May Have Hurt Daughter

Hey J.,

There's not a lot of detail about the confrontation you had with your daughter. However, I would guess that this daughter is a first-time mom (?) and is probably all over the place with hormones and emotions. Most first-time moms can feel really possessive of their babies. We become more relaxed when number 2 comes along.

I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is to apologize to your daughter (which it sounds like you've already done) and then just accept her terms. You'll get farther in the long run if you just focus on supporting whatever she wants in terms of your relationship with the baby then if you try to argue with her.

This is really tough, but the more detached you can feel about the whole thing, the better off you'll be. By "detached," I don't mean "unloving" or "unconcerned." I just mean that the more you can try to not take your daughter's words or opinions personally, the better your relationship with your daughter will be.

She'll soon discover that parenting is not so easy and (I hope) come to realize what you went through as a mother of 3.

Dear J.,
Iam 38 I have two children when i had my first child.He was my husbands family's first grandchild. I was very guilty of letting my inlaws come first with him and leaving my family out.. My mother and Father both have passed now and I feel very bad because now that they are gone my inlaws dont have to try to do better then my parents and they act like my children dont even exist.. It really hurts. and I have a lot of regrets so I hope your daughter doesnt do that to you. Im sure if you talk to her she will be understanding and that your feelings was hurt... It doesnt matter if it is your first or your sixed grand child they are all important and exciting..

J.,

If your daughter is anything like me, she'll open the e-mail you told her not to. If she's anything like me, she'll forgive you eventually. Just give her some space. You have already sent her another e-mail trying to repair things so she knows you regret having written the first one.

About the previous confrontation; I don't know the details to give any advice. Only this: the coming of a new child is time for joy, a child benefits from the love and care of all family members. Be there for your daughter and your new grandchild, be loving, the rest will fall.

Your daughter might also regret the things she told you the same way you regret to have written the message you sent her. Do not allow the confrontation to escalate.

M..

I would say that the best advice is to be VERY transparent with your daughter. I think the email to tell her to delete wasn't the best idea. If she still hasn't read it yet, call her. Apologize first and then explain that you sent an email that was very emotionally based and may have been worded differently than you intended and ask her not to read it. You don't need to apologize for being hurt that's how you feel and you have a right to those feelings. Keep in mind that with your daughters pregnancy she may not be being as reasonable as she once was. If you really want to you can ask her to define "share". Be sure to only do this when BOTH of you are calm and being very rational and not emotional. This may be a conversation that needs to be taken care of a bit at at time to try to keep the emotions down. Please DON'T deal with any part of this or any other touchy subject by email or text message. Phone is fine.

Congrats on the new grandbaby!

Hi--I really appreciate your question. I have taught grandparenting classes and want to tell you that many of us parents say hurtful things in a variety of circumstances, and that you are not alone. No one is perfect.
The thing to do is to be honest. Take a deep breath and call her on the phone or send her an email if that is easier for her and just suck it up and say you sent her a stupid email--you can't believe that you would have said such things except that it just came flying out of your brain and somehow missed the filter, and that it is very deeply important to you that she know both that you are sorry and that you have a response to her that you want to share.
Then, going back and reading her requests so that you respond to them, tell her something like: it seems like you are wanting to set some boundries with me. I really believe in you as a mother and I want to honor your instincts on this. I just adore my grandchildren and seeing you mother them and I do want to spend as much time with all of you as I can but I want to do it in the ways that you think will be most helpful to you. I just need you to be honest with me as we go along now and in the future and tell me these things as they come up. I can take it. I will listen. Let's make a code so that we have a gentle start to what might feel like a confrontation. I want you to say 'mom, I want to talk with you about your role with my family' and I will know to just listen to you and not feel defensive, because I know that you are not attacking me, but just setting boundries for your family and your in-laws.

