Marrige

If you trust him, ask him why he thinks you don't trust him. Ask him what has happened that makes him think he not trusted.

Watch the movie "Fireproof". Then buy the manual. The book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is also a good relationship book. Inspite of the title putting most women off, its a good book. Its written about 75% for women and 25% for men. I first read it when I had been married for about 30 years. It helped me understand my wife's point of view and her to understand mine.

Good luck!!

He should go to a retreat. Retreats are awesome and make you see things that you are having trouble with.

Good luck,
Elisa M

Dear Mary,
I'm sorry you and your girls are going through this.
You don't give a lot of info, and that's okay, but like others have said, something just sounds fishy here.
My husband did very bizarre and very awful and painful things to me and our kids and he was an absolute master at twisting things around to make them my fault. (He wouldn't have gotten mad enough to rip the back fence off it's hinges if I hadn't gotten potting soil on the deck while transplanting house plant. He wouldn't have stormed out and stayed gone all night if I hadn't gotten upset when he deliberately broke something precious of mine). A person can only walk on eggshells for so long.
This is your business, of course, but instead of going out of your way to convince your husband that you trust him, I would be more tempted to ask him, "What level of trust is it you expect from me? You walked out on us without giving a reason, two months later you tell me the reason is trust and say that you love me, but you can't live with me. I need to know how that is supposed to make me trust you more."
It's simple, to the point, non-accusatory. It would be nice for you to know what he has to say in response to that, if he answers you at all.
I don't want to hurt or alarm you, but my husband accused me of cheating on him constantly, and guess who was doing the cheating? All his "business" trips and going to "see his parents" for a few days but the kids and I couldn't go....finding earrings and things in his car that weren't mine but he INSISTED they were and he wasn't going to put up with me starting a fight over nothing because I was just jealous. He even told me I needed mental help because I couldn't even remember what earrings I own. Well, yes...unfortunately for him, I could remember.

It sounds like you really love your husband and want him back, and I'm glad that you have become closer in your relationship with God. That is never a bad thing. He can give you strength when you really need it the most.
I would certainly suggest counselling, because if nothing else, your husband really needs to see how damaging just walking out on you and the kids the way he did is. He needs to realize that trust is something that is earned, it can't just be demanded of another person. Instead of you doing everything you can to prove you trust him, after what he pulled, he should be doing everything he can to give you reasons why you should. Something just seems very backwards about this whole thing.
I have a friend whose husband left her every year, like clockwork, right around Christmastime. This went on for 5 years. He wasn't cheating, wasn't out looking for other women....he "just wasn't happy". She went out of her way to be a good wife and please him and boom....he was going to move out again. And, she literally, I'm not exaggerating, would cry and beg on the floor and cling to his legs while he dragged her trying to get out the front door, all the while pleading..."Please don't leave me!"
I flat told her, "Honey...you've been going about this all wrong. Next time he says he's moving out....you get the suitcases and start helping him pack. Don't you DARE cry. You help him load up his truck and tell him this is the last time. He's moving out, and he's not coming back. You hope he finds whatever it is that will make him happy, but you and the kids are getting on with your lives. You don't have time or energy for this foolishness anymore.
Don't back down. Fall apart when he's gone, call me...we'll get you through this. He is so used to you begging him not to leave, he'll never even see this coming. No more playing games. He needs to believe you are dead serious."
Sure enough, like clockwork, he announced he was leaving and she followed my advice. She even went so far as to say that he could have the kids every other weekend, but from then on, he was to call before coming over, he was not to just let himself in the house and they could work out further arrangements through court mediation.
It wasn't easy, she was a wreck, but never let him see it and you know what? That was the last time he ever even hinted about leaving. Their marriage is stronger than ever and they've celebrated 25 years.
I only mention this because here was a good guy who "just wasn't happy" and he figured out he'd be less happy without his wife and family and when she stood up to him, he knew that's right where he was headed. Straight to Alone-ville.
You know, some men act like they want subservient wives, or that's what their wives think they want, and it can turn out to be the thing that men like the very least, or respect the very least.
Your husband hurt you. You have every right to say so.
Be strong. Speak up for yourself.
And whatever you do... don't cry, beg and cling to him....
It never works.

