Meddling MIL

Dear A.-

The BEST sentence I ever learned for many situations like this is "Thank-you for sharing!"...followed by my sweetest smile...and a change of topic!

Best of luck!
Michele/cat

MY mother is the one who constantly gives unsolicited advice. Once in a while she's right - even if I don't want to admit it. Often times her information is based on how babies / children were raised in the 50's and 60's (I was an older mom and my kids are now teens). 1st - consider that she is doing this because she loves your child. 2nd - as another post said, smile and ignore. My mother has still not stopped giving us unsolicited advice. 3rd - acknowledge, to yourself, that some of the things she says may have an element of accuracy to them. My mom called me at work one day to tell me that Dr. Phil was going to talk about a sure-fire potty training method. I could not believe that she had the nerve to call me at work about this - but once I calmed down I thought, what the heck? I was able to be home in time for it and believe it or not, it worked like a charm and within a few days of my mom calling me my son was out of diapers.
Finally - realize that she is your husband's mother. We are supposed to honor our parents, even if they're annoying. It is really hard to do much of the time. But God will honor the fact that you're doing the right thing and it will teach your children to honor you. One day you will be a mother in law - our kids learn by what they see, not what they're told. We have to model approporiate behavior in handling difficult situations. My kids are watching me as I visit my mother in law in the nursing home (who is depressed and uncaring about others), as I care for my now elderly mother with ovarian cancer and I know that it will impact them in how they will one day treat me.
When your kids are young it's a very stressful time - so take a deep breath and deal kindly with this meddling woman - you will be blessed by doing so.

why not be polite & give her suggestions some common courtesy. Just because you & your husband feel complete, she may feel the need to share! When hit with her ideas, a simple little, "we'll think about that"....will go a long way to fostering & nurturing open communication between the generations!

I totally understand your disinterest in her thoughts. My gma drove me nuts when my children were young! From how to hold while feeding to not letting the child cry at all ( !!! what kid doesn't cry at any given time???) - - she was absolutely insane about sharing her opinions! She even cut out newpaper/magazine clippings to prove her point....& still does at age 89. What we've learned is to simply "let her have her say"....& do what we dang well please! No harm, no foul! Peace.

You know, once a mom, always mom. I don't think there's a turn off switch - anywhere. Unless the comments are outright mean, spiteful, rude, ignorant, you know what I mean, all she wants is to be included, she wants to be helpful, she's showing attention in her mind and for her generation in a constructive way. She raised the son that you married.

Imagine the flip, where she never said anything, never offered any advise, was never around to smile at or hug your grand children. Imagine being completely alone trying to figure and sort through it all.

I'm trying to look at this from both perspectives, but if I place myself in your MIL's shoes and I had lots of tried and trued parenting techniques, I would not be at all hurt if you did not incorporate every single or any of the ideas I shared. I would be hurt if you cut me off verbally though.

There is a lot of wisdom to be learned from our parents. It is meant to help and NOT hinder.

I think it depends on whether she is sharing with you, or directing her comments to the kids. I agree that what's essential is that you and your husband agree. The relationship is between him and her, primarily. If he ignores her, you can too. Acknowledge that she loves your children and wants the best for them, and try to admit that it's harder for you to view her comments as anything other than criticism. You're both women, and you didn't grow up with her and aren't as used to her style. Thank her for her suggestion and say that you and your husband will consider it, and you know that she respects you enough not to push it if you decide otherwise. I think that if you confront her and tell her to knock it off, it will create resentment and she will very likely blame YOU and not her son. That makes you the bad guy, and it's not a fun place to be.

If she is directing her comments to children old enough to understand what she's talking about (3-13 or so), then your husband has to tell her to stop. If I had teens, I would tell them to just ignore Grandma and that they know the rules of the house are set by you and Dad.

If MIL is doing this all the time and it's constant, and it's creating a huge rift, then your husband has to step in. If she's doing it in a really nasty way, that's different than just making a lot of conversation about the children. Can you shift the subject to other things, either about the kids or other subjects?

Ask her things that she can be relevant about that you can also stand to listen to. Ask her about family stories, recipes, traditions, etc. Get out the old photos and go over them. Maybe she just wants to be a part of your life and child-rearing is the subject she thinks she knows the most about. If you can get her to share on other topics where her memories are really important, it might shift the focus a bit.

Well my parents had issues with both of my grandmoms. We are a very close family and continued to be close BUT my dad said something to his MIL and his mom. He always backed up my mom. He said comments in a respectful way and they I think on one level had to understand were he was coming from.
I had issues with my MIL for years. She would imply I was not a good mom. I over disciplined and a bunch of hurtful comments. I never started anything with her but I did stick up for myself. My husband only stuck up for me one time with his mom. Normally I felt like he fed me to the dogs when it came to his mom. His mom was always right in his eyes..his standard response was..." she old she doesn't know better"
My advice to you is tell your husband you really need him to back you up no matter what. Also don't look fo strife but for peace. Tell how its going to be and be pleasant about it. She might just not feel needed anymore and she might want to feel needed by you and your husband??

Follow your husband's lead on this. She's trying to help. Confronting her would only hurt her feelings are strain your relationship. Just smile and listen. Who knows? One day she might say something you'll be glad to hear.

.

