This will be a long post, I'm sorry. My husband and I were friends through college but nothing more, I dated other people and he never really dated anyone. I found out later that he'd had a crush on the the whole time and I didn't know it. He has a lot of insecurity issues - MAJOR - girls always liked him as "just friends", his father didn't spend time with him like he should have, his father cheated on the family and left when my husband was in college. My husband has never dealt with any of that. When we started dating we got pregnant pretty much right away and got married a few months later. We went from being friends for a long time to being married for the first time and having a kid too. It was very stressful. From the very beginning, he had issues that he never showed before we got married. He found out I'd kissed a guy in college that he knew and he became furious. I said a girl on tv was pretty and he accused me of being gay. He's had dreams that I am cheating on him and doing drugs and crazy things like that the entire time we've been married. He's never liked my parents (only child with older parents) although they have done so many things to help us out. He's never liked my friends and always gets mad and pouty when I want to have a girl's night or do anything with anyone that isn't connected to him, his friends or his family. We went to counseling a few years after we got married and it helped a little with our communication issues. He's the type to blow up if he's confronted with anything that I disagree with or get mad at him and I'm the type to shrink up if he is mean to me. Fast forward to now and we have a second child who has a seizure disorder and is a special needs child (non-verbal, etc). We'll have good months but I realize now that all of the bad times are if I ask to have a girl's night or if I'm away on a work trip and I am having a good time or if I want to spend a weekend with my parents or something. He'll give me the cold shoulder and act really distant and after I question what is wrong with him he'll say that he's not happy and I don't show him enough attention and that we don't have sex enough and things like that. We are way more affectionate with each other than most married couples I see. I am finally to the point where I don't even ask what's wrong anymore. For years my self-esteem has suffered because I was doing everything I could think of to make him happy and it still wasn't enough. In January, I wanted to have a girl's weekend and also I got mad at him because he was being soo rude to my parents at our daughter's party and I fussed at him about it, so he did the whole, "this marriage is in major trouble" and compared us to other couples even though they don't have a special needs child. Told me that I needed to lose some weight too (we were both going on a diet, he's always had a bit of a weight problem and I haven't). It was like a wall hit me I didn't understand were it came from because everything seemed fine. It then dawned on me that I had wanted to have a girl's weekend and I mentioned that and told him that everytime I wanted to have one he always starts something. He admitted that it makes him think about things that are wrong in the marriage. He really doesn't do things with anyone besides his family. We don't have people over, he isn't as social as I am. The girl's weekends that I go on are maybe twice a year w/ my married college friends (three). We go to each other's houses (we all live in different states) and we just stay at the house and drink a little and catch up. We don't go to bars or anything. it's just a normal girl's weekend, nothing that should matter. Here is the problem now. My father had a massive stroke the first of march and I stayed at the hospital with him and my mom for weeks. I would come home for a few days then go back. My father died 20 days after the stroke so I basically just watched him slowly die. It was the hardest thing to go through and I am still so unbelievably heartbroken. My mother is in her 70's and I wanted him to go with me to their house to help with the yard. She lives 40 minutes away and he seemed so put out about it. He said he'd do it but made it clear that he wasnt' going to do it every other weekend and that she would have to find someone to do it. He didn't want to go stay at her house because he said he doesn't enjoy it. He thinks my mom should sell the land/house so she can be closer to us and I think he just doesn't want to deal with it all. I told him if we have to sell the land it will be like daddy dying all over again. This land has been in our family for over a hundred years. I could understand if my dad had been dead for months and I was still wanting him to help out but he only died three weeks ago. We got into a fight about it and his real feelings came out. He said that I had dropped our family to be with my mom and that I didn't care about him or anything. Did he expect me to just stay home with him while my father died in the hospital. I just don't understand it. I am so upset that I left work early and came to my mom's for the weekend with the kids. He left a nasty voicemail saying that i always run to my mom when there is a problem (I've never gone to them if something was wrong, this is the first time in our marriage I've done this) and that that was what was wrong with our marriage. When I was driving to my mom's it hit me that I'd asked if I could go to Atlanta to my friend's baby shower (one of the 3 friends from college). He didn't seem to like the idea but never said anything else. I really think the whole blow up with not wanting to help out with my mom and that our marriage is bad (he mentioned this again) is because I wanted to go to the baby shower. It's like he doesn't want me to have anything to do with anyone besides him or his family. Everything is always my fault according to him and I used to believe it but I'm about done with this marriage. Everything that he's done is all flooding back and i have so much resentment towards him I feel sick in side. This was the meanest thing that he has ever done. The last time he started this (january) i told him that i thought he had insecurity issues and that he needed to go to therapy or get on some medicine or something (him mom things he needs it too b/c he has major anger issues and has no patience with anyone) and he was basically like "hell no" i don't need therapy and made it all my fault. Do i even bother with counseling? I'm almost to the point where I hate him now.