"I love you, but I can't live with you."

To me, that statement requires a reply and it might be something like, "Fine. Hasta la vista, baby."

You've already got two months of him being gone under your belt.

I think marriages should be saved if there is any chance, but it takes TWO.
Two "half people" do not equal a whole person. It doesn't work that way, and even if it did, you'd still be shy one person in order to make a duo work.
It takes two "whole" people. And we want our children to be "whole". Even through adversity.

I wish you the best. I really do.

I would like to speak from a child's perspective. I recently had to deal with a similar situation involving my parents. I'm 23 and my dad decided to leave (without warning or explaination) on father's day 2007 (a week before their 24th anniversary). He left my mom with my younger brother and sister (ages 17 and 14). When he finally did come around to explaining himself he said he was unhappy with my mom. I later found out that it wasn't that he was unhappy with my mom but rather he was happier with someone else. My mom is a devout Christian. She relied very much on her faith with God. I also am a Christian and I believe that God is already telling you something. Men don't leave like that over something thats your fault. I think the other girls are right. He is the one who can't be trusted. You need to protect your kids now from any more heartache. Because if he really loved you he would have tried to discuss this issue with you before he just up and left you with no explaination. It took my dad a year before he tried to talk to us kids. My brother STILL won't have anything to with him over what he did. Even after 3 years my family is still trying to heal. My mom found a wonderful man who shares her faith in God and treeats her the way she deserves. Her faith in God lead her to find this man. Have faith. Never lose it. Its what will help your family get through and past this time. I would file for divorce or tell him to. I once asked my mom if she would ever take my dad back and her answer was no. He never believed in God and it would take a miraculous change in him for her to ever trust him enough to contimplate taking him back. Anyway, I'm rambling. Good luck with your situation. I feel for you and your kids.

Mary--my heart absolutely breaks for you and your beautiful children. Please forgive my harsh tone: but your "husband" is a selfish JERK. (Of course you can't trust him--he walked out on you & your kids!!!) As others have said, his "you don't trust me" BS is his way of attempting to deflect responsibility for his own behavior by making you feel like YOU are the one at fault. My guess is, if you look back and analyze your marriage, you'll probably see sort of thing was his favorite pasttime. I am very happy you have reconnected with God, and pray that He will help you through this difficult time, and that He will help you see you are married to a manipulative, spoiled brat. It sounds to me like you and your children will be much happier without him in the long run.

TRUST........hmmm. You obviously didnt give us much details in your questions, so that leaves more questions than answers in my mind. Having said that however, i am inclined to think your husband is using a defense mechanism called "Projection". In Projection, someone accuses another of something he is guilty of (e.g Trust)......i.e your husband may be accusing you of the exact thing he is guilty of.

I think he left for 2 months to fool around or have some sort of bachelor-life. Then realized he's bored now and had enough of the cake and now wants to come back home, but wont' admit to any fault. Instead putting the blame on you as being the problem (not trusting him).

It's hard to say when there's children involve and unless I was in this situation, it may be easier to advise you to just walk away from this.

If you do decide to not take him back, I HIGHLY advise you to not engage in any argument with him over it. That's exactly what he'll want you to do so that you may end up saying something you might regret and then that could be his ammunition to say that this marriage was doomed not ONLY because of him - but your fault too. You have to remember what you said in your post that you were in complete shock (had no clue why)...Therefore, you didn't know anything to cause this. Don't let him make it something that you are/were contributing to. He walked out on you guys and he can't take all the blame for it, so he wants you to be a part of the blame too.