It might depend on how involved she is in child care.
If she's a sitter for you on a consistent basis, let her talk and listen objectively to see if there ARE any pearls of wisdom in her advice. She's got grown children and I'm assuming has done a pretty good job, right?
If she's not that involved on a day-to-day basis, just say "uh-huh" "Hmmmm" "maybe" and do what you want anyway! It's a free country so she can say what she wants but you can DO what YOU want!

Had the same issue and my MIL lives two doors down! I just listened and when it didn't jive with what I was planing to do about said issue etc., I would well that cool but I'm going to do X. And if X didn't work then I would try her's but I didn't tell her that until after because I didn't want to set the expatation that I needed her advise for raising our children. I know and understand how hard it is, but I keep in mind that I ask my girlfriends advise and she is not different, just older... It takes a village to raise a child and even though the villagers maybe not be on the same wave link as you they might have another look at something... Just a thought.

Ignoring is the most peaceful way as long as you can do that without resentment building. If not, I suggest just a polite response of "You know mom, I really appreciate your advice and I know you have our best intrest at heart; however Tom and I have different views on how we want to handle that. If we decide on a different approach, I'll get back to you." Or a blanket approach of "Mom, as well intended as you are, we really want to make our own way so if you don't mind please reserve the advice for when we ask".

It may not be received well so you want to make sure you are super nice and understanding if she gets upset.

Does your MIL help with babysitting? If she does then I could see how she has the inside scoop on the everyday details of your family. If she does not, then I would refrain from discussing any business that needs a decision made requiring the kids. Why not try to restict the conversation to something like the weather or how was your day MIL. Get her talking about something else other than the kids.
My brother also had this problem with his MIL. She would go so far as to say he was not a good father or that he leaves his wife and kids too much even though he was working. They decided they would not talk about the kids issues with her or in front of her to avoid her butting in.

why is it so important for you to confront her? is it completely impossible that she might just have something valuable to offer? and even if not, is it worth upsetting her (and your dh) in order to make your point?
if you absolutely must, i hope you do it an atmosphere of love. telling your MIL 'that's an interesting point, we'll give it some thought' will not force you to compromise the values you yearn to teach your kids, and will not cause that major rift in the family.
you might have to roll your eyes or bite your lip every now and then.
doing so subtly, then moving on with a smile, is also a family value.
khairete
S.

I am not sure that the specifics are irrelevent. Is there a mental disorder, a need for control, or is she just trying to help. Maybe ignoring is the best for this situation or maybe she does need to be confronted. It all depends upon what is a at the base of her advice. I guess that I have a meddling mother. My mother is controlling and likes to talk, she is not mal-intentioned, but the things she says hurt sometimes. Most of the time, I acknowledge and ignore it because I know she is just talking to talk, but once in a while she hits a zinger and I tell her "when you say X, it makes me feel X because X". It is not confrontational, but it lets her know how I feel. This is a relationship that will be in your life forever. Treat her with the same respect you treat your own mother and come to some resolution with your husband.
C.

your hubby is right-just ignore her-the more you do-the less she will meddle...if her advice is right on the money then listen-otherwise-dont respond-shell get tired of talking to herself.

I think that you husband needs to understand that this is causing you stress and support you. I don't think that you should be put in the position of saying anything to his mother -- he should. Yes, his mother's feelings might be hurt but she'll survive. And he doesn't have to be nasty. He can say any number of nice things to her such as, "Mom, I know you're only trying to help but...." or "Mom, you are a great mom and I hope you know that you're the first person we'll come to when we need help but..." I truly believe that he needs to put your feelings before hers right now (assuming that you're being fair and rational).

When you have a situation like this, it's hard because your not trying to offend anyone. I believe if it's the wife family intruding, then she should address her family and if it's the husband family, then he should address his own family. Ignoring isn't the solution, it only makes things worse. If a man and a woman can just be married with out interference from family members, then we would have less divorces. The vows never discuss the external people. Address the problem in a loving manner. Let them know how you feel. If this doesn't work, then sometimes a little distance does.

A., it is wonderful your husband is in line with you on raising your kids and I would politely share that with her.

If she says one thing I would just tell her how wonderful it is that the two of you (hubby and you) are on the same page about these things and move on.

So basically, ignore her, but if she pokes too hard, I would use that line on her or any of the other great lines below and not spend much time on it.

I hope she is not like my MIL who would have to ask what I meant, why I said it, bla bla.

Best wishes.

Scroll through the older posts and find the one authored by Vicki C it's called "advice for grandma", and there are great answers to the post. I'd print it out and give it to your mom in law, maybe put them in a card that lets her know you do care about her and then let her know that you really only want advice when you actually ask for it. Grandma's do crave for their kids to ask for advice, that's probably why this becomes an issue so often. You might just throw her a bone now and then to make her feel good. I still do that with my mom and my mother in law. It makes them feel good when you ask for their opinion or advice.

I had to tell both my mother and my MIL that it is mine and my SO's job to raise our son, and when we get stuck we will more then happily ask for help when it is needed; otherwise we (my SO and I) need to decide how to mold and shape our son on our own. When they try to change or push an issue a gentle remider that a decision has been made however we will keep thier advice in mind should we decide to go a dif direction in the future. Hopefully that helps.