whether your husband is acting the way you want him to or not. I find that focusing on myself rather than what I want to change in my husband gets me much farther than getting angry. It's a hard book to read, as I realized what God's purpose for me as a wife really is. It's not to be a doormat, it's not to be a "little woman", but it is to be a "helper suitable" to my husband, who I am commanded to respect. I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but this book really helped me. Rather than argue issues with your husband, work on yourself and let him see a change in you. That's sometimes the only way we can really teach someone what we want them to learn. If they get it, great. If they don't, then let God continue to work in them and you keep doing what you're supposed to do as a wife and a mom. You can be a sweet wife and still have a cranky husband, but at least you're doing what God put you here for, and you can't go wrong with God.

Be blessed!

My dear friend "You are not alone". I have this problem often. I don't know what to tell you other than husbands like ours will never be the kind of attentive care givers we are. The good news is thank God our kids are only getting older and won't always need THIS kind of care(they'll need something else). I would go crazy if I had to do this for the next 20 years.

I have seen this happen a lot with friends. I am just curious, how was your husband when they were babies? Did you care for them completely or did he help? I have found that with a lot of things that from the very beginning a precendence is set and men just follow it. SO, if you were the type to be super mom from the beginning they he is just expecting you to continue that and its not necessarily his fault, although I'm not blaming you completely either. Men are very simple creatures so in my mind this is how you trained him to be and he just simply needs to be REtrained. I would start with daily routine/activities...have him help more ALL the time and not just when you guys go out or to parties etc. You seem like a typical week you handle everything and so he expects you to ALWAYS do that. I know it may be hard, as I've watched my husband give my 5 month old a bath and sure he might get soap in her eyes and I cringe but the minute I correct him or criticize then he won't be willing to do it. Sure the nuturing comes naturally to most of us women but it does not with men, it is simply learned behavior. The other thing is, if when he grew up his mom did everything and his dad did nothing then you'll have an even harder time because he was unconsciously taught by them this is how it works. Anyway, you can still change him but just don't expect him to KNOW when he should step up and help, try to give him tasks that he should do to help and once he learns how to do it then he will naturally offer to help etc. Men also need lots of praise when they do something, they love to feel appreciated. SO, hopefully this helps and you can break the cycle of him just helping to appease you and then going back to old ways. You need to tell him that you need his help EVERYDAY, otherwise I swear he will never change and never know when he is supposed to help and when he isn't. Good luck to you! Keep us posted!

Sounds to me like a normal situation
For men. I would just get a sitter and not take the kids then u are able to have fun and sociallize also

Men seem to be less interested in parenting in public then women and also tend to be more laid back about watching the kids. I'd say this is an issue that isn't going to just go away on its own and nagging isn't going to help, only make it worse.

I'd suggest getting a sitter when you go to or host parties as this seems to be the major time when he's not helpful. It will give you some peace of mind and allow you some social time as well (keep you from feeling resentment towards him about his lack of help). And on the occasions when you're at a long weekend with friends you might want to have a conversation with him about how you know he wants to hang out with friends but would he promise to just take over watching the kids at some set times so you won't have to remind him and have that tension. Also prepare yourself that he's not going to watch them like you would, and if its somewhere like a lake house you either have to relax and trust him or just don't ask him to help you.

I know it seems unfair to have this responcibility all on your shoulders, but we don't always get what we think is fair in life and the bigger you make this issue the more damage it will ultimately do to your relationship. Is it worth fighting out to the bitter end or can you just accept this is how it is and find ways to cope?

I haven't read all the responses, but I do 2nd that you have to discuss it with him before the party. Maybe you have a party where he watches them the whole time and the next one you watch them or whatever.

I know the last event we went to together as a family I ended up visiting and my husband watched our son, but I was careful to switch when I could so he got some time... so maybe he's just not as aware of what is needed.

I would do the same thing with my husband that I do with children...anticipate the problems and situations ahead of time and discuss expectations before you get there.

Assumming you knew there would be a lake and you know how he's lax, make sure you're on the same page about how closely you need to watch the children and negotiate ahead of time how you'll take shifts, when and how you'll relieve each other, what "watching them / being on duty" entails...e.g. do you have to be in the water with them, are you allowed to talk to other adults on the deck, etc.

Maybe even tie the conversation into some tragedy you just read about (e.g. I was watching Oprah and this poor woman was tending to her older child, lost site of her younger for just a minute, and he drowned. It got me thinking about where we're going this weekend, and the lake near their house...etc. You get the idea).

Been there done that.  We have three children within 5 years.  I remember asking him to pick one of the three and getting a confused look as to why he needed to help!  I would remind him that they are only 2 and 3 once and if he chooses to miss out that is his decision.  I kept things going for my kids benefit.  Our oldest is 15 and he is now realizing what he missed....because he was busy.  Keep after him and help him realize what he is missing.   It's not about who gets a break.  It's about being there for your kids.  Good job Mom!

You are so not alone in this. My husband is an awesome father and takes great care of the kids but I have to be totally and physically gone for this to happen. If I am within the area he shuts down and is Mr social and if I try and the kids act up I get corrected for not watching them. This happened just a few weeks ago at some local fireworks, I really never relaxed but he laid on the blanket and enjoyed himself. We were down there with some on my friends that I hadn't seen in years so I wanted to visit a little. Don't do a Kate on him though as i have watched back episodes she is so disrepectful to him and they are always on the go, he was just plain tired. As far as a Michelle, I would love to have her patience and understanding but i don't. One thing they have is a system for doing things and structure( something I don't have) but maybe something like that and just a calm discussion on how you feel. Now I am going to go and take my own advise and the advies of some of the others too.
Hope it all helps and God Bless you and your family K.