I say just don't go there with any arguments and explanations if you do decide to end it. Actions speaks louder than words (his actions should say enough and YOURS should be enough) Also, remember..sometimes..Silence REALLY is golden.

go to eclissiaties since you are spiritual and it will tell you all the ingrediants that should be in a marriage. if they are not there a marriage will not work. I dont remeber the book and verses but it is love is not jealous etc. I had these hanging on my wall before i started packing. also another verse in the bible is give god your broken heart and he will fix it. time for some self reevaluation. look at what you are doing wrong. everyone in a divorce does something wrong. one more than the other and I am betting it is him. I am not saying you are the more but it takes 2 to make a marriage work and it takes 2 to make it fail. read all the verses in the bible related to marriage. all the answers to life are in the bible. just some people don't want to realize that.

but remeber some things just arent meant to be.if you believe and he doesnt it will make a lot of strain on a marriage. There is also a verse and I dont remeber the book chapter or verse right off it too is also packed "it is better to live on the corner of a roof than with a contentious? women." I used to be this woman before I found god. I think I quoted that right if not it is close. but in reality I am with the other posters he is taking the spotlight off of him so he wont get caught. maybe god has in mind a better chrisitan man for you that will make YOU HAPPY. were you really happy with him? I bet later you will realize the answer is no. I will pray for you. good luck

He's lying. That's all I can think. Even if he doesn't feel like you trust him, if he REALLY loves you, he couldn't live without you and your children. Something else is going on here. He needs counseling and you need marriage counseling together. If he loves you he will be willing to get counseling to fix whatever is wrong. But my suspicion is that he's making up an excuse because he isn't happy and doesn't want to admit that the problem is his own, not yours.
Personally, I think it takes more pro-activeness than just praying, especially when it involves someone else. Pray for answers and understanding, but actively talk to him, seek counseling, get to the bottom of his issues.
Good Luck:)

Any man who walks out on his family without explanation and then months later returns with a strange a very limited "reason" is not worth a minute more of your time. Unless there is more to the story, I would certainly think you cannot trust a person who just walks away from the people he is supposed to love, protect and support no matter what. If you made it without him for two months whose to say you cannot make it on your own? Do you really need to ask God to help you show your husband you trust him or ask God and find within yourself the ability to stand strong and insist that people around you don't walk out whenever they feel some pressure. Honestly, the point of being married and together is the awesome feeling that no matter what happens someone is there looking out for you and your children. If you don't have that, what's the point?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. No matter what happens, always trust in Christ to get through this. He will turn this mess into something good in the end. It might not be how you wanted it, but always trust in Him. That being said, I have a book called "I Promise" by Dr. Gary Smalley. It is on the 5 commitments to determine the destiny of your marriage. On the back cover it sums it up as: " Great marriages are built on a foundation of trust, not behavioral skills." I would advise you to read it, pray about it, and ask your husband to read it too. It is great you have a good support group. They will help you keep your sanity through this. Also see if he is willing to meet with your pastor or counselor with you. I will be praying for you, your children, and your husband.

For the sake of your children, find out what you said or did that he did not like. Let him be up front and honest without saying anything to justify, excuse, or explain your behavior. Let him tell you without disagreeing, etc. - just listen. Sometimes we think we are coming across one way when, in fact, we are coming across a totally different way. Then go and take some time and think about what part of what he said is true. Once he sees that you admit to being part of the problem and are willing to change, he will be open to working things out. Very seldom are we the perfect wives. Because of how we have been brought up, how we have seen other relationships, what we think is acceptable, etc. we often do not see that we can inadvertently drive our husbands away. If he loves you, then you have the potential to have your family back and your kids will be able to enjoy having their daddy home.

Hi Mary - I think that's wonderful that you have renewed your relationship with God. That will be the foundation on which the rest of your life is built, including your marriage.

Your husband sounds like he was pretty fed up with some things that were going on and behaviors toward him - I dont know the reasons that you dont trust him but obviously he feels trustworthy and it's hurting him that you dont. Before divorcing, go to see a counselor both individually and as a couple to help you get to the root of the problem.

