Memorial Service Question

My dad was a pastor for nearly 50 years. He would conduct funeral services in which he would not shy away from declaring the Word of God that he believed so strongly in, but he would not get into social situations or disparage anyone at the funeral. He would talk about peace, forgiveness, comfort, heaven, but he would be respectful of the variety of people who would be at the funeral: truth with sensitivity. I remember one funeral where the deceased was a grandparent of a very traditional family. My dad was informed that one grandson was traveling from a significant distance, and would be performing a special tribute and that it might be unusual. The family told my dad a little about the grandson's beliefs and it was clear they didn't agree with the beliefs but that he was still their family member and he was going to be there because he loved his grandparent. The grandson was introduced by my dad, and proceeded to do some kind of ceremony involving placing stones in a circle, crumbling herbs, lighting a feather on fire, while reciting a chant of some kind. The grandson explained to the family that by lighting the feather, his grandparent's soul would be free to join the smoke and therefore join the universe, or something to that effect. Of course, my dad did not agree, but he stood quietly by and his words immediately following this feather ceremony were to the effect of "thank you, you obviously loved your grandparent very much", and went on with the funeral. My dad demonstrated a respectful stance (not rolling his eyes, or appearing bored, or anything else) and therefore set the tone for anyone else who might be inclined to be dismissive of such a ceremony at a traditional church funeral.

My dad was informed in advance. I think that many ministers know how to be respectful while not turning their backs on what they hold dear. I think if you inform your pastor that your brother will be sharing something personal about his grandmother's acceptance of him despite any differences they may have had, and that your family does not want the pastor's words to be a sermon on any social situations (whether it's homosexuality, the presidential election, responsible home ownership or how to adopt a dog from a shelter), but to focus on your grandmother's life, her kindness, her faithfulness, and her love. Ask him to set the tone for the service and to ensure that all are welcome to celebrate your grandmother's life. Your grandmother's pastor is free to share your grandmother's beliefs, and he probably will read some words of Scripture, but they don't have to refer to homosexuality or Noah's Ark or Adam and Eve or anything except comfort for your family knowing that your grandmother was faithful and loving. If he chooses to use this time of mourning as a chance to preach against homosexuality, he is a discredit to pastors everywhere who are thoughtful, dedicated, sensitive, bold, and appropriate.

I know that my dad would have appreciated knowing what your brother was going to share, and that he would have demonstrated genuine love, inspired the rest of the family to be respectful, and he would have shared his beliefs while not undermining anyone else's. I would also encourage your brother to not use this time as a chance to preach a bit of a sermon of his own. It's not the time to bring up Matthew Shepard or bigotry. He can say something to the effect of "when I told Grandma that I was gay, she hugged me, she told me how much she loved me, she told me that some people would not be accepting of me, but she demonstrated that she would always treat me with kindness. I will always appreciate that and hope to live up to her standards, to treat everyone with kindness and to honor her memory by sharing the kind of love she had for all of humanity."

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

I think maybe it should be mentioned to the preacher that he needs to trust in his God to do the judging when ever judgement day comes and in the meantime - at least at this service - he needs to lay off that particular homosexuality sermon.

I am sure that when he came out was not the one and only example of how his grandma was supportive of him. Why must his whole speech be about one event? My grandma was amazing and most of our time was spent cooking and gardening yet I am sure I could talk for hours about how special my grandma was to me without ever mentioning food and gardening. That is how amazing people are, they give you a lot.

I think preacher man should realize he isn't a church and has a diverse audience and curb the need to judge others, stick to grandma, ya know? It sounds like your brother already knows he has a diverse audience and is willing to adjust what he says. Of course it will be emotional so if it slips out people need to get over it because he is human.

That sucks that the pastor is homophobic. I feel bad for your brother bc no one should ever make him feel bad for who he is and there is nothing wrong with being gay. However, it seems a little self centered to want to talk about this one subject which is really about himself at the memorial service. I think he should get up and talk about the MANY ways she was wonderful and all the nice things she did for him in his life...as well as say how accepting she was of him for exactly how he is and how much that meant to him to be loved and accepted. I personally would keep it slightly more private and not make a big to do about my sexuality at the memorial service...but I'm a private person.

