Marriage Is More like a Business Transaction to Raise My Son for Years Now
Updated on
May 24, 2010
D.M.
asks from
Avondale Estates, GA
6
answers
Just want to hear from other moms out there who may be in the same situation. I am a mother of a wonderful 2 1/2 yr old son. After I got pregnant my husband stopped having sex with me. He seems to have no interest in it. I have to say here that there's been alot of problems all along. My greatest fault here is not having the insight that my husband is he himself is confused and marriage is not really his thing. Anyway we have a great son and there is a bond there forever bec. of our child. Our marriage has been for about 3 yrs now, more like a "business transaction" -- all about raising our son. I am a stay home mom before this I've worked all my life and LOVED my work, love working, however, my priorities have changed big time since I had my son. I value and cherish the chance that I have right now being a stay home mom to him and I think I will stay home with him until he is in kindergarten, 2 1/2 yrs away. Pls. do not respond calling me lazy etc. This is not about that, I do more work being a stay home mom than I would if I had to work and I cherish my time with my son and I know so many moms who do not have this option or opportunity and I will cherish it forever that I have these memories with him. I can see that when I eventually do go back to work, I am 45 now, I'll eventually get my own place and share custody of my son with my husband who is in agreement we should continue our non romantic more like brother sister situation so I can care for my son til he's in kindergarten we've talked about separation and eventual divorce a lot and hopefully it will be amicable when the day comes for the best interest of our son. I suspect it will be bec. this will free up his time for his "frat" life, drinking out with friends, going to vegas playing poker, going for beer after work until 1 in the morning -- these are the activities my husband loves when he was single and it never left him not even after marriage. Sometimes though late at night, I lay in bed thinking how great it would be if one day I find a man who is a great fit for my personality, who is sweet to me and loves me and shows me so, being someone who complements your personality I learned so late in life is HUGE. My husband and I, again my fault, I ignored all the signals I think bec. I was so driven to have a child in what I viewed then as my "cut off age limit for having a child" -- has always clashed, he's a party frat type of guy, loves to drink with his buddies, mowing the lawn or doing "family activities" is not really his style. I remember he did not want to put a car seat in his car (just in mine) bec. his friend will think it's not cool...oh, he's not a teenager, he's 43, he just acts and thinks like one, I can never change him, again, it's my fault I am in this situation but just wanted some words of wisdom or support from anyone out there who possibly is in the same boat. I have to add here that my marriage is irreparably broken because among many issues we have, he also calls me names and curses me out when his temper runs high, he thinks I deserve it for what he views is my nagging (when I ask him to do housework to help out). He is really immature and anyone out there kind enough to suggest we should work on our marriage, thanks but I can't try to fix it on my own, I tried but he did not put much effort because he thinks I am just "crazy". I also have lost my "romantic love and feeling for him" I feel he's more like a younger brother, areally really young one, very immature. Anyway, I am locked into this situation by choice since I do not want to give up being a shm and work and then see my son 4 hrs a night after working all day and my son being in the daycare the whole day. He is also very accident prone and I worry with him being so young and putting him to daycare.. Again I value that I am able to do this and I am grateful my husband is able to support us. He likes this arrangement to for the benefit of our son. We really just don't click and first he gave up trying now I did too and now even if he tried, I cannot lie to myself, he's more like a brother to me and any remnants of the passion or romance very early in our relationship is such a distant memory and I can't even believe I felt those things for him I guess all the cursing I've endured from him and knowing deep down he really prefers the frat life rather than a family life had its effect on me and that is really irreparable, I cannot lie to myself, I am being true to myself here and saying withall honesty, at best, this guy is like a brother, no way is he like a lover . Thanks for all your thoughts and words. God Bless.
i think you have already made your decision. it is not something i would have decided to do. if marriage is dead, then it's dead, i would have walked away from it when i realized there was no salvation for marriage. i know you want to be a stay at home mom and being with your husband provides that for you. just keep in mind it will be difficult to leave and start anew whether it is now or when your son starts kindergarten. also don't forget kindergarten can be half a day or 6 hrs, still your son would have to go to aftercare eventually. why not start now? why are you wasting your years? i just don't get that part.
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K.S.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
I feel so sad for you. Yes, I am certain there is someone out there for you. My question is why wait? Your child will handle this with more difficulty the older he gets. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy and to be a happy parent for your child. Get a divorce, be strong and move on.
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A.G.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
You are in a very unfortunate situation which you already know. The only thing that concerns me is how he talks to you. That is really not a healthy environment for your child. God Bless you - I'm sure that 2 1/2 years cannot come soon enough.
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A.B.
answers from
New York
on
We all ignore the red flags when we have a goal, yours trying to have a baby, others just wanting to get married. Bottom line at least you are in this now, with eyes wide open. I get that you love being a SAHM and yes it is an opportunity a lot of us moms didn't have. As long as you feel your son doesn't get the negativity vibe off your husband and you can tolerate another 2 1/2 tears then move on with your plans. But as another mom pointed out your son will need some form of childcare when he is in Kinder if it is 1/2 day or even whole day as how many jobs are letting you out by 2:30? Why not check out your options now and maybe you can make a move earlier. Just inquire to what your options are. And yes you deserve someone to love you for who you are and you will find that person once you drop your "frat brother!"
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A.R.
answers from
St. Louis
on
D.,
I am sorry for what you are going through. You have H. a very difficult situation to deal with.
You have realized yourself that your husband is an abusive and manipulative person. I am not sure if this is actually a psychological problem or just part of some people's character and temper. Anyway, I have heard, read and learned that these people, most of the time, NEVER change. You have a little one who needs at this age a loving and healthy environment. At this age, kids learn and feel whatever is around them. They "absorb" everything from everybody and everywhere. It is the time when little ones need to feel secure and have a healthy mom who protects and loves them.
You have to make an important decision H.. You have to choose between staying home with your little son in a vicious environment or get out of there, find a job and live in peace with your little one.
Actually, I am a stay-home-mom, and I love it and I feel blessed, but if I were in your position, I wouldn't stay there anymore. I would feel that my son would be safer and happier in a day care, or a place alike than in my home in that situation. These problems you have now, tend to escalate. They will not keep at a status quo situation. It will get worse.
If you are happy and in peace, if you feel secure and in harmony you will be able to raise a happy and healthy kid by yourself even without his father.
I am Catholic and my principles go with a complete and united family, HOWEVER, if staying home with the complete family means an ugly environment for my children and myself, I would rather to go away and raise my kids on my own even "sacrificing" them to be in a day care or whatever according to their ages. There are good and bad day cares, good and bad schools, good and bad home day care, good and bad preschools, etc Just do your homework and find the best one for your little one, and find a good job for yourself.
Good luck, don't feel sorry for yourself, feel you are a great mom and woman and speak up your voice.
Take good care of yourself so you will be able to take great care of your little one!
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C.K.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
I am sorry that your marriage has ended. Even if you went into it to have a child you probably still wanted the whole family thing as well.
I wont tell you to try and work it out as it is clear you have no wanting to but let me say you do need to leave. And not when your son starts school. I grew up in a house where my mom was only going to stay till I was such an age then that changed every yr. it was easier to stay. The whole time I watched (as did my siblings) my father degrade my mother with words and actions. I hate my father and have no feelings for my mother now as they decided to put me thru what should have been just between them. You have so many reasons to stay now I am fearful for your son as to what you will have later when he is in kindie( like I cant make him move now he will lose his friends).
I am not trying to be mean but I have lived what your son is going thru and I am voicing his side.
