Marriage Issues - Truckee,CA

Right there with ya !!! Tring to keep it together as long as I can for the girls sake but hard hard hard. Very functional marriage. No fighting, plenty of money, nice house but no love!!!

G

Focus on "giving" him what you wish to "receive" from him. If it comes back to you, then you'll know the marriage is worth it! Good luck!

My advice is to play--more on that later.
You sound depressed...maybe PP depression or just a general kind...sometimes being cooped-up as a stay-at-home can contribute...it's hard work, and isolating.

Some parents paint having a baby as magical and blissful all the time...but it often involves exhaustion, sleep deprivation, depression, isolation, marital distancing, jealousy, a loss of freedom, endless household routine drudgery, etc...it's all NORMAL and it can really suck sometimes (people just don't talk about it).

Has he said anything about how HE feels? Maybe he is feeling the same as you. Men can seem distant when they are unhappy. People "shut down" sometimes. But it doesn't mean your marriage is no good.

Talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.
And try changing your daily routine.

How about someone else can watch junior, and you and your husband can do something like you did before you were married...go to an amusement park, a rock concert, or something crazy. Do something that makes you feel like vibrant, free PEOPLE, not caretakers, husband/wife, employee, housekeeper or whatever...just to feel for a day as if you are NOT "tied down" in life, no expectations or responsibilities...just be single people, friends. Be PLAYMATES for a day! You may find that you feel differently when you play together, and that life feels stimulating and surprising.

A song lyric (Monty Python) I love:
"If life feels really rotten, there's something you've forgotten...and that's to smile and laugh and dance and sing!"

Hi A.K. I wish I had an answer for you. I just want to tell you NOT to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. The book made me sick. It's demeaning to both men and women. I have a wonderful marriage and the book actually made me pull AWAY from my hubby.

One great book is "The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women". It's gentle and understanding and teaches both wife and hubby how to fully love each other.
God bless!

Hi AK,

Your son is only 15 months old.....it sounds like you might still be recovering from having him. Maybe a little post-partum?

It takes alot to adjust to having a new baby, and unfortunately, our marriage can take a "back seat" until we've figured out how to master things in our new role as a mother. At least, that's what happened in my marriage. But, for me, in order for me to be "successful" in my marriage, I had to be honest with my husband (to a point). I had to tell him that I was going through something, and trying to figure out my emotions. I told him that I was sorry I didn't "feel like loving" all the time anymore, even though I knew I loved him. He somehow understood.

Now that I look back, the problem all along was me.....it was my emotions that were all mixed up, and confusing me on my priorities. Well, the truth is, BOTH my husband and my kids are my priority, however, for a long time I put my kids first.

Our oldest is 13 now, and I am SOOOOOOOO glad that I "stuck it out". My hubby is a terrific man....which I knew all along. Now that the kids are growing up, we are coming back together closer :O) We are able to enjoy our kids together, and laugh and smile about adorable they are.... even still.

AK, nobody can tell you what to do in your situation, but it's only fair to your husband that you get your emotions in "check" and try to understand them first before discussing everything with him. He can hurt, and feel as though you do not love him.......even if YOU DO feel that you don't love him, don't tell him that yet! It could truly be temporary, because of other overwhelming emotions and priorities right now.

I'm not telling you to stay in your marriage, I am just telling you that I had the same similar feelings and chose to stay........and it's working :O) But first, I had to work on "me" and my balance.....

~N. :O)