I'm confused on why his coming out to his grandma and her reaction is the only thing he wants to talk about. Why can he not say something to the effect of "she was always supportive of me and loved me no matter what" and move on? Your mom needs to tell the pastor that he will not judge anyone in the service for any reason whatsoever.

You can head it off by meeting with the pastor ahead of time and laying out the plan on who is speaking and the basic content. Remind him that this is a memorial service to a woman who was accepting of things that the pastor is not and that the service is about your grandmother and not his agenda. Tell him flat out that any homophobic comments will have him removed from the service.

Then the day of the event make sure that someone is there who will stand up and say that the pastor's views are not those of the deceased or her family and then step in to take over if he utters a single homophobic word. Awkward? Yup but the only way to stop a bully is to take away his power. He can't complain because he was giving a heads up before hand and decided to ignore it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one who was instrumental in your life is tough.

Her memorial service should be about her and how she affected others lives. When my father in law died suddenly and unexpectedly two years ago? The service was attended by many. They each wrote a note about his influence in their lives. We put it together and handed it to my mother in law. She loves looking at that.

I would tell my brother that his being gay isn't the only thing he remembers her for. If he is concerned about people viewing him negatively? He doesn't need to come out and say "she accepted my being gay". He can sandwich his memories of her and close with, no matter what, she loved me unconditionally. He doesn't have to mention he's gay. It's not about him being gay. It's about her loving him unconditionally.

He should say what he needs to say to say goodbye. It would be perfectly appropriate to discuss this with your grandmother's pastor in advance and be clear that his judgement on the topic will not be welcome. I am sorry for your loss.

Can he not say how loved he felt when his grandmother accepted him for who he is?

I'd keep it like that.

Personally, I feel awkward at funerals where people go on about stuff that no one else can relate to - very private moments, or stuff that you would not normally share. It's about your grandmother - not your brother. So if he focused on how loving and accepting she was as a person, and as a grandmother, and how she did not judge, etc. without getting into specifics - then I think that might be best.

YI suggest that the officiant will act in a professional manner and not react to your brother's comments. Your brother should say whatever he wants to say without regard to what anyone may believe. SINCE he feels awkward with his grandmother's choice of officiant, perhaps it would help for you to go with him to talk with the officiant.

I suggest that his grandmother made this choice knowing the officiant will handle this situation gracefully. She would not want her grandson hurt. I would talk with the officiant to settle my fears.

What one says at the memorial service is whatever they want to say. Do talk with the officiant about the order in which the revive will be conducted. Making the service arrangements is similar to making wedding service arrangements. IT's your service. YOU code the details as they fit into the church protocol for services. I recently attended a memorial service in an Episcopal church. They have an order for conducting a formal religious service. Your family, with the officiant, will be deciding the order of service.

How awful that your family is in this conundrum. In the middle of mourning the loss of your grandmother, you have to sacrifice the needs of the mourner to the fundamentalism of the pastor.

Some hardline religious leaders will separate their views on "the behavior" from their views on the individual. (And yes, I know it's not "behavior" as in something that can be changed, and I fully believe that homosexuality is as natural as heterosexuality. I'm using that term because some religious leaders do, as in "hate the sin, love the sinner.")

I would suggest that either the pastor speaks first, followed by family members, and/or that those who wish to speak stand near the pulpit together as each one steps forward for his/her own remarks. That way, your brother will have you and other family members standing next to him in solidarity. Hopefully the pastor wouldn't be the type to get up and interrupt your brother anyway, but at least you will all be there to sort of stare him down if he decides to get up.

The trick is to keep him from adding comments afterwards. One option is always to speak to him beforehand and ask what his custom is if a mourner has a different religious philosophy. Ideally, the pastor would reassure you that he would not weigh in on the personal comments in a funeral as he would if he were preaching a sermon to his full congregation. Then you can all relax ahead of time and your brother will have far less stress and be able to concentrate on sharing his memories of his grandmother rather than worrying about being upstaged by the pastor. On the other hand, if the pastor refuses to allow your brother's comments to go unchallenged, your mother can reconsider the choice of pastor. One argument is that the funeral is for the mourners, not for the person who has died. So you should all choose the person who will give you strength and comfort, not someone who will publicly judge a member of your family in this moment of great pain and loss.