Grandparenting is a time when parents get the chance to really honor and get to know their children in a new way--and if you are ever at a loss for what to say or do just remember that sentence: tell me what I can do to help you in the way you need or want help--I'll do anything.

even if it is doing laundry and dishes while she cuddles with her baby and rests, you will be holding her space and protecting her as a mother, supporting her in her endevour to be with her child. It's not glamorous, but when you change your pace and tone and put her first your relationship with her and your grandchildren over the long haul will be much stronger and healthier.

Hi J. -

Just to get it out of the way, being a mother yourself I'm sure you remember your pregnant days when your hormones were all over the place and sometimes the things you said weren't the most rational or polite statements uttered. Given that, try to be patient with your daughter, recognizing that she's dealing with some heavy emotions/hormones right now and may not always be considering her words, either.

That being said, I am pregnant now with my first child. My husband and I are happily married and we will have 3 sets of grandparents and 2 sets of great grandparents for our child to enjoy. We are truly blessed...and sometimes a little cursed. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to feel supported by family but when that family has conflicting, constant, nagging and intrusive advice/recommendations/demands, it can get extraordinarily frustrating. While hearing the wisdom of my and my husband's parents is always welcome, listening to them inform me of such facts as we are required to spend this holiday or that holiday with them is a bit much. Sometimes the demands are really presumptive and sometimes they do not take into consideration our situation.

I'm sure your daughter appreciates the fact that you love her and are excited to meet her new little bundle. I'm also sure she appreciates your words of wisdom but what you may not realize is that she is probably getting the same thing from the relatives on her husband's side of the family - and that can build up for a while. It's quite possible she's even venting some of the frustration she is feeling towards them on you because you're a "safer target" - not fair but maybe true.

I'm sure you'll both figure this out. My mother and I have not always been kind to one another (understatement) and my mom can often times be overbearing and sometimes mean. But we somehow manage to figure it out.

Try to be patient and understanding. Remember your experience when you were pregnant and the pull you felt from family (on all sides) to share your joy. Best of luck!

I feel for you and am very sorry your feelings were hurt. Try to remember that she is pregnant and hormones are probably playing a big part. She may be saying things that she would not normally say. You will have to share your grandchildren, but being that she is 2500 miles away, it is not necessary for her to remind you of this. If this is her first child she may be oversensitive. With my first pregnancy I worried about things that I never worried about with my second child. Know that she loves you and that this will pass. In regards to the email, maybe you could let her know your feelings were hurt and your email refected this. Be honest, she may appreciate that. Good Luck.

I have a Mother-In-Law who tends to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, alot. I have 3 sisters-in-laws (my husbands sisters)-my husband is the oldest of a large family, and his sisters were young teenagers and pre-teens when we got married. One of his sisters (who lives on the East Coast) was having infertility problems, so she was discouraged and called her mom. My mother-in-law (her mother) told her she probably won't be able to have any children and consider adoption. My sister-in-law called me in tears! She went to her mother for support-as a woman and as a daughter needing her mother's encouraging words. I told my sister-in-law that things would work out, and that it was still early (under a year) that they had been trying. After I calmed her down (for more than an hour), I let her know if she ever needed anyone to talk to, I would be there for her. I then called my mother-in-law immediately. I told her that she needed to listen more, talk less, and be more encourging. My mother-in-law told me that she was just being truthful and told her what she thought. When my sister-in-law did become pregnant-5 months later-I was the first person she called.
There have been other instances where my mother-in-law has not given the best advice to her adult children, and my husband is the first person to tell anyone that.
Words are sometimes more hurtful than actions, especially when it's coming from a parent. If you do send an e-mail (even if it's accidentally) consider thinking about what you want to say and get across, before you type, or, type it on a "Word" document, where it can be saved, but not sent out. It's difficult when she lives so far away, my sister lives on the East Coast as well. It seems that relationships are different when we live so far away from family.
Also keep in mind-she is pregnant. I have 3 friends who are pregnant right now, and thier hormones are bouncing off the walls. They will ask me things like "am I over reacting or should I be really mad about this". When I was pregnant, I was the same way. Then after I had my baby (babies), and after I get over the hormonal aftermath and feel normal again-I look back and think "Oh My Gosh! I was such a mess! I can't believe I over reacted about this, that, and the other thing." When women are pregnant (most women) we are more sensitive or hyper sensitive to everything. You shouldn't be offended by anything she says, because she is hormonal. Hormones are not an excuse for being demeaning or rude, but she may look back on this in a year or so and think that maybe she over-reacted to the situation. But, I think you know, especially if you have had children, what she is going through. I know the women of your generation didn't talk about pregnancy hormones, baby blues, etc.
What's done is done. Your e-mail has been sent. She probably will read it, and if she does, apologize, let her know you love her and miss her. Let her know how hard it is for you, as her mother, to live so far away from her.
I don't know what your arguement is about. Maybe you are feeling left out because you are so far away. If you have never had to share your grandchildren before (which is sounds like you haven't had to deal with that), I don't know what to tell you except that this grandchild will have 2 sets of grandparents to LOVE it, instead of 1 set. So why would that be so bad?