Dear A K,
You didn't mention how long you've been married but you do say that your son is just 15 months old. A lot changes when kids come along and many parents have to work at devoting time just to themselves and their marriage. I think you should talk with your husband. He might not even realize how you are feeling. I don't mean any offense, but men are often simple creatures. He goes to work, you stay home with the kid....he may well feel that things are just fine the way they are. If you'd like to develop something deeper with him, then he needs to know how you feel and what kinds of things he can do to work on that with you. Your husband may love you very, very much and just not know how to go about expressing it. You could begin dialog just by telling him that you've been thinking you'd like to put a little more spark in your marriage. Maybe someone can keep your son while the two of you have a romantic dinner somewhere. Just try to open the door to some communication about it. Certainly don't throw in the towel on a marriage without trying couple's counseling. And don't do what my friend does....She gets so mad at her husband because she just expects him to know what she wants and it doesn't work that way. For instance, she twisted her ankle but didn't say anything about it. Then she was furious because he didn't even offer to take the dogs out. I said, "Why didn't you just ask him to take the dogs out?" Her response...."Why should I have to ask him? He hasn't even asked me why I'm limping!"
So, I'm guessing that melodramatic limping around the house is supposed to trigger the proper hemisphere of his brain that will automatically give him the uncontrollable urge to deal with the dogs so she can rest an ankle she didn't even tell him she twisted.
She might as well wait for hell to freeze.
To be honest with you, I think he deliberately ignores her half the time because she will do everything EXCEPT just come out and say what she wants or needs. It's not a plan that works for them, let's just leave it at that.
Communication is so important.
As for people staying together for the kids....My parents stayed together for me and my sister. It wasn't a happy thing. I remember being in the third grade and telling my mom she could get a divorce. I went to school with kids from divorce so it was an option. Other families did it. That might sound sad, but it's true. Don't get me wrong, I loved both of my parents, but I knew they weren't happy. They fought. A lot. They split up several times but always got back together. Nothing ever changed. They did finally divorce when I was 16 after moving us to the middle of frigging nowhere that I absolutely hated every minute of every day. I remember thinking how selfish they were not to have just gotten it over with sooner because at least it would have happened in a place I was familiar with and could have friends around me. I don't blame them and it is what it is, but I really liked being able to love both of my parents separate from each other. They both remarried and happily got on with life. It was a marriage that could not be saved. I had one of those myself.
As long as your husband isn't abusive or a criminal or something, all marriages deserve a chance. Divorce is ugly, messy, and expensive no matter how old the kids are. I don't just mean monetary expense either. Even if it's agreed upon and a mutual thing, there is still an emotional price.
I would try to find a way to spice things up. Get a sitter, have candles on the table for dinner, look pretty when he comes home and surprise him....Just because. Do little things for him that you'd like him to do for you such as sneak little notes in his pocket that say you love him or offer to rub his back. If you like having your feet rubbed, have the lotion out and ask him to please do it. If you feel like you're in a rut, then do something to change things. At least give it a try.
Don't wait for your husband to know how you want to be treated.
Watch the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, if you haven't seen it.

I really wish you well.

All I can tell you is what I did and NO I did not stay in a marriage that I knew I did not have any love, support, or care to benefit me. All it does is make you hate the person you are with, your child will ultimately suffer because you start saying things and doing things that do not benefit your child and your relationship and your child suffers more than you realize. Appeasing another person only masks the problem. See a counselor, talk to your close friends or family members. If you can, talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. If he even gives a darn about making things easier then he will try and you will need to also. If not, you need to do what is best for you and your child. Staying where you are not happy only creates more unhappiness.
I hope others are telling you the same.
T.
Good luck!

I was in that same situation and then my husband decided to divorce ME! Divorce is very difficult and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's much harder than you think it's going to be (at least it has been for me). Still, I think my life has a greater potential for being fulfilling now that I'm divorced (I am only a few months into the new arrangement) I think it will take at least a year or two before i feel somewhat normal and happy again, but I do believe that once I get through it I will be happy that it is done. For the record, my kids have handled it beautifully and have had far less stress around it than I thought they would (and far less than I have had). They are ages 9 and 3. I think your 15 month old will barely be affected. I think sticking it out for his sake is a mistake especially at his young age. The older he gets the harder it will be on him. Please try counseling first if you have any hope that you can get it together. You must have fallen in love with each other for a reason in the first place, right? Try to get it back, but maybe set a time limit of a year or so and if things haven't improved by then then decide to split despite the pain it will invariably cause you both!

My parents didn't have a good marriage towards their later years so growing up I always thought that divorce was always the answer. Now that I have kids, I'mnot so sure. It depends. Do you think your husband could take good care of such a young baby? I don't have that confidence in my case but I also believe in giving it all you've got. Not one person can make you happy and give you all the things that make you happy. for instance, my hubby provides a good, stable, loving home. I have different girlfriends that provide me with different outlets: one makes me laugh, one is stable, keeps me grounded and gives me great advice, one will go anywhere w/me at the drop of a hat, one shares my hobby for golf etc . See? So hopefully you have that same outlet and support group. I do believe in therapy: individual and couples. Have you tried that? If your husband won't go with you, then go yourself. It's amazing sometimes just to be heard by a professional and they have tools we don't even know about. I hope that helps and good luck!