My condolences to you all.

i think the preacher needs to be sat down, ans told very firmly that the deceased that we are honoring with the memorial service ACCEPTED homosexuality and he needs to respect her and keep his trap shut about it. he needs to know that if he (or anyone) stops your brothers speech they will be gently removed from the service.

and one can also mention that God created man, gay or straight. and God will judge him for judging others.

a difficult situation for sure. i'd be inclined to pass on the homophobic preacher, but i do understand your mother's rationale.
i'm with you in that i don't think it matter's a tinker's damn if anyone is offended by your brother. at family funerals i've attended, listening to my brothers' reminiscences have been the most poignant and impactful parts of the services. the preacher can be as offended as he wants, but if he (or anyone else) cuts your brother off, i'd be prepared to stand and courteously but firmly say something like, 'all family members are allowed to speak at this service. please be polite and remain silent until we've all had our say.'
if necessary, caution the preacher beforehand that no interruptions of family members will be tolerated.
i can't say i've encountered this as a problem, as no one has been so awful at a family funeral as to cut off or humiliate any of the grieving family members.
i'm sorry for your loss and hope it goes well.
khairete
S.

ETA - Fuzzy and Marda, I wish so very much that being gay wasn't controversial. Pastors declaring that the deceased isn't going to heaven is controversial too and I wish they wouldn't do THAT. (And the woman talking about her great sex with the deceased in front of his wife, good heavens!) But all over our country, people demean those who are different. A pastor standing up there and lecturing about how gays are going to hell during a funeral is also controversial and I sure wouldn't want to be sitting in that church listening to it. The original poster does not know what the pastor will do, confronted with a family member talking about this subject. If he talks badly about this young man's talk, it would be hard on the grandson and on the family who love this young man and takes away from the reason why everyone is there - honoring his grandmother.

Original:
I don't know. It bothers me when I hear controversial stuff at a funeral. I often think that the deceased wouldn't have wanted stuff like this talked about.

Like the funeral where a woman got up and talked about how happy the deceased man had made her, and she made sure that everyone knew she was talking about how happy he made her sexually. Right in front of the man's wife who had been married to him for 50 years plus. Yeah, we all knew that he had fooled around on her before he was "old". But did that really have to be brought up at the funeral?

I would be beyond angry if I went to a funeral and a pastor harped on homosexuality. I really would. Especially if a family member of the deceased (or the deceased) was gay. I understand that your brother wants to talk about this, but this isn't for her. It's for him. I can appreciate the "hugeness" of his willingness to share, but that doesn't mean that this is the right forum for it.

For what it's worth, it also makes me angry to hear a pastor say that the deceased isn't going to heaven. Let God be the judge and don't stand there and talk about it to his widow and grieving children. Say something nice about the guy and then shut up about the rest...but, I digress, sorry...

I wonder if your brother might be willing to talk about it at the graveside instead? Maybe after the pastor is done with his part, and your brother could ask people to stay. That way, he could identify people who would be appreciative of his comments and ask them in advance to come to the graveside and stay afterwards. Then you don't have to worry about the minister having self-serving comments...

Anyway, that's my opinion, though it's not what you may have wanted.

I'm still scratching my head and wondering at one aspect of this:

Why is coming out 'controversial' any more? Ultimately, its not really about a person's 'sexuality' inasmuch as it is about accepting people as a whole. Gay or straight.

I agree with giving a more well-rounded impression of your grandmother. Perhaps if a few others got up to share a moment in their lives when she helped, that would provide some community as well as a bit of a buffer.

As for the pastor- as everyone else has said, gently and firmly let him know what's what. It's a funeral for a beloved woman, not a Westboro Baptists protest. He should behave accordingly.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If your brother is concerned about how people will view him? He needs to keep his comments as neutral as possible.

"Grandma Elenore was the family patriarch. She met a lot of different things to a lot of people in this family. I share many happy memories of her. I love how she didn't judge and accepted people for who they were and loved them unconditionally."

He does NOT need to go into a diatribe about how he is gay and she didn't care. that's not the important part. The important part is she didn't judge and loved unconditionally.

He can talk about other memories of her too. it doesn't have to be just about his being gay.

You need to sit down with this pastor and lay it out for him. Let him know that this isn't a church service but a memorial for a person. If he starts preaching or talking about anything that isn't able your grandmother's obituary you will stand up and announce the service is over.

You need to take a stand for your brother. It's his mother too and this pastor has to understand that.