MEAN Neighbors...need Advice

I would suggest calling the previous homeowners to get their take. Maybe there is just no pleasing them, or maybe they are the most wonderful people in the world and you just got off on the wrong foot.

Every thing they have accused you of is not true. I suggest being called gay is no big deal whether or not you're gay. My 15 yo is proud of being black and transgender. Her response is, "so what?"
She walks away. She's confident in who she is.

I suggest your answer can also be "so what?" Your sexual orientation is a non-issue. In the real/legal world sexual orientation is not important. I've been told I'm gay because of my profession and having female roommates. People can only hurt me if I agree to being hurt. BTW I'm straight. So what? I know my sexual orientation. It really doesn't matter what others call me.

I was raised in a very conservative religious family. Like you, at first, I felt defensive when someone labeled me as being anything I wasn't. Over the years, I gained confidence and learned that the only person who can judge me is me. When I know who I am, it doesn't matter whatever anyone else thinks.

I also saw people making such judgements as a way to start a fight. I suggest that ignoring their comments will cause them to back off. When you pay attention to them, fight them, you're giving them what they want. You are a good person no matter what anyone thinks. Remember your neighbors are strangers. I don't care what strangers think of me.

As a retired police officer, I tell you that the police will NOT get involved in a property line dispute. They may try to help neighbor's settle the issue. You moved your fence plans. You made an effort to get along. Apparently, getting along is not your neighbors goal.

Ignore them. Let things settle down. If you want, extend an olive branch a few months from now. Wave hi as you pass but don't get involved with a discussion of contentious issues. In a couple of months, perhaps take over some baked goods. See how they respond. If they bring up past issues, say something to the affect that you'd like to start over. If they respond with indifference or anger, just withdraw into focusing on your life without them.

I'm able to ignore negative people by feeling compassion for them. How miserable they must be to act this way. I am happy. I will not take on their misery!

Remember you do not need to defend yourself! Live your life as you choose. Don't let them make you unhappy. "The best defense is to live your life as you choose."

oh gads, what a nightmare. i'm not close or friendly with the neighbors on any side, but it's not this bad. and i get how it's starting to affect your quality of life.
but moving is a total last resort. i mean, you can't ever predict just how your neighbors will be, right? you could move to something even worse.
when we bought this place the sellers raved about the folks next door. they were super-close and adored each other. but we're so opposite from them (and most of our other neighbors) politically, ecologically, and socially. they love big noisy beer bashes, guns, yelling racial epithets in connection with obama, and toss trash and discarded auto parts (lots of them) into the woods. their yappy little dogs would bark under our window at 3am, piss all over my horses' hay and attack our old dog. when they caused my cat $100 in vet bills they finally put up a fence, but only after insisting i was making it up because their dogs would do no such thing.
we've been here for 15 years. none of us are planning to move, apparently.
i walked over one evening this summer after they had been out frantically trying to find their one (un-spayed perpetually running off) chihuahua to see if he'd made it home safely. i was so shocked at how surprised and nice they were that i'd (finally) made an effort. they talked my ear blue and sent me home with a huge bag of harry and david coffee.
we're still not close, and we still don't go to their loud angry beer bashes, and i still moan about the trees that came down to build their huge ugly garage and the awful dusk-to-dawn light. but i finally also know that they're pretty nice people on their own terms, if not my cup of tea.
i guess that's a long-winded way of saying maybe you can NOT associate with them on social media, laugh if they 'accuse' you of being gay (like that's a problem?), let them take pictures of the fence and call the sheriff, plant some trees between you and just be courteous or at the least neutral and let it blow over.
it might not. i know a chick in town who's been feuding bitterly with her neighbors, in and out of court, for years now. but she's the epitome of a drama queen.
most neighbor disputes can be dealt with through good fences, good screening and good manners.
i hope you guys find a reasonable place to land.
khairete
S.

The first time I had neighbors that I couldn't be friendly with, it really bothered me at first. But, we ended up living next to them for almost 10 years and it faded to where we didn't notice anymore. Like your situation, it started over a property line issue when we bought the house - they assumed the property line was over further, and they were upset when the survey we had done when we purchased the house showed that what they thought was their property was actually ours. The good news is that you just ignore this kind of stuff, and over time, you don't really notice anymore. We never became friends with those neighbors, but we lived our lives and enjoyed our house and our yard anyway. You can do it too - just don't engage them in any way.

Oh, and don't feel badly about the fencing building. As long as you followed your local ordinances about where you can put it, heck yes you should get yourself as much of your own yard to use as you can.

