To any mothers out there that have dealt with children with RAD.....
I adopted my daughter about 5 years ago and the nightmare began. She has been diagnosed with RAD, PTSD, ADHD and ODD. She is 7 and will be turning 8 this summer. I have had counselors in & out of her life since day 1. The older she gets, the bigger, more violent and more manipulative she is. She came to me as a foster child and when she went up for apoption, I felt the need to keep her in my home and give her a good life. She in turn, is destroying mine. I now have a 2 year old baby girl that I'm scared she is going to hurt! I am at the point now that I feel she needs to go somewhere that can help more. I have done everything I can think of and nothings working. She talks about burning the house down and she told her grandpa that she thinks it'd be funny to watch someone drowned. These are just a couple of things that she has said. Over the last 6 months or so she has discovered masterbation. She is completely obsessed with it. She will stay up until 4am doing it and I can't get her to stop. I've tried everything you could imagine & she still continues. Typical disiplines do not work with kids with RAD. I've tried grounding her, taking her things away, time outs, yelling, talking calmly, basically all traditional styles of consequences and she just rebels even more. When she sees "red", there is no stopping her. She has choked my baby and tried to give her cpr by pushing on her chest (even though she is alive). It has been a really long hard road with her in my house and I'm at the point that I want to just give up. I can't take anymore of it!!!! If anyone knows of any reputable therapuetic boarding schools or something of the sort that will take a child so young, I would greatly appreciate any help you could offer! She is too dangerous to have in my home and I need all the help I can get before she hurts herself or someone else. If you have any ideas on how to deal with her in the mean time while I'm trying to figure out what to do, anything that could help me keep my sanity would be great! Thanks for any and all help you can provide :)
Thank you Katie! RAD stands for "Reactive Attachment Disorder". She is not able to attach herself to people, therefore; she shows no emotion to anything. The easiest way to explain it is a child with sociopathic behaviors. She does not feel empathy, sadness or remorse. It is a very scary thing to deal. I have found that you cannot teach a child to have these traits. Typically, we are all born with these instincts and some ( like her) are not.
Kristina M..... Yes, I did choose to adopt her, however; at the age of 2, I did not know that she had these severe issues. I have been able to deal with them up until she was about 5. She has gotten much worse since then. As for the baby, I was not planning to bring another child into my home. I had tried for many years to have a child and was not able to. When I got pregnant, it was like a gift from god! I was more than surprised and excited! When I adopted my oldest, I did it purely out of love for her and wanting to give the best life that I could. She sees that as a bad thing. If you know anything about RAD, you would understand that kids with this disorder fight attachment. They try to make you hate them so they don't have to attach to you. I am trying to find a place that can help her and I can stay in her life. If I turn her back over to the state, she will be adopted out to another family and it will just make her worse, that will be my very last option. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want that for her, I just want to help her. She will always be my daughter and I will always try to do what's best for her. She would feel like I abandoned her and therefore I'm just one more person that she won't have to attach to. I figured when I posted this that someone would not understand my reality and think badly of me. I can honestly say, no one with normal children could understand what daily life is like when raising a child with such behavioral issues unless you live it. It is terrifying and emotionally draining!
Thank you to everyone for your responses. I truly want to help my daughter and all of your help means a lot! I'll look into all the links that you have sent me.
Ephie D.... Wow, you have been through a lot! It sounds to me like you know exactly where I'm coming from. Pretty much everything you said sounded like you were reading pages from my life's story book. The constant tantrums, the threats, the violence, etc is what I live with everyday. I completely understand the feeling of waking up in hell every time the alarm clock goes off and dreading getting up and starting the day! It makes it very hard to find enjoyment in anything in life and creates a lot of depression & anxiety. It makes me very sad for my baby because I feel like I can't give her all of the attention she deserves due to the constant need from my oldest daughter. I'm glad to know that there really are other people out there that have walked in my shoes & understand how painful & exhausting raising a child like her can be. Thank you for the book references, I will definitely check them out!!!
To everyone that has replied.... I stumbled across this website and thought I'd try it to see if anyone could help me. I can't even find the words to say of how wonderful you have all been. I sincerely want to thank you all for taking your precious time to help us and your prayers!!! I hope I can find a solution to keep my little girl and my family safe. It means so much to me to know that their are still people in this world that are caring and willing to help when things get tough. Not a day goes by that I don't cry due to my situation. I have lost friends and family because they are scared to have their children around my daughter. I am so happy & feel so blessed to have found such an incredible site that enables people to create such a support system. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/15213260749309935617
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12704429730309537793
These are some similar questions and the OP is pretty darn smart. Maybe it will help.
Wow! My heart goes out to you. I have nothing to add but I hope you take some of this great advise below me. Sending you a huge hug and the strength to do what needs to be done.
I know you've said she's seen "counselors," but is she currently under the care of highly experienced and specialized therapists and a child psychiatrist who work together on her tx plan? Children with these types of disorders need more than just "counseling."
If you're working with those professionals, please call them for a much needed emergency intervention. They can help you with decisions about inpatient treatment.