SAHM of 2 wonderful active boys ages 12 and 6. Have been married to a fabulous, patient, loving husband for 17 years this May. I have a wonderful and loving relationship with my Mom and Stepmom. I do have a good relationship with my Mother-In-Law as well, despite the things she says from time to time. And was raised with 4 sets of loving grandparents (2 biological and 2 Step), who loved me and my siblings.

I did this with my mom when I was pregnant. We had an e-mail arguement and it was really nasty. You could chalk it up to pregnancy causing ridiculous emotions, but you also have to remember that she may feel like she is in the middle of 2 families, being tugged in all directions. She may just need space, or an apology from you for something that she perceives that you started. Handle her with kit gloves and with kindness and then open your ears and really listen to what she needs, thinks. Then ask her why she would say hurtful things to you. And listen again. But do it voice to voice if not in person. So much can be confused over e-mail.

She's your daughter and I'm sure she loves you and you will be able to work this out. Probably she's hormonal and crabby. I know I am while I'm pregnant. I'd be honest about how you feel so you aren't holding it in resentfully, but remember that she might not be able to see it your way right now. Be strong for her. Let her talk to you about how she really feels. Probably she wasn't trying to be mean, but trying to express a fear or a concern that came out that way. Maybe she's overwhelmed with number two and having her mom so far away. I'd assume the best about her intentions and try to talk about it over the phone, not email, where inflection and nuance can get lost.

Hope this helps!

as difficult as it may be... pick up the phone and call. emails are often read and written with different "tones" than you may have intended. good luck!

I would tell her that your feelings were hurt and that you use the letter method to work thru it and that was your raw feelings before you were able to actually rationalise them. Tell her that letter was not to be sent and that if she reads it it might hurt her feelings and that is not what you want to do. Ask her what she does to work thru hurt feelings to kind of get her thinking about that last time she was hurt and maybe that will help. She needs to understand that you know she is the parent and all you were trying to to is inpart some of your child rearing wisdom. She might have been trying to make a point about something and just didn't use tack. I am hoppingthis will clear up soon expecailly for the babies they are the most important after all.

Dear J., I have a simaliar situation, my first gradson has lived here most of his life, and we are very close, my daughter recently (1-31-08) had a new baby boy! And a new husband! Though they still live with us, I am now being told that I have to share time with his other grandparents! I do not have a problem with that, it was the delivery. I think that no matter what she says, she should continue to show you respect. It is very easy for them to hurt us with the grandkids, and the 'father' is probably at the root. I would make her understand that you don't have a problem but was just wondering if they had told his parents the same thing! Fair is fair, and she needs to get that. The fact that you are 2500 miles away limits your time enough, she has no reason to even see that as a problem. Sorry, this one really gets me, I don't understand how this new generation of kids thinks. We 'needed' every family member we had, even the shady ones!! She should wallow in her words for a while, that is what I did with my daughter, and she has a better attitude these days!! You have every right to feel hurt, but give yourself a break, she'll come around; every girl needs their mother :) Good Luck, R.