I wouldn’t say my husband is very supportive – naturally. In fact I have to let him know exactly what I need, but when I do, he does it. Does he go above and beyond? NO, but he genuinely cares and wants to meet my needs, he just doesn’t know what they are and cannot read my mind, as much as I would like him to.
I think if you are doing for him what he needs, then you may need to help him a little bit, but he will ABSOLUTELY fall all over himself to meet yours. Men are really very simple, give them respect and they will love(v.) you.
You’ll be amazed by how it feels to give, and by how he actually does start doing more for you. Unless of course he is like my husband, who needs a little bit of help as to what it is I need, but then he does it without reservation. No more and no less than what I ask, so I have to be specific. But comeon here, do you want to be married to your Man, or to your best girlfriend?
I know it doesn’t seem natural or “fair” that we as women have to do all the work, but we really do have the power to make our marriages happy or very miserable. We are the emotional ones, and we are driven by them.
I truly believe that if you purposefully look for something good in him everyday, concentrate on that and be thankful for it, this will help you change your focus from the annoyances to the positive. Then add to it - Ask yourself “What can I do today that will make life better for him today” and purpose to do that without expectation of any thing in return.
If you are a reader, try “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger or “The Love Dare” http://www.bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/.
If you can weather this storm, your marriage and your friendship with your husband will be stronger for it.
Email me if you need to vent or want more encouragement. I can get very passionate about this topic.
Hang in there. Best wishes!

I want to add that I also know what it's like to feel alone. I really do think it's unfair to expect your husband to fully understand what you go through everyday. You need other moms for that. That's the only thing that keeps me from feeling as though I'm the only one on this planet. Try a MOPS or MOMS group - google it and see if you can plug into one in your area, it's amazing what that has done for my sanity.

Hi AK-
I suggest, above all, couples counseling. YOu must have loved eachother when you got married.People fall out of love. People fall in love. People also forget that LOVE in itself is not only a feeling, but a choice.
That being said, my husband and I have had our ups and downs. The issue for us is love languages....and hormones. (The 5 love languages is a quick and easy read, and def. worth the effort). My husband is a gifts man. He is also a physical touch guy who needs to feel as if he is worthy of _________. I , on the other hand, am an Acts of service person, which means that I show love through service. Not gifts, not physical touch, etc. So basically, telling each other we love on another, we are speaking foreign languages and most of the time do not understand each other...until now. It's not perfect, but the communication channel is open, and I can tell him- I am trying to say I love you by cooking you dinner, washing the sheets, etc. AND, I hear you say I love you when you take out hte trash, clean out the litter box, change diapers, play with babies, etc. And vice versa, he hears I love you when I take the time to find and special gift for him, or choose dinner and a movie for us, etc. It really is the little things that make or break, because they build up and the two of you are pushed further apart. I swear by that book, and I really think that couples counseling is a good idea- tell him that you really want to spend more time with him, fall in love with him all over again, and make your communication and your marriage worth every second. I am glad we stayed together, but the process is painful, sometimes embarassing, but overall- worth it. If your husband is unwilling, then you try it- and if he never comes around, then he has broken the deal. A marriage takes 2.
I hope this helps you.
Luck and prayers
-E. M

Hi,

When my marriage was going through some tough times I took a look at myself and my behavior to see how I could be a better wife. Today I am a better wife, and my husband is a happier and better husband because of it.
Here is what I learned: It is too easy to blame the spouse, and have no responsibility for change in yourself. I found a book called "The proper care and feeding of husbands" (a newer version is titled "The proper care and feeding of marriage") by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. She is also a radio talk show host that counsels and helps couples and parents. Her philosophy was very helpful in changing my thoughts and hurtful behaviors. It is not about being a subservient wife, but about treating your spouse kindly and likely getting the same in return. She says that men are simple "creatures", make them feel that they are the king of your world and they will want to keep you feeling that way by behaving like you are their queen. It is not as difficult as it sounds, and while it may take time for him to see your changes in attitude, it is well worth it for both of you.
As for staying together for your child, if the marriage is not fixable- it is well worth anything you must put up with. Make a conscience effort to accept what you cannot change (assuming you first try everything you can on your end). I come from a divorced family, and swore I would not do that to my kids. Too many families are broken now, we need to get back to the basics. A split family is very difficult on a child growing up. It is not their fault that you may have chosen the wrong man for you, as long as they are a good dad.
Good luck, and I wish you well!

