Marriage Help

You definatly need to find something for YOU. Yes, I understand it is difficult to pull yourself away from being a mom. BELIEVE ME you will feel better and be able to be a better mom and wife when you take that time for yourself and "refresh". ANd maybe it will help you find friends that you can talk to about these types of subjects! I was a stay at home mom for about months before I started doing Tupperware to get out and make friends and have something for me, I have made alot of friends from it also. (NOT trying to talk you into joining me, but I am always open to share if YOU wanted info, I just found that as my nitch to what I needed, we all have differnt things we like and interest us, you just need to find yours. My aunt taking floral design classes, she has made lots of friends and loves it (her nitch)!) We all need our girls to lean on. As for the going to the siblings, I FEEL YOU on this one, although it seems the gatherings are always at our home or his parents! I think you should do what makes you comfortable and throughly explain it to your husband. Is he good about doingthings with your family?? My husband is awesome when it comes to my family, so most of the time I bite the bullet when it comes to his family gatherings, something we have to do sometimes to keep the peace! It sounds like you and hubby need sometime away and alone, to rekindle and reevaluate!! I would be upset about the President of the LL if I was you. You have every rtight to be hurt and upset! Yes it is a big gift he is giving, but it is also a big gift from you and you need to calmly talk to him and let him know what an extra burden it puts on you and your family. I don't think he means to make the decisions without you, I think men in general don't think or realize and we need to help them with this. I tell or suggest things to my husband and when it doens't go as I thought it would, he reminds me he is a man and I need to explain explicitly what I am saying, not try to say it, just ome out and be direct! Sorry I went on and on I hope something helps you! GOOD LUCK AND REMEMBER youare not the ONLY wife with these type of issues!

I say you "just do it" - tell your husband what you want/need from him. Women aren't good at asking for help - from anyone. But you have to muster the courage to just do it. Also, definitely set up a system for your boys to pitch in - you should not have to do everything for them. Make sure they know that as long as they're under your roof (the 18yo included), you have rules and they need to follow them. They should all be self-sufficient, so you really shouldn't have to do much at this point. Just make sure there's food in the house and clean underwear (actually they should be doing laundry too). If they don't help out, make sure there are consequences - no video games, no "fun" stuff, or whatever. And then set aside time for yourself. You don't need permission to do this, just find something that you want to do and announce that your'e going to do it. If, for example, the dishes don't get done for 2 days, let them see what happens when you're not around - go to the movies or get your nails done! You'll start to see changes, but they will be slow. For all the "boys" in your house - set the expectations, assert yourself, and then follow through. Hang tough and good luck.

C.,

All of us married people go through tough times...the decisions, the in laws, the husband who doesn't give his wife attention...Hang in there. If he really enjoys helping with the little league then let him. I know what you mean when a mothers job is 24 hours and never ends. YOu need to start doing things for yourself and quit waiting on your husband to fulfill those needs. Join a gym or a community sport like softball or volleyball..you will even make friends there!! We all go through tough situations in our marriages, but remember you are to take care of your self too!! Don't just do things to make other happy make yourself happy as well. If you really think your marriage is in trouble maybe seek counseling or ask your husband to sit and talk to you about his feeling and compare each others needs. We are all in the same boat...hang in there.

I'm not sure but it sounds like there is a lack of communication going on. Maybe you need to go talk to someone neutral to get it back on track.

It sounds also like you are doing everything while your husband is doing nothing except resting. Do the boys have chores because they should. Your children are old enough that you can take some time for yourself even if it's only once a week... go shopping, see a movie, join a gym and go a few times a week... Life will go on without you there constantly to do everything.

Read - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. She tells you (the wife) you have the power in the relationship. She also shows you how to use the power. I love that book - I love that book I love that book! It will really change your life if you are open to all of her suggestions!!

J.

Hi C. - Been there and done that! Our only daughter plays competitive softball and my husband and I have both been both coach and manager for 4 years. We make date nights when she has a sleep over at a friends. Tell your hubby to join you in the shower instead of playing his games. Be provocative! Wear a Teddy! Your husband is settled in his ways and you can entice him. Your work schedule is a killer! If you can't match it up with his - try this on the days you are off work! Hope this helps!
Patti b

A priest in our church once told me that if you don't take time for yourself, you don't know who you are anymore. I love a saying out of the bible, "For the wonder of who I am, I give praise to God." Love God first, Yourself second, then your husband, then your children.
Your husband needs to help more. By letting him get by with it isn't going to save your marriage. The more I let my husband get by with things, the worse our marriage got until finally, divorce. He just got to thinking more and more that he was right.
As for his family, that's his decision and if he doesn't make it, then, it evidently doesn't matter that much to him. If he isn't worried about things, then let the problem fall on him and don't let him blame you.
It sounds like family counselling could be used.

Sounds like a communication problem. Sit down, make him dinner, just the 2 of you and talk. Sometimes we think the other person is aware of what we are feeling based on our "cues" but the other person really has no idea. Put yourself in his shoes and see if you can make sense of what he is seeing. Sounds like your 3 kids need a wake up call to help you. All 3 are old enough to do their own laundry, clean their rooms and help out around the house. I have 2 kids, 1 is 2 1/2 and the other is 2 months and I have to do everything for them, work full-time and meet my husbands needs. The way this works is communication and making time to talk even when the house is thrashed with my sons toys. laundry and food thrown everywhere. I let the little things go and so does he. Sounds to me like you need to do that.