If you aren't working with these professionals, call your child's pediatrician, explain what is happening, and ask him/her to assist you in getting an immediate appointment. Having a referral from a child psychiatrist may be required for admission to some of the facilities you're considering.
Grounding, consequences, time-outs, etc. alone are not going to be effective with these disorders, so please call today to get some help. Also, start checking with your insurance to see whether they cover intensive inpatient treatment and which places they cover.
I don't know how many other adults are in your home, but it would be helpful if you could get some family or friends to assist you and help supervise until you can get your daughter to a more structured, intensive setting. I know it's hard to ask for help sometimes, but this is the time to do it.
It's clear that you're beyond stressed, but please work with your daughter's treatment team and never give up on your little girl. You may want to consider getting some help for yourself as well because there is so much more than you are saying here.
I wish you and your family the best. Please keep us updated.
J. F.
ETA: I know some are sharing stories of "hopeless" cases here with respect to RAD, and yes, it is a very serious disorder. However, no one here can know or diagnose the extent or severity of YOUR daughter's situation. There are some cases where professionals say, "there's no more I can do," but it doesn't sound like anyone's said that to you, and at this point, it's too early to tell with your daughter. Please hang in there; get her where she needs to be, and then see what happens before making any permanent decisions.
RAD... is a very serious condition.
She will probably never be "normal."
Which is sad.
And she is a danger... to others and to herself.
Is she on any medication?
Because, she is a danger to herself and others, and even a Professional would have a hard time dealing with this in daily life at home.... I don't know how you would manage this. Even if you were a Super Hero.
She may need to be in a managed care type of facility.
Ask your current Therapists... what the options are...
They should know of treatment centers.
My heart goes out to you.
"RAD" is very serious.
And develops from babyhood...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder
Remember to not blame yourself.
And yes, she is too dangerous to have in your home.
I would start out by calling CPS and see if they can help get her removed from your home.
I would also ask them if there is some sort of "respite" care you could take advantage of until you can find something permenent for her. That way you and the LO could get a bit of a break. I think they'll keep them for 24 or 48 hours.
Other than that, I have no answers for you. All I can do is pray you find something that works for both of you.
Sending hugs and prayers your way!
Bear in mind that you CHOSE to bring her into your home, and she is probably well aware that she is ruining your life no matter if you have said it aloud or not. I hope you have documented to her therepist(s) that she IS becoming a danger to herself and others, in addition I do not know why you would bring another child into your home knowing your first needs so much and can be such a great danger. Personally I would have her removed from your home, but not your life. Maybe this will help you find a place that will work for the family unit:
http://www.thefamilycompass.com/boardingschoolsinoregon.htm
K., I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know a family that has a child with RAD. No matter what they did or any medical treatments, nothing helped. To make a long story short, their child ended up strangling their younger son to death. Now their daughter is in a juvenile mental institution. You need to get this child out of your home an into a place that can provide around the clock supervision. What does your pediatrician say???
K.,
I truly am sorry for how this has all turned out for you and your family and all your good intentions.
I have a step-SIL who went through the exact same thing you have described. She fostered many children, then adopted one girl from Eastern Europe, the girl has RAD, she made their lives a living nightmare and expensive one at that, with all the numerous specialists and counselors and experts they took her to. They tried summer camps away through different organizations. In the end, I am sorry to report, none of it worked. She became a master at manipulating and puberty became a real hell for all those involved. She also fantasized about others dying horrible deaths. One summer their other daughter became quite sick, started out slowly, got worse over time. The adopted daughter with RAD was super sweet and loving to her sister on the surface, especially when others were watching. She ended up poisoning her sister to almost near death with rat poison from the garage.
The state stepped in (this happened in SoCALIF) and based upon the long, sordid history and failed attempts at recovery removed her from the home obviously for the safety of the other girl and put her into an adult home. Where she is now, no one knows as she reached the age of 18 and lives amongst us.
Believe me, I get it and there are others who get it. There is often no cure for your daughter. You must protect your baby immediately from her. NEVER leave the two of them alone. Never allow her to help change diapers, bathe, anything. Please get this. Do not under any circumstances allow them to be together alone. Keep you baby in your room at night with you until you have her out of your house and until you can figure out a long term plan.
Therapy does not always help for these types of personality disorders. You have done your best and given her your very best. You have. Please believe this about your heart and your choices. You cannot save every child. It is sad, but true.
I will pray for strength and guidance and that you and your counselors devise an acceptable plan for all involved.
Do you work with a case manager/ psychiatrist or therapist? If not, you will need to find one for your daughter. It is highly unlikely that you can deal with this on your own( and obviously you are aware of that).
My advice would be to take her to your nearest hospital that has Emergency Mental Health services ( EMH), or a children's hospital . She needs to be psychiatrically evaluated. It is possible that she will need in-patient care for medication stabilization and behavioral monitoring.
They also might set her up with a case manager , therapist, and psychiatrist either for out-patient or in-patient care. It is possible that she will also need to be in a long term residential or in-patient program that specializes in behavioral care for children. In a residential program she will be monitored 24/7 by staff. Same as in a hospital, but it is located in the community.