W. (happily married with a 2 year old, 1 year old, and 1 more on the way for March 2010).

You don't say why your marriage is bad, other than "very little love," but that can be changed if the two of you treat each other nicely, the way you most likely did when you were first dating.

However, if you need emotional support, go to your GIRLFRIENDS!! Males and females really ARE different, so don't even bother to look to males for emotional support. That's what girlfriends are for.

wow-i really hope this works better for you than it did for me. i stayed with my ex for too long, feeling the same way. first i tried counseling, telling my husband as long as he showed up every week to participate, i would continue to work on the marriage. he must not have thought i was serious because he only showed up once. i moved out-with a 11 mo old boy while also being 6 mo pregnant with our daughter. then he dramtically changed and became the prince charming i married - so i moved back in and he went right back to his former routines and gestures that were ruining our marriage to begin with. so i left for good.
it's been 4 years; i am now happily married to another man who worships the ground i walk on, and my ex. . . lets just say i'm glad i moved on. he misses me and our babies but that's too bad. you can't have your cake and eat it too. and i think my whole family is happy and healthy because mommy is.
i don't know how long you've been trying to work on things for, but if you feel he's not doing his share, i'd have your doctor check your hormones and make sure your not overly sensitive for some underlying reason, and then talk to him/her and make sure you do have grounds for feeling the way you do. if you are not having your needs met, i would try counseling for couples and go from there. hopefully he will wake up and smell his rose(you). good luck!

Keep doing what you do, and find ways to grow yourself. Your husband will or won't come around but your joy should not come from him. Talk to him, try to engage him and do things for yourself that he would never expect you to do. If you are strong and confident, he will wonder what has gotten into you and want to find out.

Hi A K,

Go to the requests and responses file on mamasource and look at the response I gave Jen M for marriage advice just a couple day ago.
There are two books listed there that i think you will find WONDERFUL.

God bless,
Gail

You don't pose a weird question at all! The one thing you have to understand is that men & women are very different. Your husband deserves to know that things aren't right with you & that you are trying to figure it out. You owe it to your hubby & your son to do so. You have some great perspectives here, as well as emotional support & I am so glad you turned to us!
You are a first time mom & a SAH one at that. Do you take time for you? Go do something you enjoy like a craft group, or go to the gym, meet girlfriends for coffee, or whatever. Hubby can stay home & bond with Baby. When I was a first time mom, I was completely overwhelmed & I had issues that made me clingy (just as bad). I kept turning to my husband when I needed to be turning to God or my girlfriends. I have had quite the roller coaster ride, but my marriage is better now. Please try individual counseling - it really helps to sort things out with a 3rd party. That person will not only help you sort out emotions but to learn to communicate what is going on in a way that is constructive, not destructive. Your counselor can also recommend books to help. You may want to check out the Power of Praying books by Stormie Omartian. She is amazing & writes so as to add new perspective.
Do you still go on dates with your husband? This is an absolute must-do! Your roles changed 15 months ago & the two of you need to reconnect. You need to have adult time without Baby. One book I would recommend for you right now is The Love Dare (from the movie Fireproof). It sounds as though you need a new perspective & I honestly think it will help. It helped my husband, who felt like you do: he did it on me & began to see me in a whole new light. I would also recommend watching Fireproof with Hubby if you haven't already. It really is an excellent movie!
Good luck! We are here for you - don't forget that!

Do stay in your marriage. It sounds to me like you and your hubby have simply gotten into a routine and are both bored with the whole thing, rather than that you no longer love each other.

Don't make the mistake of thinking it's all his fault that your marriage is lacking zip. As much as we women would like to believe that our problems stem from our husband's lack of interest, they don't understand us, etc, etc,... we have to look carefully at our own actions and attitudes and see where we've contributed to the problems too.

I recommend that you consider taking the time, making the effort and spending the money for the both of you to attend a marriage enrishment weekend. I don't mean a "fix your broken (or bent) marriage" type of thing, which some of those are, but a "make your lackluster, or even good, marriage better" conference. I am going to put in a plug for one I know is happening in Sacramento in November. I realize that's a bit of a drive for you, but it might be a good opportunity to just get away, relax, rejuvenate and find a new interest in being married to that guy you must have been crazy about at one time. It's called Weekend to Remember and is at the Hyatt in Sacramento the weekend of Nov. 20 - 22. If those dates don't work for you, there will be a conference at Tahoe the weekend of April 16 - 18.

