Merging Families

I had my last child at 38, after 2 years of living together with my now hubby( 9 years together now). A blended family is fine when you are living apart. It is tough mixing families. Be together before you bring another child into the mix so you can work out the problems that arise with a mixed family. I brought 3 kids with me and he had a 18 year old daughter that resented us even though she didnt live at home. Not saying every situation is the same, but kids are funny about their territory, whether it be a home or a parent.

Dear Tiff,
You are not living together, you are not engaged, he is divorced (?)and working his way through college, and money is a concern for both of you. Having a baby is not going to fix anything. It might help if you could talk to someone - a minister, counselor - who could help you set some goals and clearly see what it will take to achieve them. Maybe there is counseling at his college and you could go together? Make sure you both want the same things because once you meld families the relationship you have with your mate is the core from which everything else grows - good and bad. Take your time. Good luck.

My honest advice, (I'm sorry if I offend you) is to live together with both of your families, pay the bills together, grocery shop together, etc. This will help you get a better idea of whether or not you can handle the three kids before deciding on whether or not to have another little one running around. On top of that you NEED to be able to financially handle another baby, TOGETHER. Besides, the kids are going to have to learn to share their time with their parent with a new spouse, and another child. (or two.) You're going to need to know if the family dynamics in this situation will work the way you're hoping (rooting for you) they will.

I think you're wise to wait until you get married before having another child.

Tiff,

I best advice here is take your time with all of this. When I met my current husband I had a daughter who was seven and he had three children (11, 9, and 6). We dated for 2 years before we became engaged and then didn't marry until we had been together for three years. And now we have been married for almost two years and while I am happy that we are married, it seems that we are still coming across things that we didn't discuss prior to merging our families together. And even when things seem great when you are not together all the time with the kids, all of sudden when you are, emotions erupt over things that you didn't think were previously problems.

And then yes of course, money for a family of 3 or 4 children is significantly different that a family with one. Just think about the multiplying bills, every time you go somewhere and buy something for your son. Just a quick trip to McDonalds can go from $10 for two, to $30 or $40 for 6. School clothes, supplies, shoes, etc...

I'm in no way trying to rain on your parade or say that your relationship is doomed. Because if he is the one that you are suppose to be with, you will find happiness with one another. But if there is no impending reason for you to get married quickly, I urge you to take things slow. And really go over how you both plan on handling all kinds of situations with your children, where is everyone going to sleep, how you are going to handle holidays with families, who is going to discipline who ?, etc... The first couple years of marriage are difficult for people with no children, but adding in a couple can really make things interesting.

Good luck!

I agree with the lady before me. If I had only know all the problems that would have arised I'm not sure how fast I would have jumped in. Take it slow again and discuss many issues. It was once told to me that it takes as many years as the age of the child for that child to accept you as the new mom or dad. IT DOES!!!! There are resentments that will pop up and many other issues. If you are not behind each other from the veery beginning in all isssues such as discipline it can be very hard. Is he comfortable with you disiplining his children? Do you agree with how he does it? The issue of another child should be down the road a bit. Slow down or you may end up a single mom again with 2 children.

Relax and wait. You are still young and this relationship has not jelled yet. Let him get out of college and get a job. Time is on your side so don't rush anything or him. If it is going to work out, it will. However, with so much else on his plate, I don't think you will be able to judge an honest answer about your future together with another child at this point.
Good luck!
S.

I'm lost. Between you, you have 11, 8, 2 & you'd like to round it out w/another, right? If he's indifferent on another, maybe you should wait & see for a bit longer. Either he'll change his mind one way or another, or you'll decide one biobaby is enough for you. You need to find out how serious he is before you start planning a baby with him-you're already raising a baby by yourself because dad walked out on you. How will you & bf share baby expenses? Together, with him paying you support of sorts, you'll shoulder the financial load? Put your plans on paper, decide how custody will go since you're not living in the same house, how money will be spent, daycare, etc. If you see it working out on paper, then go for it!
Blended families are different & more of a challenge (esp if there are exes involved in day-to-day stuff) but I wouldn't trade mine for the world! We've got 4 total-2 became mine when we married & 2 I gave birth to. Our bigs are in another state but the boys all get along great at our house when we're a family of 6 together.
Good luck!

OK, from what I'm understanding, you're wanting to build the relationship, and then look at having another baby later on? That sounds to me like the best option. True, going from one little guy to 3 is going to be a challenge, but you already get along with his boys and they already know you. It would be a shift for them to start seeing you as an authority figure, and 8 and 11 year olds take different parenting strategies, but that can be worked out! Look at your relationship with him. Do you both want to be together for the rest of your lives? If so, get married!! If you're not sure, maybe wait a bit longer. Don't move in together, though, until you are married. It will just be more confusing for all the kids (especially if you end up not getting married). Talk with him about your relationship with him and his kids, not about another baby. That seems to be confusing the issue right now. Take time to get settled into being a blended family of 'his and hers' before you decide to add the 'ours.'

Are you looking for more details on how to become a good parental figure to the boys? Be a good example, be firm, but make sure that you follow their dad's lead. At least until you are married, he is the authority. After (if) you do get married, they will probably still see him as the one in charge, and it will take some (even lots) of time before they accept you as a real authority. You and he will just want to decide what the expectations of the kids are (yours too!) and let them know - these are the rules, it doesn't matter who it is that is at home, the rules are the same for both 'parents'. This can help avoid the "you're not my mom!" issue - they know that dad will be following up anyway. As long as you don't go in trying to change how they do things, it should be okay.

I hope I've made some sense and answered your questions. Good luck!!

For everyone's long-term benefit, please consider marriage before considering another baby. I am not just being old-fashioned, I am being realistic and practical. Commit to each other for real before creating another person to commit to. Because yes, a fourth child is a big deal--and it could be right, but doing things in the right order will be the difference between being totally stressed or feeling like some of your concerns were settled before Baby arrives. Best wishes!

If you're having sex, stop.
Then decide if you plan to marry. Wait until after you're married. Build a solid relationship together on a firm foundation. Give it a year at least. Be in agreement.
Good luck!

I am 30 and we have 5 kids. Finances are tough, but we get by. My kids love each other so much and they are a great help to me. If you love him and know that you both are willing to work hard for this relationship then it will all work out.

His 1 + My 2 + Our 2 = a huge handful! We had an interesting mix with only 4 total at any one time but 4 is so many more than 3. Even going from 1 to 3 is going to be big. You have to plan for a bigger car, older boys take up a lot of space and don't like sitting on either side of a car seat for any length of time, it means a bigger house to have 4, a lot more food than you would even believe once it becomes your task to feed 2 adolecent boys and a growing toddler 3 meals a day. There is a lot more laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dirt (believe me we have a total of 3 boys and they are ALWAYS dirty). Boys also destroy everything not because they are bad, but because they play hard. It is expensive. It is also very different to go from being in a committed relationship to being married and all living together. It takes a lot of time and adding a new baby to the mix will not make it easier. We have a big gap between our bigs and our littles and it works just fine so if you want another baby I would wait at least 2 years after you are married. That's when we finally felt settled in with all the kids even though we had lived together for 2 years before we got married. We have been married 9 years now and we still have some mixed family troubles but few and far between. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.