You don't mention this, but I'll throw it out there just in case. Do not speak badly of them or gossip to other neighbors about this. My neighborhood is a very friendly place, and it was clear when we moved in that others were friends with these people. We did everything we could to take the high road - respected the property line, never spoke badly of them, and never made other neighbors feel like they had to choose sides in our disagreement. And over time, even people who were close friends with the neighbor came to their own opinion that we were ok people, and we made many good friends.

My first thought is that this is a great opportunity to show your children how to demonstrate grace. Being "accused" of being gay is perhaps not the most helpful way to express things. Although I am married to my husband, I would not consider "accusing" someone of being gay. I would accuse someone of being a thief, or of cheating on a test, or of driving 90 mph on a 35 mph neighborhood street. You are pretty obviously heterosexual, as am I, but gay is not an accusation. Had your neighbors accused you of parking in their assigned space, or stealing their mail, well...we could have this conversation.

Your children may learn from you that gay - or another description - is an accusation, a crime, a violation. Yes, I believe in the biblical, traditional, monogamous, marriage but I still don't equate gay with crime or accusations. I implore you to teach your children that character matters, that politeness matters, that human decency matters, and that respect matters. You can still teach them that you believe in marriage as being between one man and one woman, and that's ok. But never use the word "accuse". You have the right to teach your children your values, as long as they encompass kindness. You can teach your children that to ridicule someone because of their preferences, race, disability, weight, style, origins, choices, ethnicity, political party, is cruel. You can teach them how to respond with mercy.

I think you're relying on your rights, rather than your responsibility. You're angry because you are thinking your rights were violated. Yes, they were - where your property lines and stakes were concerned. No, they were not, when you were accused of being something that you do not consider yourself to be. So protect your rights on indisputable property lines, and enact your responsibilities when you have been insulted or treated with disrespect or when you perceive an injustice. Your responsibility is to respond with kindness.

Now, as for property lines and surveys - that's a black and white issue. If your neighbors are disputing property lines which are legal and clear, then that's a totally different matter. You can say, truthfully, that your neighbors are fighting over non-disputable property issues. If you purchased the home, your title should be clear and the property lines should be defined. Rely on the authorities to resolve this.

We had rude neighbors. My daughter is seriously ill and they accused us of making up her medical problems and of lying about her diagnoses, and they said that because we were of different races, when we sent their son home because he was taunting my daughter and because he refused to stop cursing in our home and because he thought it was funny to try to spit into a soda can in our living room after being asked to stop (which he mostly missed, and the result was spit all over everywhere), they said we were racist bigots. We defended their obvious statements. I explained to the mom that my daughter's illnesses were not visible, but real. But I could not argue with their stupidity - that insisting on good manners and on not allowing spitting on our floors and walls meant that we were racist bigots - so I let that go. I knew it was not true. He had been welcome in our home, and knew our simple rules (basic politeness). All the other kids were telling him how gross his behavior was. But he had no rules at home, and no amount of encouragement or strict enforcement from me could undo what he had learned.

So I encourage you to defend what is defensible - property lines, theft, clear enforceable rules. If your neighbors taunt you with what you consider objectionable, demonstrate to your children how to be merciful and gracious under pressure. During their lives, they'll be called lots of things: some will hurt more than others. If you are called something that you object to, whatever it is, show your children how to respond with kindness and self-reliance. And show them how to defend themselves against the defensible - property lines, etc - and how to smile and live in peace. I suggest that you make those neighbors some cookies.

There are crazy people in this world and some of them own property.
I would NOT go out of my way to be friendly - to some - especially someone who's trying to force their way down your throat - that would be a sign of weakness - and they would take that as permission to push harder.
Boundaries - firm boundaries - are needed - and need to be enforced.
Get this - and read it - it's one of the greatest books ever written (no home owner should be without a copy):
http://www.amazon.com/Neighbor-Law-Fences-Trees-Boundarie...

Your fence is all on your property - they can not do anything to the side of it facing them - no painting it, no using it as a trellis, etc - and you are entitled to go over and maintain that side (power wash it periodically, etc) when you need to.

Her asking about your sexual preferences is out of line.
You can ignore it or tell her "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you might be looking for a girlfriend and I'm flattered but no, I'm not interested, I don't swing that way and good luck in finding that special someone.".

It's only been 5 months.
Give it some time.
You may or may not want to move eventually - but the next set of neighbors could be worse.

I'm sorry they are being so rude to you. That is an awful situation. You definitely should NOT try to resolve it through Facebook, where people can't tell tone of voice and an innocent comment can sound harsh on the other end. If you want to do something about it, you need to sit down with them face to face and have a real conversation.