I had a "minor emergency" in the household, and had to hit send quickly but I didn't want to leave the impression that I am exclusively recommending Weekend to Remember. I know about that one, because my husband and I attended it a few years ago, and both of our children have attended it with their spouses several times. We know what is presented there and that it is a good conference. However, do go online and search under "marriage enrichment" and you will find a number of other conferences to choose from as well.

hello ak,
i too am a stay at home mom! i feel you 100% on your issue!! i have two small children ages 4 and 8 months! my husband and i have been together for 6 years but married 2 years! overall, our marriage is good, i just feel like i never get any appreciation for what i do! i always comend him on how hard he works and that he's doing a good job and that i'm proud of him, but i never seem to get that same love back! it makes me feel like i'm not doing a good enough job around here and that he's not proud of me for taking care of the kids and the house while he works! i totally understand his position and how he's got tons of pressure on him to make the money and provide for us, and i know it's hard, i used to work too when we had our first son!! but working at an actual job is no harder than staying at home w/ the kids and taking care of the house too! i honestly think that both are equaly hard! sometimes from my point of view i think being a stay at home mom is harder because you're always at home, endless chores, always taking care of someone or something, never getting sleep and in my situation, i never get to socialize with adults!! at least he gets breaks from us, he gets to socialize with adults, he gets out of the house and he doesn't have to deal with the kids all day, or even at night!! even on his days off i don't get any type of break or chance for myself! he's always busy checking off his list of things HE needs to do! Divorce has come to my mind once in awhile, but i would never consider it because i love my hubby and my family very much and i would do anything to try to work things out if it got to that point!! now after talking to your hubby and you both doing your best to work things out and you're still not happy and feel that there's nothing left to do, then maybe talk about divorce w/ him and see where he is, if he's on the same page w/ you then maybe you both will be much happier, just think about your son too! i am a divorce baby, my mom left us when i was 3, and i still don't forgive her for that, but i am over it, but i can tell you that it did mess me up a little! i had always wished for my parents to get back together, and then when my mom found someone else i hated her even more, and him!! but now my mom and i are very close and my step dad is like a second dad to me, but i can still recall back to those tramatizing days! so please, if you and your hubby are thinking of divorce, talk to the little one, or just make it peacefull for him! =) i can tell you that most of the time i am sooo stressed out, sleep deprived, depressed and unhappy, but i try to find a happy place when hubby comes home, it's hard because all he talks about is work, work work, but i do my best to listen to him! i think all mommies need love, and also need some time to themselves, so if there's anything that i've learned is to communicate, it may start a fight, but hey, at least you're being heard!! i hope i've helped out, i hope i haven't rambled too much!! take care and i hope things get better for you!!

I haven't read any books on the subject but I know how you feel. Do you have time for a journal? I keep one and I have found it very useful in learning things about myself. If I write about something it gives me the courage to talk to my husband about it. Guys are dense, they don't get hints so you have to be kind of obnoxious (but not mean) about your needs. I would also suggest a supportive girlfriend or two so you can get advice and vent on them if you need to. Try not to focus on the stuff he does that annoys you and think back to all the warm-hearted moments you have shared with him. Maybe spend some time alone with him, get a sitter once in a while and remember why you love him. You deserve to be happy, don't forget about you.

It must be difficult for you because you are reaching out, but continue to do so. Find some help from GOOD counsel that you can trust.

My husband and I came close to divorcing in our first years and I am so thankful we stayed together and worked it out. We both have grown during the last 20+ years of marriage together and have something, that as I get older, find is very rare and special. Obviously I would not be writing this to you if I didn't relate to what you have written. But that was so many years ago. We both had a lot of maturing to do.

I have dear friends who divorced and needed to get out of very emotionally hurtful marriages. Some stayed too long only to see the dysfunction hurt their children's growth. Some went on to marriages that fed them in ways their first never could have. Only you know your situation.

Get wise counsel and tread carefully. Bless you.

