Marriage Problems

There is a very good book called, "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage" by Willard F. Harley. It talks about how to better understand each other's needs with the net result of building a stronger marriage. I was skeptical at first, but found that it is a very good book that men can relate to, as well. I highly recommend it. Good luck.

10 years is too much to throw out the window. I know you don't want counseling, but you need it. If it helped before, it will help again. You need a refresher course. It is hard to break bad habits, and reacting to each other badly is a bad habit. You have to train yourself to react differently. Otherwise, you can only control your own behavior. Start treating him as if he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, every minute of the day. You might be pleasantly surprised at the difference it can make. Blended families always have a harder time, but work at it.

There is a marriage seminar on DVD that is amazing. It is found at www.laughyourway.com . It is better than a counselor!

J.,

My heart goes out to you and your family. I know the pain of relationship stress and can honestly say that it is those times when you feel the weakest that only one thing works unconditionally. Whether it is in a marriage crisis, financial crisis, physical crisis or any other time of desperation that prayer, sincere and heartfelt prayer really works.

This morning we got the call from my husband's family that he should come to Texas immediately as his mother was in need. She has been battling cancer and today the doctors said it was a day by day situation. I looked at my husband and said the same thing I am saying to you. When you are at the end of your rope, sometimes you need to let go and let God take over.

Some things can't be controlled, manipulated or even "fixed" in our own power, but God is able to do what we could never do for ourselves. Letting go of being in control is sometimes the hardest thing to do. But when you let go and let God take over, He can then do what you could never do for yourself.

I pray for you today that your faith will turn to God, the only hope in times of greatest need. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly far above all we could ask for or do for ourselves.

Sincerely praying for your best days ahead!
S. Wallace
www.emwomen.com
www.staciwallace.com

I am not giving advice, just old fashioned caring, but as my grandmother always said, a family that prays together, stays together, it works. I will include you and your family in my prayers and on our prayer list. Family sit-down, family meals, family together...L.

I'm the last person on earth to be giving out relationship advice, but here is my two cents worth.

I'm going to assume you are a good mother, a good wife, a good housekeeper and so on and on. haha My question is through all of this, do you take the time to be your husbands playmate and lover and best friend? Think about the carefree time of your life when you first met him, and bring that woman back out in you and maybe that will help. Find that connection that made him fall in love with you in the first place. Take the time to enjoy each other. Fun time just you and him! Play for a day, you can do it, if you want to! Be that carefree woman or that silly woman, or that flirty woman or whatever kind of woman it took to win his heart to start with.

If you can't talk as friends and tell each other how you really feel at the time, you might want to work on that first and see if you even like each other. Love gets lost in the rat race we call life, but friends will see you through, so make your husband your best friend and you be his to.

I have 11 years married. I have some times problems too, they are normal in some way, but I think that you have to analyze if you have One proyect of life together or your proyects are selfish or independent. Focus in something that you have in comun and plan your life in this. Don't try to win the fight because you will not do it. Share with him your needs and try to understand his needs too. K.

My advice is ya'll have to talk. It's not an option. Also, at least one date night a month with just the two of you. No kids... go eat out or go to a movie...or just drive around. Start remembering the little things that made the two of you fall in love with each other.
My husband & I have been married for almost 9 years...we've had our little "slumps"... I noticed a couple of years ago that we would start arguing & fighting more whenever we never took time away from our kids for ourselves. As long as we get out & reconnect now & then.... we're ok. Also, I know for us we have had affection issues. Example: We used to always be affectionate w/each other all day.... pass each other in the kitchen and grab each other's hands as we would pass.... a swift touch on the cheek or through the hair...anything to say "I love You" w/out wearing out the words. Anyway, when that starts to slack off... I make a conscious effort to initiate some of that again... & if he doesn't respond.. I let him know what I need. I learned a long time ago that when I need something, I have to tell him. It sucks to have to tell them, b/c it feels like it means less when he does stuff for me, but men need to be reminded. If ya'll aren't careful, the financial problems will ruin your marriage. We've had our issues with that also. Honestly I don't remember how we worked through that. I just know how much I love my husband & I'm not about to let it get to the point of divorce. So, I try to stay conscious of the problems & work on them in whatever way I can.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for you the way you hope.