Rather than starting the conversation with "you're always very rude to us" or any other accusation toward their behavior, try starting it like this: "I've noticed some of the things we've done since moving in have bothered you and I'm sorry. Is there something we can do to be better neighbors?"

Please don't take that to mean that I think, from your post, that you have done anything wrong. I do not mean to say that you are the bad neighbors. However, whether you realize it or not, something you did pissed them off and they are holding it against you. By taking the high road from the beginning of the conversation, you are more likely to have an open, honest discussion. Putting them on the defensive from the beginning will backfire.

Make sure they know that your goal is to be peaceful neighbors to each other (both parties). You don't have to be friends. Just don't do anything in writing - Facebook, texts, emails etc are never effective in resolving this sort of conflict.

There's an absolutely beautiful response from Elena B - please read it 3 times. That will help you calm down. I agree 100% about the "accused me of being gay" thing - this is not an accusation that you defend against. Since there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian, you cannot respond to that. (What difference does it make what they think?)

Kaseyirv also had some great comments and advice - read hers again too. Other good suggestions from others as well.

We have a neighbor like this. Strange outbursts, shouting, then periods of calm, then some outrageous statement like "Your son keeps throwing his toys into our yard." They have trash in the lightly wooded area between our houses (on our property), and we would periodically clean it up and place it in stacks on their property - their kids' toys, full beer cans, bike helmets, tools, etc. I used to say 'hi' when passing but the wife would go ballistic, so now I just act like she is invisible. I believe she is mentally ill, and I have mustered enough pity for her to not get upset anymore.

You don't friend people like this on Facebook, and you don't take your arguments back to Facebook - no messages, no posts about your terrible neighbors, nothing. You block them so they can't contact you or see what your friends say, and you forget about them.

Your fence is fine, you had the land surveyed, don't worry about the sheriff. Just take a photo now and then, keep track of any communications you receive but DO NOT respond, and keep a journal only if you can keep from getting upset and obsessive over this. Tuck it into a file and don't look at it every day or even every week. They'll probably move on to some other obsession if they stop getting a reaction from you. That's what happened with our neighbor.

And yes, teach your children how to act when others are mean. You don't get sucked into their nonsense, you don't crawl into the tunnel of darkness with them. You don't talk about how absurd or mentally ill they are - because a) it lowers you to their level of name calling and b) it makes it possible that your children may inadvertently say to someone else, "My mom says Mrs. X is mental." You just tell the kids that Mrs. X can't help herself but it has nothing to do with you or them. You hold your heads high and you stop letting people who are crazy (or mean or hurting or paranoid or...) affect how you get through your day. You cannot control them and believe me, the sheriff doesn't want to be coming out to settle neighborhood disputes. You act polite but distant, and you let your children see you living your life. Try to find someone who needs you and who fulfills you - surely there is someone needy in your town who would love to be helped. Do a neighborhood collection for the food pantry or collect old sheets/towels for the animal shelter - anything.

So, if these people have issues, all you can do is stop your subscription to them!

Yeah, we had some pretty awful neighbors several years ago. All you can do is follow the law, try to ignore them and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Even a journal is something to submit in case they try to accuse you of anything.
Also photograph everything.
Good luck, ours finally moved to a retirement community :-(

Love Marda's advice - must remember that, "I'm able to ignore negative people by feeling compassion for them. How miserable they must be to act this way. I am happy. I will not take on their misery!"

We have funny neighbors - not anywhere near as bad as that, but I think she was pretty malicious from what I've been told by others. When we met them, they first told us a long list of complaints they'd had with previous neighbors, none of which sounded at all like issues to me. Very negative. Within weeks I had inadvertently pissed them off. I had kept a healthy distance but been pleasant - not wanting a situation to arise, knowing they would be looking for one. Didn't matter. It still happened.

As Marda said, it's about them - not you. They were like this - kind of antagonistic towards neighbors - right from the start when they complained about their previous ones. So this is their deal. It's unfortunate but as they say, not part of our life.

Personally, I wouldn't deal with them on Facebook. We never took baked goods over but perhaps we should have.

Good luck :)

Stay off Facebook with this person. Do not engage. Just ignore her and the rest of them. You have your fence, be glad. Its done. You won't have to deal with them regarding that anymore. I don't know what else is going on but to me this isn't enough to move.

Honestly, take a deep breath and power through this. Just keep doing your thing and don't worry about them. Make sure you are familiar with all the rules of your neighborhood and you should do fine. Again, don't engage with them.

