Mean Girls on the Block

L.
Keep the communication open with your daughter. Let the girls in the neighborhood see that you are there watching.Perhaps you could engage in conversations with the girls and they would see you as a friend, not someone who has a daughter they can manipulate. If you plan to stay in this neighborhood, it would be best for you to get to know them, rather than ignore them. As for your daughter, I gave the same advise to my son...to ignore the mean boys & girls. I wish I would have invited them over to our house instead. My son is still being used in situations. Remember the commercial..."Let's get Mikey...?" Unfortuneately my son wants to fit in so bad, he keeps getting involved. He ends up hurt because even though he does things for the attention, they don't include him in their circle of friends,just their mind games. The hardest part is that when you work full time, it is difficult to be involved enough to see what really goes on. My son also went to before and after school care and summer programs. He is now too old to attend these and he still has to go out of the neighborhood to make friends. Good Luck! K. B

L.,

Having raised one daughter and having another one (4) I can tell you that girls will typically behave in this manner. However, if you can separate the 'pack', you might meet a very nice little girl or two.

Why not encourage your daughter to invite one neighbor friend over and let them interact under your supervision just one-on-one. And then try another one a few days later, etc. This way you won't be alienating your daughter from the neighbor girls and they will not (at least in my experience) exhibit the unpleasant behavior without their fellow conspirators.

Getting into older girl drama will likely be unavoidable, she will find their dramas quite interesting -- if you want your daughter to have neighbor friends; I guess the question is how harmful is it, really?

I know a lot of Moms won't agree, but I believe in allowing my children to experience these kinds of cliques and work their way through, this is how we learn to adapt and interact in life as we grow up. That being said however, with your daughter being the youngest of course a touch of protectiveness is called for.

I was a single Mom with my oldest and it's difficult sometimes because you don't have another opinion to call upon, and sometimes we can tend to be overprotective - but you know what's best for your daughter.

:-) good luck to you,

W.

My personal opinion....don't let her associate with the girls in the neighborhood. You are right to be turned off by the cat fighting and it is also wise to express your distaste for this behavior to your daughter. Tell her that if those are the only kinds of people around then it is better to not have friends. Tell her that she will have lots of much better, sweeter friends at school.

When the other girls try to suck her into their cat fights and games, then I would address them very politely. Just tell them you daughter is too young to play with them and you really don't want her playing games where she fights with other girls. Tell them if they want to hang-out on the street in front of your house to be some place where everyone is nice and just has fun, then that's fine with you, but the first time someone gets in a spat they are going to have to go home.

You are the parent and you have to set the example in word and deed. It is a serious thing what these girls are doing and someone needs to put their foot down.

Good luck!!!

My daughter is 13 years old and she babysits for children 8 years old! Unless a jr. high girl is playing hopscotch or jump rope in front of your home, you are absolutely right to have your radar up and be concerned about your daughter playing with them. If this stuff is going on now - it's not going to make your summer any easier. I've lived these summers! Having play dates with others in the neighborhood or from her school, helps. As a parent, know all the kids names on the block- be a presence. If your daughter does associate with them, have it be for short periods of time in front of your home or in your yard until you are more comfortable. Make sure she knows your rules about "gossiping, taking sides, leaving others out of the group, bullying" - they are good life lessons for her to learn. I have found that "girl drama" is much harder to deal with than "boy drama". It can get mean. Hopefully, this will pass soon. Or...as my sister once said to me "People DO move!" and just one kid moving can change the dynamics of the group. Good luck.

I know your new and its hard but did you mention what these girls are doing to there mothers, they probably dont know and cant correct it. I would want to know if my daughter was doing this. Find a way to meet there moms and express what you have watched. Hope this helps.
Pattie

Wow! As you have quickly picked up, neighborhood constitutions can be disfunctional. Especially girls. What I would suggest is role modeling some through you home and your daughter. While you can't control the other girls and going to their parents can sometimes make it worse, you can have the girls over to your home. This way you can be seen watching their sneaky ways and it will protect your daughter some. They will learn that you won't tolerate this. Before having them over you can prep your daughter for situations she may experience. Some girls may actually just leave when they feel they can't handle acting right. Others will flourish in the positve atmosphere. This is far from a perfect solution, but can keep your daughter fom feeling isolated. Hope this helps!
Take Care,
M.