Hi J.
I too am a wife and mother of a blended family, the "his" "mine" and "ours" type. Together we have 10 children and we are (or should I say trying to) raise 7 of them. The two oldest (his daughter and my son) are out on their own and doing well. The next to the oldest (his son) lives with his mother and getting ready to be out on his own at OSU. We have the other 7 without much (if any) help from the other spouse. It has been an extremely tuff road to follow. We have even hit a few major dips that almost caused us to crash. We have tried the counseling thing as well, without success. Our way of dealing with things is to live day by day. Each day being a fresh new day. We don't have any time alone as a couple, but we do make gestures to each other during the day to let each other know that we still love each other very much. I have read a few of your other responses and I have to agree that it does take communication between the two of you to know how you want out of the marriage. I have learned that I have to let my husband deal with his kids on most issues and he lets me deal with mine. It has made things between the kids alot easier this way. I wish you luck. I may not have the solution you are looking for, but I do know what you are going thru.
V.

i would sit and talk look at each other and when it gets to yelling stop.... a little while later start talking... dont degrade each other and try to stay clam if these two things happen then stop talking and cool off. something will get resolved even if you have to stop 90 times and cool off re pick up the convo. and go from where you were. good luck!!!! ill be rooting for you sweetie

J.,

Take heart. It happens to all of us and your marriage can be saved.

Please buy the book, "Courtship After Marriage" by Zig Ziglar. Read it together if he will read it with you. If he won't, at least read it alone.

J.,
I know, these days, most people don't turn to religious counsel. But, if you or your husband have a religious background...you may want to consider it.

My husband and I have a blended family as well. We both find it helpful to seek counsel in our church when things get "tough". It not only helps us, but our children as well.

I hope everything works out for you.

Yes, check with your local churches to see if you can find a Dave Ramsey course on finances. It will help your marriage so much when you both get on the same page about your money and have common goals. Don't give up, go back to counseling!! Fight for you marriage and your family. We have had many rough times in our marriage,too. But, one thing I have learned is that I have to clean up my side of the street first meaning my pride, my selfishness, the way I communicate. Hope that helps and God Bless!!

Bless your heart, I feel for you. Even though you seem disinterested in counseling again, it still might be worth it - unfortunately many people stop going because they feel they have "the fix" and forget that maintenance is part of this. Do you work outside the home? If not, perhaps that might help alleviate some of the financial problems (I suspect they are a major stressor, with all the children to take care of). Are the children part of the stress? I have been in that situation, and it isn't easy. One question for you both: Are you better off without each other, or not? Remember why you fell in love and try to get in touch with those feelings again. I will keep you all in my prayers.

We had both been married before, so we set up some groud rules that worked for us. We had a date, at least twice a month, without the kids. We agreed NEVER to argue over anything over 24 hours old. That stops a lot of fighting. We got the whole family involved in church work and made new friends. We took a debt reduction financial class to learn how to handle our money and get out of debt. We never went to bed angry. We had to make peace of stay awake all night. We backed each other up on disciple, even when we disagreed we did not do it in front of the kids. We made it through some rough times and our love has grown each year. Find your path for healing your family and fight for the one you love. Do something fun to keep the romance alive. Your in my prayers.

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years now. We do not have a blended family and our children are very young, but non the less we have had our share of problems. We too, have been in counseling for the last 5 years. It always seemed to work initially but then we always went right back to our old ways and wound up seperating for a while. I don't know you or your situation, so I can only tell you what worked for me.
First of all, I realized I was trying to control my husband. I wanted very much to save our marraige and I stressed when it seemed he wasn't doing his part. Once I finally just let him be and stopped badgering him all the time, he was much more open and actually wanted to talk about our issues. He said that when I was constantly "bugging him" about things all he wanted to do was get away from me.
The most valuable thing we learned in counseling was COMMUNICATION! Now when we are hurt of upset by something the other said/did, we tell eachother (nicely). We let each other know when we are having a hard time. It has been very difficult to open up and be vunerable, especially when we spent so much time arguing and being defensive toward each other.
I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are, PRAYING for my husband was best thing I did. If you pray, I urge you to get a copy of POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian. I got a copy, thinking it might be a little too cheesy for me, but it honestly changed my life. It changed the way I looked at myself, my husband, and my marriage.
I hope this helps.. I wish you and your husband the best and please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Oh.. and by the way.. my husband and I just renewed are wedding vows last month and have been doing well for the past year and a half. :)

Marriage is hard work, have you been putting enough into saving it or are you doing just the opposite? Sometimes being right is not always the one that wins! And instead of fighting about something, try agreeing...see how good that works, he might see your ideas WAS better.
I am a widow, I know first hand that no matter how hard it is with someone, it is even harder without him!!!!
Ask yourself WHY is the servival for second marriages is so slow? Didn't they learn the frist time? NO they only learn to give up and run.......

