I need some advice on how to help my 6 year old daughter with a friend problem. This little girl (we will call her "Susie") is not in the same Kindergarten class but has the same recess and is also close friends with my daughter's 2 closest friends. The little girl is often mean to my daughter. My gal is a people-pleaser- she is very charismatic and loving. She saw Susie crying on a bench over the course of several days at recess and tried to cheer her up. She came home and decided to make a gift basket for Susie because she was always so sad, so she made her some bracelets and necklaces and baked her cookies. Unfortunately, my daughter must rub Susie the wrong way because she will say things like "leave me alone" if my daughter goes up to her at recess. She runs away if my daughter tries to talk to her.She has played with her a few times but often will not. My daughter said today, "It's like Susie only has this much love for me but has a lot of love for Kara and Kenzie". We have talked maybe 6 or 7 times now about how we can't make everyone like us, and what true friendship is and maybe Susie is not a true friend, and how you can't buy friendship with gifts and maybe it would be better to make other friends and stop trying with Susie... but none of these talks are helping. My daughter just keeps saying things like "Maybe I just haven't found the gift she really likes. I know! I will buy her a candy bar..." or "Mom, she IS a true friend, because she doesn't have any problems with the other girls. I think the problem is me". Ugh, it just kills me. I know Kindergarten will be over soon, and we probably won't ever see this girl again as we plan to move in the summer, but this is just the beginning of the cattiness that tends to go along with girls and friendships.
So: wise moms everywhere, please send me some advice. How can I help my little girl? What can I say?
Explain that she is going to meet lots of new people in her life. Some are friends and some are acquaintances. Explain the difference.
Stop helping her bake cookies and making gift baskets!
Newsflash: You don't have to look far to see that the cattiness never ends and some people never grow up. Best that she learns to be discerning!
For starters, you child doesn't purchase or bake the items she's giving to Susie! You are the ENABLER---Stop it.
Tell your child, you can't buy love or friendship, she's not the problem if Susie wants to be friends, let her come to you.
Blessings...
My heart goes out to your daughter. That's SO much like my 7 year old. I would tell your baby girl that WE love everyone, but not everyone else loves everyone. Tell her to continue to lead by example. Instead of trying to be friends with someone who doesn't like her, ask her if there's one kid that SHE doesn't necessarily like. Ask why. Then tell her to try being super nice to THAT kid... I bet she gets positive feedback from that student and a brand new friend :)
Where has she learned the "people pleasing" behavior from? Children learn through modeling so it is important to really look to see where she is seeing a similar behavior in the adults around her.
When she says she thinks the problem is her, ask her how the problem is her. It is important to be curious about her thought process. Find out how she is coming to the conclusions that she is doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with her. Also, expand her view. Ask her to look around and see if all people in the world are friends with all other people. You can acknowledge that it sure would be a better world if we all were friends however right now it isn't like that.
Also, while you are talking to her about what a good friend is, you can introduce her to boundaries. You can support her in understanding that sometimes being a friend means you listen really carefully to what the other person needs and you give that to them. For example, if the other girl asks to be left alone that is what she really needs and a good friend listens and does that for them. Your daughter is giving gifts to make herself feel better, not to help the other child feel better (another thing to look for in the adults around your daughter). A great tool that we can give our children is to respect other peoples needs even when we don't always agree.
This is also a great place to start teaching empathy. You can help your daughter identify what the other girl may be feeling, why she might be feeling it, and how to be respectful of her feelings by allowing her to just feel sad rather than trying to fix or change how the girl is feeling.
The same holds true for your daughter. She is trying to run away from the feeling of discomfort and rejection she feels when someone won't be her friend. Support her by allowing her to express the feelings appropriately rather than trying to change the event that is creating her feelings. Her feelings will pass if she has the space to feel them. Then she will be able to come up with her own solutions to the issues she is having.
She is encountering this now.
She will encounter it later.
There are lots of kids, like Susie.
As you are, teach her how to 'discern' people. Not just friends... but People.