Hi L., This is an opportunity for you to teach, I'm not sure how it has happened but it seems that girls are really meaner these days than ever before. I personally would find "things" to do with your daughter that cut right into the hour of the evening that keeps her busy with you. A quick run to the store, drive the long way, a visit to one of your friends homes to enjoy the evening, limits her time to interact until you get a good feel of what is going on with these kids. When you do let her play with them I would observe from a distance and talk to her right after. Good luck.

First, let me say, I made the same mistake with my children, "overly protective", and believe me, when they got old enough they certainly let me know that they didn't like it.
Let your daughter pick her friends, let her go through her own "lumps and bumps", just like you did. As long as no one is getting physcially hurt, be supportive of her decisions and keep the communication open with her, then you will know what's going on and be able to give her your wisdom.
God Bless you.
cb

Ugh! I feel your pain. Girls can be so mean. Why not check out the local Park District and see what kind of summer camp, programs you can enroll your daughter in. I'd also call her friends from school and arrange playdates so she can play with kids her own age.

I agree that she shouldn't get involved in this little gang war.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Hi L.-
Your daughter is too young to be hanging out with Middle Schoolers, even if they are nice. When my 12 year old went off to 6th grade this year, she was shocked and appalled at the language and inappropriate behavior she witnessed on the bus and at school, but she was old enough to deal with it. 2nd graders are not supposed to hear the kind of language I'm sure those "mean girls" are using.

It has nothing to do with being over protective. She is too young. In a few years, she will handle more, but this kind of situation is the reason kids are growing up so fast. Keep her young and her activities age-appropriate. Her innocence will vanish all too soon.

If she were in middle school, you still wouldn't want her to hang out with the mean girls, but she would be old enough to make those kind of decisions.

Definitely get to know the Moms in the neighborhood, talk to them about your concerns "in general", and invite over the girls that are close in age to your daughter, individually. Who knows, maybe some of the younger ones would LOVE to get out of that group, but wanted to belong.

Good luck, and keep your presence known out in the neighborhood.

L.,
i think that you are doing the right thing by supervising your daugther in not getting involved with something that definitely has nothing to do with her or your family in the first place.
I think that you should continue to do what you have been already teaching your girl to learn is.... That whatever is going on was there before you moved on the block. My question is....do the parents of the kids know what is going on between the children! Because if the parents know maybe this is a situation that the parents have with each other and are using their children to keep confusion going because one parent dont like the other.

My advice is to watch and see how the parents of the kids react to this obivous feud. If the parents dont get involve and it contiunes to worry you then i think writing the parents of the kids a letter (unknown) and mail it to them.
Since they also live on the block the address is easy to get bringing this matter to their attention.

In the meantime keep your daugther away from the messy kids so your family can have peace in your new home.

HI L.,

Would it help the situation any if you spoke to parents of these girls? If this doesn't help, maybe try & get your daghter involved in activities w/some of her "nicer" friends from school, that way she can have them over for "playdates" & avoid the other girls on the block who aren't such a good influence. Good luck. K. L.

I can't necessarily give you any solid advice... but i wanted you to know...

you're not alone, and this is only the beginning.

I have a personal battle with myself on this subject far too often. I really dislike my 10 yr olds "BFF" - she's a trouble maker and was mean to my daughter at first... calling her names, making fun of her and now suddenly they're the best of friends and she's nice now. I don't understand the dynamics of their friendships right now... and I was a young girl once... you'd think i have a better understanding.

My other daughter is having issues with an 8th grader on her bus. she's in 6th grade. She feels threatened by this girl and she sounds like a 'mean girl' - she's pretty, lots of boyfriends, but really an ugly person on the inside.

I don't know how to advise you, as the corrpution will continue and each scenario will be unique. It's easy for me to suggest telling your daughter to stay away from them, ignore them, etc. but the reality is, she's going to be outside playing and kids don't know how to really ignore things. they want playmates... they want to be liked by older girls and will let themselves be taken advantage of.

Keep an eye on her while she's outside... maybe take her to a nearby park to meet new people, and stay in touch with her about what these girls are doing and saying. I think it's important that you're not turning a blind eye to it. keep doing what you're doing to show her a better path... it's hard work being a parent, and you are doubly overloaded being single (though sometimes I think single parenting (and yes, i've been there) can be easier becasue at least you always agree on HOW to parent :) - especially when the other parent is a big kid himself... it's like having one less kid to take care of! LOL!)

Good luck to you...

~J.~

Rough situation but you may have to speak to the older girls. If they have a descent bone in their bodies, they'll leave yours alone. If not, the police may need a call to ease the situation with the other parents and the girls. At least they will have on record that these girls could be a problem.