Hi, this is my experience: I have been in your very same place, and it seemed like it would go on forever. I actually got a divorce, but my thoughts always fell on the legacy that I am creating for my children. Because of economics, we never really physically separated, just existed in separate parts of the home, while parenting and taking care of our responsibilities. Over time and some situations that required we sit down and face the reality of our relationship, things began to get better. I am glad that we were able to keep our children in the same home. They did not ask to be born, and should not have to suffer by being shuttled here and there because we adults can't get it together.
During this really rough time, I prayed, got counseling for myself and children as needed and, as my children are older, I also shared with them what I thought they needed to know and could understand about what was going on.

Things are a lot better now and I know that it is partially due to the fact that we were together, (even though we weren't). In other words, another set of circumstances was not created by us going separate ways and bringing other people(boyfriends,girlfriends)into the mix.
Sorry for being so wordy, hope you get what I'm trying to say. You decide what is best for you, but I've discovered that in relationships you will have these times, it does not have to be seen as the end coming. Give it some time, seek counseling if you need to, pray,(if you do), and find an activity that you like doing and spend some time doing it, if you are not already doing so.

Things will get better, these kinds of experiences are like building blocks, helping to build and lift you to the next level in your relationship. Your child needs both of his parents together....

I feel for you. I can't say our situations are exactly the same, but for a long time I was very unhappy with my marriage but stayed anyway. We ended up leading separate lives which won't work for everyone, but did for us. It was worth it for me thanks to my beautiful daughter. Find ways to feel fulfilled and maybe you won't focus on the lack of emotional support from your husband. Best of luck to you.

I know that a lot of people stay in a marriage because of the kids... my daughter is one of them... a friend of mine is another. Me personally, I didn't. I have always felt that life is way too short to be miserable. Besides that, the kids feel the pressure... they know things are not good and it can affect them too.

Have you tried counseling? Perhaps that would bring the marriage back to life. I wish you the best.

There is already a lot of good advice so I'll try not to repeat. I don't know enough about your situation to offer any legitamite advice, but my first reaction is your family is young, marriage is hard and exhaust all possible options before you jump ship, because being a single mom is even harder.

I also have a 15 month old and recently seperated from my husband. For us, it was necessary and we are now optimistic about the future, thank God. I never considered staying in our relationship just for our child's sake... If you're truley unhappy than the environment may be more poisonous for your son.

I mainly wanted to add that children under 5 have the most risk of being affected by divorce. Many people don't realize this because there are less immediate signs. But their brains are rapidly developing and any disruption in "normal" development could have very large effects on thought process etc. My daughter had some seperation anxiety (dad watched her full time) but otherwise seems fine now. I would be very aware of your son's environment and keep it as consistent as possible...

I really empathize with you. I lived in a similar marriage for over eight years and it wasn't until my son was about a year that my ex and I both realized that the best thing we could do for our son is to NOT stay together. One of the most important things that you can provide for your child is to show them what a healthy, happy and loving relationship is and in my case that was not going to happen with his dad. We tried counseling and lots of soul searching before we ended it, but I truly believe it was for the best. I am much happier on my own, which is good for me and my son. It was not easy and continues to be difficult at times, but I know that the next relationship I'm in will be one that I am proud to model for my son. I wish you the best in whatever choice you make!

J.

My advice: Never stay in a marriage soley for the sake of the children. HOWEVER for the sake of the children, you owe it to them to fight as hard as you can and do everything in your power to heal your marriage. Start by leaving your child with someone and having a frank conversation with your husband. Let him know you are a team, and that what you ultimately want is to work things out, not battle it out. It can be so hard not to be defensive, or accusitory, but if you two can agree on where you want to end up, you may find it easier to start there and come together as a team to get yourselves to that point. Best of luck in whatever happens.

ahhhhhhhhhh honey, you're right where I am. I have a two boys under 4 and my husband and I have gone downhill since the birth of our first.
I'm fighting for my marriage for the last time. As in, our lease is up in June and something to has to change or that's it. I think that if you set realistic boundries about what is important to you, and what is not......that if your husband wants to fight for the marriage as well, than the two of you can try to work it out.
For instance, I felt abandoned when the babies were born, it was us and him......he felt abandoned because he got no physical contact..he got no contact because I was so mad at him.....he shyed away because he felt I had no interest in him, etc. etc. get down to the nitty gritty with him and say this is what I need, and in return, this is what I will do for you. Don't make any promises, but make the decision in your head to try and make the things that are important to him, important to you. But make sure he's doing the same. Say in a month, we sit down and talk about it again and see how we feel.

So far it's working for us, I hope it works for you too.