Hi J.,
I am Joy & I have been married for soon to be 39 years in August, My Husband & I raised 4 very beautiful children, I can say Beautiful now because they are out of the House, & have their own homes,Wifes Hubbies & Children, So the Mom's curse really works lol.. But first of all, Having children at home does not help I know been there done that,
My hubby & I stayed at each others throat's day in & out, & they were ours, So I know you are having fits, J. I do know you need to get Hubby Teens and your Self in a Good Bible reading KING JAMES Church, And if he is a good Pastor he will pray with you all, Between him & God You all might make it, Because God answers prayers, Turn to God for every thing.. God Bless Love Joy..

I know exactly what you are going through. We are going on 13 years now, but I didn't think we were gonna make it. I even moved out twice because of all the fighting. But, we managed to get through it all and now the kids are grown, mostly gone and we get along better then ever.

There was his son in the home when we got married and my son and daughter. His son didn't want a "mother" and my son didn't want a "father". But my daughter was happy! Then his two olderst girls want to come live with their dad and they caused a great deal of problems for everyone. They left to go live with others and then my husbands third daughter came to live with us. It was a transition, but all went well with this. We had our problems, I moved out again, but the truth is our problems were not really about our marriage, but parenting differences and of course the boys making things difficult.

It all came down to the love we shared and that we wanted to stay together and make things work out for all of us. I think things are good now.

If there is anything to salvage between you and your husband then focus on that. One day the children will be grown and on their own and you and you husband will have survived the rough ground.

Being a step-parent is one of the most difficult roles you will ever take on. I wish you the best of luck and hope your family will be okay.

Hi J.,
This is the best advice I could possibly give to any married couple having trouble. LET GO & LET GOD!!!! First, start believing in God! Turn to Him , study your Bible and find a good church to attend.

There seems to be so much stress on married couples these days and mostly, it is due to NOT leaning on the Lord for support! I know that the money situation is a big problem in many families. Jobs just don't pay well enough anymore to cover a families needs and leave any after the bills are paid for family fun. (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT) It makes any relationship feel the pressure and too much stress.

I don't want to sound like I am preaching but God knows your troubles, if you will go to Him in prayer, earnestly, and ask him to get you through whatever you are going through (BE SPECIFIC) He will never let you down. I do firmly believe in God and trust in Him to deliver me from any situation I may be in. He may not answer me in my time (as soon as I think He should) but I DO get His answer in HIS time.

Don't give up on 10 years of marriage too easily. It takes a lot to make it that far! I too have been married for 10 years. ( These days, 5 years is a major accomplishment.) We have only had a few major arguments, PRAISE THE LORD, and we have a great relationship because the line of communication is always open. Even when we are angry!!! MY ADVICE, DON'T GO TO BED ANGRY! It seems to make it so much worse the next day.

I will be praying for you and your family! May God bless you and bring peace into your home real soon!
P.

Maybe a weekend alone might help. You might even try writing letters to express how you feel. I honestly am not sure what to tell you because I am in the same boat. I wish you luck though.
S.S.

Here are a couple of things you can try. One thing is make sure you and your husband are always putting each other first, if you two are first and working as a team your children will see what a happy marriage is. Stand united in front of the children, once you blend a family it cant be my kids and his kids it has to become our kids. You have to stand united because its normal for kids to act out because they will always hold out the hope of their parents getting back together.
This next exercise may have to come first but remember you and your husband have to work as a team once you work out your problems.
Now you and your husband need to go to seperate rooms make a list of what you want out of life, the future and your mate. Then get together and compare them, see what you agree on, what you can compromise on or what you can live without. See if you are even on the same page of what you want. Once you do that figure out what it is going to take to make your goals work. A date night, financial counceling, setting new house rules. You both need to get over the past hurts once you do this agree to let them go, start fresh.