I tried to talk to him tonight about how he'd hurt me and again I'm left feeling like I'm over reacting and taking things the wrong way. He never tried to call when I was at my parents and when I got home there was a list of "new rules" on the refrigerator. I can never get my feelings across to him he wants dates of when he did the things I've said he's done. He said he's tired of picking up after me and made me feel like I don't do as much as him. He said I'll never find someone better and that I'm treated very well. I tried to tell him that I think he's insecure and that it affects our marriage and he said he's not and that insecure people check people's text messages and things like that. I told him we have to go to counseling and he was like" fine" with this smug attitude like he was tired of dealing with me. I'm so confused I don't even know what to think.
Your husband is a manipulator. I was married to one, too.
I recommend the book The Power Of People: Four Kinds Of People Who Can Change Your Life by Verna Cornelia Price.
She describes adders, subtractors, multipliers, and dividers. My husband was a divider - didn't want me to have friends or spend time with family. Everything was about him. That, along with several other issues, became unbearable over the years.
A Christian based counselor is the best thing that yall should attend. Your counselor should address his anger issues if even by referring him to another counselor that deals with changing one's behavior. I can recommend a really good counselor for that. I know a man who had serious issues and after like eight years of other counselors and nothing helped, then this one Christian based I could see a difference. Unfortunately it was not enough. There was something else lacking on both of our parts. I realized that I needed to ask God for help. Then I got the help I needed. You've written about basic problems like jealousy, anger, lust, pride... Understanding these sins and how to overcome these sins is important. Start with prayer. Encourage prayer in him too. If he is not seriously sick I would recommend the "Love Dare" as a daily devotional to each other. I also watched a DVD on the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Lively Virtues that discusses how these sins effect our lives and loved ones and how to overcome them...It is REALLY good. You may have to lure him to the counselor...make it your issue about not being "intimate" enough. Then address other issues too.
Do not hate...it will hurt you, your family, and you husband. Hate just creates more hate and then you create a cycle of hate. Break the cycle with love. Love creates more love : ) It may be a lesson in humility to bite your lip let the anger go and do something loving. Look for inspiration, there are many people who have been great teachers of love. Read a book or watch a movie about someone who had a great amount of love... Martin Luther King, Saint Francis of Assisi...
Build a support group for yourself. Who can either just be there for you or can help you save your family. Be sure not to vent or gossip to people about how bad things are. Vent to God by praying for help and talk to your friends about encouraging him and solutions only if you truly think they can help.
I think you know the awnswer, you just need a little "nudge"?
You are miserable. And so is he. NOT because of you, he's just a miserable person. And you can't change that. There's no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage when one party is not willing to admit any fault, or want to change. I see this all the time w/ my friends and wonder why they stay. Life is too short. Everyone has problems yes, but he's creating them. He's self destructive and there's no need for him todrag you and your kids down too. Good luck!
Yeah.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't say if your husband drinks or not, but look up the description of a "dry drunk". I think you'll see your husband in that description.
I think it's very healthy that you recognize that the things that he is accusing you of are not your fault. He is majorly insecure and is trying to control you. You have kids to take care of, you are grieving for your father, and your mother needs you. You don't need any of his BS on top of everything. The minute you try to do something for yourself, he says you are being selfish? I don't think you are making unreasonable requests.
If you can stay at your mom's house with your kids for a while, that might be a good thing. Your husband doesn't sound like he is at all open to counseling, but if he realizes that his marriage is at stake, he might be more open to the idea. Otherwise, you might just be better off without him.
I am sure your husband is not all bad but he sounds like a very selfish, self absorbed man.
I am just not sure how you could get past the fact he was not emotionally there for you through your father's death and is not understanding at all that you should be there for you mom at this time.
Although there are two sides to every story, your husband sounds like a really tough person to be with. If he refuses to get help then it is extremely unlikely your relationship will ever get better. Of course you would grow to resent him even more.
Maybe staying at your mom's will be a wake up call that he could loose you.
Hugs.
Oy, sounds pretty bad.
If you can take some solo counseling to help give you the guts to prepare for life beyond him, I'd do it.
Pray too.
You do share a child, so you will never be rid of him.