Nice people, do not manipulate you.
Nor use you as a door-mat.
Nor, Bully you.
Nor be mean to you.
Teach her, that you cannot "please" all people. Some people will NEVER EVER be, pleased.
And yes, do not help her make those gifts.
Just stop.
But encourage your daughter to keep telling you her feelings... so that you can gauge what is going on and what is happening everyday.
Or you talk to the Teacher.
ALL of my Daughter's Teachers, TALKS to the entire class, about behavior and what is nice and mean and not allowed. They learn this, in addition to academics. My Daughter's Teachers, have always been glad, if/when I mention things like this going on. And they also speak to the instigating child, too.
Sure, it is childhood. But at this young age, they need to learn this, now.
Teach your girl, to have self-reliance and to be herself... not what others want her to be. And to KNOW... when someone is being mean to her.
Which Susie is.
She is being manipulated, because Susie knows how to manipulate her.
My Daughter is a real kind girl too. But from 2 years old, in age appropriate ways and per her understanding, I have taught her about kids/their attitudes/their intentions etc., and how SHE.... is the one that CHOOSES friends. Not the other way around. She is now 8, and can articulately "discern" other kids. Wisely.
She does not give herself, away, to other kids that are mean or shallow or Bullies or unappreciative.
When/if she wants to give a friend something, I tell her "THINK about it. WHY do you want to do this? IS this a good friend who RECIPROCATES equally?" If not, then it is a waste of time and money and of your heart.
My daughter, understands. She knows, which kids are greedy or mean and not a friend to be friends with.
Your Daughter is not rubbing Susie the wrong way. Susie is just being a jerk.
All throughout life, some people are just rubbed the wrong way... because it is THEM.
Don't force a friendship. Don't be friends with someone who does not want to be friends with you.
There are MANY other people, to be friends with.
Developing HEALTHY relationships. With friends that RECIPROCATE and care, too.
When one asks a questions, there is either a "yes" or "no" answer. Each person is permitted either answer. Your daughter has asked. Its been answered. Feelings hurt, probably, but that's really the way it is. Your daughter is continuing to ask, but the answer has been given.
In an adult context, we are not friends with everyone. If someone continued to give presents and go out of there way to be friends when there was little interest, Whoa, too much.
Help her with the hurt of rejection, do not help her please others.
You can help her by not discussing this so much. That is giving it too much importance.
It's been discussed enough. If she says those things again, tell her:
First, she can't "buy" people's friendship. Second, even at her age she needs to learn that everyone is not going to be her friend, and everyone doesn't HAVE to be her friend. To call a little girl "catty" because she doesn't choose to be your daughter's friend is just contributing to your daughter's refusal to let this go and find friends who DO like her.
Your daughter is trying too hard. She needs to let go. Tell her to go play with the other girls who DO like her, and stop worrying about whether Susie is her friend or not.
Suzie is allowed to like Kara and Kenzie more. So make the next conversation short and sweet: "Honey, we've discussed this enough. If Suzie doesn't want to be your friend you are just going to have to play with the girls who ARE your friend." Kiss, hug. End of discussion.
Look for a book called "My Secret Bully" - I can't remember the author. The child's situation in the book doesn't precisely mirror the one your daughter is in, but if your daughter is the kind of person who tends to take on the responsibility for other people's feelings and bad behavior, this book is a good one to read with her. It's about a child whose so-called "friend" starts being really nasty to him, and his conflicted feelings on what to do, and how a caring adult helps him sort things out. The child in the book ends the friendship. The message is that if a person isn't acting like your friend, then he or she is NOT your friend, regardless of the claims the person makes in words, and regardless of whether you wish it otherwise.
Maybe the "mean girl" just doesn't know how to handle someone being a friendly as your daughter is. Some people really prefer to be left alone when something is bothering them. It is great that your daughter is compassionate but she has reached out to her multiple times and now you have to teach her to back off. Tell her that it sounds like Susie just needs work through her sadness on her own.