I hope this helps

It sounds like counseling might be your only and best option. I am not sure about your previous counsleing experience but I know that a good marriage counselor can be a life saver. I would be happy to speak with you if you would like. Go here for more information www.laurakuester.com

The both of you need to communicate.

Both partners have to work at maintaining a marriage.

It is about communication, and compromise.

Also, never go to bed angry with each other, it does not help.

You need to take some time just the two of you, and make a date of it with no kids around.

As, far as your finances you both need to sit down and make out a budget, and stick to it. It is not about his money or her money it is ya'lls money.

My husband and I have one account, both checks go into it. We also have a joint savings account that we use for emergencies. I maintain the books, and if I feel we are over spending he and I discuss it, and come up with money saving options.

This has been working for us for 8 1/2 happy years. With the addition of 2 loveing boys.

Jeanine --I know you said no counselors. But, I am concerned as to why not? Perhaps you should try a different counselor. Attending counseling is not always for just a few visits.

I respect your concerns too much to try and help you resolve it in this venue--it would not be fair to you. It would be equivalent to talking to a girlfriend who does not have all the information. Ten years is a long time to invest. If you two love each other--keep love in the picture and try to separate raising children from your relationship as man and woman. Remember in a relationship it is not always 50/50. Sometimes one has to give or take a little more than the other.

As for money problems--try to get started working on that with a financial counselor. You may be able to find one if you cannot afford one. And if only one of you goes to a counselor--for starters that is okay.

I pray that God is in your program. May God be your guide.

I just want to let you know you're not the only one going through much of the same situation. We have a blended family also, with a "mine, his, and ours" family structure. We separated once before for a while and then started going to counseling together. It really did help a lot, but now, 4 years later, I see us kind of going back to that relationship dynamic level.

One thing our counselor told us to do is to take a piece of paper and write down 10 things about the other person that you really like. This is something that you could do at home. It's really silly feeling, but it helps you to feel what you had once felt for each other, especially after you lose sight of what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place.

I've read some books and web sites about marriage and relationships and making it work. One thing I learned is that the way you talk to each other makes a huge difference. Taking a proactive tone of voice when discussing differences with each other helps; instead of accusing each other, say something like, You know, I really appreciate when you [help with supper, chores, picking kids up from after-school activities, whatever]. And I know I am not always the ideal wife and that we don't see eye-to-eye on many things. I was thinking that something we could work on together is [insert one of your marital stressors here].

Yeah it does sound really cornball and hokey! But you know how men are - if you come right out and say, I don't like it when you...., they are going to put those defenses up and be ready to battle.

It does sound a lot like you want your marriage to stay together. But if you really don't think it is going to work between you, then it may be best for both of you to separate. You know your husband better than any of us do, so if you think he would be willing to work at the marriage and put forth 100% effort to keeping it together, then make the same commitment yourself. Either way, you have to communicate. That was our biggest problem, we didn't communicate, and it is still so hard for us! But I've learned that 99% of the battle with that is how you talk to each other.