And honestly (this is going to sound awful) but telling them to leave, and not being afraid for them to go........is the biggest wake up call for men, 90% of the time, they know not what they do....but that sure does show them you can't get thru life without working at it.

Good luck sweetie and if you need to talk, feel free to email me.

K.

I have only been married since 2005 but my husband and I were in this place during the whole year of 2007. We went to counseling with our pastor and went to a relationship class through Kaiser, and it did not happen overnight but we found a way to put the "spice" and love back in the relationship. (I have known him since 1999). I realize that I was putting too much of my time into the kids and not enough into him, and he was not putting enough time into the kids to allow me to pamper him more. We are meeting somewhere in the middle now.

You have decide if he is worth it outside of what is going on. Is he a good provider, do you still love him, does he treat you respectable, etc. If he is generally a good guy, I would say try what you can before you give up. If you don't think he is worth it or feel you don't love him anymore, that is a whole different story. You also need to find out if he is willing to work on the relationship. It takes two.

I have been in that situation before. If he is not willing to go to counsling and work on the marriage and communicate with you then there is nothing more you can do. Also see if he will go on a church retreat for a weekend, being away from it all and some alone time might be what you guys need. It is not fair to the child to be in a marriage where there is that much tention between the parents. The child will feel it.
Me and my daughter are so much more happier being out of a situation that he did not want any part of. Try counsling for yourself to see if it will help, try talking to him about your feelings. Good luck

I believe it depends on what you want your son seeing. In other words as he gets older he mimicks your husbands actions on how to treat women and what marriage is supposed to be like. Children sense unhappiness or stress between parents at a very young age. You might sit down with your husband and just have a one on one with him, he may not relize what he is doing or how bad it is. Maybe even suggest marriage couseling.

You've already gotten a lot of great advice but just want to emphasize how tough a time this can be for marriages. It's a HUGE adjustment and if you're now staying at home all day, I'm not surprised if you are lonely. Children are wonderful but being alone with them is almost more lonely sometimes for me than totally being alone. You can't read, watch TV etc. So it's harder to occupy your mind. Either way, my marriage had definite tough times when our kids were very young and I hear so many people have troubles but they get better as the kids get older. It's hard reading about the movie stars who are so blissful together with their children... It seems like we must be with the wrong person if we're not so blissful. But I think 90% of it is BS. They didn't have a baby but just read how Greg Norman and Chrissy Evert are divorcing after 15 months together. I remember reading about their wedding and how they were just perfect for each other and being a bit jealous of them. Well, turns out they're not "soul mates" at all! If your husband isn't just a complete selfish jerk, I'd really give it a good try with counseling, some books etc.

You don't mention whether you have talked to your husband about some couples therapy. That would be my suggestion. It got us through a couple of rough spots and now we're doing well.

Nobody on here can tell you whether you can stay or not. But I would say that an marriage without love and support is setting an example of relationships for your children. Definitely try to improve it if you can.

Yikes! Your son is 15 months old? That's a long time to "stick it out". My feeling is this...what do you want to teach your son by your example? Be in a relationship with no connection? Most likely he will fall into that as an adult. OR, do you do what you can to repair your marriage. OR, do you leave. You owe it to everyone to try and repair your marriage first, so I will address that only.
There are a lot of books out there that may help you. Be willing to be open minded. Be willing to sit down and talk to your husband about what you BOTH want out of this marriage.
The first book I would recommend makes some very good points about the phases we go through in marriage. Gary Chapmans "The Four Seasons of Marriage".
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1414300204
I would recommend it to anyone.
I also would recommend Dr. Laura Schlesinger's books "The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of a Marriage". She's tough on us women but I think we need a boot in the rear once in a while. =)
Find things that bring you joy and contentment. Treat your husband with respect. If he is abusive do not stay in the marriage but if he isn't than you owe it to him, your son and yourself to try and save it.
Good luck.

I have been there so many times!!! After working it out each time the bottom line...do your own work on yourself and most likely he will come around. Our husbands are not responcible for our happiness or our sadness. We choose how we feel. I only say this cause it is an on going message I give myself. A good marrige takes time on a regular basis. Communication is the key. But first learn to be honest with yourself. A huge lesson I still remind myself of after 10 years of being married. Being home with young kids can be so lonely. Find fun things for you. I am happy to chat with you futher. Just write me a privet message. :-)W.