You have your fence.
Now live your lives and ignore, ignore, ignore!

Just an FYI before you buy a house you can get a police report for that address, it's only like $5. You can see what kind of activity there is in the neighborhood also if you call the local PD. I don't know what you can do now that you are moved in but I would not have any other contact and would block her on FB. Hopefully once the fence is up the kids can play freely in the backyard without any issues from them. Just try to keep your distance and if there are issues, document it for sure. Good luck.

You have gotten some great advice below. I want to add: Please do not let these neighbors start making you feel you should sell the house you saw as such a blessing! Your kids do not need the upheaval of moving again--but I think you already know that, and your comment about selling was a vent rather than a real idea (at least I hope that's the case). Re-read Marda's excellent advice.

I won't get into other advice since others did it so well, but I would add that you should absolutely and immediately block these people from seeing your FB page, and even after you block them I'd take care never to post anything about them or this property dispute--nothing, ever. If you want to vent about it to relatives or friends, do so via e-mails or on the phone. I've known people who found out that FB posts about problems ended up getting back to people they had blocked from seeing their account and they were never sure how it happened -- but it did. Because there's property involved, and property law, just never put any complaints out there where anyone could locate it later, even much later.

Meanwhile, I might not ever stretch to taking over baked goods (they'll probably say "We're allergic to that" or whatever), but I would be certain always to smile and wave when you see them as you're going to your car and they're also outside, etc. Always be on the way somewhere so you can't be caught to talk, but at the same time, consistently acknowledge their presence so they can never say, "She just blows past us and never even turns our way or acknowledges we're in the yard" etc. Do it because it makes you the bigger person (even if they turn away and refuse to acknowledge YOU) and also because it means it's clear that you are comfortable in your own home and on your own property and aren't going anywhere.

I find it interesting that you included she asked if you were gay which really has nothing to do with the issue at hand. Of course everyone grabbed onto that and I suppose because they have never had a property line dispute before.

All of this in a nutshell was you moved next to someone who either at this house or another was in a property line dispute. And you did just about everything to make them think their fears about you were valid. Not really your fault, you are just ignorant of property laws, most people are, until you have to fight a neighbor over a few inches of land.

You have your fence in, it is on your property, the worst is actually behind you so let it go and move on. They know it is on your land they will start to relax because that is all they really wanted. Then in the spring just move on like none of this ever happened.

Added - I like what Amy J says - just want to add that you shouldn't be the one who sends the legal document to them. Have your real estate lawyer do it. That adds weight and shows them that you mean business for your property. And they can't accuse you of harassment - a lawyer doing the work is totally legal.

Original:
You really need to block them and any of their family from facebook so that they cannot find you on there and say ugly things about you in front of your friends.

Ignore them calling the sherriff. You will not get in trouble for anything because you aren't doing anything wrong. If you have a homeowner's association, or if there are rules for your neighborhood in regards to your land and putting up a fence, make SURE that you go by those rules. I had a neighbor who started putting up a chain link fence, and that was against the rules. Every single family in the cul-de-sac walked outside almost at the same time, looking at those poles. Holy cow. One neighbor said to us all "Wait, I have the paperwork handy - wait for me and we'll all go together" and she got the papers that showed the rules. Together we rang the doorbell and we told them that they could not have the chain link fence built. They pretended that it was up to the fence company. We explained that the fence guy only cares that they pay him and he won't have to pay their lawyer fees and he won't have to pay to take down the fence and build a new one.

So, the neighbor realized that he was going to have to pay more money for a wooden fence that went by the rules, and he had the fence guy build it right.

As far as peace is concerned, stay away from these people. Don't talk to them, don't ask them what is wrong. You SHOULD make absolutely sure that you talk to your real estate lawyer who you worked with and find out your rights. If you don't, you could be in a bad situation with an easement or them taking your land rights away from you. Just because they say those survey stakes are theirs, doesn't mean that they are right. You need to know exactly what is yours and your lawyer can write them a letter stating it. That way you have your property rights on record. You will need that if you go to try to sell the house later. You can also show the sherriff the letter from your lawyer. And by the way, I believe that it is illegal to pull up survey stakes. Double check that with your lawyer as well... I will add here, because I think it's important to, that sometimes people try to bully land use out of their neighbors in order to establish a legal precedent. Go by what your REAL ESTATE LAWYER says. He knows the law in your jurisdiction. Don't try to just "get along" for the sake of being neighborly. They may end up with some of your property. You also need to make sure that you are paying your property taxes in full and making sure that they aren't paying for any of them. Sometimes people pay others' property taxes in order to take their property away.