Please feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

Jeannie,
I also have a blended family. I am on my second marriage. Reason is that my ex-husband left me 4 months preg. He and I had 3 kids together. When I remarried I had gone back to school and added 3 more kids to my family. My x-husband has now become a very good father to our kids and his wife is a good step-mother. We all get along great. I prayed for that for a long time. We all had to get over some hurt and learn how to trust again. Being a step-mom is not easy. We have fought over his kids my kids and anything in between we could fight about. I am very spiritual! so is he! Neither one of us had that in our first marriage. I went through counseling on my own without him. I wanted to get to the bottom of the problems. I found out that it was not just him I had my own issues that I had not delt with. Our pastor had a degree in psycology along with ministry. So I got the spiritual and psychological part of healing. I viewed my relationship very differently with my husband. I went to him and said ok, I know that I am like this and that do you have anything to add to it? Then I said I am willing to work on me if you are willing to work with me! Then he said yes and that he felt the same about himself. We laid it all down on the table what the problems were, why we were having them, and found coping methods to deal with and change it. Now he and I both were willing to work on ourselves as well as our marriage. Blended families are very hard. My step-kids had hurt me so much! They told lies and were very deceitful so I put up a block to where I could not get close enough for them to hurt me. That was not fair to me or to them. There mom does not teach or show them any kind of God's love or forgiveness. I thought who is the adult here me or them. So I forgave them changed my attitude and showed them that having Christ in my life made a difference. We have a great relationship now, all the way around! My husband and I realized that we had to set a firm foundation for not just us to stand on but also our kids! That means we have to make time with each other set boundaries, rules, and structure with our kids. The ages of our children range from 17 to 4 years of age. Marriage takes willingness to work, being patient, don't cross lines with each other(hitting below the belt), and God's love. He knows we could not do it on our own, we had to find that out the hard way. Our foundation was very rocky and unstable. Now we know where we stand and how to stand and to whom to stand with. We put God first. Now I would suggest prayer, meditation, reading in God's word, and finding a church (if you have not already). Also watch Tyler Perry's,"Why did I Get Married." That helps to know that there are so many people who are going through the same thing, you are not alone in this world, my friend. Don't take that the wrong way. I felt alone in my situation! Believe or not there are other people worse off than you are, unfournately. The devil is attacking marriages more today than ever. Stay strong, Stay positive, you will overcome this. It is going to take the both of you, but it has to start with one of you. God won't steer you wrong. He didn't us. I have a wonderful family and we still have to work on it everyday in order to stay where we need to be. Anything worth having don't come cheap nor easy, but once you acheive it you will surely be more blessed than you will ever know. Trust me! My cup overflows!!! I hope this helped and I will be praying for you and yours! Here is some scriptures to start with, Matthew chp. 5, 6, and 7. Ephesians chp 5 and 6, Galations 5 and 6, Philipians 1:3, 4:13-20, 1 Peter chp. 3:1-2, Proverbs chp 22 and 31, Psalms chp 18 and 32, Hebrews 11:1, 12:2, and 13:5, James 1:20-25 and 5:16, Isaiah 61:1-10, and Jeremiah 29:11. God Bless, Your friend in Christ, A.

I have been through some very rough times in my marriage and we have been married going on 18 years. I can tell you what has helped me and my husband cuz I've been to where you don't know what to do or if you even love each other anymore. Get counil from a Godly person. Get in church and get involved in the couples group. Get the book his needs her needs. or the five love langages for couples. They work and read them together. If he wont read them then you start reading them and do what they say. When you change he will see it and want to do the same. hope this helps/

read the book by Dr Laura Schlessinger "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" You husband can read it also if he wants to. She also has a radio show, you can go to her website at drlaura.com Good Luck!

I have had my share of issues in the past, some I solved and some I walked away from. That was before I was married, now the solution is to solve the problems.

When you have a significant issue with your husband, you MUST discuss the problem! You each have to accept that the other has an opinion on the matter and must be allowed to say that opinion.

Take each other's feeling to heart. When we pass someone in a hallway, we often say "Excuse me" to a stranger, but not to our own loved ones. It has become a habit in this country to be nicer to strangers than to our own family. Treat your loved ones like you want to be treated.

Most of all, remember WHY you married him in the first place. Remind him of "the good ole' days". Refresh your sense of family by doing things together (especially with the kids). You can keep it cheap by taking a fried chicken picnic to the park or something like that, instead of a day at Disney (big price difference!).

If communication IS a problem for you, maybe you should email each other, just to open those lines of communication. I find it MUCH easier to pour my heart out in type, when I am not being interrupted.

Good luck hun- you have a long road to recovery ahead of you.

S.

There is one simple answer to solve all of those problems...GOD! My husband & I had been through alot... he was using manufactering & selling drugs, lots of behavior problems with my then 4 year old, pregnant with 2nd child (conceived before the drugs started), financial problems, interfering family members, you name it. When he finally decided after 2 years to get off the drugs(I was living with my mother), we moved away from everyone. We bought a trailor & small piece of land in the country by selling the place he had inheirited. There were still lots of problems. Fighting, money, kids misbehaving, etc.
We starting by just taking the kids to church. Then eventually we started going more often. Once we fianlly gave our lives to Him, the fighting stopped, we were better able to handle our children, we started tithing faithfully, became invloved in church activities, surrounded ourselves with Christian friends & stayed away from the others. Our lives completely changed. We now have another child, are happily married, and going next week to sign the papers on a new home!
Since it seems you've tried everything else, why don't you really give Him a try?

It says alot when couples don't split up... so there is diffently something still there.. something worth having is worth fighting for.. hang in there gurlfriend...Let go and Let God...