MC,
I feel your pain and will put you and your family in my prayers. This is all too familiar to my situation which started a while ago. I won't say how long because everyone's situation is different ~ and right now I'm sure you're more than sensitive to suggestion. I started a group of Christian people who's spouses have left them - mostly the same way you're describing - just left with very little to go on. This group started with 10 and has grown to 23 in the 6 months that we've known one another. We meet for coffee every Friday, we stay in touch by e-mail daily and we pray for one another. We truly understand. Most of us have young children. There are a few men too which gives perspective all the way around. We cry and hurt for one another - we encourage and help and we are there day and night for eachother - we feel like a family. For Valentine's we all gathered with the kids and had a wonderful dinner. No one was alone and no one feels alone in this group. I don't know where you live, but I'm in Houston near the Champions/Willowbrook area. If you would like, I'd be happy to listen and pray for you. Please just let me know in an e-mail. You're welcome to join us for coffee. We're all new and we have someone new almost every week. It's fantastic and it helps. What you're going through is worse than a death. I know - I'm heartbroken. My husband said the same thing - that he loves me but cannot live with me. Turns out he was in a very bad place that I knew nothing about at the time. He has now found Christ and we'll see what he does with this.
God bless. You are in my prayers.
D.

Is your husband a Christian? If not, pray for God to intervene in his life. If he is, then the Bible says that you can confront him with help from other believers. If you are uncomfortable getting a pastor involved, then ask an older couple whom you both respect to help you work through these issues together. Pastoral counseling would be best, but sometimes men just won't go to counseling. The Bible places responsibility on the husband to love their wives. If he isn't, then he will be responsible to God for his behavior. Stormie Omartian wrote a book for wives about praying for their husbands: "The Power of a Praying Wife". Check out her website. Ultimately, your husband has to make a choice if he wants to make the marriage work. You can only be responsible for how you behave. Keep praying - and trust God in all things. May God bless you and keep His hand upon you.

I agree with Sarah D. He's making it your fault that he left! You need more to go on here than "trust". You both need to be involved in fixing this. Talk with a qualified counselor and get the real reasons on the table so they can be dealt with.

I am so sad for you. I pray that you and your husband can work this out because you are obviously still in love with him and your children are probably hurting too. Just keep praying about it. Maybe he just needs some time to sort out his feelings. Good luck and congratulations on your rebirth with God. I will keep you in my prayers and God bless you and your family.

I'm not Chistian, so I can't answer for God, but it sounds to me that you and your husband are in need of marriage counseling. Check with your church/clergyperson... they often offer it for free and will take into consideration your religious beliefs (which secular counselors might not).
Good luck!

Maybe it is that he does not trust you.
Either way, you cannot change him, you can only change yourself.
God Bless!

During my divorce (with no kids though) my big scripture that helped me was Romans 8:28. "Through all things God works for the good of those who love him." There are various translations, but today at church, strangely enough, the minister further explained this scripture and it helped my understanding......

.... It's not that "all things" are great, but all things (the good and the bad) are going to work together to make something amazing happen. The minister used this analogy: if you tasted flour, tasted baking soda, tasted baking powder, tasted bittersweet chocolate, tasted sugar .... individually they do not taste so great. But when they all come together, they create something great - "all things work for those who love Him."

So continue to put your heart and your faith into God. Love Him, love your children, love your husband. If this all goes downhill, at least you will know that you tried everything you could. And if it does go downhill, know that it is just one of those 'things' that will work for the good of your future and for your children's future. But I hope and pray that you and your husband will be able to trust eachother, get counseling with a Christian counselor. Yes look up in Ecclesiastes the role of a husband and wife. Part of a wife's job is to respect your husband, so I would respect his wishes (to a manner). Verbally tell him "I understand that you don't want to live with me right now. Do you think you may want to live with me in the future?" I think he will like to know that you hear what he's saying. Often us women don't listen, or don't say to our men "I hear/I understand what you're saying." But your husband has to want to make this work in order for it to work. But like I said, if you do all that you can, then he'll have to meet you half-way. You can't make a marriage work if he isn't willing to try too.

Whatever the outcome, continue your relationship with GOD, and allow him to lead you. God bless