I worked in a residential program that serviced adult mental health and addiction. It works the same with children and adolescents.
It is my opinion that this is a unsafe environment for everyone, and she needs to be further evaluated, and monitored. The early that she is treated, the better.
Welcome to Mamapedia!!!
Jo beat me to the punch. I remember another member whom, I agree with Jo, is smart! has a niece like this. Please go through those posts and hopefully connect with the poster so that you can get the help you need.
I don't personally know anyone with this disorder. However, I would GUESS (and that's all it is is a GUESS) that she needs continuity and consistency. Having too many people in and out of her life might not help her. But I'm not in your shoes so I don't know what to say to help you.
If she is too dangerous to have in your home - maybe you need to consider making her a ward of the state and let them take over? I know that's not the best option, but if she is dangerous - it might end up being the only option.
I will pray that things will work out for you.
You need to find a therapist who will put her inpatient for observation and evaluation. They will take her off her meds and start her over completely, or they should. They will allow her to get pissed off so they can see her at her worst, they will allow her to be manipulated by others in the facility so they can see how she responds/reacts, She needs to do this now.
IF she is found to be a worst case child are you prepared to have her institutionalized? I would have a hard time with this disability myself.
It is worth thinking about so you can be prepared to make some hard decisions for her future.
K., my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I'm so sorry. Please take good care of yourself. Hugs :)
For the immediate future, I would look into a summer sleep away program for troubled kids, that will give you some time to figure all this out.
No matter what she's doing, she's still your daughter and you're still her mother. Have you considered that she has a biochemical problem? A really serious neurological condition, which means she has no control over her behaviors. Giving her up means giving up on her, and that doesn't help her.
I would call every local child psychiatrist, pediatric neurologist, and children's hospital. Have her committed to the children's hospital on a psychiatric hold from the emergency room during her next fit. Video record these incidents. It's very, very likely that there's a lot more going on than what she's been diagnosed with. I wouldn't be surprised if she has bipolar disorder or some other serious mood disorder.
Please commit to helping her. You are her mother and no one else will do it. No one else will be her advocate.
Did you adopt through an agency or the state? Do they offer any resources to you now that the adoption is a done deal or are you on your own?
I don't know where to tell you to turn...but I will offer you sympathy as we had a child like this in our family...and no one can understand RAD until they deal with it up close. The one our family is dealing with I am pretty sure is a sociopath/psychopath...they have no ability to determine right from wrong, no empathy...and the ability to feel love at all (receive it or give it).
You are not alone in dealing with it but I can tell you that "attachment therapy" did not help in our case...and we had one psychiatrist tell us that he was of no use to us and that the child would not benefit from therapy at all or medication to help. How to do give a child conscience?
Big hug from me!!!
You have lots of good answers here. I just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you. Also for this child. How strange for her to have this. My cousin adopted a baby who became like this and she tried to burn the house down and tried to stab her. She gave her to her aunt and somehow it worked out okay, the aunt lived alone with her and had constant therapy for her.
I agree this child is too dangerous to stay in your home especially with a baby. But this is very sad too.
Is there a church agency or program that can help?
You are in my prayers for strength, quietute and peace of mind. May you be guided as to the best thing to do.
I also have no answeres but I just want to say how sorry I am you are going through this. Sounds very tramuatic for you and the whole family. Sounds like your two year old is in a significant amount of danger and I understand that you want to find a proper place so your adoptive daughter can get the help she needs.
Prayers for you that you get this sorted out asap.
Very easy for Kristina to preach. Wow. You did a wonderful thing and I'm sorry it's turned out to be so incredibly difficult. No advice as I haven't dealt with this but I hope you find help.
Hi Kelley - I don't know much personally about what you are going through - but my husband's cousins are therapists that specialize in attachment disorder treatment. Their website is attached below. They are in North Carolina but may be able to help you find someone closer to your area to help. Perhaps give them a call.
http://www.beatitudehouse.org/
Good Luck
S. Young
Very sad and difficult situation for you and unfortunately there is no "easy" way out for anyone involved. I really can't do more than just pray someone helps you find the right path for her. You have to keep your baby safe. I have also read the NY Times piece about child psychopath research and it there are several researchers named in the article. I think that trying to contact them directly would be a great first step. Whatever help is available, I'm sure they could refer you to it.
Wow! I am sorry. I do not know what RAD is but I just happened to watch a small documentary on-line about "psycopath" kids. I am NOT saying that is what your daughter is, it was just the title of the documentary. I will try and find it, but it sounds a lot like your girl and she did go through some sort of intense therapy and she is better now. (she is grown). I am so so so sorry you are going through this! I will try and find the documentary because it has the therapy that the girl went through.
Here is the link to the article/documentary that I saw. To see the therapy you have to click on another link that is in the article. I think it was some sort of attachement therapy and I think there is some controversy around it. Good luck to you!
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/kid-psychopath-221400341...
This is a link to the therapy the girl in the video went through.