I know that sounds bizarre, but it does happen.

Wow. That sounds awful.

Could you be the 'bigger person' and see if you can work with her?

Is she upset you are putting a fence up? I have heard some people complain that their meadow like atmosphere is being ruined by a neighbor's fence. Not that you need to cave just to please her. I'm just trying to figure out why she is being mean.

Know your rights, and use them. If they're not going to be friendly, then don't try to be friends. Get in writing where the property line is compared to where your fence ought to be and tell them that your fence is on your side, there is no further discussion. Make it a tall privacy fence. Block her on FB and DO NOT send her a message inviting more contact. Then refuse to answer any personal questions and cease any unnecessary contact with them. Document everything if you need to call the cops back for harassment. Did the sheriff say anything to you about the worker being on their property? You need to be very professional, documented and firm when dealing with them. Being or not being gay has nothing to do with a fence. They're just reaching for something to rattle you with. Take the emotion out of it.

My yard is ringed with trees mostly at the property line. Some former owner used to get mad at a neighbor and plant a tree. From the looks of it, he hated everyone at some point. I'd just stop having anything to do with those neighbors and I bet you are not the only target. Find other people to be friendly with.

Make them a loaf of banana bread and go from there.

I have had neighbors like this. If they do not get anywhere with a property line issue, they will try something else. Do not engage with them at all. EVER. They look for things to pick on. I had a tenant that swore I only sat outside to watch what her kids and their friends were doing. She looked for anything she could. When that did not work, she tried to be nice and turn the tables another way. Right now we have some kids in the neighborhood that for some reason do not like my youngest. They look for anything to complain about. It just is not worth the trouble. I keep my kids away from them. Be respectful and helpful in an emergency and that is it.

kayseyirv gave some great advice. Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes people get off to a bad start and become friends. I can think of a couple of my good friends where this was the case. Both situations were caused by misreading the other. Hang in there. I agree with telling them that you're sorry you guys got off to a bad start and you'd like to make it better. Not sure how anyone could find fault with that. Good luck.

The fact that she's accusing you of being gay on and off of facebook shows they have serious psychotic issues well beyond rude neighbor territory. Sounds like they don't want any neighbors and they're super creepy people.

So yup, document EVERYTHING. Jot down those harassing comments to include in your discussion over property with cops. They may or may not make a note. Have a copy of your document proving your fence is on your side sent to them in mail and do NOT engage.

Sounds like you have to permanently ignore them which is a real pain. See how it goes. If you are minding your own business and they yell at you or do anything like that report it. Do NOT send her a note.

Try to relax and ignore. You can always sell the house any time.

Welcome to mamapedia!

WHY are you playing her game? IGNORE HER!! You are playing into her "fear tactics" ENOUGH!! You are a W. - stand up straight and deal with your life. If she says you are a lesbian? LAUGH. Don't get upset. That's what bullies want. FEAR. DO NOT FEAR her. She is a pathetic person. Just know that.

Fences make the best neighbors. You have your fence. It's NOW your greatest neighbor. If you feel threatened? Call the police....

Fences are boundaries. Remind your children NOT to go beyond the fence. Live your life. IGNORE them.

You don't know what sort of relationship they had with the previous owners. They could have been put through hell. Have the surveyors come back out and go knock on the door of the neighbors and ask them if they'd like to come out and hear what the officials have to say. That way there isn't any question about who owns what.

Talk to them from your own yard. Let them know that if you're straight, gay, bi, or don't like sex at all it is none of their business. If there is someone interested in you, you just aren't interested.

Tell the workers that come to your house that the neighbors are likely to call the police on them so if they have any warrants they need to decline the job you're offering them.

Get that fence up then plant thick shrubs along it so that they muffle any noise and keep any prying eyes out of your business. I'd make sure the tree tops or the fence make SURE there are no venues for them to spy on you either.

I feel bad for you. I would hate to live like this.

If you pray, ask God to bless these home owners with the best job possible, that the job would be in another state or country...lol...or that you and your family could find an amazing job offer where you'd be able to move and have a plentiful life.

There are ways to combat this from your own front porch and inside your walls. Question the other neighbors. Ask them, politely how long they've lived in the neighborhood, how do they like it, what made them pick this area,....blah blah blah, then lead up to asking about various neighbors. Are there community events, block parties in the summer, does anyone have any issues with others that you need to be aware of, etc...don't ask point blank "what's up with my neighbors" but do try and find out if they have been offended by something you've done. It might be the slightest thing and it might have nothing to do with you at all but if it's them and not you, you have something to bond you to your new home that is a happy event, new friends.