You can't change him, can you change yourself? That is the question.
I'm sorry but you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. When ever he doesn't get his way he throws a fit, insults you and basically threatens to end the relationship if you don't bow down to him.
He is separating you from your friends and family because he doesn't want you to have anyone to turn to. This puts him in even MORE control. The more you give in, the worse it gets.
I know, I dealt with this too. Luckily I didn't marry the guy. It was close though. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, and honestly, I think you should get out. He is not going to change. He doesn't want to change, in his mind he is perfect and you are the problem. You ARE NOT the problem. You are a person, not just his property. Uggh, just thinking about this pisses me off all over again.
I was at the point where I pretty much hated my ex too. Leaving him was the absolute best thing that I ever did. It was such a relief not to have to walk on egg shells every day. Not to have to worry about what kind of reaction I would have for every word I said he didn't agree with. I got to be myself again. Good luck and I hope you find peace.
He is manipulating you with his words and you fall for it all the time. You have to think of him as a kid who always wants attention, and quite frankly you cannot give it to him 24/7. You have to take care of yourself and do what you have to do without worrying if he is on board or not. You know the truth what you are doing or not doing, so let him come to his senses about his own insecurities. You can't pamper him. You know he is sensitive and attacks you when he doesn't get his way, so be prepared for that and do the opposite of what he expects. Praise him for what he did do, ignore him when you can and continue to treat him as normal and don't let his words get "into" your head. He is passively controlling you so that he can keep you close to him. Don't give in to that. Be the adult and act like one around him.
He sounds like a typical only child. No insult to the well grounded only children out there but most only children never had to learn to share their lives with other children and are made to feel not intentionally that they are the center of the universe. Having a sibling teaches the children early on but a person should grow out of the me centered world but its very hard to teach an old dog new tricks. You basically r dealing with the product of an insecure child and its going to take a lot of work on both sides. Its worth it for the sake of your family.
I wish u good luck and blessings i find prayer can really change things too giving it a new perspective.
A few wks ago, I visited a friend who decided to leave her husband 5 yrs ago. It was a really hard decision, but, she was miserable.
He, too, had no contact w/ his Dad growing up. He was one-sided in their relationship. He had major anger issues, would yell at her, etc...
Come to find out, he was bi-polar and needed to be on meds.
He moved out of town. She keeps in touch w/ his relatives though. His relatives have told her that the meds for the bi-polar have really made him do a complete turn around. He is now working FT and is in a happy give and take relationship.
Is this a learned behavior from his Mom? Or does he (or both) need medical assistance?
Intervention is definitely needed to save the marriage. How could you possibly take another few yrs of this? Your Mom really needs you, too, at this point. Reread what you just wrote to us above. Pretend that a good friend of yours wrote THIS post to you via email...What would you tell your close friend to do???
Definitely get help for yourself... They have family crisis centers where you can seek support. You need to hold strong and be yourself again... And yes... He needs help, too. You cannot force him to get help. He has to want to get himself help, you forcing him will not help the situation. In my case I was filing for divorce, lawyer in hand already, when my husband decided to get help and admit to his issues. it's been about 2 years and I have truly been myself. My husband still speaks to a counselor... There are times when we argue and when he starts to really get mad well I just say what I have to (where in the past I may have withheld myself thinking it would only make things worse)... Where this is really the opposite because in the end it only allowed him to control me even more. Remember... You are NOT his daughter. He should not be telling you where you can't go or whatever a parent does... If this is how you feel.. And now that you're posting means its only gotten and worse and there's a part of you that KNOWS something is wrong, you're just to scared to admit it... It's ok... Believe in yourself and everything will work out!
When I was reading your post, as if I was writing it. I have experienced mostly everything that you have written. My husband is a posthumous child and never had the occasion to bond with a father. I felt that he had so much anger about this and showed it in so many ways in our relationship. Bottom line is I hope I left him when I was younger and not having wasted half of my life dealing with him. Yes, at this point, I hate him too and we have been together for the last 40 years.
I could be wrong, but he sounds like a verbal/mental abuser. You are mentioning all the classic red flags of an abuser:
1. Distancing the victim from friends and family. - Wants your mom to find someone else to help her = He doesn't want you with her, because that's more time away from him = Less control over you. - Doesn't want you to go out with your friends = You might get ideas from them.
2. Tries to make the victim dependent on them. - Tells you you have it good and you can't find anyone else = Lowing your self-esteem.
3. Blames the victim.
Bottom line is that you really should concider seeing a psychologist by yourself. The right one can change your life arround.
